the season of goodbyes

I was the person who never knew loss or death or any real tragedy. Into my adulthood, my family remained complete - with rare injuries and sickness - and no needs for any goodbyes.

Then it was my grandma, my dad's mom - who we never expected to say goodbye to. A bladder surgery, followed by complications, followed by what we all thought was Alzheimer's - but now I really think was toxicity from a serious uti/kidney infection - and then she was sick and then she was gone. For the last year or so it was hard. She wasn't the same and would ask questions that showed her mind was years in the past - she knew me but she thought I was in high school rather than college and with the loss of bladder control - the smell of their home was difficult at best. So, we didn't visit as often that year and we said goodbye to the grandma we had known before she was really gone - but then when she went, the pain she felt, the struggle - it was hard - and the unsaid truths lingered - it was hard feeling like we should have done more to get her healthy, but no one had known she was sick. We always said that in the end it would be that way - she was such a servant and the consummate hostess a proverbs 31 example to us all, and a product of the 50s housewife generation - she would never admit that she was hurting or didn't have everything under control - it just wasn't done. In the end, she was surrounded by almost all of her family, praying, laughing, loving, living. This was my first taste of death - my first goodbye - lessened by knowing that she was now in heaven and felt no more pain - but life changing all the same. She was and is missed.

My grandpa - he was never really the same after she left him - and I'm not quite sure he ever really got over it - after all he was always the sick one with open heart surgeries and the rest - he was always supposed to go first - but instead he outlived her by years - his love, his life. He lived with my parents and then on his own, and eventually was sick enough to need to be in a medically supported nursing home. In and out of the hospitals, time and again, the claimed he wouldn't make it time and again - and to be honest we were never quite sure if he wanted to come back to us. My papa - he loved me - he wasn't expressive, he didn't share or talk about life or emotions - but his love for me was palpable. He was proud of me and loved my boys and was in awe of them and their beauty. After Owen was born he told me how proud he was to have a great grandson and Noah just added to his joy. 

In November, my little family ventured to the desert to make some decisions on our house and celebrate thanksgiving with my family. While we were there, we made the trek with my whole family to visit Papa in his "home" (which he called a prison and hated) about 2 hours from where my parents live in the town where my uncle and his family live. Papa was able to meet Noah for the first time and we were able to capture a few beautiful pictures and sort of say our goodbyes - as we didn't imagine that we would all be together again before he passed as we were not expecting to be in the desert again until we move back in July. 

Sure enough, on Christmas Eve as we headed up north to visit J's family, we got a call that my Papa who had been in the hospital with mrsa and pneumonia was being moved to hospice. To say that this put a damper on Christmas would be a bit of an understatement! I spent the next several days "celebrating" with a heavy heart - and by the 26th my MIL had offered to fly the boys and myself back home to say goodbye. I arrived in the desert on the evening of the 27th and my mom and I drove down to the VA the next morning. The nurses said that the babies shouldn't come in, so my parents stayed outside with the boys who were unhappy to see me leave after so much upheaval and constant travel - but eventually calmed with their grandparents. The family had all assembled - uncles and aunts and cousins - all holding vigil each day and night ensuring that he was never alone. They left to give me a moment alone with him - to say my own goodbyes - and everyone went outside to see the boys. I told him I loved him and that I knew it hurt and that it would be okay to let go and say goodbye - that grandma and Jesus were waiting for him - and I thanked him - I thanked him for loving me, for being the man he was, for everything he had done for us all. And within minutes - his breathing calmed and slowed and he was gone - all the while holding my hand. My papa and grandma were both gone - I held his hand for a while longer - having called my dad and telling him I thought it was close - although he didn't seem to believe me. He called back after I tried calling him a few more times, unsure of whether or not he was really gone, I never let go of his hand - not wanting to abandon him in his last moments if he wasn't quite gone - I told my dad that I thought he was gone and in moments the boys (my dad and uncles) had rushed the room - my aunts and cousins with tears in their eyes - and me not quite sure how to feel - and I'm still not - over a month later and I'm still not quite sure. My chest feels tight and swells when I think of it, but I can't really cry - I know his quality of life was less than I'd want for him and I know he's in heaven - what more could I want. Yet still there is an ache - not the ache of the unsaid as I had with my grandma - as I told him all of those things in our last moments alone - the ache is for the man I didn't get to know as fully as I'd like, the stories he'll never tell, for my father - the orphan, for my boys who won't remember their great-grandfather. I miss him - I want him back, but I don't want him to hurt - so I know that goodbye was best. And best that these goodbyes happen while the boys are too young to remember the pain. Yet, I'm struggling - I'm not bouncing back like I feel I should - I'm not sure if it's struggling to deal with the experience of being alone with him when he passed - but I don't think that's it - I think that was okay and I was glad to be that safe place for him to let go. I just...I just hurt - I'm withdrawn after nearly a month away from this place that we currently call home - from the end of October through the beginning of January - the boys and I were away from home for over 5 weeks - followed by our car being rear ended and then colds and terrible weather - we haven't seen our friends in months - we haven't been to playdates or had a routine - and now, the clock is ticking for the next big change and move - and the effort to reconnect only to face more goodbyes in only four months overwhelms me. And now, today we here that J's grandmother was placed on hospice and we must travel again to say our goodbyes and support my MIL as she loses her mother. 

