Operation 9 Month Off - Week 3-5

Err, take 3 - I've started this post two other times, but with running off to care for babes - it's disappeared twice since I didn't save it! Anyway...I better get it done, so that I can link up with

How did I do this week: (eek - the last 3 weeks!)

Anyone want to guess why I've been AWOL the last three weeks? No, no, I'm not pregnant again...we need to give this body a little more recovery time than that! I have just completely falled off the wagon - I stopped charting my foods, I ate far too many ice cream sodas, and I didn't make exercise or even being active a priority! Err, I'm soo mad at myself - because I actually got down to 183 - which was 2 pounds below my pre-Noah weight and now I'm back up to 187! I decided it's really time to take things seriously - it's time to post real numbers and get real with my fitness journey! This isn't just about losing weight! It is about being a good example for my boys, it's about being healthy for another pregnancy in the future, it's about living better and longer with my family! So, I found a few weight loss link-ups that I plan to join in on, and on Monday I (& J) signed up for WW online. I want to lose a lot of weight and I want to lose it quickly, but I don't want to hurt my ability to nurse Noah, or to limit his nutrition or calories in any way. My issue has always been motivation and sticking to it - but I need to be motivated to be healthier for my kids - to not be the tired mom! If I am going to stick with this as I lifestyle, then I need the flexibility of something like Weight Watchers to let me have my "cheat day" while not blowing the whole diet! It doesn't do me any good to lose ten pounds only to gain it back over and over because I wasn't drinking enough water or I wasn't eating enough, etc. I really like how the new plan gives you lots of healthy options for 0 points (like the banana I just had). I did Weight Watchers in college when I was at my lowest weight (128) and it was a lifestyle that I could stick with and it was easy - but over time I slowly shifted out of that lifestyle - so I'm hoping getting back into it I can go back to the old habits that I used to have and create a new lifestyle - rather than the calorie counting that I've been doing and constant analysis of everything. As I remember, you get to the point where you know how many points most of your favorite foods are - which makes things easy! I really want this to be easy - and I'm coming to the realization - that it's just not. We've hit the 3 month mark - so if I want to hit my goals by Noah's first birthday then the 9 month countdown is officially ON! It's time to make this happen! Hopefully, finding a few friends along the way will help me stick to it!

Measurements (starting points in italics): 

• Waist (smallest point): 35" (35")
• Hips (largest point): 45" (45")
• Arms: 12" (12")
• Thighs: 28" (28")
• Chest: 40" (40")
• Weight: 187.3 (189.9)

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

• Reach 0 point ( 185 - post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done - DONE
• -5 pounds: Massage
• -10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure
• -20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 
• -30 pounds: Haircut/color
• -40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 
• -50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!)

Want to do this together and help encourage one another and keep each other on track?? I'd love a partner, or several, in this! Let me know! I'm on Weight Watchers and myfitnesspal and fitbit and twitter - join me! Email or comment with your usernames and I'll friend you!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 22

Day 22, Wednesday: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off)

Ready....set...rant:

You know what drives me crazy - all the sponsored posts! I get that you want to make money on your blog - and sponsored posts that have something to do with your content - sure, occasionally, fine - a post telling me about some product I might like and giving it away - okay, every now and then - but it seems like a ton of blogs that I read (maybe it is actually 5-6) have suddenly started up with at least one sponsored post advertising something every week - and what's worse is they are all advertising the SAME products! In one week, I read at least five separate posts for a certain "green" cleaning product company - then the next week 3 posts for the same makeup company - then four for the same stroller - and now another couple for some teeth straighteners. The thing is none of these posts alone would be a problem - but they have all been piled on top of one another - and right after several other bloggers I read were constantly promoting the homemaker ebook bundle - which made a little more sense, since they youknow wrote the books! It just seems like over the last month less than 20% of what I've read from blogs - that I generally really like and whose content I enjoy - has actually been content that you youknow follow the blog for! And companies - it's overkill to have 7 bloggers who all have similar/the same audiences all promote your product - spread it out! Maybe it is just me, and I happen to read all the blogs who all happen to be getting together to promote these products, but I can't be the only one who reads across these same blogs - I found them somehow - so other people have to be reading more than one of them too!

