It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Reflect: five minute Friday

 His blue eyes sparkle back at me, a glint of rebellion, a shimmer of excitement, a challenge - his love is infectious, this boy of mine, but his will is a challenge all it's own.

In him, God shows me reflections of myself - reflections of who I have been and who I still sometimes am - even now I often stand before a loving Father - just like a petulant toddler, insistent that I know better than He, that my way is surely the best way! And He gently leads me to follow His will rather than mine. Through His love and His grace He guides and He softens this stubborn will of mine. 

May my parenting of him be a reflection of the way He has guided and taught me! May he see a reflection of God through me just as I see a reflection of myself through him! May I continue to learn through these parallels of parent to child and my Heavenly Father to me - and always strive to parent more like Him! May we both not only survive this time of toddler tantrums and tears, but come out on the other side both a better reflection of our Creator - after all, we were made in His image and what better image could we reflect unto the world!

 

Operation 9 Month Off - Week 3-5

Err, take 3 - I've started this post two other times, but with running off to care for babes - it's disappeared twice since I didn't save it! Anyway...I better get it done, so that I can link up with

How did I do this week: (eek - the last 3 weeks!)

Anyone want to guess why I've been AWOL the last three weeks? No, no, I'm not pregnant again...we need to give this body a little more recovery time than that! I have just completely falled off the wagon - I stopped charting my foods, I ate far too many ice cream sodas, and I didn't make exercise or even being active a priority! Err, I'm soo mad at myself - because I actually got down to 183 - which was 2 pounds below my pre-Noah weight and now I'm back up to 187! I decided it's really time to take things seriously - it's time to post real numbers and get real with my fitness journey! This isn't just about losing weight! It is about being a good example for my boys, it's about being healthy for another pregnancy in the future, it's about living better and longer with my family! So, I found a few weight loss link-ups that I plan to join in on, and on Monday I (& J) signed up for WW online. I want to lose a lot of weight and I want to lose it quickly, but I don't want to hurt my ability to nurse Noah, or to limit his nutrition or calories in any way. My issue has always been motivation and sticking to it - but I need to be motivated to be healthier for my kids - to not be the tired mom! If I am going to stick with this as I lifestyle, then I need the flexibility of something like Weight Watchers to let me have my "cheat day" while not blowing the whole diet! It doesn't do me any good to lose ten pounds only to gain it back over and over because I wasn't drinking enough water or I wasn't eating enough, etc. I really like how the new plan gives you lots of healthy options for 0 points (like the banana I just had). I did Weight Watchers in college when I was at my lowest weight (128) and it was a lifestyle that I could stick with and it was easy - but over time I slowly shifted out of that lifestyle - so I'm hoping getting back into it I can go back to the old habits that I used to have and create a new lifestyle - rather than the calorie counting that I've been doing and constant analysis of everything. As I remember, you get to the point where you know how many points most of your favorite foods are - which makes things easy! I really want this to be easy - and I'm coming to the realization - that it's just not. We've hit the 3 month mark - so if I want to hit my goals by Noah's first birthday then the 9 month countdown is officially ON! It's time to make this happen! Hopefully, finding a few friends along the way will help me stick to it!

Measurements (starting points in italics): 

• Waist (smallest point): 35" (35")
• Hips (largest point): 45" (45")
• Arms: 12" (12")
• Thighs: 28" (28")
• Chest: 40" (40")
• Weight: 187.3 (189.9)

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

• Reach 0 point ( 185 - post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done - DONE
• -5 pounds: Massage
• -10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure
• -20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 
• -30 pounds: Haircut/color
• -40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 
• -50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!)

Want to do this together and help encourage one another and keep each other on track?? I'd love a partner, or several, in this! Let me know! I'm on Weight Watchers and myfitnesspal and fitbit and twitter - join me! Email or comment with your usernames and I'll friend you!

Operation 9 Months Off - Week 2

Well, it's been another week since I shared my weight loss goals and plan - let's see how I did!

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

Reach 0 point (post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done

-5 pounds: Massage

-10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure

-20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 

-30 pounds: Haircut/color

-40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 

-50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!) 

How did I do this week:

It was another crummy week for activity and calories! It rained 3 days and we all came down with colds and I could probably come up with a few more excuses to ;) - but anyway - didn't do too well, although it could have been worse!

Activity Goals: 

1. Workout/video 3x/wk - FAIL - one workout 

2.  Run/walk 3x/wk - FAIL - one 7 mile walk - better than nothing, but still a fail

3. Stay under calorie goal 6x/wk FAIL - I went over calories 3 days this week, not much, but still

4. Reach 10,000 steps 4x/wk FAIL - 1/4 days

5. Reach 10 flights of stairs every day -  FAIL - 2/7 days

6. Drink 100oz of water/day - FAIL - 1/7 days - once you get out of the habit it's hard to get back! 

Measurements (starting points in italics): 

Waist (smallest point): 34" (35")

Hips (largest point): 45" (45")

Arms: 12" (12")

Thighs: 28" - changed position to measure this is the new starting point

Chest: 40" (40")

Weight: +3.8 (+4.9lb) - down 5.9 from post-vacation weight

Since, I went from no workouts and no runs/walks to one of each this week, maybe next week I'll pull off two of each?? I was really hoping that posting here was going to keep me accountable and help me to do better sticking with this, but I don't seem to be doing too well so far! I really want to make healthy habits, but I'm pretty stuck in my old unhealthy ones and I've been really good at finding excuses for why I can't do things and why I need crummy snacks! (Like it rained 3 days this week so I couldn't exercise and we all got crummy colds - although I could have figured something out if I made it a priority!) Thankfully, the weight gain last week was really vacation bloat and I'm down a little from the week before!!! It looks like I have found the right calorie intake to lose weight slowly and still maintain my milk supply - yay! I'm still hovering at the same weight I've been at for two months now though, and it's super frustrating! Anyone else in the same boat? Want to do this together and help encourage one another and keep each other on track?? I'd love a partner, or several, in this! Let me know!