It seems to be the season of goodbyes - and it is not a season I relish. I'm struggling with the change and the finality and the loss. I'm struggling to determine what I should hold onto and what I need to let go. This move back home, one I so looked forward to when we arrived, has now become a source of pain. I have friends and a life here - that I will miss - I don't like goodbyes - I don't like losing - I guess no one does - my heart is heavy for these losses, natural and necessary though as they may be. Pray for us - as we travel again - as we say goodbye again - as we find our way back to normal only to prepare for more changes. Such is life, and I, for one, am grateful to be alive.  

It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Lost and found

Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself? Just a little bit? With an energetic toddler and a newborn in the house -  who I am and who I want to be often seems to get lost in the shuffle - the shuffle of nursing and potty training and runny noses. You find your identity through them and with them and in spite of them in all the best and the worst ways.

Today is my birthday and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea how old I am turning - sure when I take the time to do the math - I will find that I am now 27 - but I'm really not sure how that has happened, how I am ten years out from the girl entering her senior year if high school - about to embark into worlds she had never known. The last age I remember turning was 25 - and I remember being disappointed that my "golden" birthday (25 on the 25th) wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I'm sure that J made the next better as he knew that I had been hurt, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the love that was shown on each of those days, but my life is such that I have no recollection of those days - or why I was hurt or happy - I am no longer the priority - I have no grand plans for what I should have for myself - and you know what - it's supposed to be that way. 

These are the years of babies who need me to be their everything - these are the years that I'm building their identities and showing them who they should be - and if who I am has to be on hold for a little while so that I can do that - then that is fine with me.  I'm not using it as a cop-out or an excuse not to better myself or grow - I am working to better myself and to grow, but I'm working to be better for them rather than for me. I'm reading up on parenting and spirited children and personalities and raising boys and I'm trying to study and grow in the Lord to be a better mother. Not to compete in a Pinterest world, but to provide them with memories that will last a lifetime - to be a better example of a woman of God (so that they know what to look for in a girlfriend and a wife), to be a light so that they will see and know God's love through me. 

I want them to see themselves through His eyes and to grow to be men after His heart - and in order to do that - as there is only so little time in a day, in a childhood, and in a lifetime - who I was has to be abandoned - who I used to be has been lost, but who I am becoming - the me I am finding as I travel through the fog of too little sleep, too many dirty diapers, and just enough grace - is who I believe I was always meant to be. It is only through losing yourself and letting go of the reins that you will find who He has always hoped you will be. And she might not be someone you recognize in the mirror, but in your heart you will find that as you become their shelter - you have found your way home. 

Happy Labor Day

Well, here we are - yet another holiday home alone with the kids - and I'm sure we're not the only ones - but just for fun let's discuss how we got here...

The week before last was rough...J worked late Thursday getting home around 9 then Friday he got stuck on another case and got home just after 8 - then he was on call Saturday worked regular days getting home between 5-6 Monday and Tuesday then call again Wednesday - and we were SOO looking forward to post-call Thursday and J had taken Friday off - so J was going to have 5 days off in a row - and we needed it after the last week! 

Then - guess what?! - an email went out Wednesday afternoon saying that - due to some scheduling snafus - the "junior" fellow needed backup support and wasn't ready to work completely alone and there was a big case Friday that need a more senior fellow - so the guy post-call would need to stay and do it...the wording of the email didn't exactly ask J to come in, but it sort of made it clear that he was really needed! So, of course, since we weren't planning on leaving town, we decided that J should go in to help and be available as backup for the weekend. 

We offered for him to work Friday so the post-call fellow could go home - then, and I'm not sure how this happened in the conversation, but the schedule for the whole weekend was reworked and J ended up on call today. Whatever, stinks, but we are used to it, not that big of a deal, and we were promised a different long weekend for helping out - great! 

So, we were a little bummed, but we had a normal weekend and J kissed me goodbye and was off to work this morning like normal and I went back to sleep - only unlike normal - this morning I got a call at 5:40 - J had stopped at 7-11 for an energy drink and the car key had broken off in the door! Are you kidding me? So, he needed me to come get him and bring him to work - now this was no easy feat with a two year old and a three month old. 

I lumbered out of bed and got dressed - changed diapers and dressed the boys and headed out. By the time we got to daddy at about 6 - both boys were thoroughly awake and crying. Then Noah decided he was hungry and proceeded to cry the entire 20 minute drive to take daddy to work - we were able to nurse in the parking garage before heading home - so Noah fell asleep full and happy, but by that point there was no getting Owen back to sleep. Now, here we are 3 hours later - on the day that feels like it may never end - and naptime just may happen by 10am - although Noah has been asleep for two hours - so I'm sure he'll be up as soon as Owen is down - no naps for Mama! It's going to be a couple of cups of coffee morning!

Such is life as a doctor's wife - hope everyone else is having a better holiday than I am! With or without your other halves!

Owen - on your second birthday

Owen,

My oldest, my firstborn, the child who made me a mother and taught me all about a new kind of love - you constantly astound me with your strength, your intelligence, your will, but most of all with your heart. Today, you are two years old - you are speaking in sentences that get longer and clearer each day, you love and protect your brother in ways that I couldn't even begin to imagine or hope for before you made them a reality. You are such an amazing little boy, and you are just that, a little boy - each and every day you are less my baby and more boy - and it is breaking my heart into pieces - both with sadness at the loss of the baby that you were and with pride and joy at the boy that you are becoming. My love for you grows each day at a rate that even you can't keep up with - although you are growing far more quickly than I'd like and soon I will no longer be able to fit you neatly in my arms - so I will soak up all the time I can holding you, carrying you, cuddling you, and loving you every way that I know how. 