Boo, now I feel like a jerk, because I really do like these blogs - and I want to read them for their stories and their regular content, and sure a sprinkling of sponsored posts is no big deal, but come on! It's been driving me crazy how many I've seen lately - I'm all for making a buck and maybe it's jealousy talking, but I don't think so - there has to be a way that you can make a little money with your blog, sell some content, without me reading a million straight-up commercials! I mean, isn't that why we all got DVRs - so we could skip the commercials! Anybody else feel like your favorite big bloggers are selling you a little too much? Miss the content that made them big bloggers in the first place?? I know I do!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 4

You know it's funny how you never notice something and then all of a sudden you see it everywhere - that's how it has been with this quote - I had never heard it or heard of Jill Churchill and then came across it on a blog - which I can't remember which one for the life of me and I looked!

Anyway, here it is...

“There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

― Jill Churchill

I feel like this is one of those quotes that every momma needs to hear every now and then - because it is so entirely true! None of us will ever be perfect, but we can all be good - even great - and there isn't one way that we all have to do that! Your way, my way, somewhere in between, they can all be right if they are right for our kids - and that is pretty awesome if you ask me!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 3

My assignment today is to tell you about something that makes me uncomfortable - and it took me a while to decide what to share because it was much easier to come up with the laundry list of things that make me uncomfortable than it was to come up with one thing that I felt qualified to educate others on - but isn't that how it always goes - our minds are so quick with the negative!

Anyway, the first thing making me uncomfortable is this kid in my belly! J/k (but not really) - he is significantly hampering my physical comfort, but for the sake of this post, I'm going a different direction.

The thing that makes me most uncomfortable in life is putting myself out there when I'm not exactly sure of other's expectations of me. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser, it is really hard for me to not know exactly what is expected of me. I like clearly defined roles that I can fill and that I can succeed in. There are no assigned roles in friendships or in blogging - there isn't a parent or teacher or pastor or husband or child to tell me who I am supposed to be or how to act or what is "expected" of me - the freedom is intimidating (this is a big part of why I decided to start blogging - to push myself out of that comfort zone). This year I have really been trying to be okay with being uncomfortable and being myself in all situations, whether or not, who I am is who people want me to be. That may mean that I lose a few friends, but hopefully it will mean that the relationships that do develop and grow will be much better than the ones I had before - since they will be more sincere! Sadly, this fear of being uncomfortable and not pleasing others often makes it really hard to make new friends and I know that it takes a long time for this introvert to come out of her shell - so that others can really get to know me. Once I know you, I'm pretty open and I'm honest to a fault - but until you know me well, you really don't know me at all - and that's a hard spot to be in as a new friend. I often find that people judge me or think that I'm mean or don't want to get to know them or that I think I am better than other people - none of which are true. I'm really just petrified of rejection - and that means that I shut down.

I'm even that way with my own family - none of them know about this blog - none of my friends know about it - and I'm actually really scared of any of them finding out about it and judging me! I know that I want to put myself out there - I know I want to work to develop my voice and share my story - but I also know that it and I are not perfect - that I don't and won't always express myself just how I'd like - that feeling of discomfort - it means I'm growing and growing pains are always worth it in the end!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 2

Today's prompt on Jenni's Blog Every Day in May Challenge is to educate you all on something you know alot about or are good at - in my former life as a bossy "teacher lady" - I did a lot of that, so today - I'm going to do things a little different.

It's funny how much I used to know and how many things I used to be ready, willing, and able to educate others about - whether that be about early childhood education and development, discipline, parenting or the like. I had all the advice one could need and I knew just what to do - I was even ready to write the book - and then what happened?

I actually had a kid of my own - you know the kind that is yours 24/7 and not for 2-8 hours a day...and oh, hmm - things are just a little different on this end. Do I look back and regret the advice I gave? No. Do I think I was wrong or led people astray? No, I actually still think the majority, if not almost all, of the advice I've given parents over the years was good, sound advice - but what I do regret is the attitude I had at the time. Because even if my advice was right and even if I knew and know the "right" things to do - I was super judgmental. I was never rude or open in my judgment, but in my heart I was thinking how easily they could fix issues and how much better of a job I would/could do in their place - I was Judgy McJudgerson! And that was soo wrong, because, most of the time, especially in the community I worked in, these parents genuinely didn't know what to do to help their kids and they were scared of screwing them up, so they did nothing or they tried what they thought was best or what their parents had done and sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't - and they asked for help, or maybe they didn't even know anything was wrong. They looked to me for advice and I was the lady with all answers, yet I really didn't understand how much harder it is to put all of those things into practice in your every day 24/7 life than it is to "know" them and teach them - it's hard to tell your toddler he can't watch TV when you are exhausted and pregnant and all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch all day - it's hard to be consistent with the discipline when he's screaming in the store/restaurant/park/etc. and everyone is looking at you - it's hard to play trains for the 80,000th time in the last two days! - it's hard to feel like you are doing things right when you face tantrums at every turn.

