the season of goodbyes

I was the person who never knew loss or death or any real tragedy. Into my adulthood, my family remained complete - with rare injuries and sickness - and no needs for any goodbyes.

Then it was my grandma, my dad's mom - who we never expected to say goodbye to. A bladder surgery, followed by complications, followed by what we all thought was Alzheimer's - but now I really think was toxicity from a serious uti/kidney infection - and then she was sick and then she was gone. For the last year or so it was hard. She wasn't the same and would ask questions that showed her mind was years in the past - she knew me but she thought I was in high school rather than college and with the loss of bladder control - the smell of their home was difficult at best. So, we didn't visit as often that year and we said goodbye to the grandma we had known before she was really gone - but then when she went, the pain she felt, the struggle - it was hard - and the unsaid truths lingered - it was hard feeling like we should have done more to get her healthy, but no one had known she was sick. We always said that in the end it would be that way - she was such a servant and the consummate hostess a proverbs 31 example to us all, and a product of the 50s housewife generation - she would never admit that she was hurting or didn't have everything under control - it just wasn't done. In the end, she was surrounded by almost all of her family, praying, laughing, loving, living. This was my first taste of death - my first goodbye - lessened by knowing that she was now in heaven and felt no more pain - but life changing all the same. She was and is missed.

My grandpa - he was never really the same after she left him - and I'm not quite sure he ever really got over it - after all he was always the sick one with open heart surgeries and the rest - he was always supposed to go first - but instead he outlived her by years - his love, his life. He lived with my parents and then on his own, and eventually was sick enough to need to be in a medically supported nursing home. In and out of the hospitals, time and again, the claimed he wouldn't make it time and again - and to be honest we were never quite sure if he wanted to come back to us. My papa - he loved me - he wasn't expressive, he didn't share or talk about life or emotions - but his love for me was palpable. He was proud of me and loved my boys and was in awe of them and their beauty. After Owen was born he told me how proud he was to have a great grandson and Noah just added to his joy. 

In November, my little family ventured to the desert to make some decisions on our house and celebrate thanksgiving with my family. While we were there, we made the trek with my whole family to visit Papa in his "home" (which he called a prison and hated) about 2 hours from where my parents live in the town where my uncle and his family live. Papa was able to meet Noah for the first time and we were able to capture a few beautiful pictures and sort of say our goodbyes - as we didn't imagine that we would all be together again before he passed as we were not expecting to be in the desert again until we move back in July. 

Sure enough, on Christmas Eve as we headed up north to visit J's family, we got a call that my Papa who had been in the hospital with mrsa and pneumonia was being moved to hospice. To say that this put a damper on Christmas would be a bit of an understatement! I spent the next several days "celebrating" with a heavy heart - and by the 26th my MIL had offered to fly the boys and myself back home to say goodbye. I arrived in the desert on the evening of the 27th and my mom and I drove down to the VA the next morning. The nurses said that the babies shouldn't come in, so my parents stayed outside with the boys who were unhappy to see me leave after so much upheaval and constant travel - but eventually calmed with their grandparents. The family had all assembled - uncles and aunts and cousins - all holding vigil each day and night ensuring that he was never alone. They left to give me a moment alone with him - to say my own goodbyes - and everyone went outside to see the boys. I told him I loved him and that I knew it hurt and that it would be okay to let go and say goodbye - that grandma and Jesus were waiting for him - and I thanked him - I thanked him for loving me, for being the man he was, for everything he had done for us all. And within minutes - his breathing calmed and slowed and he was gone - all the while holding my hand. My papa and grandma were both gone - I held his hand for a while longer - having called my dad and telling him I thought it was close - although he didn't seem to believe me. He called back after I tried calling him a few more times, unsure of whether or not he was really gone, I never let go of his hand - not wanting to abandon him in his last moments if he wasn't quite gone - I told my dad that I thought he was gone and in moments the boys (my dad and uncles) had rushed the room - my aunts and cousins with tears in their eyes - and me not quite sure how to feel - and I'm still not - over a month later and I'm still not quite sure. My chest feels tight and swells when I think of it, but I can't really cry - I know his quality of life was less than I'd want for him and I know he's in heaven - what more could I want. Yet still there is an ache - not the ache of the unsaid as I had with my grandma - as I told him all of those things in our last moments alone - the ache is for the man I didn't get to know as fully as I'd like, the stories he'll never tell, for my father - the orphan, for my boys who won't remember their great-grandfather. I miss him - I want him back, but I don't want him to hurt - so I know that goodbye was best. And best that these goodbyes happen while the boys are too young to remember the pain. Yet, I'm struggling - I'm not bouncing back like I feel I should - I'm not sure if it's struggling to deal with the experience of being alone with him when he passed - but I don't think that's it - I think that was okay and I was glad to be that safe place for him to let go. I just...I just hurt - I'm withdrawn after nearly a month away from this place that we currently call home - from the end of October through the beginning of January - the boys and I were away from home for over 5 weeks - followed by our car being rear ended and then colds and terrible weather - we haven't seen our friends in months - we haven't been to playdates or had a routine - and now, the clock is ticking for the next big change and move - and the effort to reconnect only to face more goodbyes in only four months overwhelms me. And now, today we here that J's grandmother was placed on hospice and we must travel again to say our goodbyes and support my MIL as she loses her mother. 

It seems to be the season of goodbyes - and it is not a season I relish. I'm struggling with the change and the finality and the loss. I'm struggling to determine what I should hold onto and what I need to let go. This move back home, one I so looked forward to when we arrived, has now become a source of pain. I have friends and a life here - that I will miss - I don't like goodbyes - I don't like losing - I guess no one does - my heart is heavy for these losses, natural and necessary though as they may be. Pray for us - as we travel again - as we say goodbye again - as we find our way back to normal only to prepare for more changes. Such is life, and I, for one, am grateful to be alive.  

It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Owen - on your second birthday

Owen,

My oldest, my firstborn, the child who made me a mother and taught me all about a new kind of love - you constantly astound me with your strength, your intelligence, your will, but most of all with your heart. Today, you are two years old - you are speaking in sentences that get longer and clearer each day, you love and protect your brother in ways that I couldn't even begin to imagine or hope for before you made them a reality. You are such an amazing little boy, and you are just that, a little boy - each and every day you are less my baby and more boy - and it is breaking my heart into pieces - both with sadness at the loss of the baby that you were and with pride and joy at the boy that you are becoming. My love for you grows each day at a rate that even you can't keep up with - although you are growing far more quickly than I'd like and soon I will no longer be able to fit you neatly in my arms - so I will soak up all the time I can holding you, carrying you, cuddling you, and loving you every way that I know how. 

They say that two is terrible and I've heard tell that three is worse, but I'm not going to accept that for us my dear boy. You are just so sweet and loving and smart - and sure you are testing each and every boundary that you reach, but together we are going to navigate this time successfully and we are going to make sure this time is joyous rather than frustrating. 