They say that two is terrible and I've heard tell that three is worse, but I'm not going to accept that for us my dear boy. You are just so sweet and loving and smart - and sure you are testing each and every boundary that you reach, but together we are going to navigate this time successfully and we are going to make sure this time is joyous rather than frustrating. 

So, here is to embracing boyhood and all the messy and sticky and stinky and beautiful bits of it! I can't wait to see what you have in store for me next! 

Love you more than words can say!

Mom

Noah's arrival - Part 3 - Postpartum

Both boys minutes after birth

Once Noah had entered the world, I expected everything to immediately return to normal, but things didn't exactly work that way. Noah was placed on my chest and after a few minutes was weighed and measured and all of that - since he was so big (9lb8oz @ 37w2d) they were a little extra concerned about him. I got about a million stitches while he was checked out. When they put him back on my chest, he was a little lazy at first and wasn't really latching on and I felt guilty thinking he was that way because I had taken the Stadol. His blood sugar was a little low, as was his body temperature. Not enough to take him to the NICU, but enough that the nurses were really pushy - they let us try to nurse for about an hour and started really pushing a bottle of formula - we requested a cup to supplement with like we had used with Noah - and they sent for lactation - and the first LC who came was way less than helpful. Noah continued to be lazy and his blood sugar dropped more, so I relented and let the pushy nurse give Jason a bottle a formula to feed him as he really hadn't eaten at all in the first few hours. They also made us keep him under the warmer's for what seemed like forever.

While I had been on the Stadol and was all loopy and confused - my MIL, D, had arrived in town and picked up Owen from L's house where J had dropped him off that morning. J let her (and everyone else) know that Noah was here - and told them (D and Owen) that they could come after we were moved to the recovery room in a few hours. Because of the blood sugar and body temp issues we stayed in the delivery room a little longer than usual, but eventually they bathed Noah, got him warmed up again, and moved us over to the other room (they didn't have warmers in the recovery rooms - so that was why we couldn't leave). 

We moved over to recovery and my blood pressure stayed high, but got a little better and after 24 hours - we were getting a little better at nursing, blood sugars and temps were stabilized, and Noah was looking pretty good - except for the fact that he was very bruised - his nose and cheeks and all along the backs of his forearms. He looked like a little boxer and as time passed he was getting a little jaundiced. J stayed in the hospital with us while D was at home with Owen - and each morning J went home to take Owen to his swim lessons, so he wouldn't miss out and end up behind. (Those lessons were amazing, but that's another post). Then, Owen would go home and nap with "Gramps" as he liked to call her - and J would come back to me - then later D would bring Owen to the hospital for dinner and a visit each day. 

Owen was not really a fan of his baby brother at first, hated being in my hospital room, and didn't want Noah anywhere near him. He just wanted to walk the halls and leave with grandma - it sort of broke my heart! But, each day he did get a little better and would let Noah a little closer to him and spent some time cuddled up with me. 

After 24 hours they took me off of the mag, but my blood pressure didn't normalize like it should have and they continued my meds from pregnancy and increased the dose. But my BP kept rising, so they started my on a second med on day 2pp and I had to stay another night :( - by day three my BP was still super high, but the doc on call agreed to increase my dose and let us go home and monitor my BP at home! Yay! 3 days in the hospital is way too long! We were finally home Saturday afternoon and able to start adjusting as a family - and have Noah's newborn pictures taken on Sunday. Within, a few days at home, Owen was very protective of Noah and always wanted to know where he was and hold him - so I was happy to know that most of his difficulty was with the hospital and not with me or his brother.  

I had a check up about a week pp and my blood pressure was normal on meds, but my doc kept me on them, but said to continue checking at home and after another week I was off of both meds as my BP started getting low! Yay! I went for another check after a week off meds and BP was normal - and it was still normal at my 6 week check! Yay! Although, Owen was a little traumatized by all of this and gets berry upset when my blood pressure is checked now - he's a smart cookie and knows that when they checked momma she went away and slept at the hospital and he did not like that! 

After discharge, Noah had to go back after 24hrs for a jaundice check and his levels were even higher so we had to go in Monday for another check - then we got a call that said he had to go the the children's hospital and have him checked again that evening since his levels were even more elevated and that if they hadn't gone down - he would have to be admitted to go under the lights - I was super upset and we prayed like crazy and nursed as much as I could possibly get him too - even more than we had been - which was every two hours since we left the hospital trying to get things back to normal. Evidently, his jaundice was greatly increased by all he bruising from birth. That night we got the hospital and they couldn't find the lab orders from our doc, so we had to wait over an hour as they got a hold of the doc to send new orders - praying and waiting and praying and waiting. They finally brought us back and drew blood - then we waited the next half hour in the can for the results - to find out if he would be admitted or go home - and praise the Lord - we got a call that his bilirubin levels had dropped drastically - way more than could have been expected - and he didn't need to be admitted! We went home and scheduled another check for Wednesday along with his 1wk checkup. He had lost more weight since he left the hospital, but was back over his birth weight and completely over all jaundice issues by his 2 week appointment! 