Operation 9 Months Off - Week 1

Well, it's been one week since I shared where I am starting out postpartum and my goals for where I want to end up by next here - let's see how I did! 

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

Reach 0 point (post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done

-5 pounds: Massage

-10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure

-20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 

-30 pounds: Haircut/color

-40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 

-50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!) 

How did I do this week:

Overall, not well at all! We left Wednesday morning when J was post-call to head up north to J's parent's house - then Thursday morning we ventured even further north to visit a lake and spend the weekend fishing and enjoying family cabin time for Owen's birthday! It was a great time, but long road trips don't really facilitate exercise or sticking to calorie goals (we decided to cheat and not count car snacks - because they are a necessity!) 

Activity Goals: 

1. Workout/video 3x/wk - FAIL - didn't do this a single time :(

2.  Run/walk 3x/wk - FAIL - didn't run a single time either

3. Stay under calorie goal 6x/wk PASS (sorta) - I was 350 calories over one day this week and under 6 days (except for car snacks one other day, but those don't count, right?!)

4. Reach 10,000 steps 4x/wk FAIL - 1/4 days

5. Reach 10 flights of stairs every day -  FAIL - 4/7 days

6. Drink 100oz of water/day - FAIL - 2/7 days - although 6 days I had over 48 oz which is fitbit's water goal

Measurements: 

Waist (smallest point): 35" - +1/2in

Hips (largest point): 45" - +1/2in

Arms: 12" - same 

Thighs: 25" - same 

Chest: 41" - +1in

Weight: +9.7lb (54.7lbs from goal weight) - up 5 pounds since last week

Eek! Well, that's definitely not the direction that I wanted to see any of those numbers going - but it is reality and sometimes that happens as you figure this stuff out. All of these numbers were taken at 8 in the evening after eating and drinking all day - immediately after getting home from our lake trip - so I'm hoping the numbers are negatively inflated from travel and they'll be balanced back out by next week after a few normal days back at home with normal water intake and sleep, etc. 

xxfingers crossedxx that vacation bloat is all that this weight gain is - because even though my activity level was a little low (combined 20 hours in the car over 5 days) - and my water intake was low without my brita (relying on purchased water bottles in limited supply) - my calorie intake truly wasn't that bad! We'll see, after next week it may be time to pull out the big guns and sign up for weight watchers!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 30

Challenge Day 30: React to this term: Letting Go

Each new chapter begins by bringing an end to the one before. Welcoming this new little family of four means saying goodbye to the family of three that we used to be. Tuesday night, when I got the call that they had found protein in my urine I wasn't ready - I wasn't ready to let go and say goodbye to my family of three. I was supposed to have another week - I was supposed to have a plan - and a last date before things changed. I was supposed to have a special weekend with Owen doing all his favorite things and saying goodbye to being just Owen's mom. Then in a moment - that was entirely unexpected - I was packing and making calls and doing all the last minute things to be at the hospital only hours later. I didn't get to have time to say my long, sweet goodbye - my life as I knew it was going to change - and it was going to change fast. And I, I am not good with change. I like plans and order and slow easy transitions that I can prepare for - but thankfully, I am not the one in charge - God is and He knows far better than I do what we need and the right timing for everything. He knew that it was time to let go and it was time to pull the bandaid on our life and what it used to be.

And guys, I'm so glad that He's in charge instead of me, letting go of who we were was the best thing I have ever done - and we have to let go in order to free our hands to embrace all the new, amazing things He has in store for us. I am so in love with being a mom of two, I am so in love with my new little boy, and the big brother that I know Owen will be. This new life that He create for us is so much better than any life I could have created for us - and I'm so glad that I let go of the old to embrace the new.

Quick Update: We are still in the hospital and I am off of the IV meds, but blood pressure is still too high - and went up a little after the IV meds were out of my system, so we are looking to get those under control tonight. Noah is doing fantastic, he's really figuring out nursing (nursed every hour last night - which mommy did not appreciate), and he's looking really good - we've dealt with a few little issues, but strong and healthy and with us - so that's exactly what we were praying for. Owen is loving his time with "Gpa" and doesn't particularly like this new "baby brother thing" we keep showing him and keeps telling us "all done" and "no touch" when we try to show him Noah - he let Noah get a little closer tonight than last night, but we'll get there. Daddy is great, but sleepy - looking forward to all of us spending the next two weeks together building our new little family! Once we're home and settled I'll write up Noah's whole birth story out - I still don't quite believe the way things all played out.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 27

Challenge Day 27: A letter to your readers -- wow, 27 days! Almost done with #blogeverydayinMay

Our attempt at a family portrait on Easter - believe me, this was the best shot! :)

Hello friends,

Is it okay if I call you that? I'm never really sure about that word, but that's what I'd like us to be, so we'll go with it. 