So, here is to embracing boyhood and all the messy and sticky and stinky and beautiful bits of it! I can't wait to see what you have in store for me next! 

Love you more than words can say!

Mom

2 years and 2 months: 2 updates

I can't believe I have a two month old and a two YEAR old! It is just absolutely crazy! I have a lovey sappy birthday post I'm working on for Owen that I plan to post next week along with pictures from our celebration this weekend, but I thought I'd do some stats and photos for both boys in one post this month since we're pretty busy around here these days!

I'm taking both boys to the doc for their check-ups on 8/5 - so I'll update with percentiles and exact measurements then inside the parentheses, but for now my attempts at home:

 
Noah at 2mo:
Weight: 13.6lbs (13lb 8oz - 90th %ile)    
Length: 24" (22 3/4" - 50th %ile)

If I'm at all close, he's gained almost 2 pounds this month and grown 3" - but we were a pound high and an inch off on our measurements at home last month - so we'll see!


Owen at 2yo:
Weight: 32.6lbs (32lb 3oz - 95th %ile)    
Height: 36-37" (35 1/2" - 80th %ile)

They say that by the time you are 2 that you are 1/2 of your adult height - so if that's true we're looking at this guy being between 6' and 6'2" - crazy to think that my "baby" could get so big!


There are about 1/2 as many pictures of Owen as there are of Noah - simply because Noah can't escape me! Owen was done with picture taking in about 1.2 seconds! I managed to get one good smile once I told him he was done! Err! Toddlers! So, with that said, we'll start with Owen.

What mom?! I'm watching my show!

At two years old, you: 

- speak in sentences almost all the time - at least 3 words, but sometimes more
- are sort of TV obsessed and love Mickey Mouse, Cars 1 & 2, Despicable Me, Toy Story 1-3
- are super compassionate and caring - you worry so much about the characters in your shows and about your friends - you hate to see anyone sad or upset
- still take one nap a day ranging from 1-3 hours
- only use your binky in bed and in the car - we transitioned you about a month ago and you are doing really well with it
- go to bed between 8:30-9:30 and sleep until about 8 each morning
- wake up and come to my bed to cuddle and watch cartoons for an hour or so before we get up and go downstairs
- love naming all your (and everyone else's) body parts and naming everyone and everything you see around you
- are CRAZY about fruit snacks - which you call "gummies"
- love your baby brother soo much and always want to make sure that he is with us - unless you are hungry/thirsty, then you want me to put him away and help you instead
- have started RUNNING away as fast as you can in stores and in public - we have had to use a little bumblebee backpack leash that my friend, L, gave us - you are starting to listen when I tell you to freeze, etc.
- have had a lot of timeouts lately, but unlike most kids your age, when I tell you to go to timeout - you listen (90% of the time) and go right to time out! You also immediately start saying you are sorry over and over!
- love construction vehicles, emergency vehicles, motorcycles - pretty much anything that goes "zoom, fast!"
- would rather drink a million cups of chocolate milk and juice than actually eat food - although you do still eat a lot
- say please, thank you, sorry, you're welcome, bless you, and I love you - without prompting - you are super polite and considerate!
- still love to be worn in the Ergo, mei tei, or the wrap
- still love to sing This Little Light of Mine, but now also love singing Old McDonald Had a Farm
- repeat the letters to spell your name but it almost always goes: 
    M: O O: O  
    M: W O: W
    M: E O: E   
    M: N O: Owen!
- started putting yourself to bed, I tell you to go to sleep and you walk upstairs and lay down - I come check on you and tuck you in, kiss, and leave - and you go to sleep
- LOVE sitting in the crack in the middle of the couch - you've decided it's your spot and tell us "sit here" pointing to the sides and will push anyone out of the middle
- call Grandma F "Grampa" and call my mom "Jessi" so you ask all the time for  Grampa and Grampa far away and Poppy and Jessi in car!
 
Owen, overall, you may be developing your own opinions and testing every boundary that you reach, but you are an amazing kid! I love you soo much and I am so proud to be your mommy! I can't wait to start you TERRIFIC TWOS! Love you, Mama

Fine, I kissed him...are we done here?

 Noah - my newest baby - oh how I love you! Owen made me a mommy, but you get to enjoy a pre-broken-in Mom - it's so much easier to enjoy everything you do this time, because I'm not so worried I'll break you like I was with your brother - and I don't have to go back to work and leave you both! It still amazes me every day that you are here and that you are mine - and I marvel at all the ways that you are so different from and so similar to your brother! I can't wait to see how those similarities and differences change as you grow! Love you - Mama

At two months old, you:

- seem to be even stronger than your brother was at this age, you roll over all the time and do super awesome pushups during tummy time
- are a happy-go-lucky guy most of the time, but when you get mad/hungry/sad/etc - you go from 0 to 60 (more like 120) in no time flat!
- love to be held and cuddled all the time and seem to dislike naps this week unless mommy is holding you, but you...
- sleep like a champ at night, you vary with when you decide night begins (somewhere between 10pm-2am) but you sleep for a solid 5 hours, nurse and go right back to sleep, followed by another 4 hours of sleep before you wake to nurse again - then you sleep for another 2-3 before you are up for the day
- have totally figured out nursing and nurse like a champ now! It seems like our overactive letdown issues have settled out and you latch right on and chow - I stopped worrying about charting when you eat, because you are growing so well and let me know what you need
- nurse every 1-3 hours, except at night - this early on it seems like every time you settle into a feeding schedule, you have another growth spurt and eat every hour again - so we'll wait a little longer to see where you settle with that
- have been more and more awake and aware during the day, you love watching us and looking all around and actually don't hate tummy time nearly as much as your brother did
- have started losing your hair - sorry buddy, probably not the last time
- LOVE Mommy most of all - makes Daddy a little sad, but I think it's just because I supply the food
- LOVE being held or carried, so I'm very glad we have all the various carriers to wear you, since I have to take care of your brother too (as I write this, you are asleep on my back in one of the woven wraps! I love that I can wear you on my back with a woven, while you are still little - it is so much easier to get things done!)
- are starting to figure out the binky but still prefer Mom - you only seem to like the NUK ones, and not the little baby ones - those are too small for you - only the big baby size for you!
- still sleep in the Rock-n-Play next to our bed (we'll probably keep you there until you stop with your middle of the night nursing session - since you'll share a room with your brother and we don't want you both awake in the middle of the night!)
- still have dark gray eyes, but they are getting bluer - a really bright vibrant blue
- seem to grow and change each and every day! It seems like as soon as I think I have you figured out, you can do something else or change things up on me! It is so exciting knowing that I won't miss out on all the little day to day things you do like I did with Owen while I was at work!

Mom, I am DONE with tummy time!