So, overall, we were very blessed and protected, but it was quite the stressful two weeks while both Noah and I recovered and got healthy! I was so glad that J was able to be home for those two weeks with soo many doctors appointments and the nonstop feeding and feeling crummy from the BP meds (they made me tired and really achey) - then in the middle of that time J's parents came for the weekend and then at the end of J's time off work, my parents came for two weeks. So, our first month together was very full and blessed and passed very quickly! And now, Noah is already two months old and we are finally getting into a new routine an getting back out for playdates and a more normal life. It's amazing how long it really takes to start getting back to normal with two under two (only for a few more days!).

Even though my pregnancy and delivery were not ideal, Noah was and is so completely worth any and all difficulty in getting him here! I thank the Lord every day for both of my amazing boys!

Noah's Arrival - Part 2 - Induction & Delivery

Warning: this is a birth story and does get a little graphic - if that creeps you out - just skip this one - although it does end with this guy! :)

We got a little sleep Monday night and questioned whether this was the beginning stages of labor and whether or not J should go into work Tuesday, but we decided if it was he could always come back home so J went to work and Owen and I had a pretty typical day - although we were fairly housebound other than swim lessons - since I had to, you know, pee in a bucket and store it in the fridge!

J got home fairly early and we had some dinner and family time before we went over to the hospital to drop off my "specimen" at the outpatient lab. Then it was back home, bedtime for Owen, shower for me, and dishes for J. We had only been home for about an hour and a half when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize on the caller id. 

I hopped out of the shower and answered the call that changed everything. It was the doctor on call from my OB practice and she explained to me that what was supposed to happen this evening was that I should have dropped off my urine and waited at the hospital for the results so they could decide whether or not to admit me to induce - only they had forgotten to tell me that part! Turns out the cutoff for protein in your urine to be diagnosed with pre-eclampsia is 300 somethings/something (technical I know) - and my labs came back at 306! So, they were officially diagnosing me with pre-e and I was supposed to get my things together, figure out what to do with Owen, and get into the hospital ASAP to start cervadil that night and begin induction with pitocin in the morning. 

I went downstairs and based on my face J thought I was going to tell him my water had broken, but instead I relayed the doctor's orders and we got to work figuring out what to do and rearranging J's schedule and letting his colleagues know he'd be out for a while. We decided that since O refused to sleep at L's house that we'd bring him to the hospital while I was admitted and then J would go home and sleep with him and bring him over to L's in the morning before things got started. J also called his mom so she could get on a flight first thing in the morning and get O from L's house that afternoon.

J, Owen, and I hung out at the hospital while I was admitted and the cervadil was placed - then it was bedtime. J brought Owen home and I started the night of no sleep that should never precede delivery! Noah and I were on monitors all night with blood pressure checks every half hour. Noah, as he typically did in utero, kept moving like crazy and nurses were in my room every half hour to hour to readjust things because Noah's heart rate wasn't showing up on the monitors and all of this was on top of fairly regular contractions! Err! By 6am, I was glad that it was morning and time to get things started because that meant I was that much closer to getting out of there! (Ha!) 

I was able to get up and remove the cervadil and shower which felt really nice - by the time all the checks and everything were done I was only dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced - which I had been 2cm dilated  and 60% effaced the night before - so it didn't feel too great to hear. They started up the pitocin and upped the dose every hour - and it seemed to me that everything was going horribly slowly - contractions really intensified, so I'm not sure of the timeline from here on out, but I'll record what I do know and remember. After I'd been on the pitocin a while, maybe an hour or so - a nurse came to check my cervix and I was dilated to a 3 or so but shortly after she left I started leaking a little, but I wasn't sure if my water had broken or not. We changed out the bedding and they told me that my water hadn't broken, but I just kept leaking and within about 1/2 an hour it was clear that my water had in fact broken - and my doc came in to check me and break my water just as I was on my way to the bathroom and had a big gush on the floor. Dr. Emily was glad my waters had broken on their own - so we continued on upping pitocin, which was making my contractions really strong, but not very regular - I continued gushing fluid on a regular basis (which I didn't remember happening with Owen) and contractions kept getting stronger and stronger. I bounced on the birthing ball for a while, which helped some, but not significantly.

 I didn't have much range of movement with Noah on the monitors and my blood pressure being taken every 10-30 minutes and the pit and antibiotics (for group B strep) IV - so I couldn't do much else, but after around an hour contractions were getting too intense and I had to lay down again.  My blood pressure also continued to rise and at some point, we started mag - and I was told that I'd have to stay on it for at least 24hrs after his birth. Around this time, I was checked again and I was only dilated between a 5-6 and I was soo discouraged as I was nearing my pain threshold and it seemed I had so far to go and I had planned on doing things as naturally as possible. I denied pain meds, but then after talking with J, we had my Dr. come back and tell me about pain management options - let me tell you, inductions are no joke and are WAY worse than natural labor, at least in my experience. She explained the different IV pain meds and I chose Stadol, because she said that although it took a little longer to work -  it lasted longer. Man oh man, do I wish I hadn't done that! It was horrible! I know everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but I wouldn't recommend that stuff to anyone. It did not lessen my pain AT ALL and it made me feel SO loopy and out of it. For the next hour or so, everything is incredibly blurry and I just remember feeling so much pain and being confused and scared and convinced that I could not do this. Pain kept increasing and I asked for an epidural even though I felt so disappointed in myself and felt like I was failing Noah! The Stadol started wearing off and I felt less loopy, but still in incredible pain and I was starting to feel a lot of pressure to push with my contractions. Dr, Emily agreed that an epidural was a good idea because my blood pressure kept rising and I was in so much pain and putting a lot of stress on both of us - so it was ordered and it seemed like it was taking forever. I kept asking if there would still be time and I was assured that their would be. My doctor was about to go back checking on other patients but the nurses told her I was feeling a little "pushy" so she stuck around and I'm glad she did - because from this point it couldn't have been much more than 10 minutes before Noah was born.