Welcome, I'm so glad you are here, whether you follow along, stop by occasionally, or are just popping in for the first time today - I'm honored and thrilled that you took the time to take a little peek into our world - hopefully something you find here will inspire or encourage you or just give you someone/something to relate to and let you know that you are not in this life alone. I'd love for you to reach out and say hello whether by comments or email - I'd love to get to know you and your story and come to know how we can do this thing called life together - helping each other along the way! I'm not perfect - neither is my little family - and I don't expect you to be either - let's all just take life as it comes and always be striving to learn and grow together!

I've never been the friend who was very good at keeping in touch, or calling, or making plans to meet up - but I am the friend who will always and forever be there if you need me, no matter what. I am the friend who is always ready to pick  up where we left off the last time this crazy life got in the way - because that's the reality of life, especially life with littles, it quickly consumes us and whatever is not requiring our direct attention often falls to the wayside - so, I'm sorry friends if I take too long to respond or if I comment less than I should or if sometimes it feels like I just don't care - because that is just not true - I love each and every one of you and I'm here for you if/when you need me, whether we have known each other for years or have just met. You are important to me, each and every one of you - and I'm sorry that I let busy get in the way of showing that!

Can't wait to get to know you better!

Jess

Blog Every Day in May: Day 24

Challenge Day 24: Your top 3 worst traits

So, over the course of the last year I've actually learned a lot more about my three worst traits and how they are actually all related to one another! Each one feeds the others and deepens the problem. I actually wouldn't have claimed the trait that is currently third on my list, but as I've learned more about my top to worst traits - I've learned that they really are all related. Hopefully, the next step will be to do away with them!

So, without further ado, my three worst traits are:

1. Perfectionism

2. Procrastination

3. Pride 

Like I said, until recently, I never would have considered myself a prideful person. I have always known that I was a perfectionist and that I had impossibly high standards for myself - and that it was far easier to forgive others for being human and thus "not perfect" than it was to forgive myself for the same. I always associated this perfectionism with insecurity - rather than pride, but I'm beginning to see the connection. This blog post does a great job of summarizing the Beth Moore book/teaching that I was exposed to this Spring (I really should pick up that book). As for the other traits, it was only this year, that I was shown the connection between my perfectionism problem and my issues with procrastination! I never associated these two traits (in fact, I often wondered how I could actually be both since they seemed so conflicting and counter-intuitive) until I read this post and all of a sudden it all clicked! I often put things off either until I have more time to do a better job, or until I know that I will be capable of doing it well perfectly. This often means that things are done last minute and not done nearly as well as they could have and should have been done, but I always have the excuse that it was done under a time crunch and therefore it shouldn't reflect my actual abilities!

This is getting all ramble-y and I'm probably not making much sense anymore - so I'm heading off to bed! But tell me I'm not the only procrastinating perfectionist out there?! Anyone else? What do you think - is it a pride thing? That one was a bit of a gut check for me when I first heard it...still is actually! Thankfully, I don't have to be perfect, because I have a perfect Heavenly Father - and He will always care for me - and He is made strong in my weakness! I just have to get a little better at accepting that in practice and not just in theory!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 23

Day 23 Challenge: Things you've learned that school won't teach you

So, funny thing - coming from a former teacher and someone who loved school and learning - the top thing I've learned that school won't teach you is that if you aren't learning and growing - it is only your own fault. Sure, there are exceptions and special circumstances, but for myself especially, this statement is beyond accurate!

In school, I received straight A's in K-12 and only 1 B in college (advanced honors English freshman year while taking 18 credits including a 300-level Russian Lit class - not sure what I was thinking there). Yet, when I look back at my education, I remember very little of what was "taught" to me - and in large part that is my own fault. I have known since I was very young that I am smart and that I can easily do things that are difficult for many other students and that I could sort of breeze through school using minimal effort - so I did. I did what was expected of me and I did it well, but I didn't exert myself or do my best pretty much ever. Therefore, I skimmed textbooks to get enough information for the test - I wrote papers last minute - I still have no concept of how one actually studies! And I have a master's degree for crying out loud! 

For a long time, I blamed my teachers for not recognizing me or pushing me with more challenging work (as early as 6th grade - my "challenge" was that I was allowed to teach myself math in a side room instead of being forced to sit in class and participate) - yet now, as an adult I see that the drive to learn and grow needs to come from me. I need look for those challenges - I need to apply myself to actually learn and remember the things that I want to know - it isn't about a grade or meeting expectations of others (I know I can do that) it is about meeting my own potential, whether that is above or below any one else's standards!

This is the thing that I most want to instil in my children - that you are as great as you want to be, meeting or exceeding is not always what it is all about - it is about doing and being your best! I don't want my children to be afraid to shine or to stumble - I don't want them to blend into the pack - I want them to embrace who they are and who God made them to be and take responsibility for their own learning and growth - sure I will help guide and support and challenge them - and I will ensure that they have others in their lives to do the same, but true motivation for anything has to come from within - and I want them to have that drive to reach their greatest potential - and I don't want them to have to be adults before they learn that! It isn't up to others to teach you - it's up to you to have a teachable heart and to be open to learning and growing in all circumstances!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 21

Challenge Day 21: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives


Well, my archives are not all that extensive, but I'm starting to build this little space up and I'm seeing development in my writing and in my confidence in how I express myself - so, while my "favorite" posts are not all that great - it was great to take a little time to look back through things and see my progress!