Boys,
I love you both SO, SO much! I was absolutely made to be your Mommy and it is my honor to raise you up to be men of God and to do great things for His glory! May you both always know how incredibly precious you are to us (Mom, Dad, and the Lord)!

Love you forever and for always - 

Momma

Noah James

Official stats will come from the doc on Monday, but we did our best at home. (Lol, we were way off - doc stats in parentheses)
Weight: 12.5lbs (11lb6oz - 90th %ile)   Length: 22" (21" - 30-40th %ile)

It's hard to believe that you've already been with us for an entire month - on one hand it feels like just yesterday that you were kicking and rolling around inside of me and on the other it feels like you have always been a part of our lives. You were meant to be a part of this family and you fit so well! I'm so thrilled that I was blessed with the honor of being your mommy! I love you so much already little man!

In the last four weeks you've been busy:

- you rolled over from tummy to back (twice) when you were just three weeks old - but you haven't done it again since! I couldn't believe it and I might still question it if I hadn't watched you do it with my own eyes! I am amazed by how strong you are! 

- you hold your head up for way longer than I think you should be able to 

- you follow/track my voice and my finger as I move around you or from side to side

- you have gotten much, much better at nursing and I have to help hold you and the boob perfectly in place much less often than before - although we are having some issues with overactive let-down and you sometimes cough and choke - you are learning to control the flow much better though

- you've grown out of newborn clothes and are wearing 0-3 months exclusively, but you are still wearing your newborn cloth diapers but will be into the one-size soon (or a size one in a 'sposie)

- you've started sleeping one 5-6 hour stretch at night followed (or preceded) by a four hour stretch from the beginning of one feed to the next - this is very much appreciated by your mommy! Although a few nights, you have decided that 12-2 is party time, which is pretty rough on Mommy and Daddy both!

- you were really worrying us with your jaundice for the first week or so and you almost had to be admitted to the hospital to be put under the lights, but we nursed like crazy and prayed like crazy and your bilirubin levels dropped "like crazy" (way more than anyone expected) in the course of about 8 hours! Praise the Lord!

- Momma and Poppy babysat you while Mommy and Daddy had a much needed night out and you took your first bottle like a champ!

- you are starting to find your hands and will suck on them a little to help soothe yourself and you still have a hard time with the binky, but you've almost got it!

- your belly button stump is long gone and your circumcision is healing nicely (don't worry I won't talk about your junk here regularly!)

So far, you are a lot like your big brother, but very different from him too! You have a much bigger chest and shoulders and smaller hands, legs, and feet. You have a much stronger upper body than he did at this age, while he had stronger legs. You have a great mellow personality and you are happy to go along with whatever we do and you are very patient. You hardly ever cry, but when you do, you are loud and insistent letting us know that you are really hungry or upset - I'm glad to see that you are able to be so sweet but still make your needs known! I can't wait to see all of the amazing ways that you are going to continue to grow and develop over the next year and throughout your life! I thought that time went quickly when Owen was a baby, but like I've been told - time definitely goes into hyper-drive with your second baby and I am completely in awe that an entire month has already passed and I'm sure that I'll be thinking and saying the same things 11 months from now on your first birthday and every birthday after that! I love you soo, soo much Noah Bear! You have brought a whole new dimension to our family and I love you for making Owen a brother and making us parents again! I'm so excited to be raise you and your brother together and while I'm sure the two of you will be crazy at times - I'm loving the bond that you already share and I want to do everything I can to nurture that bond and make sure that you both cherish it!

I love you sweet boy! 

Love,
Mommy

Blog Every Day in May: Day 31

Challenge Day 31: A vivid memory

Clearly - my most recent memory is somewhat overwhelmed with the events of the last week - but I want to devote a little more time to documenting that story correctly - so instead we are going to go a different direction - but first off - Hooray for me (and all of you out there!!) for actually blogging every day in May! I didn't know if I could do it and with the developing health issues and actually having Noah and being stuck in the hospital this week - I almost gave up so many times, but I really feel like I grew a lot this month and I'm proud I pulled this off! Anyway...


"G....come out! It's not funny!....G! GEEEE, WHERE ARE YOU?!!?!? The GAME IS OVER! COME OUT! It isn't funny! G, come out! G please, please, please come OUT! YOU WIN - just come out!" I was 8 or 9 years old and my little sister (G) was 3 or 4 - and she didn't start talking until she was 5. My parents had left me in charge while they were running an errand and my brother, one of his friends, my sister, and I all decided to play hide-n-seek. G was very good at hide-n-seek. We all hid and played several rounds of the game before we realized that G hadn't been out between the last few rounds and that no one had seen her in a while. We stopped the game and all started to call out for her and look for her throughout the house. We checked every closet and every hiding place we each knew. We looked for what seemed like forever calling out for her, after a while, I was screaming and crying out her name, begging her to just COME OUT! I began to panic - we were all panicking, but I, I was in charge, it was my responsibility to be keeping her(them) safe and she was gone. We searched the yard, yelling down the street, and went back to searching the house again. Keep in mind, this was the early 90s and there were no cell phones - there was no calling my parents and asking them to come home - there was simply searching and waiting for them to arrive to tell them that she was gone (or call the police - but I was too scared to do that). We started to re-search the house. Checking each place, looking for other smaller hiding places that we might have missed. The entire incident probably took place in 20-30 minutes - although it felt like hours years! We found her, eventually, in the back corner of a closet, on top of a four foot high pile of boxes squeezed into a 3-4 cubic foot space above the boxes under the shelf, behind several winter coats - in a space that none of us knew existed and wouldn't have expected her to be able to fit in even if we had known of it. And when we found her - she laughed - she had sat there, listening to the panic in all of our voices, listening to us cry and scream and yell, silently waiting to be found. I don't know that she would have ever come out. Unfortunately, this is not my only memory of panic - searching for G - in many different places - over the course of several years - with and without my parents - always with the added fear of knowing that she couldn't tell anyone her name or phone number or what her family looked like or anything else to help her to be found. Thankfully, she eventually overcame her mutism/speech delay and her penchant for hiding and torturing us all - because I'm sure her husband probably wouldn't appreciate either ;) - but I will forever remember those feelings or terror thinking that I had lost her forever. I love you, baby sister, but man, the scared 9-year-old big sister inside me still wants to beat you up for that!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 26

Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.

*Disclaimer - I am not a doctor or an expert on sleep, sleep safety, or anything else - everything stated here is simply my understanding and my opinion - please research these ideas for yourself and make informed decisions* 

Photo from article - not shared as an opinion or endorsement either way

So, in the world of moms and babies - there are lots of opinions and sides and things to argue about - yet in the end, we all just want what is best for our babies. I was recently linked to this post through Facebook and after reading the article and some of the comments - I have to say it left me more than a little bit frustrated. I'm not here to argue for or against co-sleeping or bedsharing or crib sleeping or any other parenting choice when it comes to getting your kid to sleep - those are your decisions and you need to know the risks and benefits of each option - weigh them accordingly - and make your informed parenting decisions. It's not my place to say what you should or shouldn't do.

