Anyway, the first thing making me uncomfortable is this kid in my belly! J/k (but not really) - he is significantly hampering my physical comfort, but for the sake of this post, I'm going a different direction.
The thing that makes me most uncomfortable in life is putting myself out there when I'm not exactly sure of other's expectations of me. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser, it is really hard for me to not know exactly what is expected of me. I like clearly defined roles that I can fill and that I can succeed in. There are no assigned roles in friendships or in blogging - there isn't a parent or teacher or pastor or husband or child to tell me who I am supposed to be or how to act or what is "expected" of me - the freedom is intimidating (this is a big part of why I decided to start blogging - to push myself out of that comfort zone). This year I have really been trying to be okay with being uncomfortable and being myself in all situations, whether or not, who I am is who people want me to be. That may mean that I lose a few friends, but hopefully it will mean that the relationships that do develop and grow will be much better than the ones I had before - since they will be more sincere! Sadly, this fear of being uncomfortable and not pleasing others often makes it really hard to make new friends and I know that it takes a long time for this introvert to come out of her shell - so that others can really get to know me. Once I know you, I'm pretty open and I'm honest to a fault - but until you know me well, you really don't know me at all - and that's a hard spot to be in as a new friend. I often find that people judge me or think that I'm mean or don't want to get to know them or that I think I am better than other people - none of which are true. I'm really just petrified of rejection - and that means that I shut down.
I'm even that way with my own family - none of them know about this blog - none of my friends know about it - and I'm actually really scared of any of them finding out about it and judging me! I know that I want to put myself out there - I know I want to work to develop my voice and share my story - but I also know that it and I are not perfect - that I don't and won't always express myself just how I'd like - that feeling of discomfort - it means I'm growing and growing pains are always worth it in the end!
