It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Lost and found

Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself? Just a little bit? With an energetic toddler and a newborn in the house -  who I am and who I want to be often seems to get lost in the shuffle - the shuffle of nursing and potty training and runny noses. You find your identity through them and with them and in spite of them in all the best and the worst ways.

Today is my birthday and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea how old I am turning - sure when I take the time to do the math - I will find that I am now 27 - but I'm really not sure how that has happened, how I am ten years out from the girl entering her senior year if high school - about to embark into worlds she had never known. The last age I remember turning was 25 - and I remember being disappointed that my "golden" birthday (25 on the 25th) wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I'm sure that J made the next better as he knew that I had been hurt, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the love that was shown on each of those days, but my life is such that I have no recollection of those days - or why I was hurt or happy - I am no longer the priority - I have no grand plans for what I should have for myself - and you know what - it's supposed to be that way. 

These are the years of babies who need me to be their everything - these are the years that I'm building their identities and showing them who they should be - and if who I am has to be on hold for a little while so that I can do that - then that is fine with me.  I'm not using it as a cop-out or an excuse not to better myself or grow - I am working to better myself and to grow, but I'm working to be better for them rather than for me. I'm reading up on parenting and spirited children and personalities and raising boys and I'm trying to study and grow in the Lord to be a better mother. Not to compete in a Pinterest world, but to provide them with memories that will last a lifetime - to be a better example of a woman of God (so that they know what to look for in a girlfriend and a wife), to be a light so that they will see and know God's love through me. 

I want them to see themselves through His eyes and to grow to be men after His heart - and in order to do that - as there is only so little time in a day, in a childhood, and in a lifetime - who I was has to be abandoned - who I used to be has been lost, but who I am becoming - the me I am finding as I travel through the fog of too little sleep, too many dirty diapers, and just enough grace - is who I believe I was always meant to be. It is only through losing yourself and letting go of the reins that you will find who He has always hoped you will be. And she might not be someone you recognize in the mirror, but in your heart you will find that as you become their shelter - you have found your way home. 

Operation 9 Month Off - Week 3-5

Err, take 3 - I've started this post two other times, but with running off to care for babes - it's disappeared twice since I didn't save it! Anyway...I better get it done, so that I can link up with

How did I do this week: (eek - the last 3 weeks!)

Anyone want to guess why I've been AWOL the last three weeks? No, no, I'm not pregnant again...we need to give this body a little more recovery time than that! I have just completely falled off the wagon - I stopped charting my foods, I ate far too many ice cream sodas, and I didn't make exercise or even being active a priority! Err, I'm soo mad at myself - because I actually got down to 183 - which was 2 pounds below my pre-Noah weight and now I'm back up to 187! I decided it's really time to take things seriously - it's time to post real numbers and get real with my fitness journey! This isn't just about losing weight! It is about being a good example for my boys, it's about being healthy for another pregnancy in the future, it's about living better and longer with my family! So, I found a few weight loss link-ups that I plan to join in on, and on Monday I (& J) signed up for WW online. I want to lose a lot of weight and I want to lose it quickly, but I don't want to hurt my ability to nurse Noah, or to limit his nutrition or calories in any way. My issue has always been motivation and sticking to it - but I need to be motivated to be healthier for my kids - to not be the tired mom! If I am going to stick with this as I lifestyle, then I need the flexibility of something like Weight Watchers to let me have my "cheat day" while not blowing the whole diet! It doesn't do me any good to lose ten pounds only to gain it back over and over because I wasn't drinking enough water or I wasn't eating enough, etc. I really like how the new plan gives you lots of healthy options for 0 points (like the banana I just had). I did Weight Watchers in college when I was at my lowest weight (128) and it was a lifestyle that I could stick with and it was easy - but over time I slowly shifted out of that lifestyle - so I'm hoping getting back into it I can go back to the old habits that I used to have and create a new lifestyle - rather than the calorie counting that I've been doing and constant analysis of everything. As I remember, you get to the point where you know how many points most of your favorite foods are - which makes things easy! I really want this to be easy - and I'm coming to the realization - that it's just not. We've hit the 3 month mark - so if I want to hit my goals by Noah's first birthday then the 9 month countdown is officially ON! It's time to make this happen! Hopefully, finding a few friends along the way will help me stick to it!

Measurements (starting points in italics): 

• Waist (smallest point): 35" (35")
• Hips (largest point): 45" (45")
• Arms: 12" (12")
• Thighs: 28" (28")
• Chest: 40" (40")
• Weight: 187.3 (189.9)

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

• Reach 0 point ( 185 - post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done - DONE
• -5 pounds: Massage
• -10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure
• -20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 
• -30 pounds: Haircut/color
• -40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 
• -50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!)

Want to do this together and help encourage one another and keep each other on track?? I'd love a partner, or several, in this! Let me know! I'm on Weight Watchers and myfitnesspal and fitbit and twitter - join me! Email or comment with your usernames and I'll friend you!

