too fast

I cannot even begin to process and understand how quickly this has all happened. Like some others I know and/or read out there I spent years wishing my life away. I couldn't wait for this or that next step to start, so I could get on with it and "start my life already." I wish somewhere along the way I would have realized that this is my life. I didn't need to rush my way through high school and college and my grad degree. I didn't need to be in such a rush with past relationships - I ended up exactly where I needed to be and with exactly who I needed in God's timing - definitely not my own.

Now, I still struggle with wishing for the next step to just be here already my life away (if I'm really honest) - I still find myself wishing this school year would be over - wishing we would be through with making all these life-altering decisions - wishing that we would know where we were going to live and to have just moved there already and be settled (somewhere, anywhere, oh to be settled!). These have been years of change which has been very difficult for this controlling girl who loves her structure and routine. God has shown me over and over that I am not in control - yet it's still a struggle to let go even placing things in His hands, which I know are far more competent than my own.

At the same time, Owen makes me wish I could stop time in it's tracks. He makes me want to press pause/rewind even and do it all over and over again. I can't even begin to express how much I love this kid. I couldn't wait to be a mommy. I spent my whole life pushing through everything else - wanting to just get through it so that I could get RIGHT here, yet now that I'm here it's going too fast! Motherhood, I'm learning, is learning to swim in a sea of contradictions. I'm not letting him cry enough...or too much. I'm feeding him too much...or too little. I'm holding him too much...or too little. I just can't seem to find the right balance between what I thought I would do and what others think I should do and what my baby is telling me he wants/needs. It seems for every voice saying that something I am doing or thinking is right there are three others telling me how harmful it is. I suppose this is how it will always be - there is no perfect equation - no right answer - only everyone doing everything that they know to figure it out and do it right. I hate how as much as I worry about doing things wrong and the judgement of others, but the reason I worry so much about being judged it that I am so darn judgmental.  I read blogs about all kinds of parents and I judge that they are too attachment or not attachment enough. I struggle so deeply with my own perfectionism that I project it onto others - as if because I don't know that none of us are perfect. I've always thought of my expectations in levels. I expect perfection from myself and in an act of "generosity" I expect slightly less than perfection out of everyone else. I allow them mistakes more than myself, but I still feel like others should feel that same self-imposed pressure that I do to perform.

It took me a long time to realize that as much as I don't think of myself as a proud person - in fact, I'm quite self-conscious - that perfectionism is a manifestation of pride. Really, I think I am soo great that I can do what only God can do...I am so amazing that I'm the only creation capable of achieving perfection...I am so much better than others that I couldn't possibly hold them to the same standards as myself. No wonder, I don't have any friends. Who wants to be under all that pressure all the time? Who wants to be friends with someone who expects the best from herself but a sub-par performance from others? How genuine can my encouragement or praise feel when I was beating myself up for a similar (possibly better) performance when it was my turn? Lord, help me to have Your standards and to leave the judgement to You. Help me to strive to bring You glory and to do my best - whatever my best is. Help me to appreciate others who do the same. Help me to be a genuine encouragement and source of strength and support to others; rather than a set of impossibly high expectations and pressure to perform.

Well, this was all over the place, but as it's been said many times and ways if you want to be a writer...write. Someday, I want to be good at this. To say what I really mean and think and feel. To be understood without repeated repetition and adaptation that goes on until I, myself, am unsure of what I intended to say. So, I'm going to write. I want to be more outgoing and share myself with others so I will. I just can't promise perfection (or even to be good at it) - I've always quit things I didn't excel at immediately and I don't want that for Owen - so it's time to make the changes instead of just talking about them. It's time to do this instead of talking about it, or trying to be secretive and hope people I know won't find it. It's time to be real and honor God's creation in me instead of allowing fear (read: the devil) to scare me into hiding my light.