So, today I'm supposed to educate you on something I know or something I'm good at, and in the past that would always have been something educational or something about childrearing - but instead I'm glad to not be the expert today - I'm glad that I'm not the one who has to have all the answers. So, I'm not going to educate you - I'm going to share in your struggle to raise your kids up right. I'm going to share that I'm still learning and that when it comes to kids - you never know it all! You have to let them educate you just as much as you educate them - you have to love them as hard as you can - and you have to filter through all the advice from the mom down the road who has it all together, the other mom who as far as you see has nothing together, and from that nosey/bossy teacher/nanny/kid who thinks she has it all figured out (because she might actually have something valid to add and even if she doesn't - she really does have good intentions even if she is a bit naive) and you have to use your child as your guide and determine what fits and what doesn't.

The biggest thing that I really want us all to know and embrace is that judging each other for our differences doesn't do our kids any good. Picking on those who do things differently only teaches our children that it is ok to hate what is different. Our world claims that it is for tolerance, yet the "mommy wars" rage about things like how we feed our babies and how to care for them and teach them - and that is just sad and silly. There are some absolutes and we should stand for what we believe in and support the things that are best for all children - because our kids can't advocate for themselves - but judging others won't change their minds or their hearts. I still struggle with judging other parents - I struggle as I see kids that aren't getting what they need developmentally or parents who don't think things apply to them - and I want to "educate" them all on how they should be doing things - but instead I'm learning how not to be the "teacher lady" and how not to boss other people's kids around and while it's hard - sometimes it's good to be the student and to be the one getting the education instead of giving it. I'm sure my time to teach will come again, and I'll have a little more credibility to back me up this time, but the biggest change will be that whether I agree or disagree - I know now that it's not my place to judge - even if you're wrong!  ;)

90 days...

There are a lot of things that one can do in 90 days, but one I hadn't considered prior to about 2 months ago - was reading the Bible cover to cover. This summer, I joined a Bible study with a group of ladies online through Good Morning Girls and Kayse. It was a great time studying Proverbs 31 and learning how to be a better wife and mother - although I seemed to fail more than succeed at those lofty goals. After we completed that study, we decided that we wanted to do something with a little more reading from the Bible. The GMG study really only had 2-3 verses each day and then we talked and meditated on those ideas. So, we moved on to the lofty goal of reading the Bible in 90 days!

Man oh man, you would not believe how much harder this has been than I would have even guessed. Many of us had never read through the Bible before, even though many of us had also been raised in the church and been Christians most of our lives. It said at the beginning that it would be 45-60 minutes of reading a day and while that is ambitious, we also discovered things to help, like an app on the phone that allows you to keep track of the reading plan and listen to the Bible in a few different translations. This has helped, but it is still so hard to keep up and many of us have fallen behind, only to work hard to catch up, and then fall behind yet again. It has been a vicious cycle, with the enemy whispering to all of us along the way - "you can't do this"...."just give up"....."you should have known better than to try something soo difficult"..."you'll never catch up." And other hurdles, like sick babies and toddlers, like a child who always slept during your commute so you could listen to the word who now stays awake the entire time clamoring for music, and many other struggles - not the least of which is motivation. This is and has been a difficult climb and rather than feeling encouraged, we are all trudging up the mountainside feeling as though we will never reach the peak. One member catches up, and others only feel worse to admit how far behind they are, yet this is ridiculous!