Happy Labor Day

Well, here we are - yet another holiday home alone with the kids - and I'm sure we're not the only ones - but just for fun let's discuss how we got here...

The week before last was rough...J worked late Thursday getting home around 9 then Friday he got stuck on another case and got home just after 8 - then he was on call Saturday worked regular days getting home between 5-6 Monday and Tuesday then call again Wednesday - and we were SOO looking forward to post-call Thursday and J had taken Friday off - so J was going to have 5 days off in a row - and we needed it after the last week! 

Then - guess what?! - an email went out Wednesday afternoon saying that - due to some scheduling snafus - the "junior" fellow needed backup support and wasn't ready to work completely alone and there was a big case Friday that need a more senior fellow - so the guy post-call would need to stay and do it...the wording of the email didn't exactly ask J to come in, but it sort of made it clear that he was really needed! So, of course, since we weren't planning on leaving town, we decided that J should go in to help and be available as backup for the weekend. 

We offered for him to work Friday so the post-call fellow could go home - then, and I'm not sure how this happened in the conversation, but the schedule for the whole weekend was reworked and J ended up on call today. Whatever, stinks, but we are used to it, not that big of a deal, and we were promised a different long weekend for helping out - great! 

So, we were a little bummed, but we had a normal weekend and J kissed me goodbye and was off to work this morning like normal and I went back to sleep - only unlike normal - this morning I got a call at 5:40 - J had stopped at 7-11 for an energy drink and the car key had broken off in the door! Are you kidding me? So, he needed me to come get him and bring him to work - now this was no easy feat with a two year old and a three month old. 

I lumbered out of bed and got dressed - changed diapers and dressed the boys and headed out. By the time we got to daddy at about 6 - both boys were thoroughly awake and crying. Then Noah decided he was hungry and proceeded to cry the entire 20 minute drive to take daddy to work - we were able to nurse in the parking garage before heading home - so Noah fell asleep full and happy, but by that point there was no getting Owen back to sleep. Now, here we are 3 hours later - on the day that feels like it may never end - and naptime just may happen by 10am - although Noah has been asleep for two hours - so I'm sure he'll be up as soon as Owen is down - no naps for Mama! It's going to be a couple of cups of coffee morning!

Such is life as a doctor's wife - hope everyone else is having a better holiday than I am! With or without your other halves!

Operation 9 Months Off - Week 2

Well, it's been another week since I shared my weight loss goals and plan - let's see how I did!

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

Reach 0 point (post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done

-5 pounds: Massage

-10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure

-20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 

-30 pounds: Haircut/color

-40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 

-50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!) 

How did I do this week:

It was another crummy week for activity and calories! It rained 3 days and we all came down with colds and I could probably come up with a few more excuses to ;) - but anyway - didn't do too well, although it could have been worse!

Activity Goals: 

1. Workout/video 3x/wk - FAIL - one workout 

2.  Run/walk 3x/wk - FAIL - one 7 mile walk - better than nothing, but still a fail

3. Stay under calorie goal 6x/wk FAIL - I went over calories 3 days this week, not much, but still

4. Reach 10,000 steps 4x/wk FAIL - 1/4 days

5. Reach 10 flights of stairs every day -  FAIL - 2/7 days

6. Drink 100oz of water/day - FAIL - 1/7 days - once you get out of the habit it's hard to get back! 

Measurements (starting points in italics): 

Waist (smallest point): 34" (35")

Hips (largest point): 45" (45")

Arms: 12" (12")

Thighs: 28" - changed position to measure this is the new starting point

Chest: 40" (40")

Weight: +3.8 (+4.9lb) - down 5.9 from post-vacation weight

Since, I went from no workouts and no runs/walks to one of each this week, maybe next week I'll pull off two of each?? I was really hoping that posting here was going to keep me accountable and help me to do better sticking with this, but I don't seem to be doing too well so far! I really want to make healthy habits, but I'm pretty stuck in my old unhealthy ones and I've been really good at finding excuses for why I can't do things and why I need crummy snacks! (Like it rained 3 days this week so I couldn't exercise and we all got crummy colds - although I could have figured something out if I made it a priority!) Thankfully, the weight gain last week was really vacation bloat and I'm down a little from the week before!!! It looks like I have found the right calorie intake to lose weight slowly and still maintain my milk supply - yay! I'm still hovering at the same weight I've been at for two months now though, and it's super frustrating! Anyone else in the same boat? Want to do this together and help encourage one another and keep each other on track?? I'd love a partner, or several, in this! Let me know!

Operation 9 Months Off - Week 1

Well, it's been one week since I shared where I am starting out postpartum and my goals for where I want to end up by next here - let's see how I did! 

