Kihs...sih?

A few weeks ago at bedtime, J called to say goodnight and of course O got all excited thinking daddy was coming, but after a little reminder that daddy had to work and sleep at the hospital today Owen responded "kihs" (kids) and I said “yea daddy has to help the kids” and he said "sih" because we generally tell him that daddy has to help the sick kids I agreed that yes daddy has to help the sick kids and he immediately calmed down said hi and bye kissed the phone and was ready to go to sleep - and it broke my heart, just a little bit.

"Night-night, daddy" - waving at the phone

Here's the thing, and I acknowledge that what I'm about to admit makes me officially the WORST human being alive, but sometimes I find it hard to be quite as understanding and compassionate as my son- sometimes I resent J's job and the time it takes from our family and then - then I remember that essentially I'm resenting kids for being sick enough to need surgery - and bam, there I am "worst person in the world" territory. Yet, even though I know in my head how vital it is that J is available for his patients, my selfishness and jealousy still seem to rear their ugly heads – especially when I'm tired and cranky or sick or it's just too many days in a row of practically every other day call - or when J goes in anyway even though he is off because there is a complicated case that one of the research fellows can't do. Then, I find myself frustrated and angry that it's always all about work (J does care about his patients, but I know he loves us and doesn't have things out of balance) It’s just hard. The thing is – in his job – his time, his knowledge, his ability, his presence – it can be the difference between life and death, and how do you compete with that.

My cranky, lazy pregnant butt that doesn’t want to get up and cook dinner or that wants a break from chasing the toddler around – that doesn’t beat out the panicked parent waiting to hear how their preemie is doing on ECMO or how their 6 year old did in surgery, etc. J spends all day every day in the world of most parent’s worst nightmares – and he is one of the people working to make it a little less of a nightmare – and that is amazing…and it takes a tremendous amount of strength that I know that I don’t have. Yet, my selfish heart struggles with daddy not being home for dinner, or feeling lonely. I know that the way I feel is a natural human response. I married a man that I wanted to spend my life with -- and a lot of that life is spent without him. It just looks exceedingly more selfish when what is taking him away is soo selfLESS. I mean, if he was off being a lawyer for some sleazy client and worked these hours, no one would question my struggle with being sweet and understanding about it – but that’s not who or where we are.

God is guiding me, teaching me, leading me. He is letting me know that HE is always here and I can always rely on Him. Because let’s be honest, there are kids and families out there that just plain NEED J more than we do and that will always be the case. Their needs have to come before my wants. I’m not saying this to be a martyr or complain – it just is, and I’m trying to grow through it and remind myself that while it is hard – it is his ministry to serve these families in need and it is my ministry to support him in that and to raise these boys of ours to know what an amazing man their father is – to teach them to look up to him and aspire to be like him – and I can’t do that if I’m pouting and complaining that other wives get to spend more time with their hubbies. I can’t do that if I’m mad at him for going back in to help someone who needs it. I, just plain, can’t do that without God, because without God, it is natural and easy to grumble and complain and believe that everyone else has it better, but to be honest – we have it pretty gosh darn amazing right here! We are beyond phenomenally blessed – with health and love and safety and pretty much everything that we could want and definitely everything that we need.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the eyes of a child (my child) that caring for others it what it’s all about – that loving J means supporting him fully without complaint – that You have called us to such a time as this and that I need to rise to the occasion rather than allow the devil to bind me with his lies that I “deserve” more or different. Because the wages of sin are death – so that is what my sinful, selfish heart deserves – but instead I’m blessed with an amazing husband who would do anything for me, an equally awesome son who amazes me each and every day, another on the way who is sure to rock my socks off too, and more blessings than I can count. Thank you, Lord!