Happy Labor Day

Well, here we are - yet another holiday home alone with the kids - and I'm sure we're not the only ones - but just for fun let's discuss how we got here...

The week before last was rough...J worked late Thursday getting home around 9 then Friday he got stuck on another case and got home just after 8 - then he was on call Saturday worked regular days getting home between 5-6 Monday and Tuesday then call again Wednesday - and we were SOO looking forward to post-call Thursday and J had taken Friday off - so J was going to have 5 days off in a row - and we needed it after the last week! 

Then - guess what?! - an email went out Wednesday afternoon saying that - due to some scheduling snafus - the "junior" fellow needed backup support and wasn't ready to work completely alone and there was a big case Friday that need a more senior fellow - so the guy post-call would need to stay and do it...the wording of the email didn't exactly ask J to come in, but it sort of made it clear that he was really needed! So, of course, since we weren't planning on leaving town, we decided that J should go in to help and be available as backup for the weekend. 

We offered for him to work Friday so the post-call fellow could go home - then, and I'm not sure how this happened in the conversation, but the schedule for the whole weekend was reworked and J ended up on call today. Whatever, stinks, but we are used to it, not that big of a deal, and we were promised a different long weekend for helping out - great! 

So, we were a little bummed, but we had a normal weekend and J kissed me goodbye and was off to work this morning like normal and I went back to sleep - only unlike normal - this morning I got a call at 5:40 - J had stopped at 7-11 for an energy drink and the car key had broken off in the door! Are you kidding me? So, he needed me to come get him and bring him to work - now this was no easy feat with a two year old and a three month old. 

I lumbered out of bed and got dressed - changed diapers and dressed the boys and headed out. By the time we got to daddy at about 6 - both boys were thoroughly awake and crying. Then Noah decided he was hungry and proceeded to cry the entire 20 minute drive to take daddy to work - we were able to nurse in the parking garage before heading home - so Noah fell asleep full and happy, but by that point there was no getting Owen back to sleep. Now, here we are 3 hours later - on the day that feels like it may never end - and naptime just may happen by 10am - although Noah has been asleep for two hours - so I'm sure he'll be up as soon as Owen is down - no naps for Mama! It's going to be a couple of cups of coffee morning!

Such is life as a doctor's wife - hope everyone else is having a better holiday than I am! With or without your other halves!

Sick and alone...

So, it's been another month and here we are with Medical Mondays again - I have LOVED participating in this blog hop and finding so many new blogs to read and follow - I haven't been fantastic about leaving comments, but I am working on getting better with that! If you're here from MM - welcome! SO glad to have you here! I'm Jessica, mom to Owen (21 months) and soon to be mom to Noah (34 weeks in my tummy), and wife to J - a first year ped. surgery fellow here in the Midwest! Feel free to look around and stay a while - we are always looking to make new friends!

One thing that I didn't realize would be coming when I married my then resident and now fellow was all of the travelling. I knew he'd be on call and all of that, but I didn't realize we'd spend months on end with him off interviewing for fellowships, weeks away for board review courses and tests, and the conferences that seem to be happening far too often. Now, I see some of the other wives and families totally taking advantage of these conferences and heading off with their med. spouses and making a family trip out of it (which we plan to do with the next one in October) - but that isn't always feasible - I mean, I am 34 weeks pregnant!

Anyway, this last week - J was away at another one of these conferences - he left our house at about 4am Wednesday morning and returned home at 11pm last night - and now for the kicker - he's on call today! LOVELY! I guess we'll see him tomorrow! So, enough with setup already - let's get to the sick and alone part....

It seems inevitable that with as much as J is gone - he's not going to be around when some a lot of things happen. Last year, when he was away what I'm pretty sure was this same conference - although it could have been another - Owen and I contracted some HORRIBLE stomach virus and we were both down for the count. It was completely terrifying watching my 9 month old throwing up over and over scared, because he didn't understand what was wrong with his body - and being so sick myself that at one point - I just threw up on the carpet right on top of the baby vomit I was attempting to clean up! I convinced J to stay at his conference (we couldn't afford a last minute flight home anyway) and we eked through the week, survived the terrible tummy bug, and managed to be mostly better by the time daddy got home (although clearly didn't rid the house of the germs well enough because J got whatever we had the day after he got home!).

So, this year - J was prepared - especially knowing how far along I would be in this pregnancy - he went off to his conference and he made sure that his mom would come visit us for the weekend - so we wouldn't be alone. Unfortunately, he was right to have worried! Wednesday morning I woke up with a killer migraine and you really can't take anything but Tylenol while pregnant - so that didn't help much - thankfully Owen's Cars obsession saved me and allowed us to spend most of the day cuddled up on the couch watching both movies in the dark - by midday Thursday I was feeling much better - I chalked it up to Murphy's Law that I/we only seem to get sick when J is 1/2 a country away, but we made it through - with some convincing again that J didn't need to come home as his mom was coming in Friday afternoon.

My MIL arrived and we were able to spend the rest of the weekend getting lots of freezer meals prepped for when Noah arrives and doing some other prep - but of course my migraine wasn't the end of the "my-hubby-is-away-and-couldn't-possibly-get-back-to-help" drama! Saturday night I started having contractions - more than just a little minor Braxton Hicks tightening, but not super bad either - I had quite a few while we were out to dinner and called J to let him know (effectively ruining his evening and scaring the poo out of him) and I went home to chug some water and lay down - contractions subsided and baby is still in there baking away - but I'm fairly certain that J doesn't plan on leaving us at home and going to any more conferences any time soon! Although, I seem to do the same to him when he's on call too and he can't really avoid that (if you haven't read Owen's birth story - J was on call when I went into labor last time and had to scramble in the middle of the night to get someone else to the hospital).