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

Reach 0 point (post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done

-5 pounds: Massage

-10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure

-20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 

-30 pounds: Haircut/color

-40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 

-50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!) 

How did I do this week:

Overall, not well at all! We left Wednesday morning when J was post-call to head up north to J's parent's house - then Thursday morning we ventured even further north to visit a lake and spend the weekend fishing and enjoying family cabin time for Owen's birthday! It was a great time, but long road trips don't really facilitate exercise or sticking to calorie goals (we decided to cheat and not count car snacks - because they are a necessity!) 

Activity Goals: 

1. Workout/video 3x/wk - FAIL - didn't do this a single time :(

2.  Run/walk 3x/wk - FAIL - didn't run a single time either

3. Stay under calorie goal 6x/wk PASS (sorta) - I was 350 calories over one day this week and under 6 days (except for car snacks one other day, but those don't count, right?!)

4. Reach 10,000 steps 4x/wk FAIL - 1/4 days

5. Reach 10 flights of stairs every day -  FAIL - 4/7 days

6. Drink 100oz of water/day - FAIL - 2/7 days - although 6 days I had over 48 oz which is fitbit's water goal

Measurements: 

Waist (smallest point): 35" - +1/2in

Hips (largest point): 45" - +1/2in

Arms: 12" - same 

Thighs: 25" - same 

Chest: 41" - +1in

Weight: +9.7lb (54.7lbs from goal weight) - up 5 pounds since last week

Eek! Well, that's definitely not the direction that I wanted to see any of those numbers going - but it is reality and sometimes that happens as you figure this stuff out. All of these numbers were taken at 8 in the evening after eating and drinking all day - immediately after getting home from our lake trip - so I'm hoping the numbers are negatively inflated from travel and they'll be balanced back out by next week after a few normal days back at home with normal water intake and sleep, etc. 

xxfingers crossedxx that vacation bloat is all that this weight gain is - because even though my activity level was a little low (combined 20 hours in the car over 5 days) - and my water intake was low without my brita (relying on purchased water bottles in limited supply) - my calorie intake truly wasn't that bad! We'll see, after next week it may be time to pull out the big guns and sign up for weight watchers!

50 things

A few weeks ago on one of my jags of blog reading in the middle of the night I saw this post by Emily from Be Blessed Y'all and I thought it would be super fun! But it took me a while to get it all finished, so anyway, here you go:

50 Things You Probably Never Wanted to Know About Me... 

1. Do you like blue cheese? Not particularly, but I don't hate it either
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Unfortunately, yes - I smoked fairly regularly from my senior year of high school - through college - mostly when socializing, but also alone as well - however, I never really got addicted like so many people do, and when I decided to stop - I just stopped - so I definitely praise the Lord for that! I know for many, many people (my brother included) it is not such an easy habit to break (although my brother did quit - yay - I just know it was very difficult)!
3.Do you own a gun? While I fully support the right to bear arms, and might someday want a gun for family protection - it just really scares me to have a gun in the house with small children - you hear too many horror stories of things going wrong when a child finds a gun.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Diet Coke with a little bit of regular cherry syrup - not the diet cherry - eww - and not just the amount they put in there on their own - that is overwhelmingly cherry-y
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not really, although once these blood pressure issues started in my pregnancy with Noah and I kept getting sent over to labor and delivery for monitoring - I began to feel a little anxiety before my appointments!
6. Do you like hot-dogs? Yep, yummy - especially Costco hot dogs!
7. Favorite iPhone app? My new favorite is the SimplyUs app - it is an app that J and I both have that combines our calendars, has a shared to-do list and grocery list, and a chat feature. It is super cool to both have the shopping list at all times and to immediately know when something gets added to the calendar! Although the apps that eat up the most of my time are spider solitaire, facebook, instagram, and the Simpsons game - which are all great ways to waste time while nursing a newborn for hours each day! Oh, and Minion Rush :)
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Prefer? Well, if calories didn't exist let's go with milkshakes, java chip frappuccinos, and carmel macchiatos in the summer and hot chocolate and vanilla or peppermint mochas all winter! That said,  in the mornings, I prefer to drink either k-cup coffee with flavored creamer and sweet n' low or Diet Coke. :( - boo for drinks having a million calories!
9. Can you do push-ups? Nope, but I'm getting better - I can do about 10-15 girly ones in a row now and a few weeks ago I could barely do 2 girly ones
10. What’s your favorite meal? Mexican Stroganoff! Mmm, mmm, good! Dang it, now I want some!
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding rings - but after that my origami owl locket - it has each of the boys birthstones and other little charms that are special to me and represent faith, love, and family!
12. Favorite hobby? Umm, what's a hobby? I'd really love to get back into reading and to devote more time to blogging, scrapbooking/Project Life, and crafting -- but time is elusive. Oh and photography too..man, do I miss hobbies!
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Well, since my current job is momma to a toddler and a newborn and wife to Dr. J - I think I'm about as close as it gets 
14. Name a trait that you hate about yourself? I'm lazy
15. Middle name? Anne 
16. Name 3 thoughts at this moment: I should be sleeping, why can't I sleep when J is on call, if I'm not going to sleep there are many more important things I should be doing rather than this silly survey!
17. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: a frame, modge podge, fried chicken
18. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: Diet Coke, Iced Carmel Macchiato, and Dr. Pepper Ten (and water, but that doesn't count)
19. Current worry right now? That I won't be able to lose the weight 
20. Current hate right now? How fast time is passing
21. Favorite place to be? Anywhere with all my boys - scratch that, anywhere but the hospital with all of my boys - that wasn't much fun
22. How did you bring in New Years? Driving home from J's parents after Christmas 2
23. Favorite place to go? Home, always home
24. What is your most recurring dream? Don't remember many dreams, but during both pregnancies I had dreams about my teeth falling out - its supposed to mean that you are worried how you look or how you will perform in a new role...
25. Introvert or extrovert? Introvert - I can force myself out of it and I can be a leader and be social and all of that, but I draw my energy from alone time and small group or one-on-one connections. Large crowds exhaust me and give me stress - I'm seeing these same tendencies in Owen, he is not a fan of a crowd  and often prefers playing alone or with me or in a small group rather than a crazy playdate with tons of kids
26. What color shirt are you wearing? Gray, with pink/red flowers
27. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope, slippery and sweaty - eww
28. Can you whistle? Sorta-kinda, not well
29. Favorite color? Blue - all shades
30. Would you be a pirate? We are the pirates who don't do anything...if Larry can do it so can I....please tell me somebody gets this reference?! .... No, just me, I'm the only nerd?
31. What songs do you sing in the shower? I have a two year old and two month old...my showers are not long enough to sing, and if the were it would probably be Old McDonald had a Farm or a the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse songs. 
32. Favorite girl’s name? Rosalyn - but J doesn't like it 
33. Favorite boy’s name? That's not fair - I have 3 boys! Umm, going with a name that I love but can't use for any of my own (because it's taken by BIL): Joshua - always wanted to name a boy Joshua - love the name and the man in the Bible (anyone else feel like calling them Bible characters makes it seem like we are calling the Bible fiction rather than history...maybe Bible figure? Not sure...)
34. Who is your loudest friend? My brother 
35. What’s in your pocket right now? No pockets - but earlier today - two pacifiers (big and little), a package of fruit snacks, my phone, and my keys
36.  Last thing that made you laugh? Owen - he makes me laugh all day every day
37. Bed sheets as a child? I had these pink striped sheets and comforter that looked like there was a dog laying on the bed on one side of the comforter and a cat laying on the bed on the other side - I loved them - there was also a fuzzy tan, pink, and blue blanket that my brother and I fought over as adults both claiming as our own (I won - it's currently in my linen closet, and I might have a pillowcase from that pink set somewhere too - I promise I'm not a hoarder - just sentimental)
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Hmm, I've had to have stitches a few times and been in a few car accidents that sent me to the chiropractor, but overall I have been very, very blessed with safety and haven't really had any major injuries! Praise The Lord! 
39. Do you love where you live? Yea, I actually do - it took a while to feel like home, but now I love it here and I'll miss it when we leave
40. How many TVs are in your house? 2 - living room and master bedroom
41. What is your worst habit? Putting things off until the last minute
42. How many dogs do you have? 2 - Kailey and Wyatt
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Well, I'm pretty sure J has more than a crush on me, so probably no crushes...
44. Do you own slippers? Yep, SpongeBob slippers and slipper socks
45. What is your favorite childrens book? Oooh, that's too hard - way too many: The Giving Tree, Where the Sidewalk Ends, Oh the Thinks that you Can Think, A Little Princess, Goodnight Moon, anything Sandra Boynton - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera 
46. What is your favorite candy? Caramello - hands down, but I also love Hershey's cookies and creme and their old mint and cookie candy bar was amazing - they should bring that back! (LOL, there is even a Facebook page about that candy bar)
47. What is your favorite sports team? Umm, uhh...whatever team J is cheering for ;)
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Don't really care - I'm big on believing that the funeral is for the living - whatever my loved ones want to say/do/play/feel - it's up to them to remember me however best helps them cope and grieve - I'm going to be in heaven at that point, so I don't feel the need to dictate their goodbyes 
49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Feeding the babe and watching Food Network
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? Is it really already morning?!

That was fun and now you know a little more about me - if you join in or have a similar get to know you post, comment with a link, so I can come by and get to know a little more about you!