There are two things that really, really frustrated me about this article and the responses it was getting. First, this article, and many others like it, uses the terms "bed-sharing" and "co-sleeping" interchangeably. This is soo confusing to many new parents as they hear about all of the "benefits of co-sleeping" from many different places - then read something like this and are completely unsure of what to do. Bed-sharing is the practice that this study actually refers to, that is often linked to SIDS and can be quite dangerous - although many, many families bed-share successfully and safely by following many of the precautions discussed in the article as well as others. The family bed is not a new concept. Co-sleeping is not the same thing as bed-sharing - co-sleeping is having your infant in the same room as you to sleep, but sleeping in a separate sleep structure (bassinet, pack n' play, crib, sidecar crib, etc). This practice is considered much safer by many experts and is said to lower SIDS risk as parents are in close proximity to baby and can hear breathing, etc., to more closely monitor the infant. It drives me crazy that the terms are so often switched and then dangers or benefits linked to studies of one or the other are misinterpreted. Secondly, when reading through the comments it drives me crazy and hurts my heart the way we respond to information like this - on both sides. If you are informed and make educated decisions about how you are raising your children - then there is no reason to have hurt feelings, be defensive, cursing, and attacking in your response to information that disagrees with your stance. Your experience is your own, and while often a minority opinion will feel marginalized, it will never help your case to attack the other side.

What do you think? Why do we get so caught up in attacking those who disagree with us and tearing them down? Why can't we disagree and still get along? Or am I just being naive? This issue in particular is a safety issue, and I understand being passionate about your position and sharing information with others to help keep kids safer - and I'm all for that, but can't we (on both sides) look at that information objectively and make our decisions - instead of blindly following "rules" or calling studies "crap" because they do/don't agree with what you were told?

Blog Every Day in May: Day 25

Challenge Day 25: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)

Unrelated photo - but the only HS pics I have easy access to are from Prom, so here you are!

When you go to a high school with less than 100 people in your graduating class and then you factor in social status levels and interests and all of that - the dating pool isn't really all that large - even if you expand to the grade above or below there still aren't that many options - so for this reason - my group of friends and several other groups of friends in my school were fairly "incestuous" - meaning there was no "girl code" or "guy code" dictating that you don't date a friends ex - if someone hasn't dated one of your friends it was a rare occurrence - and we would all often find ourselves interested in the same boys. 

Anyway, there was a certain group of boys that was at the same social level as my group of friends and therefore our groups would tend to associate and inter-date. I can't remember exactly how it came about but there was one boy in the group who never seemed to like me - not that everyone should like me, but he seemed to dislike me specifically, rather than just not like me - as he liked my friends. So, somehow it came about that he did in fact dislike me and I wasn't just crazy - and I asked him why he didn't like me (this is never a good idea and I'm really unsure why I thought it was at the time) anyway - he uttered the words aloud that he never liked me because he believed that I was "deficient in morals." I do not remember anything else that was said in that conversation, nor do I really remember much else about that boy or any interactions that I had had with him - but those words cut me deeply and they are words that I will never forget.

I still can't quite believe that a high school boy would phrase things that way, and at the point that he said that I was still very much a goody-goody - although I was a teenager and I am human, so I did things wrong - but I don't really know what about my 16 year old self would have made him think that about me. I don't maybe I was "deficient in morals" and maybe I completely misunderstand this whole Christianity thing and I still am, but even if it is completely and utterly true - ouch, not the thing you expect to hear by the lockers between classes!

This boy, who is now a man, probably has no recollection of ever saying these words to me or any idea that they cut me so deeply, but as a people pleaser and "goody-goody" Christian girl - I was devastated to know that something about me projected to others that I was immoral and that I didn't have morals.

I know now, that my morals are my own, and that the one one I need to please with them is God - it's up to Him to judge me and not others - but so often as Christians we feel as though we can judge others and who they are and what their relationship with God must be like based on what they look like or how they speak or dress or even how they make us feel (whether or not that has anything to do with them at all)! I want my boys to know that it is never okay to judge others and that we are never capable if knowing what is going on inside of a person between him/her and God - and that really it is none of our business! It is up to us to let our "lights shine" and be an example of God's love to the world - they will have plenty of other opportunities to face judgement and condemnation from all around. 


The thing is we never know which words we speak will stick to a person - which words will define a little piece of them from now on and will always be there in the back of his/her head. It is so easy to pick on others or to be careless or judgmental - never considering a long term impact of our words. Words are powerful and we need to always be aware of that. I'm not rubber, you're not glue, sticks and stones will break our bones, but words - they can really hurt you.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 23

Day 23 Challenge: Things you've learned that school won't teach you

So, funny thing - coming from a former teacher and someone who loved school and learning - the top thing I've learned that school won't teach you is that if you aren't learning and growing - it is only your own fault. Sure, there are exceptions and special circumstances, but for myself especially, this statement is beyond accurate!

In school, I received straight A's in K-12 and only 1 B in college (advanced honors English freshman year while taking 18 credits including a 300-level Russian Lit class - not sure what I was thinking there). Yet, when I look back at my education, I remember very little of what was "taught" to me - and in large part that is my own fault. I have known since I was very young that I am smart and that I can easily do things that are difficult for many other students and that I could sort of breeze through school using minimal effort - so I did. I did what was expected of me and I did it well, but I didn't exert myself or do my best pretty much ever. Therefore, I skimmed textbooks to get enough information for the test - I wrote papers last minute - I still have no concept of how one actually studies! And I have a master's degree for crying out loud! 

For a long time, I blamed my teachers for not recognizing me or pushing me with more challenging work (as early as 6th grade - my "challenge" was that I was allowed to teach myself math in a side room instead of being forced to sit in class and participate) - yet now, as an adult I see that the drive to learn and grow needs to come from me. I need look for those challenges - I need to apply myself to actually learn and remember the things that I want to know - it isn't about a grade or meeting expectations of others (I know I can do that) it is about meeting my own potential, whether that is above or below any one else's standards!

This is the thing that I most want to instil in my children - that you are as great as you want to be, meeting or exceeding is not always what it is all about - it is about doing and being your best! I don't want my children to be afraid to shine or to stumble - I don't want them to blend into the pack - I want them to embrace who they are and who God made them to be and take responsibility for their own learning and growth - sure I will help guide and support and challenge them - and I will ensure that they have others in their lives to do the same, but true motivation for anything has to come from within - and I want them to have that drive to reach their greatest potential - and I don't want them to have to be adults before they learn that! It isn't up to others to teach you - it's up to you to have a teachable heart and to be open to learning and growing in all circumstances!