How about you? Does everything seem to fall apart when your spouse leaves town or is on call? It seems like in this house - if something is going to go wrong, it will only happen when it is impossible for J to help/be there!

Kihs...sih?

A few weeks ago at bedtime, J called to say goodnight and of course O got all excited thinking daddy was coming, but after a little reminder that daddy had to work and sleep at the hospital today Owen responded "kihs" (kids) and I said “yea daddy has to help the kids” and he said "sih" because we generally tell him that daddy has to help the sick kids I agreed that yes daddy has to help the sick kids and he immediately calmed down said hi and bye kissed the phone and was ready to go to sleep - and it broke my heart, just a little bit.

"Night-night, daddy" - waving at the phone

Here's the thing, and I acknowledge that what I'm about to admit makes me officially the WORST human being alive, but sometimes I find it hard to be quite as understanding and compassionate as my son- sometimes I resent J's job and the time it takes from our family and then - then I remember that essentially I'm resenting kids for being sick enough to need surgery - and bam, there I am "worst person in the world" territory. Yet, even though I know in my head how vital it is that J is available for his patients, my selfishness and jealousy still seem to rear their ugly heads – especially when I'm tired and cranky or sick or it's just too many days in a row of practically every other day call - or when J goes in anyway even though he is off because there is a complicated case that one of the research fellows can't do. Then, I find myself frustrated and angry that it's always all about work (J does care about his patients, but I know he loves us and doesn't have things out of balance) It’s just hard. The thing is – in his job – his time, his knowledge, his ability, his presence – it can be the difference between life and death, and how do you compete with that.

My cranky, lazy pregnant butt that doesn’t want to get up and cook dinner or that wants a break from chasing the toddler around – that doesn’t beat out the panicked parent waiting to hear how their preemie is doing on ECMO or how their 6 year old did in surgery, etc. J spends all day every day in the world of most parent’s worst nightmares – and he is one of the people working to make it a little less of a nightmare – and that is amazing…and it takes a tremendous amount of strength that I know that I don’t have. Yet, my selfish heart struggles with daddy not being home for dinner, or feeling lonely. I know that the way I feel is a natural human response. I married a man that I wanted to spend my life with -- and a lot of that life is spent without him. It just looks exceedingly more selfish when what is taking him away is soo selfLESS. I mean, if he was off being a lawyer for some sleazy client and worked these hours, no one would question my struggle with being sweet and understanding about it – but that’s not who or where we are.

God is guiding me, teaching me, leading me. He is letting me know that HE is always here and I can always rely on Him. Because let’s be honest, there are kids and families out there that just plain NEED J more than we do and that will always be the case. Their needs have to come before my wants. I’m not saying this to be a martyr or complain – it just is, and I’m trying to grow through it and remind myself that while it is hard – it is his ministry to serve these families in need and it is my ministry to support him in that and to raise these boys of ours to know what an amazing man their father is – to teach them to look up to him and aspire to be like him – and I can’t do that if I’m pouting and complaining that other wives get to spend more time with their hubbies. I can’t do that if I’m mad at him for going back in to help someone who needs it. I, just plain, can’t do that without God, because without God, it is natural and easy to grumble and complain and believe that everyone else has it better, but to be honest – we have it pretty gosh darn amazing right here! We are beyond phenomenally blessed – with health and love and safety and pretty much everything that we could want and definitely everything that we need.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the eyes of a child (my child) that caring for others it what it’s all about – that loving J means supporting him fully without complaint – that You have called us to such a time as this and that I need to rise to the occasion rather than allow the devil to bind me with his lies that I “deserve” more or different. Because the wages of sin are death – so that is what my sinful, selfish heart deserves – but instead I’m blessed with an amazing husband who would do anything for me, an equally awesome son who amazes me each and every day, another on the way who is sure to rock my socks off too, and more blessings than I can count. Thank you, Lord! 

Medical Monday

I found a medical bloghop - I am sooo excited to have finally found a way to connect with other med families - whether those in med school, residency, fellowship (like J - the hubby), or in practice where ever and whatever specialties! I am just thrilled to connect with those in all parts of the journey.

A little quick overview of where we are in this whole med. life journey: J is in his first year of a 2 year fellowship in surgery for kiddos here in the Midwest, after a 6 year residency in gen. surgery back in the desert (where we met). I thankfully didn't have to be a part of the med school journey and got to jump in when I met J during his second year of residency. After a little break during his research year, we got together and then were engaged and married in 2010. Back in the desert, I was a Kindergarten teacher in a low income school district. We had our first son in August of 2011 at the beginning of J's chief year and then moved here to start fellowship when Owen was 10 months old (He's now 19 mo. and we are currently 25 weeks pregnant with baby boy #2 - who is due this June and will be named Noah). Adjusting after this transition has been hard, since all my family was back in the desert, but we only have about 16 more months of training before this whole training process is DONE and J will be able to start practicing! This blog is mostly about my life at home with Owen (soon to be starting preschool homeschool), dealing with minimal daddy/hubby time, and making it work (on a budget)! This life can be isolating at times and it's hard when the friends you make just don't quite get it, so I am thrilled to get to know you all!