My very first post ever  on my original blog where I talked about how things were changing and the guilt of being a new momma! Then I whined a little about J's work schedule as we were trying to navigate life after maternity leave, but before I became a stay-at-home momma. Then, there are a few posts about how Owen has been responding to J's call schedule: here in my first post on this new blog kinda setting the stage and here when Owen showed that he's really starting to understand Daddy's job and how/why he doesn't come home. I also compared how Owen's been having some temper tantrums and how while I get frustrated with his responses that he really is responding a lot like his momma - oops! Finally, my last favorite is my post on the quiet book that I made for Owen - it isn't an amazing post or that awesome of a quiet book, but I worked really hard on it and I'm super proud of how it turned out!

I feel like these posts offer up a picture of who I am and the growth I've made over the last few years! What are your favorite posts? Share them - I'd love to get a better view of who you are and where you've been!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 20

Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

So, this may sound silly to some, but the thing that I'm really struggling with right now, and have been for the last three years forever...is bedtime. 

That's right - bedtime. Now, as most of you around here know J is a surgical fellow - so he is at work by around 6 most mornings, sometimes earlier - and he works hard going all pretty much nonstop all day - so prior to getting married to me - he went to bed pretty early. But I've always been a little bit of a night owl - my ideal sleep time would be from 11 or 12 until 9 or 10 most mornings - which for a while with Owen worked out well for me (he's now getting up around 8, but we snuggle for a whole before we actually get up and go downstairs). So, with Owen sleeping until 8 most mornings (or later) and napping once or twice a day, he doesn't really go to sleep at night before 8:30-9 (sometimes 10) and then there are all of the adult things that need to be done - dishes, straighten up, blog, watch a non-animated television show that doesn't revolve around trucks, spend a little time talking to my hubby, budgeting - you get the idea. Allthethings - they haunt me and they never seem to be done, add in that end of pregnancy nesting symptom - and it seems to be easily midnight before we head upstairs and that just isn't fair to my hubby! And then I just feel like a jerk because even if I'm getting less sleep than I'd like - he's getting less than that. We make plans, I set "get ready for bed" alarms, I try to get things done while he's at work or Owen is still awake - yet it just keeps happening that day after day we stay up later than we should - and we are about to add a newborn into this mix - goodness gracious! 

Oh and I've tried making J just go to bed without me - he won't - he feels too guilty because he knows that I'm lonely and we don't spend enough time together - so it's an all or nothing thing around here - also it's much worse when he's on call and not here - I've developed some lovely pregsomnia and can't sleep when he's gone resulting in staying up even later cleaning/organizing/watching pointless TV or tossing and turning in bed. 

I don't have any answers and I seem to just be digging myself deeper into this struggle instead of out of it. So, I sure could use some help! Any ideas out there? Any grownup bedtime routines or rituals that actually help you get to bed and sleep at a decent hour? Tips? Tricks? I'm sure J would love you forever if someone could actually get me to get things done and get to bed at a decent hour! (Oh, and because I'm feeling convicted after writing this - it's currently 9pm and Owen just went to sleep - I'm posting this and headed up stairs to fold/stuff diapers in bed and go to sleep - hopefully by 10 - maybe I just need to write a post about how I stay up too late every day!)

Blog Every Day in May: Day 16

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

All in all, I know I've been a bit of a complainer in recent weeks, but my "lot in life" is a pretty darn good one! We have everything that we need and more. We are all healthy and able-bodied - I am married to the best man I know, and my kid is fantastic! Sure, J works almost twice as much as the average American and that is hard - but he has worked similar hours since we met, and when he is here - he is all here and makes us a priority - often at his own expense - so I really don't have room to claim J's job something difficult in my "lot" that I need to overcome - even though it does come with it's own unique challenges.

However, there is something that I've been struggling with and trying to overcome - especially this last year. This life married to a surgeon - and life in general - includes a lot of unknowns - his schedule is irregular and there could always be something that comes up keeping him away for a genuinely good reason. This is hard for me - not having everything all lined up and tied with a bow is hard for me. I am a planner....I like to know what is coming so that I can be prepared. I don't like surprises and I don't like change. Yet, life requires flexibility and an ability to embrace the unknown. That is something that I have never been good at. Now, throughout this pregnancy, we have been faced with unknown after unknown and question after question - all of which received vague non-answers. It seems that each time I go to the doctor I face another "if" and receive no sense of security or answers. I'm hoping that starting these meds will lead to a little more certainty and an ability to plan/determine when things are coming - since I've been told several times now that this pregnancy is most likely ending with an induction - but each time we speak it varies as to when - being anywhere from now to 39 weeks - and that is a big difference, especially with a toddler who I have to prepare for a new brother and who needs to be taken care of when I am in the hospital.

This has been the year in which I have had to learn that I don't always know the plan, and I don't always get to have all the answers - but I need to step forward in faith and continue on "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." {Jer. 29:11} He knows what He's doing and His plan is better than mine could ever be - so maybe sometimes a little bit of the unknown is okay and maybe I don't have to have it all figured out - because He does!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 6

Day 6 of the Challenge: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

What do I do? All of last summer I struggled with this exact question - now that I wasn't a teacher anymore and I was just a stay-at-home mom - what do I say when people ask what I do?? I was worried that people would think less of me now that I was no longer teaching, especially since I was leaving a job in an urban (read 'high-poverty') school so I could now just be a lazy middle class mom. Although, I knew then and I know now that I am not a "lazy middle-class mom" and I know that the "lazy" stay-at-home mom is a myth (or if she exists I haven't found her - because I'd like to know the secret! *wink, wink*) - but it was still a fear of mine that people would think that - just like I worry about how I'll be judged as a "blogger" - not that I think I qualify as one yet.