Owen Matthew - 21 months old

Hey little boy,

This last month has been crazy and I was supposed to post an update on you when you turned 21 months on May 1st, but I didn't get it done, so instead this is a little bit of a longer update and covers the time before and after you turned 21 months! I'm posting this at the end of May and we'll see when we post your 22 month update - since, I'm not sure when your brother is coming and I don't want to miss this for you again - it might work better to do your update for the month at the end of the month though instead of when you first change months! Either way doesn't matter much because you are ALMOST TWO! Then I'll probably update on your changes every 6 months after that! I can't believe you are already such a big kid!

1st Big Ouch!

 You are still thoroughly in love with your binky, Elmo, giraffe, puppy (that Gpa got you), and all things truck/car/train/hel-cop-ter/dig-gur! If it goes - you love it! You even insist on sleeping with your trains and cars and your "new" airplane! It's so cute seeing you snuggled up with all these hard toys - it can't be very comfortable! This month, you got your first BIG ouchie - and went to the ER to get checked out after you fell looking at a helicopter! We were really worried that it would affect your love of vehicles and then a few days later we took you to a local "touch a truck" type event with all kinds of vehicles - and you were really scared at first and kept crying and telling us "ow" "ouchies" - but by the time we left that afternoon you were loving it again and realized that you were safe, you just had to be "care-fle" - when you say it is sounds a lot like waffle! :)

You love to "drive" and now you always want the keys & want to sit in the front seat - sorry dude - it's going to be a while!

I finally got your name up on the wall, since your ABC decals were falling down! I love how it looks over your bed and you love repeating your name and "spelling" it with mommy! You do a great job repeating and touching each letter and you are so proud when we finish your name! You also know that the baby in mommy's tummy is named Noah! Your language has really exploded this month and you are talking soo much! You almost always use 3 word sentences and you are getting really good at explaining yourself when we don't know what you want. You still get frustrated, but you try much harder to explain yourself before you give up! Mommy is super proud of how well you are talking and communicating with us and other people! We have even had some other moms talking about what a great job you do talking! You say pretty much anything that you want to and you learn lots of new words every day - mommy and daddy have to be careful, because we think sometimes we are saying things sarcastically and you pick up on our conversation and then misunderstand what words mean and then when you use words and slightly mispronounce them we have no idea what you are talking about, but you insist that you are right! The only wrong/baby word you use consistently for anything is that you still insist that your Grandma Deb is really "grampa." Once or twice you have accidentally said "gramma," but then you quickly correct yourself and change it back to "grampa" - no matter how many times we correct you! You have also continue to be super sweet and super polite - you say "tank you," "you we-gum," "peaze," "lub you" all the time now, often without any prompting at all!

You've been doing a great job dealing with all of mommy's doctor's appointment and all of the baby prep that is going on in our house - you have been getting into all the baby stuff and exploring it - since it was all once yours - but once you see that it's ok for you to explore you, you've lost interest and gone back to your big kid stuff! I think that is going to be the best way to help you cope with all of these changes - you can check out the baby stuff, but you are smart enough to know that you don't really want it! You are getting to be more and more of a big boy every day! You still love snuggling and cuddling up with mommy and daddy, but you are also doing a great job exploring and playing by yourself! Since the weather took so long to get nice, you missed out on a lot of playing outside, but now that it is warm you always want to be "ow-si" and want to go the the "pla-grow" pretty much every day! When mommy started getting high blood pressure, you did a great job cuddling up on the couch with me for most of the day and then playing crazy with daddy at night, but now that I have been taking medicine and feeling a little bit better - Mommy has been trying to make sure we get you outside more during the day too! Especially since at the end of May daddy was on call almost every other day since there were some conferences other people had to go to! You are still working on going in the potty, but we aren't really pushing it - you just go when you feel like it - we have lots of time to worry about that big boy stuff and not much more time that you get to be my little guy!

Love you soo, soo much!

I can't wait to see what June has in store for us when you are 22 months old and I finally get to see what a great big brother you are going to be! 

Love you, Mom

Blog Every Day in May: Day 18

Challenge Day 18: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.

I should have seen it coming - I should have known that I didn't quite fit into the world they were entering - but I didn't see it. I didn't have a clue and I was completely and utterly blindsided. My best friend Jessica sat me down and handed me a note - a "Dear John" letter of sorts - informing me that we had grown apart and this was the "hardest letter she'd ever had to write" that I was so important to her and that we would always be friends, but that we just weren't best friends anymore.

This happened some time in the spring of my seventh grade year - my friends were beginning to experiment with boys and cigarettes and dieting that may have bordered on eating disorders - and I was still just a goody-goody little Christian girl - petrified of doing anything "wrong" and getting into "trouble." I was completely and utterly devasted - I wasn't heading in the direction that they were - I wasn't "cool" enough to be a part of the group anymore and I didn't know how to do anything about it. I was DUMPED and it wasn't by a boy - it was by all my friends in the world. I went to this junior high for these friends - I followed them there even though my parents had another school in mind.

I continued to sit with the group at lunch over the next few days, because I knew no one else and they had said that we were all still friends - I just lost my "best friend" status - yet after only 2-3 days - I was sat down again and told that maybe it was time that I should look for some new friends and somewhere else to sit at lunch. Now, my junior high was not a mega school - it was a small, private Christian school with about 60-100 people per grade level. I'm not sure how many kids were in our class that year, but we graduated with about 80 - and these 8 girls included the 6 that I had spent 2nd through 6th grade with and of the rest of our class there were a few other groups of girls that were all established and had been bonding for the last 6-8 months of the school year. Additionally, the girls that I had previously been friends with were the "cool" girls - otherwise known as the "mean girls"
 - that was another reason I had been "kicked out" because I wasn't really capable of participating in the mean, but I still was linked to them in everyone's minds - even if I wasn't directly mean to them - I was a "mean girl" by association.

So, instead of being welcomed into a new group - I was a social leper - with the other girls not sure what to make of me. I sat alone in the quad and ate my lunch trying not to cry for weeks. A few times I sat with various groups of girls, but I was never really welcomed in, so I read books, and I ate, and I sat alone - for most of the rest of the year. I was so ashamed and felt as though I didn't deserve friends and that no one would like me anyway. The people who knew me for years and years didn't want anything to do with me, so why would anyone new. I didn't tell my mom for a while, but she figured it out.

I look back, and think about the things that they were doing and it makes sense that they didn't want to be friends with me, and it makes sense that I didn't fit in the group any more - but it didn't change the feelings of abandonment and rejection. It doesn't change the fact that I still struggle to be genuine and let people get to know me on a close intimate level. It doesn't change the years that I spent doing and being who and what anyone and everyone wanted me to do and be - just so that they would like me. I made friends with a group of much nicer girls the next year - who I continued to be friends with through high school - but who I seldom speak to now. I went on to spend a lot of time and energy "making relationships work" - I dated people who I should never have dated, because they liked me and I liked being liked. I needed to be cared about and wanted - and I compromised a lot of who I was for that.

