Lost and found

Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself? Just a little bit? With an energetic toddler and a newborn in the house -  who I am and who I want to be often seems to get lost in the shuffle - the shuffle of nursing and potty training and runny noses. You find your identity through them and with them and in spite of them in all the best and the worst ways.

Today is my birthday and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea how old I am turning - sure when I take the time to do the math - I will find that I am now 27 - but I'm really not sure how that has happened, how I am ten years out from the girl entering her senior year if high school - about to embark into worlds she had never known. The last age I remember turning was 25 - and I remember being disappointed that my "golden" birthday (25 on the 25th) wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I'm sure that J made the next better as he knew that I had been hurt, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the love that was shown on each of those days, but my life is such that I have no recollection of those days - or why I was hurt or happy - I am no longer the priority - I have no grand plans for what I should have for myself - and you know what - it's supposed to be that way. 

These are the years of babies who need me to be their everything - these are the years that I'm building their identities and showing them who they should be - and if who I am has to be on hold for a little while so that I can do that - then that is fine with me.  I'm not using it as a cop-out or an excuse not to better myself or grow - I am working to better myself and to grow, but I'm working to be better for them rather than for me. I'm reading up on parenting and spirited children and personalities and raising boys and I'm trying to study and grow in the Lord to be a better mother. Not to compete in a Pinterest world, but to provide them with memories that will last a lifetime - to be a better example of a woman of God (so that they know what to look for in a girlfriend and a wife), to be a light so that they will see and know God's love through me. 

I want them to see themselves through His eyes and to grow to be men after His heart - and in order to do that - as there is only so little time in a day, in a childhood, and in a lifetime - who I was has to be abandoned - who I used to be has been lost, but who I am becoming - the me I am finding as I travel through the fog of too little sleep, too many dirty diapers, and just enough grace - is who I believe I was always meant to be. It is only through losing yourself and letting go of the reins that you will find who He has always hoped you will be. And she might not be someone you recognize in the mirror, but in your heart you will find that as you become their shelter - you have found your way home. 

Owen - on your second birthday

Owen,

My oldest, my firstborn, the child who made me a mother and taught me all about a new kind of love - you constantly astound me with your strength, your intelligence, your will, but most of all with your heart. Today, you are two years old - you are speaking in sentences that get longer and clearer each day, you love and protect your brother in ways that I couldn't even begin to imagine or hope for before you made them a reality. You are such an amazing little boy, and you are just that, a little boy - each and every day you are less my baby and more boy - and it is breaking my heart into pieces - both with sadness at the loss of the baby that you were and with pride and joy at the boy that you are becoming. My love for you grows each day at a rate that even you can't keep up with - although you are growing far more quickly than I'd like and soon I will no longer be able to fit you neatly in my arms - so I will soak up all the time I can holding you, carrying you, cuddling you, and loving you every way that I know how. 

They say that two is terrible and I've heard tell that three is worse, but I'm not going to accept that for us my dear boy. You are just so sweet and loving and smart - and sure you are testing each and every boundary that you reach, but together we are going to navigate this time successfully and we are going to make sure this time is joyous rather than frustrating. 

So, here is to embracing boyhood and all the messy and sticky and stinky and beautiful bits of it! I can't wait to see what you have in store for me next! 

Love you more than words can say!

Mom