I do the things we all do - I cook, I clean, I wrangle a two silly dogs and a crazy toddler - all while growing a giant baby in my belleh. But those aren't the things that define me - although they do use a significant portion of my time. 

I love, I cuddle, I teach - in a more profound way than I ever did as a teacher, and I learn more from my kid than I would have ever thought possible. I am learning about love and life and patience. I am learning about God and parenting and teaching others. I am even learning about myself - I am also putting myself out there in new and different ways that I never did before. I am becoming more myself and more of who I want to be and that excites me - I want my babies to see their mom as fearless and brave - I want them to know that if they want to try something then that is exactly what they should do - TRY. 

So, what do I do? I try - I try to do it, I try to do more, I try to do less, but I always keep trying and for now - I'm good with that!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 3

My assignment today is to tell you about something that makes me uncomfortable - and it took me a while to decide what to share because it was much easier to come up with the laundry list of things that make me uncomfortable than it was to come up with one thing that I felt qualified to educate others on - but isn't that how it always goes - our minds are so quick with the negative!

Anyway, the first thing making me uncomfortable is this kid in my belly! J/k (but not really) - he is significantly hampering my physical comfort, but for the sake of this post, I'm going a different direction.

The thing that makes me most uncomfortable in life is putting myself out there when I'm not exactly sure of other's expectations of me. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser, it is really hard for me to not know exactly what is expected of me. I like clearly defined roles that I can fill and that I can succeed in. There are no assigned roles in friendships or in blogging - there isn't a parent or teacher or pastor or husband or child to tell me who I am supposed to be or how to act or what is "expected" of me - the freedom is intimidating (this is a big part of why I decided to start blogging - to push myself out of that comfort zone). This year I have really been trying to be okay with being uncomfortable and being myself in all situations, whether or not, who I am is who people want me to be. That may mean that I lose a few friends, but hopefully it will mean that the relationships that do develop and grow will be much better than the ones I had before - since they will be more sincere! Sadly, this fear of being uncomfortable and not pleasing others often makes it really hard to make new friends and I know that it takes a long time for this introvert to come out of her shell - so that others can really get to know me. Once I know you, I'm pretty open and I'm honest to a fault - but until you know me well, you really don't know me at all - and that's a hard spot to be in as a new friend. I often find that people judge me or think that I'm mean or don't want to get to know them or that I think I am better than other people - none of which are true. I'm really just petrified of rejection - and that means that I shut down.

I'm even that way with my own family - none of them know about this blog - none of my friends know about it - and I'm actually really scared of any of them finding out about it and judging me! I know that I want to put myself out there - I know I want to work to develop my voice and share my story - but I also know that it and I are not perfect - that I don't and won't always express myself just how I'd like - that feeling of discomfort - it means I'm growing and growing pains are always worth it in the end!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 2

Today's prompt on Jenni's Blog Every Day in May Challenge is to educate you all on something you know alot about or are good at - in my former life as a bossy "teacher lady" - I did a lot of that, so today - I'm going to do things a little different.

It's funny how much I used to know and how many things I used to be ready, willing, and able to educate others about - whether that be about early childhood education and development, discipline, parenting or the like. I had all the advice one could need and I knew just what to do - I was even ready to write the book - and then what happened?

I actually had a kid of my own - you know the kind that is yours 24/7 and not for 2-8 hours a day...and oh, hmm - things are just a little different on this end. Do I look back and regret the advice I gave? No. Do I think I was wrong or led people astray? No, I actually still think the majority, if not almost all, of the advice I've given parents over the years was good, sound advice - but what I do regret is the attitude I had at the time. Because even if my advice was right and even if I knew and know the "right" things to do - I was super judgmental. I was never rude or open in my judgment, but in my heart I was thinking how easily they could fix issues and how much better of a job I would/could do in their place - I was Judgy McJudgerson! And that was soo wrong, because, most of the time, especially in the community I worked in, these parents genuinely didn't know what to do to help their kids and they were scared of screwing them up, so they did nothing or they tried what they thought was best or what their parents had done and sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't - and they asked for help, or maybe they didn't even know anything was wrong. They looked to me for advice and I was the lady with all answers, yet I really didn't understand how much harder it is to put all of those things into practice in your every day 24/7 life than it is to "know" them and teach them - it's hard to tell your toddler he can't watch TV when you are exhausted and pregnant and all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch all day - it's hard to be consistent with the discipline when he's screaming in the store/restaurant/park/etc. and everyone is looking at you - it's hard to play trains for the 80,000th time in the last two days! - it's hard to feel like you are doing things right when you face tantrums at every turn.