Noah's arrival - Part 3 - Postpartum

Both boys minutes after birth

Once Noah had entered the world, I expected everything to immediately return to normal, but things didn't exactly work that way. Noah was placed on my chest and after a few minutes was weighed and measured and all of that - since he was so big (9lb8oz @ 37w2d) they were a little extra concerned about him. I got about a million stitches while he was checked out. When they put him back on my chest, he was a little lazy at first and wasn't really latching on and I felt guilty thinking he was that way because I had taken the Stadol. His blood sugar was a little low, as was his body temperature. Not enough to take him to the NICU, but enough that the nurses were really pushy - they let us try to nurse for about an hour and started really pushing a bottle of formula - we requested a cup to supplement with like we had used with Noah - and they sent for lactation - and the first LC who came was way less than helpful. Noah continued to be lazy and his blood sugar dropped more, so I relented and let the pushy nurse give Jason a bottle a formula to feed him as he really hadn't eaten at all in the first few hours. They also made us keep him under the warmer's for what seemed like forever.

While I had been on the Stadol and was all loopy and confused - my MIL, D, had arrived in town and picked up Owen from L's house where J had dropped him off that morning. J let her (and everyone else) know that Noah was here - and told them (D and Owen) that they could come after we were moved to the recovery room in a few hours. Because of the blood sugar and body temp issues we stayed in the delivery room a little longer than usual, but eventually they bathed Noah, got him warmed up again, and moved us over to the other room (they didn't have warmers in the recovery rooms - so that was why we couldn't leave). 

We moved over to recovery and my blood pressure stayed high, but got a little better and after 24 hours - we were getting a little better at nursing, blood sugars and temps were stabilized, and Noah was looking pretty good - except for the fact that he was very bruised - his nose and cheeks and all along the backs of his forearms. He looked like a little boxer and as time passed he was getting a little jaundiced. J stayed in the hospital with us while D was at home with Owen - and each morning J went home to take Owen to his swim lessons, so he wouldn't miss out and end up behind. (Those lessons were amazing, but that's another post). Then, Owen would go home and nap with "Gramps" as he liked to call her - and J would come back to me - then later D would bring Owen to the hospital for dinner and a visit each day. 

Owen was not really a fan of his baby brother at first, hated being in my hospital room, and didn't want Noah anywhere near him. He just wanted to walk the halls and leave with grandma - it sort of broke my heart! But, each day he did get a little better and would let Noah a little closer to him and spent some time cuddled up with me. 

After 24 hours they took me off of the mag, but my blood pressure didn't normalize like it should have and they continued my meds from pregnancy and increased the dose. But my BP kept rising, so they started my on a second med on day 2pp and I had to stay another night :( - by day three my BP was still super high, but the doc on call agreed to increase my dose and let us go home and monitor my BP at home! Yay! 3 days in the hospital is way too long! We were finally home Saturday afternoon and able to start adjusting as a family - and have Noah's newborn pictures taken on Sunday. Within, a few days at home, Owen was very protective of Noah and always wanted to know where he was and hold him - so I was happy to know that most of his difficulty was with the hospital and not with me or his brother.  

I had a check up about a week pp and my blood pressure was normal on meds, but my doc kept me on them, but said to continue checking at home and after another week I was off of both meds as my BP started getting low! Yay! I went for another check after a week off meds and BP was normal - and it was still normal at my 6 week check! Yay! Although, Owen was a little traumatized by all of this and gets berry upset when my blood pressure is checked now - he's a smart cookie and knows that when they checked momma she went away and slept at the hospital and he did not like that! 

After discharge, Noah had to go back after 24hrs for a jaundice check and his levels were even higher so we had to go in Monday for another check - then we got a call that said he had to go the the children's hospital and have him checked again that evening since his levels were even more elevated and that if they hadn't gone down - he would have to be admitted to go under the lights - I was super upset and we prayed like crazy and nursed as much as I could possibly get him too - even more than we had been - which was every two hours since we left the hospital trying to get things back to normal. Evidently, his jaundice was greatly increased by all he bruising from birth. That night we got the hospital and they couldn't find the lab orders from our doc, so we had to wait over an hour as they got a hold of the doc to send new orders - praying and waiting and praying and waiting. They finally brought us back and drew blood - then we waited the next half hour in the can for the results - to find out if he would be admitted or go home - and praise the Lord - we got a call that his bilirubin levels had dropped drastically - way more than could have been expected - and he didn't need to be admitted! We went home and scheduled another check for Wednesday along with his 1wk checkup. He had lost more weight since he left the hospital, but was back over his birth weight and completely over all jaundice issues by his 2 week appointment! 

So, overall, we were very blessed and protected, but it was quite the stressful two weeks while both Noah and I recovered and got healthy! I was so glad that J was able to be home for those two weeks with soo many doctors appointments and the nonstop feeding and feeling crummy from the BP meds (they made me tired and really achey) - then in the middle of that time J's parents came for the weekend and then at the end of J's time off work, my parents came for two weeks. So, our first month together was very full and blessed and passed very quickly! And now, Noah is already two months old and we are finally getting into a new routine an getting back out for playdates and a more normal life. It's amazing how long it really takes to start getting back to normal with two under two (only for a few more days!).