Somewhere in the last hour or so before his birth as all of this was happening, I remember Dr. Emily telling me that Noah's face was turned to the side and she was trying to turn him and I also remember her asking if it was okay if a medical student who was shadowing her watched and I consented (poor girl was probably traumatized - I remember watching her shrink further and further into the corner as everything went down). All of a sudden I felt tremendous pressure and without even trying I was half in the air pushing - I literally couldn't hold him in - everyone rushed into action - my doctor ripping her jacket off and throwing on gloves and nurses holding my legs in the air as the removed the bottom portion of the bed telling me to try not to push - it was a crazy flurry of activity and the memory of it makes me smile and laugh - no one expected things to progress soo quickly at the end - during this whole process the anesthesiologist strolled in amidst all of this activity and me yelling and groaning out during contractions - somewhere in this process I remember being given an oxygen mask and told to breathe deeply - the anesthesia was sent away as he was obviously too late - in a matter of seconds after the first stifled push that brought on the rush to prepare and I was told that I could push if I needed too, and two pushes later - Noah James entered the world - 13:05 - 9lb8oz - 20.25in. Apparently, he turned on his way out and like his brother he had his cord wrapped around his neck. It was funny, how many things were so alike between each birth experience and how many we're different - as I pushed and pushed trying to get Owen out and was yelled at to push harder and Noah - who was much bigger - rocketed his way into the world.

To be continued...

Birth plans...and when things don't happen according to plan

So, birth plans...ha! I laugh in the face of birth plans - or at least my children laugh in my face for thinking I could plan their births.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the idea of birth that I have in my head and how things are supposed to go and how smooth and gentle and natural. How calm - breathing through contractions - pushing and working hard, of course, but still beautiful - and I'm sure highly "hollywoodized." Except, it isn't just Hollywood promoting this beautiful birth picture in my head, that might actually be easier to press aside, it's my dad telling me all these Christian things about how I don't have to feel any pain and how I'm delivered from that and I need to have faith in God and so on and so forth - on one hand I want to say "dude, you are a dude - you aren't allowed to have an opinion here" and on the other it's really hard not to feel like I'm letting him down, like I'm not strong enough or I don't have enough faith to believe for the healing that he so believes for - and there really are women who say that it was all smooth and easy, etc. Then on top of that, you have the idea and fact that my mom had very healthy pregnancies and had both my brother and sister at home with a midwife - so that was my plan and ideal growing up - I was born in the hospital, but that was "due to the midwife rupturing membranes too soon and my parents not listening to the prompting of the Spirit to wait" - I was good with that idea - I was good with childbirth being hard but natural and beautiful and almost spiritual. This is the same ideal promoted by midwives and the "crunchy" and the naturally minded - "women have been doing this on their own in fields for thousands of years and getting up and getting to work...." And so on and so forth.

Yet, things haven't worked out for me that way in the birthing and pregnancy department - you can read/reread Owen's birth story here - things just don't always look the way you see them in your head - and I'm trying to cope with that and my vastly different reality without embracing/claiming it as MY fault or feeling badly about how I'm not strong enough or healthy enough or how I don't have enough faith. I'm really, really struggling with that and how to think about it and what the right perspective should be (although I do think it is a sign of a healthy grip on postpartum emotions that I am able to articulate this struggle). It's just hard when things don't go the way we hope they will - although I need to say that I know how completely and entirely blessed we are that things worked out as well as they did and that we all came out of the experience healthy and strong with no serious problems or issues! I'm working on writing up Noah's birth story and will post part one tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful of this space for the last month - but I've been focusing on my little family and enjoying J's time off (we saved his vacation so he could have 2 weeks off after Noah arrived and it was amazing having him home and then my parents were here for two weeks after that), but now we are starting to get into more of a routine and get the little issues we've head under control, so I should be back here more regularly from now on! Thanks for your congratulations and support and for sticking around while I disappeared for a while!

Noah James

Official stats will come from the doc on Monday, but we did our best at home. (Lol, we were way off - doc stats in parentheses)
Weight: 12.5lbs (11lb6oz - 90th %ile)   Length: 22" (21" - 30-40th %ile)

It's hard to believe that you've already been with us for an entire month - on one hand it feels like just yesterday that you were kicking and rolling around inside of me and on the other it feels like you have always been a part of our lives. You were meant to be a part of this family and you fit so well! I'm so thrilled that I was blessed with the honor of being your mommy! I love you so much already little man!