Thankfully, the Lord pulled me out of the cycle and provided me with the most amazing man to marry - who loves me fully and completely - even the ugly and the hurt. The Lord gave me a family who whether we agree or disagree or fight or whatever else - we love each other fiercely
 and will always protect and support one another. And now in this new town - where I had no family and I had a husband who fully loved and supported me and had helped me gain a significant amount of strength and confidence in myself, but who had to work A LOT - in this new town, the Lord is teaching me about trusting other women. He is teaching me about having friends - it is still a struggle, and there is still a piece of that twelve year old girl inside of me wondering why she did wrong and why no one likes her. But, that voice telling me that no one likes me and no one ever will is getting quieter - and God's voice is getting louder - the voice that tells me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made and that I am exactly who He created me to be. I can't make everyone like me - I can't make everyone want to be my friend - but I can be the me that God wants me to be - I can be fully and completely myself - no apologies - and I can trust that the Lord will provide me with the right friends, rather than just any friends. I can trust that He will provide me with friends who will love and support me and who will like me just as I am, while inspiring me to grow. And those friends - are way better than the friends who you have to constantly work to impress and who you have to constantly question and assess and keep trying to change who you are to keep around.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 17

Challenge Day 17: A favorite photo of yourself and why

I can't choose just one - there are more, but here are three photos of myself that always make me smile - I just love them. One from each phase of my life - just me, married me, and momma me!

First:  

This is me at about two and I just love the beads and the cheeks and "little baby girl Jessi!"

 

Up next:

{care of our fantabulous wedding photographer}

 I have absolutely NO IDEA what we are all laughing at - and to be honest, it makes me love the picture even more - I don't have to connect it with some corny joke or stupid occurance - I can just remember how absolutely, deliriously happy we were on our wedding day. And that is nothing to shake a stick at!

Last, but not least:

This photo is blurry, the colors are off, and it just plain has some weird lighting and shadowing - but it doesn't matter in the least. It reminds me every time I look at it how much Owen loves me and how much I head-over-heels love my boys (all three of them!). I've got my inside baby and my outside baby all cuddled up and it is just such a tender moment and I'm so glad that J caught it!

So, I sorta cheated, but I felt like all of those versions of myself are still here wrapped up inside - and I needed to acknowledge each of them! Anyone else incapable of making a decision - and really good with excuses? (I'm absolutely terrible with favorites!!!)

Blog Every Day in May: Day 16

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

All in all, I know I've been a bit of a complainer in recent weeks, but my "lot in life" is a pretty darn good one! We have everything that we need and more. We are all healthy and able-bodied - I am married to the best man I know, and my kid is fantastic! Sure, J works almost twice as much as the average American and that is hard - but he has worked similar hours since we met, and when he is here - he is all here and makes us a priority - often at his own expense - so I really don't have room to claim J's job something difficult in my "lot" that I need to overcome - even though it does come with it's own unique challenges.

However, there is something that I've been struggling with and trying to overcome - especially this last year. This life married to a surgeon - and life in general - includes a lot of unknowns - his schedule is irregular and there could always be something that comes up keeping him away for a genuinely good reason. This is hard for me - not having everything all lined up and tied with a bow is hard for me. I am a planner....I like to know what is coming so that I can be prepared. I don't like surprises and I don't like change. Yet, life requires flexibility and an ability to embrace the unknown. That is something that I have never been good at. Now, throughout this pregnancy, we have been faced with unknown after unknown and question after question - all of which received vague non-answers. It seems that each time I go to the doctor I face another "if" and receive no sense of security or answers. I'm hoping that starting these meds will lead to a little more certainty and an ability to plan/determine when things are coming - since I've been told several times now that this pregnancy is most likely ending with an induction - but each time we speak it varies as to when - being anywhere from now to 39 weeks - and that is a big difference, especially with a toddler who I have to prepare for a new brother and who needs to be taken care of when I am in the hospital.

This has been the year in which I have had to learn that I don't always know the plan, and I don't always get to have all the answers - but I need to step forward in faith and continue on "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." {Jer. 29:11} He knows what He's doing and His plan is better than mine could ever be - so maybe sometimes a little bit of the unknown is okay and maybe I don't have to have it all figured out - because He does!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 6

Day 6 of the Challenge: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

What do I do? All of last summer I struggled with this exact question - now that I wasn't a teacher anymore and I was just a stay-at-home mom - what do I say when people ask what I do?? I was worried that people would think less of me now that I was no longer teaching, especially since I was leaving a job in an urban (read 'high-poverty') school so I could now just be a lazy middle class mom. Although, I knew then and I know now that I am not a "lazy middle-class mom" and I know that the "lazy" stay-at-home mom is a myth (or if she exists I haven't found her - because I'd like to know the secret! *wink, wink*) - but it was still a fear of mine that people would think that - just like I worry about how I'll be judged as a "blogger" - not that I think I qualify as one yet.

I do the things we all do - I cook, I clean, I wrangle a two silly dogs and a crazy toddler - all while growing a giant baby in my belleh. But those aren't the things that define me - although they do use a significant portion of my time. 

I love, I cuddle, I teach - in a more profound way than I ever did as a teacher, and I learn more from my kid than I would have ever thought possible. I am learning about love and life and patience. I am learning about God and parenting and teaching others. I am even learning about myself - I am also putting myself out there in new and different ways that I never did before. I am becoming more myself and more of who I want to be and that excites me - I want my babies to see their mom as fearless and brave - I want them to know that if they want to try something then that is exactly what they should do - TRY. 

So, what do I do? I try - I try to do it, I try to do more, I try to do less, but I always keep trying and for now - I'm good with that!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 3

My assignment today is to tell you about something that makes me uncomfortable - and it took me a while to decide what to share because it was much easier to come up with the laundry list of things that make me uncomfortable than it was to come up with one thing that I felt qualified to educate others on - but isn't that how it always goes - our minds are so quick with the negative!

Anyway, the first thing making me uncomfortable is this kid in my belly! J/k (but not really) - he is significantly hampering my physical comfort, but for the sake of this post, I'm going a different direction.