Even though my pregnancy and delivery were not ideal, Noah was and is so completely worth any and all difficulty in getting him here! I thank the Lord every day for both of my amazing boys!

Noah's Arrival - Part 2 - Induction & Delivery

Warning: this is a birth story and does get a little graphic - if that creeps you out - just skip this one - although it does end with this guy! :)

We got a little sleep Monday night and questioned whether this was the beginning stages of labor and whether or not J should go into work Tuesday, but we decided if it was he could always come back home so J went to work and Owen and I had a pretty typical day - although we were fairly housebound other than swim lessons - since I had to, you know, pee in a bucket and store it in the fridge!

J got home fairly early and we had some dinner and family time before we went over to the hospital to drop off my "specimen" at the outpatient lab. Then it was back home, bedtime for Owen, shower for me, and dishes for J. We had only been home for about an hour and a half when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize on the caller id. 

I hopped out of the shower and answered the call that changed everything. It was the doctor on call from my OB practice and she explained to me that what was supposed to happen this evening was that I should have dropped off my urine and waited at the hospital for the results so they could decide whether or not to admit me to induce - only they had forgotten to tell me that part! Turns out the cutoff for protein in your urine to be diagnosed with pre-eclampsia is 300 somethings/something (technical I know) - and my labs came back at 306! So, they were officially diagnosing me with pre-e and I was supposed to get my things together, figure out what to do with Owen, and get into the hospital ASAP to start cervadil that night and begin induction with pitocin in the morning. 

I went downstairs and based on my face J thought I was going to tell him my water had broken, but instead I relayed the doctor's orders and we got to work figuring out what to do and rearranging J's schedule and letting his colleagues know he'd be out for a while. We decided that since O refused to sleep at L's house that we'd bring him to the hospital while I was admitted and then J would go home and sleep with him and bring him over to L's in the morning before things got started. J also called his mom so she could get on a flight first thing in the morning and get O from L's house that afternoon.

J, Owen, and I hung out at the hospital while I was admitted and the cervadil was placed - then it was bedtime. J brought Owen home and I started the night of no sleep that should never precede delivery! Noah and I were on monitors all night with blood pressure checks every half hour. Noah, as he typically did in utero, kept moving like crazy and nurses were in my room every half hour to hour to readjust things because Noah's heart rate wasn't showing up on the monitors and all of this was on top of fairly regular contractions! Err! By 6am, I was glad that it was morning and time to get things started because that meant I was that much closer to getting out of there! (Ha!) 

I was able to get up and remove the cervadil and shower which felt really nice - by the time all the checks and everything were done I was only dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced - which I had been 2cm dilated  and 60% effaced the night before - so it didn't feel too great to hear. They started up the pitocin and upped the dose every hour - and it seemed to me that everything was going horribly slowly - contractions really intensified, so I'm not sure of the timeline from here on out, but I'll record what I do know and remember. After I'd been on the pitocin a while, maybe an hour or so - a nurse came to check my cervix and I was dilated to a 3 or so but shortly after she left I started leaking a little, but I wasn't sure if my water had broken or not. We changed out the bedding and they told me that my water hadn't broken, but I just kept leaking and within about 1/2 an hour it was clear that my water had in fact broken - and my doc came in to check me and break my water just as I was on my way to the bathroom and had a big gush on the floor. Dr. Emily was glad my waters had broken on their own - so we continued on upping pitocin, which was making my contractions really strong, but not very regular - I continued gushing fluid on a regular basis (which I didn't remember happening with Owen) and contractions kept getting stronger and stronger. I bounced on the birthing ball for a while, which helped some, but not significantly.

 I didn't have much range of movement with Noah on the monitors and my blood pressure being taken every 10-30 minutes and the pit and antibiotics (for group B strep) IV - so I couldn't do much else, but after around an hour contractions were getting too intense and I had to lay down again.  My blood pressure also continued to rise and at some point, we started mag - and I was told that I'd have to stay on it for at least 24hrs after his birth. Around this time, I was checked again and I was only dilated between a 5-6 and I was soo discouraged as I was nearing my pain threshold and it seemed I had so far to go and I had planned on doing things as naturally as possible. I denied pain meds, but then after talking with J, we had my Dr. come back and tell me about pain management options - let me tell you, inductions are no joke and are WAY worse than natural labor, at least in my experience. She explained the different IV pain meds and I chose Stadol, because she said that although it took a little longer to work -  it lasted longer. Man oh man, do I wish I hadn't done that! It was horrible! I know everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but I wouldn't recommend that stuff to anyone. It did not lessen my pain AT ALL and it made me feel SO loopy and out of it. For the next hour or so, everything is incredibly blurry and I just remember feeling so much pain and being confused and scared and convinced that I could not do this. Pain kept increasing and I asked for an epidural even though I felt so disappointed in myself and felt like I was failing Noah! The Stadol started wearing off and I felt less loopy, but still in incredible pain and I was starting to feel a lot of pressure to push with my contractions. Dr, Emily agreed that an epidural was a good idea because my blood pressure kept rising and I was in so much pain and putting a lot of stress on both of us - so it was ordered and it seemed like it was taking forever. I kept asking if there would still be time and I was assured that their would be. My doctor was about to go back checking on other patients but the nurses told her I was feeling a little "pushy" so she stuck around and I'm glad she did - because from this point it couldn't have been much more than 10 minutes before Noah was born.