In the last four weeks you've been busy:

- you rolled over from tummy to back (twice) when you were just three weeks old - but you haven't done it again since! I couldn't believe it and I might still question it if I hadn't watched you do it with my own eyes! I am amazed by how strong you are! 

- you hold your head up for way longer than I think you should be able to 

- you follow/track my voice and my finger as I move around you or from side to side

- you have gotten much, much better at nursing and I have to help hold you and the boob perfectly in place much less often than before - although we are having some issues with overactive let-down and you sometimes cough and choke - you are learning to control the flow much better though

- you've grown out of newborn clothes and are wearing 0-3 months exclusively, but you are still wearing your newborn cloth diapers but will be into the one-size soon (or a size one in a 'sposie)

- you've started sleeping one 5-6 hour stretch at night followed (or preceded) by a four hour stretch from the beginning of one feed to the next - this is very much appreciated by your mommy! Although a few nights, you have decided that 12-2 is party time, which is pretty rough on Mommy and Daddy both!

- you were really worrying us with your jaundice for the first week or so and you almost had to be admitted to the hospital to be put under the lights, but we nursed like crazy and prayed like crazy and your bilirubin levels dropped "like crazy" (way more than anyone expected) in the course of about 8 hours! Praise the Lord!

- Momma and Poppy babysat you while Mommy and Daddy had a much needed night out and you took your first bottle like a champ!

- you are starting to find your hands and will suck on them a little to help soothe yourself and you still have a hard time with the binky, but you've almost got it!

- your belly button stump is long gone and your circumcision is healing nicely (don't worry I won't talk about your junk here regularly!)

So far, you are a lot like your big brother, but very different from him too! You have a much bigger chest and shoulders and smaller hands, legs, and feet. You have a much stronger upper body than he did at this age, while he had stronger legs. You have a great mellow personality and you are happy to go along with whatever we do and you are very patient. You hardly ever cry, but when you do, you are loud and insistent letting us know that you are really hungry or upset - I'm glad to see that you are able to be so sweet but still make your needs known! I can't wait to see all of the amazing ways that you are going to continue to grow and develop over the next year and throughout your life! I thought that time went quickly when Owen was a baby, but like I've been told - time definitely goes into hyper-drive with your second baby and I am completely in awe that an entire month has already passed and I'm sure that I'll be thinking and saying the same things 11 months from now on your first birthday and every birthday after that! I love you soo, soo much Noah Bear! You have brought a whole new dimension to our family and I love you for making Owen a brother and making us parents again! I'm so excited to be raise you and your brother together and while I'm sure the two of you will be crazy at times - I'm loving the bond that you already share and I want to do everything I can to nurture that bond and make sure that you both cherish it!

I love you sweet boy! 

Love,
Mommy

in between - five minute friday

I know I already shared this photo today, but it fit this post too!

In between my two babies. My boys - my sons - I am struggling with being caught in between the two if them - not quite meeting either one's needs exactly how they'd like. Today my toddler begged me to put my nursing newborn to bed - "mommy - sleepy, sleepy, pleaaase sleepy" he cried to me as he pointed to his brother's bassinet and begged that I prepare him a snack instead.

In between a rock and a hard place - they both need me so much, yet in such very different ways and in ways that are so much the same. One month in and I'm not sure how I'll do it, how I'll make sure that the toddler knows that he is loved and not forgotten and that the babe receives the attention and care that he needs as well. 

In between, not sure of which way to turn - who to help - there is only one of me and two of them with so many wants and needs between them.

But I continue on, finding the beauty in all this need, reveling in the wonder of all this love - between these two is exactly where I want to be!

sad...

My momma is gone. She and my dad left tonight at about seven to start their road trip back home to the desert. I held it together while they were leaving trying to make sure that Owen understood that they wouldn't be back in the morning and that we wouldn't be seeing them again for quite a while, and then not a full minute after I closed the door behind them, I had to get Owen distracted with a toy and I hid in the bathroom and cried - big time. They were here for about 15 days, but they both worked whole they were here and didn't come over until after Owen's afternoon nap most days - so I feel like I barely had time with them. And, of course, J is on call tonight and going golfing in the morning - this momma already misses her momma and isn't looking forward to doing g this alone! Here we go - time to start real life as a mom of two - with a hubby as a second year fellow - and no family less than 7 hours away! I know I can do this, but tonight, I just wanna pout a little! I want my mommy (complete with toddler stomp and pout)!

Oh and I do realize that after posting every day for a month, I haven't posted at all for the last month, but we are doing great and getting a routine down and I will be getting Noah's birth story finished up and be back to regularly scheduled posting again soon!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 31

Challenge Day 31: A vivid memory

Clearly - my most recent memory is somewhat overwhelmed with the events of the last week - but I want to devote a little more time to documenting that story correctly - so instead we are going to go a different direction - but first off - Hooray for me (and all of you out there!!) for actually blogging every day in May! I didn't know if I could do it and with the developing health issues and actually having Noah and being stuck in the hospital this week - I almost gave up so many times, but I really feel like I grew a lot this month and I'm proud I pulled this off! Anyway...


