Begin

Everyone keeps talking about their word of the year and I've never really done one before, but this year I kept getting this nagging feeling that I should choose one. Yet, God and I have a relationship where I just know that if I choose this word of the year like peace or patience - I'm just asking for a trying year. So, I struggled with choosing something that will in fact push me to grow and will open doors to let God do His work in me, but won't be asking for frustrations and difficulties or more pressure than I'm looking to take on. I'm not so good with the letting go and just trusting - but anyway. (I even try to tell God how to take care of me - talk about foolish and limiting!)

Anyway, I am a girl of many ambitions, I want to do this whole blogging thing, I want to do toddler preschool with Owen, I want to have a home management plan that I stick to and take care of my home, I want to start doing some sewing and knitting projects that turn out decently. I want to actually learn how to use the big girl camera - that my hubby so lovingly gifted me with for Christmas, even though it was way outside of our gift budget (and, speaking of budgets, I really want to stick to one and get some debt paid off this year!). I want to take care of my inside and my outside babies and I want them to know how phenomenally loved they are - by me and by God. I want to do more, watch less tv, and to grow into a better wife and mommy than I was last year - and to start working to be a much "smaller" me come July!

So, here's the thing - none of these are new goals or resolutions or ideas. They've all been nagging at me for quite a while - but this girl, this one, here - she's a perfectionist and a procrastinator - and she reallly, really needed that post. It's always been easier to just label myself as lazy - to just put it off, shut it down, and do nothing - but it really isn't as simple as all that and there is no way that I could have put it as well as Adriel. I have this drive to do things everything perfectly and I somehow convinced myself that once I was a stay-at-home-mom that I would have plenty of time to do things the way I want them to be done. HA! This kid of mine, doesn't think that most of the things on my priority list matter much and he'd much rather have my attention all to himself and recently as we have more fully entered toddlerhood - he's finding ways to demand that undivided attention if I don't provide it - like making "bi, bi, bi, bi meh"es (big, big, big, big messes for those who don't speak toddler) or grabbing me and tugging or screaming - oh the screaming! But, I digress, the more time thing...not so much. But, that's just another excuse - in reality - I'm scared. Scared of failing, of not being good enough, of not doing enough - I'm scared that I really will try and it won't matter, so I just don't. Or I wait until the last possible minute before I have to do something, so that when it isn't as nicely done as I'd like I have the excuse (even if for no one but myself) that I did it last minute and didn't have time to do a better job.

This leaves me in a place where I am facing a laundry list of goals and plans - none of which I've really done before. I don't know how to do them right perfectly. Yet, here's the thing, if I don't start where I am, then I am paralyzed. I'm stuck in this place where anything less than perfect equals failure - so I never start - yet then I feel like a failure anyway since you can't find success in something you never start. So, this year my word is "begin" and to me that means really giving things a go. It means knowing that I won't do things perfectly the first time for a while, but I will be making strides towards reaching them. Instead of allowing myself to become overwhelmed by the enormity of my ambition - I need to allow myself to find success in the process.

I need to be willing to accept the grace provided to me by God and others and I need to apply a little of that grace I'm willing to give others to myself. How can I expect that Owen or J will ever feel as though they can accept grace from me or that they can meet my expectations - if I don't allow that margin for myself. How can they feel successful if they know that I have perfect expectations of myself - yet lower those expectations for them to allow them to be human. It seems like such a haughty perspective - to believe that I should be able to be capable of the perfection that can only be found in the Lord - to believe that I alone should be held to these standards. Which, of course, it is not my intention - or I believe the intention of most perfectionists - to ever indicate that I believe that I am better than others. It is just a serious struggle for me to believe that it is okay, that I am okay, that's the funny thing about prideful actions, they're often very closely tied to significant insecurities. I have no trouble loving others as they are, but loving myself as I am - a lot harder, and that's not what I want for my children. Yes, I want them to freely and fully love others, but I want them to love themselves as well, just as they are, not when and if they reach some new pinnacle.

So, here I begin... I begin loving myself - just as I am - not when I reach some goal. And I am ready to begin taking steps - moving towards who and what and where I want to be - I may not get there today, or even tomorrow - but I'll get there a lot sooner than if I never start! So, here's to 2013 the year of beginnings! The beginning of a family of 4 - the beginning of a new life - the beginning of a new me - letting go of the old - letting go of the fear - and letting go of the pursuit of perfection.