Somewhere in the last hour or so before his birth as all of this was happening, I remember Dr. Emily telling me that Noah's face was turned to the side and she was trying to turn him and I also remember her asking if it was okay if a medical student who was shadowing her watched and I consented (poor girl was probably traumatized - I remember watching her shrink further and further into the corner as everything went down). All of a sudden I felt tremendous pressure and without even trying I was half in the air pushing - I literally couldn't hold him in - everyone rushed into action - my doctor ripping her jacket off and throwing on gloves and nurses holding my legs in the air as the removed the bottom portion of the bed telling me to try not to push - it was a crazy flurry of activity and the memory of it makes me smile and laugh - no one expected things to progress soo quickly at the end - during this whole process the anesthesiologist strolled in amidst all of this activity and me yelling and groaning out during contractions - somewhere in this process I remember being given an oxygen mask and told to breathe deeply - the anesthesia was sent away as he was obviously too late - in a matter of seconds after the first stifled push that brought on the rush to prepare and I was told that I could push if I needed too, and two pushes later - Noah James entered the world - 13:05 - 9lb8oz - 20.25in. Apparently, he turned on his way out and like his brother he had his cord wrapped around his neck. It was funny, how many things were so alike between each birth experience and how many we're different - as I pushed and pushed trying to get Owen out and was yelled at to push harder and Noah - who was much bigger - rocketed his way into the world.

To be continued...

Birth plans...and when things don't happen according to plan

So, birth plans...ha! I laugh in the face of birth plans - or at least my children laugh in my face for thinking I could plan their births.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the idea of birth that I have in my head and how things are supposed to go and how smooth and gentle and natural. How calm - breathing through contractions - pushing and working hard, of course, but still beautiful - and I'm sure highly "hollywoodized." Except, it isn't just Hollywood promoting this beautiful birth picture in my head, that might actually be easier to press aside, it's my dad telling me all these Christian things about how I don't have to feel any pain and how I'm delivered from that and I need to have faith in God and so on and so forth - on one hand I want to say "dude, you are a dude - you aren't allowed to have an opinion here" and on the other it's really hard not to feel like I'm letting him down, like I'm not strong enough or I don't have enough faith to believe for the healing that he so believes for - and there really are women who say that it was all smooth and easy, etc. Then on top of that, you have the idea and fact that my mom had very healthy pregnancies and had both my brother and sister at home with a midwife - so that was my plan and ideal growing up - I was born in the hospital, but that was "due to the midwife rupturing membranes too soon and my parents not listening to the prompting of the Spirit to wait" - I was good with that idea - I was good with childbirth being hard but natural and beautiful and almost spiritual. This is the same ideal promoted by midwives and the "crunchy" and the naturally minded - "women have been doing this on their own in fields for thousands of years and getting up and getting to work...." And so on and so forth.

Yet, things haven't worked out for me that way in the birthing and pregnancy department - you can read/reread Owen's birth story here - things just don't always look the way you see them in your head - and I'm trying to cope with that and my vastly different reality without embracing/claiming it as MY fault or feeling badly about how I'm not strong enough or healthy enough or how I don't have enough faith. I'm really, really struggling with that and how to think about it and what the right perspective should be (although I do think it is a sign of a healthy grip on postpartum emotions that I am able to articulate this struggle). It's just hard when things don't go the way we hope they will - although I need to say that I know how completely and entirely blessed we are that things worked out as well as they did and that we all came out of the experience healthy and strong with no serious problems or issues! I'm working on writing up Noah's birth story and will post part one tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful of this space for the last month - but I've been focusing on my little family and enjoying J's time off (we saved his vacation so he could have 2 weeks off after Noah arrived and it was amazing having him home and then my parents were here for two weeks after that), but now we are starting to get into more of a routine and get the little issues we've head under control, so I should be back here more regularly from now on! Thanks for your congratulations and support and for sticking around while I disappeared for a while!

Operation 9 months OFF!

So, before you have your first baby you are (read "I was") really concerned with losing the weight after baby, but you hear over and over how when you breastfeed the weight will just fall off! Unfortunately, for some people, that just isn't true - and when the weight comes off slowly you hear "it took nine months to put the weight on and it should take nine months to take it off" - but that didn't work out so well last time either.