"G....come out! It's not funny!....G! GEEEE, WHERE ARE YOU?!!?!? The GAME IS OVER! COME OUT! It isn't funny! G, come out! G please, please, please come OUT! YOU WIN - just come out!" I was 8 or 9 years old and my little sister (G) was 3 or 4 - and she didn't start talking until she was 5. My parents had left me in charge while they were running an errand and my brother, one of his friends, my sister, and I all decided to play hide-n-seek. G was very good at hide-n-seek. We all hid and played several rounds of the game before we realized that G hadn't been out between the last few rounds and that no one had seen her in a while. We stopped the game and all started to call out for her and look for her throughout the house. We checked every closet and every hiding place we each knew. We looked for what seemed like forever calling out for her, after a while, I was screaming and crying out her name, begging her to just COME OUT! I began to panic - we were all panicking, but I, I was in charge, it was my responsibility to be keeping her(them) safe and she was gone. We searched the yard, yelling down the street, and went back to searching the house again. Keep in mind, this was the early 90s and there were no cell phones - there was no calling my parents and asking them to come home - there was simply searching and waiting for them to arrive to tell them that she was gone (or call the police - but I was too scared to do that). We started to re-search the house. Checking each place, looking for other smaller hiding places that we might have missed. The entire incident probably took place in 20-30 minutes - although it felt like hours years! We found her, eventually, in the back corner of a closet, on top of a four foot high pile of boxes squeezed into a 3-4 cubic foot space above the boxes under the shelf, behind several winter coats - in a space that none of us knew existed and wouldn't have expected her to be able to fit in even if we had known of it. And when we found her - she laughed - she had sat there, listening to the panic in all of our voices, listening to us cry and scream and yell, silently waiting to be found. I don't know that she would have ever come out. Unfortunately, this is not my only memory of panic - searching for G - in many different places - over the course of several years - with and without my parents - always with the added fear of knowing that she couldn't tell anyone her name or phone number or what her family looked like or anything else to help her to be found. Thankfully, she eventually overcame her mutism/speech delay and her penchant for hiding and torturing us all - because I'm sure her husband probably wouldn't appreciate either ;) - but I will forever remember those feelings or terror thinking that I had lost her forever. I love you, baby sister, but man, the scared 9-year-old big sister inside me still wants to beat you up for that!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 30

Challenge Day 30: React to this term: Letting Go

Each new chapter begins by bringing an end to the one before. Welcoming this new little family of four means saying goodbye to the family of three that we used to be. Tuesday night, when I got the call that they had found protein in my urine I wasn't ready - I wasn't ready to let go and say goodbye to my family of three. I was supposed to have another week - I was supposed to have a plan - and a last date before things changed. I was supposed to have a special weekend with Owen doing all his favorite things and saying goodbye to being just Owen's mom. Then in a moment - that was entirely unexpected - I was packing and making calls and doing all the last minute things to be at the hospital only hours later. I didn't get to have time to say my long, sweet goodbye - my life as I knew it was going to change - and it was going to change fast. And I, I am not good with change. I like plans and order and slow easy transitions that I can prepare for - but thankfully, I am not the one in charge - God is and He knows far better than I do what we need and the right timing for everything. He knew that it was time to let go and it was time to pull the bandaid on our life and what it used to be.

And guys, I'm so glad that He's in charge instead of me, letting go of who we were was the best thing I have ever done - and we have to let go in order to free our hands to embrace all the new, amazing things He has in store for us. I am so in love with being a mom of two, I am so in love with my new little boy, and the big brother that I know Owen will be. This new life that He create for us is so much better than any life I could have created for us - and I'm so glad that I let go of the old to embrace the new.

Quick Update: We are still in the hospital and I am off of the IV meds, but blood pressure is still too high - and went up a little after the IV meds were out of my system, so we are looking to get those under control tonight. Noah is doing fantastic, he's really figuring out nursing (nursed every hour last night - which mommy did not appreciate), and he's looking really good - we've dealt with a few little issues, but strong and healthy and with us - so that's exactly what we were praying for. Owen is loving his time with "Gpa" and doesn't particularly like this new "baby brother thing" we keep showing him and keeps telling us "all done" and "no touch" when we try to show him Noah - he let Noah get a little closer tonight than last night, but we'll get there. Daddy is great, but sleepy - looking forward to all of us spending the next two weeks together building our new little family! Once we're home and settled I'll write up Noah's whole birth story out - I still don't quite believe the way things all played out.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 29

Challenge Day 29:  Was supposed to be.... Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post
but, I've never really been all that into music - sure I like it and all, but it doesn't really speak to me - oh and instead of pushing it to try to stick to this prompt - I HAD A BABY TODAY!


So, I figured no one would mind if I went a little off prompt and shared the new deliciousness!

I went in to start cervadil late last night and pitocin this morning - and Noah arrived at 1:05pm! Birth story will be written up and shared later - but until then - enjoy the cute! And these memories are better than any song!

Last baby bump on the way to hospital, gowns, saline locks, and goodnight cuddles - oh my!

Noah James in all his glory! We are both doing well and I will right everything up just as soon as I can stop snuggling this giant cheeks!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 17

Challenge Day 17: A favorite photo of yourself and why

I can't choose just one - there are more, but here are three photos of myself that always make me smile - I just love them. One from each phase of my life - just me, married me, and momma me!

First:  

This is me at about two and I just love the beads and the cheeks and "little baby girl Jessi!"

 

Up next:

{care of our fantabulous wedding photographer}

 I have absolutely NO IDEA what we are all laughing at - and to be honest, it makes me love the picture even more - I don't have to connect it with some corny joke or stupid occurance - I can just remember how absolutely, deliriously happy we were on our wedding day. And that is nothing to shake a stick at!