The thing that makes me most uncomfortable in life is putting myself out there when I'm not exactly sure of other's expectations of me. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser, it is really hard for me to not know exactly what is expected of me. I like clearly defined roles that I can fill and that I can succeed in. There are no assigned roles in friendships or in blogging - there isn't a parent or teacher or pastor or husband or child to tell me who I am supposed to be or how to act or what is "expected" of me - the freedom is intimidating (this is a big part of why I decided to start blogging - to push myself out of that comfort zone). This year I have really been trying to be okay with being uncomfortable and being myself in all situations, whether or not, who I am is who people want me to be. That may mean that I lose a few friends, but hopefully it will mean that the relationships that do develop and grow will be much better than the ones I had before - since they will be more sincere! Sadly, this fear of being uncomfortable and not pleasing others often makes it really hard to make new friends and I know that it takes a long time for this introvert to come out of her shell - so that others can really get to know me. Once I know you, I'm pretty open and I'm honest to a fault - but until you know me well, you really don't know me at all - and that's a hard spot to be in as a new friend. I often find that people judge me or think that I'm mean or don't want to get to know them or that I think I am better than other people - none of which are true. I'm really just petrified of rejection - and that means that I shut down.

I'm even that way with my own family - none of them know about this blog - none of my friends know about it - and I'm actually really scared of any of them finding out about it and judging me! I know that I want to put myself out there - I know I want to work to develop my voice and share my story - but I also know that it and I are not perfect - that I don't and won't always express myself just how I'd like - that feeling of discomfort - it means I'm growing and growing pains are always worth it in the end!

Blog Every Day In May: Day 1

I found this Blog Every Day In May Challenge through Karly - and I thought it would be fun to try it out - I don't know if I can pull it off, since I'm currently barely keeping up with once a week, but that's what a challenge in all about!

So, without further ado - Day 1: My life story in 250 words or less...

I was born on October 25, 1986 and became a big sister in '88 to a crazy brother and in '91 to a silly sister and I loved being mini-mommy to them both. I was raised in a very Christian home and accepted the Lord as my Savior early on. I started kindergarten at age four and became a lover of school and learning - graduated high school at 17 as salutatorian of my class after 13 years of Christian schooling. I went to college in state on a scholarship and rebelled just a little - making some choices that led to unnecessary pain, but I never left my faith behind. While I was in school, I worked doing habilitation with kiddos with autism and met/made my best friend (who happened to own the company) when I started to nanny her adopted daughter! I finished college early (just after my 21st birthday) and was eager to finally be a teacher! I taught kindergarten for five years - during which, I got my masters, met and married (between PGY 4/5) the resident J - who is now the fellow J - and became a momma to Owen. Then, Owen and I followed J to the Midwest for his fellowship (I had never lived anywhere other than my home state before) where I now stay-at-home taking care of all my boys - which will include one more (baby Noah) in 4-7 weeks!

Toddler fits

Throwing a fit because his egg broke and he couldn't put it back together!

So, yesterday, Owen had one of those days - actually, it's been one of those weeks with him, but yesterday was especially bad - starting out with a 7am wake up, which is at least an hour to two hours early for him. It seems just about anything and everything warrants an epic fit of tears and frustration and screams. Bawling because his train came apart at the magnet between the cars, or because he wanted to repeatedly click his high chair straps over and over (which requires that mommy un-click them, and she wanted to eat lunch) or because he wants to watch trucks but not those trucks! Fits over too much, too little, too fast, too slow, and fits...just for the sake of fits. My sweet gentle boy, has just been at the end of his rope. It might be because he's almost two, or because he's teething, or because my pregnancy is getting to him as I get slower and less fun, and maybe just because he has a little more of his mommy in him than people realize on first glance.

Because, by the end of the day yesterday, it was mommy's turn - and mommy was the one throwing the epic toddler fits. I was mad because J was pressuring me to pick what I wanted to eat (as I asked him to pick something up, and he was nearing home). I was mad because J was pressuring me by offering me options of things he could cook me at home, when I just didn't want to eat yet - even though i knew that he and Owen were hungry! I was mad because he just wasn't taking my picture RIGHT, goshdarnit - although I used some much harsher words, embarrassingly...in front of my son. I was just plain mad and sad - I felt ignored and pushed around and not even a little but listened to. And J, well, he kind of panicked and went into overdrive trying to fix everything and do all the right things - only that just made everything worse, because to my overtired, overstimulated cranky toddler mess of a self, that was just more of the same - more pushing and pressure that I just couldn't handle.

I, crankily, sat down to dinner with my boys and huffed and puffed through dinner with a cranky fit throwing toddler and a bewildered husband who couldn't have done anything right no matter how hard he tried (and believe me he tried). Dinner led immediately into bath time (and "photo shoot" time as I needed a picture for my 31 week post), along with several fights and fits (toddler and mommy-alike), and pushed towards a bedtime that was almost an hour early. Then by 8:30 - I laid down in bed waiting for my husband to "fix it" even though I'd only pushed him away all night - this led to a monster breakdown - tears galore, sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years because he just wouldn't "listen" to me - this of course turned into a hours-long conversation, in which, I laid out all the ways that J had hurt me all night long and how insensitive he was and so on and so on - and he told me how sorry he was and how much he just wanted to make me happy and so on and so on - finally culminating in a way too late bedtime - feeling a little better and a lot more understood.

Then this morning, by the light of day, I saw myself in a whole new light, and what a child I had been. J spent the whole evening and hours that he should have been sleeping loving me, while I whined and cried and yelled and told him how he was doing it all wrong - which is exactly what I've been getting so frustrated with Owen for doing (only he has a bit more of an excuse, being an actual toddler and all).

I'd like to blame my actions on pregnancy or lack of sleep or any of the other reasos and excuses that I use to explain away my behavior and Owen's - but the truth is that I let my sin nature get the best of me, and while I'm trying to teach my toddler to tame his own - I needed a real lesson in humility and how I don't have it all together myself - to help get my expectations for Owen and for myself back in check. The fact of the matter is that he can't and I can't do it on his/my own! We need God and his grace and power in our lives. We need His help to rise above our sin nature and honor Him with our lives. It's really easy to get caught up in doing and being good - in our power and will rather than His - and I needed the reminder that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - not through my own strength!

J really was an amazing example of God last night - he stood back, never leaving me, but letting me have the space I needed to throw my fit, always ready and willing to help whenever I let him close enough to try. He listened to me whine and complain and tell him that everything he did was wrong and how it was all his fault - when really he did absolutely nothing wrong - and isn't that just like a, telling God how to do His job, telling him what we want and need and whining because we didn't get our way or He wasn't/isn't fast enough or He answered our prayer in a way that we weren't expecting. I am just so grateful to have a God and a husband who are both willing to love me through my meltdowns and gently talk me down from the other side - who love me enough to keep trying and never leave when I push.

I've always prided myself on being so mature and grown-up - but this kid of mine is showing me in new ways all the time - just how much growing up I still have to do, but that's okay - we have each other and J and an amazing Father in heaven - and we'll figure out this growing up thing, even if we do have a few bumps along the road. My mom always used to tell me that she and I grew up together - and in my childlike perspective I thought that meant that she was just really immature when she had me (sorry, mom!)...but now I see it in a whole new light. This motherhood thing...it's a different type of growing up, one complete with a whole new set of growing pains, but worthwhile too.