So, today I'm supposed to educate you on something I know or something I'm good at, and in the past that would always have been something educational or something about childrearing - but instead I'm glad to not be the expert today - I'm glad that I'm not the one who has to have all the answers. So, I'm not going to educate you - I'm going to share in your struggle to raise your kids up right. I'm going to share that I'm still learning and that when it comes to kids - you never know it all! You have to let them educate you just as much as you educate them - you have to love them as hard as you can - and you have to filter through all the advice from the mom down the road who has it all together, the other mom who as far as you see has nothing together, and from that nosey/bossy teacher/nanny/kid who thinks she has it all figured out (because she might actually have something valid to add and even if she doesn't - she really does have good intentions even if she is a bit naive) and you have to use your child as your guide and determine what fits and what doesn't.

The biggest thing that I really want us all to know and embrace is that judging each other for our differences doesn't do our kids any good. Picking on those who do things differently only teaches our children that it is ok to hate what is different. Our world claims that it is for tolerance, yet the "mommy wars" rage about things like how we feed our babies and how to care for them and teach them - and that is just sad and silly. There are some absolutes and we should stand for what we believe in and support the things that are best for all children - because our kids can't advocate for themselves - but judging others won't change their minds or their hearts. I still struggle with judging other parents - I struggle as I see kids that aren't getting what they need developmentally or parents who don't think things apply to them - and I want to "educate" them all on how they should be doing things - but instead I'm learning how not to be the "teacher lady" and how not to boss other people's kids around and while it's hard - sometimes it's good to be the student and to be the one getting the education instead of giving it. I'm sure my time to teach will come again, and I'll have a little more credibility to back me up this time, but the biggest change will be that whether I agree or disagree - I know now that it's not my place to judge - even if you're wrong!  ;)

Quiet Book

So, I've never done a crafty post before, and I'm not sure how to go about it, but I've mentioned before that I was working on/made Owen a quiet book! I've questioned whether or not I should even write this post, since I had a lot of online inspiration, even used a template for several pages, and didn't really use a ton of personal creativity -- but I did make this book for my son with my own two hands and I worked really, really hard on it, so I want to celebrate and remember that! I'm really proud that I started and finished such a big project and I really think it turned out well!

I started my first two pages (the farm and hill) at the beginning of February (right before my sister's wedding) and I completed the rest of the book by March - so it took about a month overall - and unfortunately while lots of people say they completed their quiet books for about $30 - mine cost darn near $100, but I still have a ton of leftover supplies and will probably be able to make 2-3 more books with only a few small purchases. (I had to buy packs of things like buttons, embroidery thread, and ribbon, etc. to use only a small amount - and after the first two pages I absolutely HAD to buy a nice pair of left-handed scissors!!! - those things were a life project saver!)

I have a TON of other ideas and pins of pages to make, but the book is almost 2 inches thick already, so I'm thinking those ideas will need to go into additional books! The pages are currently bound with 2 rings in buttonholes, but I need to get some bigger rings so the pages will turn more easily and I still need to come up with a cover for the whole thing, but by the time I finished these pages, I was ready for a little break from sewing! It's been a month now, so I pulled this back out to start to put it together and get it ready for Owen and I thought it was about time to document it all at the very least for posterities sake!

The first set of pages are obviously all of our names for Owen to touch/trace/name the letters. I eventually plan on making letters for him to match with those, but since he's a few years from that anyway, I didn't bother with that yet. The page underneath is a whiteboard of sorts. It is transparency sheet sewed into a frame with a printed page behind it that I can switch out. This page was difficult to sew and I actually broke a needle trying to get through the transparency sheet - so it didn't turn out a nicely as I'd like, but I'll probably redo it in the future. I got my inspiration to do a name page from Homemade By Jill - but I ended up deciding to do the whole family instead of just Owen - especially since that means that Owen and Noah can both use it as time goes on.

These next pages are pretty basic (and LAZY - I used foam stickers for the numbers and letters!!). I found the idea for the numbers page on Sew Can Do - I loved the idea of using the ribbon and combining number recognition with quantity in a simple toddler-friendly way! I plan on making Owen/Noah a better ABC page as he gets older, but the stickers work for now - he can easily explore them and I can replace any that get messed up, so we'll stick with it until he's showing readiness for more letter work!

Next, I have the elephant/balloons page to work on color words and the shape matching page (the shapes come off with velcro). I saw lots of shape pages all over, so I don't really think that one needs any recognition, but the elephant with balloons was inspired by Jill's elephant page from Montoya's Meaningful Memories and Musings. She made a super cute elephant holding balloons that is a color matching page, but that combined with the inspiration of the written words on Toni's mermaid fish/shape page - I decided to adapt it so that my balloons would match with the color word and be a little harder - so that page will work when the boys are older too! I also decided to keep my balloons attached on their strings so they wouldn't get lost - we'll see if that becomes a tangled mess, I might have to eventually cut those off and add some velcro.

These 8 pages are all closely taken from Jocelyn's template from Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows! Her quiet book was soo cute and her Quiet Book Blog linked me to a ton of other cute quiet books that served for inspiration for lots of future pages!!! There are several other pages in her quiet book that I plan to make in the future as well - her whole book is just ADORABLE! I love all the pages and I foresee hours of fun with Mr/Mrs. Potato-Head, the decorate-a-dinosaur and button flowers, the farm with puppets, and the apple tree and ladybug that help O work with snaps and zippers! He's had a little practice with the Potato Head page already and gets super excited whenever I pull it out!