It has been just over 50 days and I am currently reading in Isaiah. That means that in a little less than 2 months I have read 22 books of the Bible, other group members are feeling discouraged to still be in Psalms or Proverbs or Ecclesiastes - but really when you stop to think that even reading 19 books of the Bible in less than 2 months is an amazing feat! One that I had never even considered attempting prior to joining this group. So, for all the days that it feels monotonous, that it feels like you will never reach the goal, that you just aren't doing enough - remember that life, Christianity, motherhood, all of it - it is about the journey. It is about doing your best along the path and sometimes messing up or falling behind, but always learning and always growing. Reading the Bible, even in 90 days, isn't about getting through it and reaching the destination (as I am often guilty of only focusing on the end result - rather than the journey) - it is about hiding the Lord's word in our hears. It is about knowing God and the message that He has given us, just a little bit better. It is about remaining steadfast in the face of a difficult goal and knowing that while I may not be able to do it alone - I can do all things through Christ!

too fast

I cannot even begin to process and understand how quickly this has all happened. Like some others I know and/or read out there I spent years wishing my life away. I couldn't wait for this or that next step to start, so I could get on with it and "start my life already." I wish somewhere along the way I would have realized that this is my life. I didn't need to rush my way through high school and college and my grad degree. I didn't need to be in such a rush with past relationships - I ended up exactly where I needed to be and with exactly who I needed in God's timing - definitely not my own.

Now, I still struggle with wishing for the next step to just be here already my life away (if I'm really honest) - I still find myself wishing this school year would be over - wishing we would be through with making all these life-altering decisions - wishing that we would know where we were going to live and to have just moved there already and be settled (somewhere, anywhere, oh to be settled!). These have been years of change which has been very difficult for this controlling girl who loves her structure and routine. God has shown me over and over that I am not in control - yet it's still a struggle to let go even placing things in His hands, which I know are far more competent than my own.

At the same time, Owen makes me wish I could stop time in it's tracks. He makes me want to press pause/rewind even and do it all over and over again. I can't even begin to express how much I love this kid. I couldn't wait to be a mommy. I spent my whole life pushing through everything else - wanting to just get through it so that I could get RIGHT here, yet now that I'm here it's going too fast! Motherhood, I'm learning, is learning to swim in a sea of contradictions. I'm not letting him cry enough...or too much. I'm feeding him too much...or too little. I'm holding him too much...or too little. I just can't seem to find the right balance between what I thought I would do and what others think I should do and what my baby is telling me he wants/needs. It seems for every voice saying that something I am doing or thinking is right there are three others telling me how harmful it is. I suppose this is how it will always be - there is no perfect equation - no right answer - only everyone doing everything that they know to figure it out and do it right. I hate how as much as I worry about doing things wrong and the judgement of others, but the reason I worry so much about being judged it that I am so darn judgmental.  I read blogs about all kinds of parents and I judge that they are too attachment or not attachment enough. I struggle so deeply with my own perfectionism that I project it onto others - as if because I don't know that none of us are perfect. I've always thought of my expectations in levels. I expect perfection from myself and in an act of "generosity" I expect slightly less than perfection out of everyone else. I allow them mistakes more than myself, but I still feel like others should feel that same self-imposed pressure that I do to perform.

It took me a long time to realize that as much as I don't think of myself as a proud person - in fact, I'm quite self-conscious - that perfectionism is a manifestation of pride. Really, I think I am soo great that I can do what only God can do...I am so amazing that I'm the only creation capable of achieving perfection...I am so much better than others that I couldn't possibly hold them to the same standards as myself. No wonder, I don't have any friends. Who wants to be under all that pressure all the time? Who wants to be friends with someone who expects the best from herself but a sub-par performance from others? How genuine can my encouragement or praise feel when I was beating myself up for a similar (possibly better) performance when it was my turn? Lord, help me to have Your standards and to leave the judgement to You. Help me to strive to bring You glory and to do my best - whatever my best is. Help me to appreciate others who do the same. Help me to be a genuine encouragement and source of strength and support to others; rather than a set of impossibly high expectations and pressure to perform.

Well, this was all over the place, but as it's been said many times and ways if you want to be a writer...write. Someday, I want to be good at this. To say what I really mean and think and feel. To be understood without repeated repetition and adaptation that goes on until I, myself, am unsure of what I intended to say. So, I'm going to write. I want to be more outgoing and share myself with others so I will. I just can't promise perfection (or even to be good at it) - I've always quit things I didn't excel at immediately and I don't want that for Owen - so it's time to make the changes instead of just talking about them. It's time to do this instead of talking about it, or trying to be secretive and hope people I know won't find it. It's time to be real and honor God's creation in me instead of allowing fear (read: the devil) to scare me into hiding my light.