So, here we go kiddo, Mommy will keep teaching you and you keep teaching me - and we'll both keeping letting God lead us and help us to grow into the people that He wants us to be - because heaven knows we can't do it alone and none of us can handle many more days like yesterday! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of tomorrows - new days when we can start fresh and do better than we did before!

And just to show that this week hasn't been ALL temper tantrums and toddler fits - here's my boys being the goofs they are cracking themselves and this momma up!

Man, do I love these boys! These were their "mom, stop with that flash in my face"-faces!

Owen (20 month update)

Such a loving boy

Owen,
This month you have continued to grow up so much, I'm amazed by you every day. As of Monday, you are now 20 months old. You weigh 30 pounds and based on my best efforts with a tape measure (which you did not make easy -so I'm probably way off) you are about 34/35 inches tall. You are soo incredibly sweet and loving and you are such a caring boy. You've started to really understand the things you watch on TV/movies and the things that are happening around you and you are soo compassionate - if anyone is ever hurt or in trouble you are so upset and worried about them and desperate for whatever problem there is to be fixed - so you immediately start whining or yelling to make sure we know that someone is in trouble! You find garbage at the park and clean it up all on your own - I am amazed by that! You constantly want to be held and cuddled, kissed and "huggie"d! You will crawl up on the couch call out for a "banky" and pat the seat next to you over and over so that we will come "cuddy" with you! It makes this momma heart swell since not too long ago you thought it was really funny to refuse to kiss your mom even though you loved giving kisses to everyone else! You have also started kissing and hugging any and all babies that you see. You are starting to get that Noah in my tummy is a baby like them and you are just loving on us all. I am just soo proud to be your mommy! (although you've started to call me "mom" and I'm not too crazy about that! Give me at least a few years of "mommy" okay kiddo?)

Still a little more than slightly "binky obsessed"

You are talking more and more every day - not that everyone can understand you - especially with the binky you insist on keeping in your mouth nearly constantly (whenever we hide it or take it away you search the house moaning and crying out "binka...binka...go?....bin-KA!"). You probably say 5-10 new words every day and have 200-300 words in your regular vocabulary - although I stopped writing down all your words a little after you reached 100. You are putting more and more words together and using 2-3 word sentences at least 1/2 the time with lots of pronouns - although you do mix them up sometimes - like running through the park yelling "chase you" when you want me to chase you and you are still mixing up "thank you" and "your welcome" fairly often. I think what happens is that when you say something and we respond...then you think that we are correcting you - so we aren't quite sure what to do about that, but I know you'll figure it out soon enough - you are such a smartipants!

You are totally showing an amazing spiritual side and love for the Lord already too! You love "singing" and clapping along with your kids Bible songs - you remind me to pray before meals more often than I remind you, and you often want to be the one to say our prayers so I'll tell you what to say one word at a time and you are so proud to say our family prayers! You are also super insistent and make sure that I notice every time that you hear sirens and we follow that with a prayer for the the helpers and the people who need help! People have always said that they didn't believe that I became a Christian when I was two years old, but watching you - I wouldn't be surprised if you understand and are able to accept Jesus into your heart within the next year. It's more important that you do in fact understand and accept him than it is that you do it at any certain age, so I'll just keep working to make sure that I nurture what God is already doing in you and give you as many opportunities as I can to know Him more!

Potty Success

Milestones - you are starting to acknowledge when you need to go to the bathroom before you go and have asked to sit on the potty and actually successfully gone both pee and poop on the potty a few separate times - nothing consistent and we still have a LONG way to go before you could be considered even a little potty trained, but you are showing signs that you get it and want to be a part of it - but we aren't pushing too hard, since your doctor and lots of other mommies and daddies (including mine talking about me when I was little like you) have said that when Noah is born you probably won't be too interested in being potty-trained anymore - so we are letting you take the lead with this one and we will let you use the potty as much as you want, but not push you to be done with diapers yet. You are also getting your two-year molars and we can tell that you don't like it much - we've had a lot of cuddle days and wakeful nights, and orajel (finger medicine) and Tylenol/Advil and none of the four are even poking through the gums yet - so I think we are in for this taking a while - it's clear that the molars are the issue though as you hold your jaw/ears and say "ouch!"whenever we touch the area. You seem to really be chomping on your fingers trying to get them way back and the binky has been a big comfort for your mouth - so that (and the impending arrival of your brother and all the changes that will bring) is a big reason we haven't really been pushing you to get rid of the binky yet. You seem to suddenly "get" body parts and now point out and label eyes, nose, mouth, ears, head, hair, belly, and butt - when at your 18 month appt. you would really only name "eyes." It's crazy because when I think about your life it seems like you JUST turned 18 months and in the same amount of time you will be 22 months old and a new big brother (although when I think about it in terms of 11 more weeks of pregnancy it seems SOO much longer!) - I can't believe how fast you are growing up my little lovey boy!

You currently LOVE:
MICKEY - it's all about Mickey in here! Everywhere we go, you are on the lookout and pointing "mih-yee, mih-yee, mih-yee" the second you spot him on any type of product and you LOVE Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - we were thinking we wouldn't go to Disneyland this year with Noah coming, but maybe our summer trip will have to turn into a Fall trip, because you are in LOVE and I really want to capture that!
French Fries - I feel like a little bit of a bad mom for this one, but you kid are in love with "fench fies" and would eat them with "dip" (ketchup) for every meal if I let you - we even bargain bites of meat for bites of fries - I think you would eat anything if it meant you could have a french fry - although you did just discover "ceam" (ice cream) and you seem pretty fond of that too! Looks like you are following after mommy's less than stellar tastes - I/we need to work on that!
Gpa - this month your Grandma Deb came to visit and you were just crazy about her - although you insisted that her name was "gamPA" with the P emphasized! We kept saying "gamMa" and you would get mad and correct us - since she left 5 days ago at least once a day you've forgotten that she was was gone and have yelled out calling for "gamPa" - it will be funny to see if this is one of those kiddo things that you correct as you go, or if you really have named your grandma "grandpa"! I kinda hope it sticks, because it is super cute - especially because Grandma kept trying to choose her own name and pick some cool grandma name and you totally went the other direction and she loves it anyway, because you chose it! 
Daddy - you have also been all about Daddy. He just had a week off and we had the best time together as a family - indoor waterpark, mall playplace and carousel dates, and just lots of fun bonding time. This was the most uninterrupted time that you really got to spend with Daddy since you were born - we had a break about this long for Thanksgiving and New Years, but it was a lot more shared with our extended family and traveling and we all got sick during both of those breaks - so this was some super special time and you ate it up! You loved going to sleep and waking up soo many mornings in a row with your Daddy at home - it was a hard transition this week when he went back to work, and even harder on his first day back on call!

"ssage" for mama and Noah

Love you more than you could ever know, kid!

Love, Mommy