These two pages are actually the last and first (respectively) pages of my quiet book. The first page (on the right) is just a simple weaving page - part of Jocelyn's template and many, many, many other quiet books - and the last page is a tool box for my little "engineer" who attempts to use just about anything to "ficks" all the chairs/gates/things in our house - if he can see a screw...then he is using keys/any toy with a point/and stealing actual tools to attempt to turn it and fix all the things! I looked the pictures from Keely's tool box page to help with the perspective and sizing of my tools, but I cut and made them myself - so the tool page is sort of a combo between a copied and creative.

So, like I said, I had a lot of inspiration - that I've hopefully given all the credit to those that it is due! Those ladies are super creative and I totally latched onto that - although I did come up with a few tweaks of my own and I'm really proud of myself for my hard work because even with the ideas - this was a TON of work! Since I finished it, I've been going back and forth on whether I want to give Owen the book as his gift when Noah is born or wait until his second birthday in August (we'll just have to see where he is developmentally come June). He's watched me make it and has looked at all the pages (so it's not a surprise - but at this age he doesn't seem to get that concept anyway), but - when I've given him the chance to explore it a little - he's still really ROUGH with it, and after ALL the man-hours I put in....I just can't handle that, so it's staying put away for a few more months while we keep working on those fine motor skills!

This has been the biggest project I've taken on since Owen was born and it was so much fun getting back into doing something crafty and creative! I really hope to keep it up by making more Quiet Books and pages  - and making lots of other crafty projects for my kiddos and my home!

Toddler fits

Throwing a fit because his egg broke and he couldn't put it back together!

So, yesterday, Owen had one of those days - actually, it's been one of those weeks with him, but yesterday was especially bad - starting out with a 7am wake up, which is at least an hour to two hours early for him. It seems just about anything and everything warrants an epic fit of tears and frustration and screams. Bawling because his train came apart at the magnet between the cars, or because he wanted to repeatedly click his high chair straps over and over (which requires that mommy un-click them, and she wanted to eat lunch) or because he wants to watch trucks but not those trucks! Fits over too much, too little, too fast, too slow, and fits...just for the sake of fits. My sweet gentle boy, has just been at the end of his rope. It might be because he's almost two, or because he's teething, or because my pregnancy is getting to him as I get slower and less fun, and maybe just because he has a little more of his mommy in him than people realize on first glance.

Because, by the end of the day yesterday, it was mommy's turn - and mommy was the one throwing the epic toddler fits. I was mad because J was pressuring me to pick what I wanted to eat (as I asked him to pick something up, and he was nearing home). I was mad because J was pressuring me by offering me options of things he could cook me at home, when I just didn't want to eat yet - even though i knew that he and Owen were hungry! I was mad because he just wasn't taking my picture RIGHT, goshdarnit - although I used some much harsher words, embarrassingly...in front of my son. I was just plain mad and sad - I felt ignored and pushed around and not even a little but listened to. And J, well, he kind of panicked and went into overdrive trying to fix everything and do all the right things - only that just made everything worse, because to my overtired, overstimulated cranky toddler mess of a self, that was just more of the same - more pushing and pressure that I just couldn't handle.

I, crankily, sat down to dinner with my boys and huffed and puffed through dinner with a cranky fit throwing toddler and a bewildered husband who couldn't have done anything right no matter how hard he tried (and believe me he tried). Dinner led immediately into bath time (and "photo shoot" time as I needed a picture for my 31 week post), along with several fights and fits (toddler and mommy-alike), and pushed towards a bedtime that was almost an hour early. Then by 8:30 - I laid down in bed waiting for my husband to "fix it" even though I'd only pushed him away all night - this led to a monster breakdown - tears galore, sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years because he just wouldn't "listen" to me - this of course turned into a hours-long conversation, in which, I laid out all the ways that J had hurt me all night long and how insensitive he was and so on and so on - and he told me how sorry he was and how much he just wanted to make me happy and so on and so on - finally culminating in a way too late bedtime - feeling a little better and a lot more understood.

Then this morning, by the light of day, I saw myself in a whole new light, and what a child I had been. J spent the whole evening and hours that he should have been sleeping loving me, while I whined and cried and yelled and told him how he was doing it all wrong - which is exactly what I've been getting so frustrated with Owen for doing (only he has a bit more of an excuse, being an actual toddler and all).

I'd like to blame my actions on pregnancy or lack of sleep or any of the other reasos and excuses that I use to explain away my behavior and Owen's - but the truth is that I let my sin nature get the best of me, and while I'm trying to teach my toddler to tame his own - I needed a real lesson in humility and how I don't have it all together myself - to help get my expectations for Owen and for myself back in check. The fact of the matter is that he can't and I can't do it on his/my own! We need God and his grace and power in our lives. We need His help to rise above our sin nature and honor Him with our lives. It's really easy to get caught up in doing and being good - in our power and will rather than His - and I needed the reminder that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - not through my own strength!

J really was an amazing example of God last night - he stood back, never leaving me, but letting me have the space I needed to throw my fit, always ready and willing to help whenever I let him close enough to try. He listened to me whine and complain and tell him that everything he did was wrong and how it was all his fault - when really he did absolutely nothing wrong - and isn't that just like a, telling God how to do His job, telling him what we want and need and whining because we didn't get our way or He wasn't/isn't fast enough or He answered our prayer in a way that we weren't expecting. I am just so grateful to have a God and a husband who are both willing to love me through my meltdowns and gently talk me down from the other side - who love me enough to keep trying and never leave when I push.