After I had Owen, I lost 20 pounds within the first month, but then nothing. I gained and lost the same 5 pounds over and over until I got pregnant with Noah (still weighing in 15 pounds above where I was pre-Owen - and pre-Owen I was at the heaviest I had ever been). My body was determined to hold onto the weight while breastfeeding - I counted calories and stayed within my allotments and I exercised a little, but I just didn't lose the weight. And every time I started to cut calories a little more or exercise harder - I saw a significant drop in my milk production, and as I was barely pumping enough at work for Owen's bottles - I just couldn't risk doing anything that might diminish my supply, so I sucked it up and accepted my new weight. 

Then during my pregnancy with Noah, I gained another 35 pounds (the same amount I gained during my first pregnancy) - except this time - that meant I was up 50 pounds from my pre-Owen weight - and up 80 pounds from my goal weight - eek! 

Here I am just before and after Noah was born. 

 the day before I was induced, 2 days postpartum, and 3 days pp.

By the time Noah was 1 month old, I had managed to lose 30 pounds! Woohoo! And we decided to start working out (Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred - and Couch to 5k, C25K) at about 5 weeks pp. We took before pictures and measurements and weight and all that. Ready to go!

Before: 

(sorry, it's not pretty, but I want to be real here and I want to hold myself accountable - because it isn't ok for this to become the new normal!)

July 5th Measurements: 

Waist (smallest point): 35"

Hips (largest point): 45"

Arms: 12"

Thighs: 25"

Chest: 40"

Weight: +4.9lb (49.9lbs from goal weight) 

Now, over the last month, I have been counting calories using the MyFitnessPal app, tracking activity with my Fitbit, and using other apps to track runs/walks. We only managed to do 5 days of the 30 day shred over the last 22 days (haven't quit, just haven't been consistently able to fit it in) - and we've done 2 runs and about 5 walks. I've had a few days that I've gone over my calorie goal, but for the most part I have been consistently under my goal, but with the inconsistent exercise and my hormones, I haven't seen much success, so I knew it was time to put this out here and give myself the kick in the buns to get motivated and to be consistent enough to see the changes I want and need! I don't want to go too crazy because it is my goal to nurse Noah for at least a year (probably longer) but since I'm at home this time and not trying to rely on the pump we should be able to control my supply a little bit better (at least I'm hoping) - but it is already clear that I'm going to have to do a little more this time to make things happen. 

July 27th Measurements: 

Waist (smallest point): 34 1/2"

Hips (largest point): 44 1/2"

Arms: 12"

Thighs: 25"

Chest: 40"

Weight: +4.7lb (49.7lbs from goal weight) 

That's right, in 3 weeks, I only managed to lose .2 pounds and 1/2 an inch in my waist and hips with no changes elsewhere! Boo! In actuality, I have gained and lost the same four pounds about 3 times over the last 3 weeks with my weight ranging from +4lbs to +8lbs. So, I'm currently .7lbs higher than my lowest weight in the last few weeks, but that is a fairly small fluctuation. 

So, here is my current plan - which may change - First, to help myself stay motivated I need to have small reachable goals with tangible (non-food) rewards. 

Reach 0 point (post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done

-5 pounds: Massage

-10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure

-20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 

-30 pounds: Haircut/color

-40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 

-50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!) 

My rewards get bigger/more expensive as we get farther, because I'm assuming it will get increasingly harder to lose the weight as I go, and I need something to look forward to...to help myself keep pushing - in the past I've always given up when I hit a plateau and I don't want to do that again! 

Second, how do I plan to do it: 

Activity Goals: 

1. Workout/video 3x/wk

2.  Run/walk 3x/wk - we just got an awesome double jogger! 

3. Stay under calorie goal 6x/wk (allow one "bad" day but don't go too crazy)

4. Reach 10,000 steps 4x/wk

5. Reach 10 flights of stairs every day

6. Drink 100oz of water/day

I'll update these goals as I make progress to make them harder or easier as needed. I've played with the idea of joining a gym, personal training, heart rate monitor, and/or joining Weight Watchers (how I reached my lowest adult weight) - but as of right now I want to try to do this for free, although I'm willing to invest money into it if I determine that doing it on my own isn't going to work. So, here we go - it took 5 years of teaching and two babies to put this weight on - but this time I'm going to make #operation9monthsoff work. 9 months on - 9 months off - so, I'm giving myself one more month to get the last of the baby 2 weight off and then 9 months to get to my goal weight. That means I should be there by Noah's first birthday! I'm planning on weekly accountability updates to show how I'm doing on my activity goals and to weigh in - we'll see how often I do the full measurements and photo updates, maybe monthly? Hold me to it, friends! It is more than time to make this happen!