Last, but not least:

This photo is blurry, the colors are off, and it just plain has some weird lighting and shadowing - but it doesn't matter in the least. It reminds me every time I look at it how much Owen loves me and how much I head-over-heels love my boys (all three of them!). I've got my inside baby and my outside baby all cuddled up and it is just such a tender moment and I'm so glad that J caught it!

So, I sorta cheated, but I felt like all of those versions of myself are still here wrapped up inside - and I needed to acknowledge each of them! Anyone else incapable of making a decision - and really good with excuses? (I'm absolutely terrible with favorites!!!)

Blog Every Day in May - Day 14

Challenge Day 14: Ten things that make you really happy

I'm not going to take up a spot on my list for it, but I am crazy proud that I have kept this up so far! 14 days in and I've blogged and posted every day - with the right prompt on the right day and everything! I can't even believe I've gotten this far with everything else going on! Go Me!

1. My faith - my faith gives my joy in all circumstances - I may not be happy in every moment, but I can always have joy in my spirit!
2. My family - immediate and extended - just look at these guys! How could these faces not make your heart smile! 
3. My friends - near and far/old and new - I'm really seeing the blessing of friendship in my life this year and it makes me happy to cultivate these relationships (although I could be doing more to foster these relationships and I need to make them more of a priority going forward!)
4. My health (and my families) - sure - I'm dealing with blood pressure issues and it's annoying and inconvenient, but Noah is doing great and overall my family and I are so blessed and amazingly healthy! Praise the Lord! 
5. Lemonade Dreamsicles - there is a local ice cream shop that makes these delicious milkshakes with lemonade sherbet and vanilla ice cream and I'm not sure what else, but they ae fantastic and always make me grin!
6. Chocolate - no explanation needed!
7. Bubble baths with books/blogs to read - again, no explanation needed!
8. Sunshine - this desert girl was going crazy this winter, back home you can be outside most of the year  and I missed that desperately during this never-ending winter!
9. Dr. Pepper 10 - J recommended it and I was like eww Diet Dr. Pepper is gross, but this stuff is pretty darn yummy and feels likes treat without actually being that bad!
10. Project Life and blogging - I haven't gotten that far with either one, but I love that I now have two systems to document our lives and preserve our memories! Between hormones and lack of sleep and all of that, my memory is seriously lacking these days and it will be so great to be able to look back in multiple places and see what we were going and how it felt, etc! And that makes me super happy!

Oh, and how cute is this?!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 13

Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.

I want to apologize to my boys - I want to tell you both that I'm sorry that I failed you as a mommy before you were ever even born - I'm sorry that my body betrayed you, Owen, with gestational diabetes and now you, Noah, with gestational hypertension. I'm sorry that I put you both in danger when it is my job to provide you with a safe home to grow and develop. Mommy is so sorry she couldn't provide a better first home for you!

Owen, I'm sorry that I have been and am going to have to continue to be such a crummy mom! I'm sorry that we sit on couch watching TV and cartoons most of the day - when we should be running and playing and learning! I should be taking you to the zoo and parks and soaking up these last weeks with just the two of us and mommy just can't because it seems like everything we try to do is making my blood pressure worse and that's not okay either. I was so looking forward to all the things that you and I could do as the weather warmed and we waited for your brother and I'm so sorry that instead you have a mommy who can't chase or carry you and who sits around so much! Thank you my sweet boy for being so loving and understanding as we've had to deal with hospital visits, so many doctor's appointments, and far too much couch time! I love you so much, buddy, and I'll make it up to you when Noah is here and we will all have so much fun together! I know we have a lot of changes in store, but I know we can get through this together and everything will be okay in the end!

Blog Every Day in May - Day 12

Challenge Day 12: What do you miss

I could go deep with this one and talk about how much I miss my Grandma Joan - who is my only family member who has died - and I am still surprised years later by the waves of sadness and how much I can miss her on certain occasions - especially when I think of how she wasn't there to see me get married or to meet my babies. Or I could talk about how much I miss all of my living family back in the desert - because that is a more regular ache - but instead we are going to stick a little closer to home. 

Right now, what I absolutely miss the most is the ability to keep up with Owen. The OB didn't give me any restrictions when I left the hospital, but I'm still trying to take it easy to help control my blood pressure and even beyond that, I am just wearing out so easily at this point in my pregnancy! Plus, even when I have some get-up-and-go - it is amazing the effort it takes at this point to actually get up and go! Just the act of getting up from the couch/chair/bed or trying to get myself situated or doing pretty much anything - is exhausting and hard. Let alone, trying to chase the kid around the park!
I'm really wondering how I'm going to pull this off for another 2-4 weeks! 

I miss being able to control my body and move with ease! I "got" to spend 4 hours in the hospital again yesterday being monitored (that's twice in the hospital in 3 days!) after I tripped and landed right on my belly on a piece of playground equipment! Err! I hit 35 weeks tomorrow and as much as I know that Noah needs to keep cooking - and I remember how much I physically missed Owen after he was born and how far away he felt even in my arms - I really miss my body being my body (which it sorta still isn't while nursing - but still more my own than it is now!) How about you? Anyone else out there feeling the same way in those last weeks of pregnancy?