I've always prided myself on being so mature and grown-up - but this kid of mine is showing me in new ways all the time - just how much growing up I still have to do, but that's okay - we have each other and J and an amazing Father in heaven - and we'll figure out this growing up thing, even if we do have a few bumps along the road. My mom always used to tell me that she and I grew up together - and in my childlike perspective I thought that meant that she was just really immature when she had me (sorry, mom!)...but now I see it in a whole new light. This motherhood thing...it's a different type of growing up, one complete with a whole new set of growing pains, but worthwhile too.

So, here we go kiddo, Mommy will keep teaching you and you keep teaching me - and we'll both keeping letting God lead us and help us to grow into the people that He wants us to be - because heaven knows we can't do it alone and none of us can handle many more days like yesterday! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of tomorrows - new days when we can start fresh and do better than we did before!

And just to show that this week hasn't been ALL temper tantrums and toddler fits - here's my boys being the goofs they are cracking themselves and this momma up!

Man, do I love these boys! These were their "mom, stop with that flash in my face"-faces!

Begin

Everyone keeps talking about their word of the year and I've never really done one before, but this year I kept getting this nagging feeling that I should choose one. Yet, God and I have a relationship where I just know that if I choose this word of the year like peace or patience - I'm just asking for a trying year. So, I struggled with choosing something that will in fact push me to grow and will open doors to let God do His work in me, but won't be asking for frustrations and difficulties or more pressure than I'm looking to take on. I'm not so good with the letting go and just trusting - but anyway. (I even try to tell God how to take care of me - talk about foolish and limiting!)

Anyway, I am a girl of many ambitions, I want to do this whole blogging thing, I want to do toddler preschool with Owen, I want to have a home management plan that I stick to and take care of my home, I want to start doing some sewing and knitting projects that turn out decently. I want to actually learn how to use the big girl camera - that my hubby so lovingly gifted me with for Christmas, even though it was way outside of our gift budget (and, speaking of budgets, I really want to stick to one and get some debt paid off this year!). I want to take care of my inside and my outside babies and I want them to know how phenomenally loved they are - by me and by God. I want to do more, watch less tv, and to grow into a better wife and mommy than I was last year - and to start working to be a much "smaller" me come July!

So, here's the thing - none of these are new goals or resolutions or ideas. They've all been nagging at me for quite a while - but this girl, this one, here - she's a perfectionist and a procrastinator - and she reallly, really needed that post. It's always been easier to just label myself as lazy - to just put it off, shut it down, and do nothing - but it really isn't as simple as all that and there is no way that I could have put it as well as Adriel. I have this drive to do things everything perfectly and I somehow convinced myself that once I was a stay-at-home-mom that I would have plenty of time to do things the way I want them to be done. HA! This kid of mine, doesn't think that most of the things on my priority list matter much and he'd much rather have my attention all to himself and recently as we have more fully entered toddlerhood - he's finding ways to demand that undivided attention if I don't provide it - like making "bi, bi, bi, bi meh"es (big, big, big, big messes for those who don't speak toddler) or grabbing me and tugging or screaming - oh the screaming! But, I digress, the more time thing...not so much. But, that's just another excuse - in reality - I'm scared. Scared of failing, of not being good enough, of not doing enough - I'm scared that I really will try and it won't matter, so I just don't. Or I wait until the last possible minute before I have to do something, so that when it isn't as nicely done as I'd like I have the excuse (even if for no one but myself) that I did it last minute and didn't have time to do a better job.

This leaves me in a place where I am facing a laundry list of goals and plans - none of which I've really done before. I don't know how to do them right perfectly. Yet, here's the thing, if I don't start where I am, then I am paralyzed. I'm stuck in this place where anything less than perfect equals failure - so I never start - yet then I feel like a failure anyway since you can't find success in something you never start. So, this year my word is "begin" and to me that means really giving things a go. It means knowing that I won't do things perfectly the first time for a while, but I will be making strides towards reaching them. Instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the enormity of my ambition - I need to allow myself to find success in the process.

I need to be willing to accept the grace provided to me by God and others and I need to apply a little of that grace I'm willing to give others to myself. How can I expect that Owen or J will ever feel as though they can accept grace from me or that they can meet my expectations - if I don't allow that margin for myself. How can they feel successful if they know that I have perfect expectations of myself - yet lower those expectations for them to allow them to be human. It seems like such a haughty perspective - to believe that I should be able to be capable of the perfection that can only be found in the Lord - to believe that I alone should be held to these standards. Which, of course, it is not my intention - or I believe the intention of most perfectionists - to ever indicate that I believe that I am better than others. It is just a serious struggle for me to believe that it is okay, that I am okay, that's the funny thing about prideful actions, they're often very closely tied to significant insecurities. I have no trouble loving others as they are, but loving myself as I am - a lot harder, and that's not what I want for my children. Yes, I want them to freely and fully love others, but I want them to love themselves as well, just as they are, not when and if they reach some new pinnacle.

So, here I begin... I begin loving myself - just as I am - not when I reach some goal. And I am ready to begin taking steps - moving towards who and what and where I want to be - I may not get there today, or even tomorrow - but I'll get there a lot sooner than if I never start! So, here's to 2013 the year of beginnings! The beginning of a family of 4 - the beginning of a new life - the beginning of a new me - letting go of the old - letting go of the fear - and letting go of the pursuit of perfection.