It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Reflect: five minute Friday

 His blue eyes sparkle back at me, a glint of rebellion, a shimmer of excitement, a challenge - his love is infectious, this boy of mine, but his will is a challenge all it's own.

In him, God shows me reflections of myself - reflections of who I have been and who I still sometimes am - even now I often stand before a loving Father - just like a petulant toddler, insistent that I know better than He, that my way is surely the best way! And He gently leads me to follow His will rather than mine. Through His love and His grace He guides and He softens this stubborn will of mine. 

May my parenting of him be a reflection of the way He has guided and taught me! May he see a reflection of God through me just as I see a reflection of myself through him! May I continue to learn through these parallels of parent to child and my Heavenly Father to me - and always strive to parent more like Him! May we both not only survive this time of toddler tantrums and tears, but come out on the other side both a better reflection of our Creator - after all, we were made in His image and what better image could we reflect unto the world!

 

Lost and found

Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself? Just a little bit? With an energetic toddler and a newborn in the house -  who I am and who I want to be often seems to get lost in the shuffle - the shuffle of nursing and potty training and runny noses. You find your identity through them and with them and in spite of them in all the best and the worst ways.

Today is my birthday and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea how old I am turning - sure when I take the time to do the math - I will find that I am now 27 - but I'm really not sure how that has happened, how I am ten years out from the girl entering her senior year if high school - about to embark into worlds she had never known. The last age I remember turning was 25 - and I remember being disappointed that my "golden" birthday (25 on the 25th) wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I'm sure that J made the next better as he knew that I had been hurt, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the love that was shown on each of those days, but my life is such that I have no recollection of those days - or why I was hurt or happy - I am no longer the priority - I have no grand plans for what I should have for myself - and you know what - it's supposed to be that way. 

These are the years of babies who need me to be their everything - these are the years that I'm building their identities and showing them who they should be - and if who I am has to be on hold for a little while so that I can do that - then that is fine with me.  I'm not using it as a cop-out or an excuse not to better myself or grow - I am working to better myself and to grow, but I'm working to be better for them rather than for me. I'm reading up on parenting and spirited children and personalities and raising boys and I'm trying to study and grow in the Lord to be a better mother. Not to compete in a Pinterest world, but to provide them with memories that will last a lifetime - to be a better example of a woman of God (so that they know what to look for in a girlfriend and a wife), to be a light so that they will see and know God's love through me. 

I want them to see themselves through His eyes and to grow to be men after His heart - and in order to do that - as there is only so little time in a day, in a childhood, and in a lifetime - who I was has to be abandoned - who I used to be has been lost, but who I am becoming - the me I am finding as I travel through the fog of too little sleep, too many dirty diapers, and just enough grace - is who I believe I was always meant to be. It is only through losing yourself and letting go of the reins that you will find who He has always hoped you will be. And she might not be someone you recognize in the mirror, but in your heart you will find that as you become their shelter - you have found your way home. 

Birth plans...and when things don't happen according to plan

So, birth plans...ha! I laugh in the face of birth plans - or at least my children laugh in my face for thinking I could plan their births.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the idea of birth that I have in my head and how things are supposed to go and how smooth and gentle and natural. How calm - breathing through contractions - pushing and working hard, of course, but still beautiful - and I'm sure highly "hollywoodized." Except, it isn't just Hollywood promoting this beautiful birth picture in my head, that might actually be easier to press aside, it's my dad telling me all these Christian things about how I don't have to feel any pain and how I'm delivered from that and I need to have faith in God and so on and so forth - on one hand I want to say "dude, you are a dude - you aren't allowed to have an opinion here" and on the other it's really hard not to feel like I'm letting him down, like I'm not strong enough or I don't have enough faith to believe for the healing that he so believes for - and there really are women who say that it was all smooth and easy, etc. Then on top of that, you have the idea and fact that my mom had very healthy pregnancies and had both my brother and sister at home with a midwife - so that was my plan and ideal growing up - I was born in the hospital, but that was "due to the midwife rupturing membranes too soon and my parents not listening to the prompting of the Spirit to wait" - I was good with that idea - I was good with childbirth being hard but natural and beautiful and almost spiritual. This is the same ideal promoted by midwives and the "crunchy" and the naturally minded - "women have been doing this on their own in fields for thousands of years and getting up and getting to work...." And so on and so forth.

Yet, things haven't worked out for me that way in the birthing and pregnancy department - you can read/reread Owen's birth story here - things just don't always look the way you see them in your head - and I'm trying to cope with that and my vastly different reality without embracing/claiming it as MY fault or feeling badly about how I'm not strong enough or healthy enough or how I don't have enough faith. I'm really, really struggling with that and how to think about it and what the right perspective should be (although I do think it is a sign of a healthy grip on postpartum emotions that I am able to articulate this struggle). It's just hard when things don't go the way we hope they will - although I need to say that I know how completely and entirely blessed we are that things worked out as well as they did and that we all came out of the experience healthy and strong with no serious problems or issues! I'm working on writing up Noah's birth story and will post part one tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful of this space for the last month - but I've been focusing on my little family and enjoying J's time off (we saved his vacation so he could have 2 weeks off after Noah arrived and it was amazing having him home and then my parents were here for two weeks after that), but now we are starting to get into more of a routine and get the little issues we've head under control, so I should be back here more regularly from now on! Thanks for your congratulations and support and for sticking around while I disappeared for a while!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 30

Challenge Day 30: React to this term: Letting Go

Each new chapter begins by bringing an end to the one before. Welcoming this new little family of four means saying goodbye to the family of three that we used to be. Tuesday night, when I got the call that they had found protein in my urine I wasn't ready - I wasn't ready to let go and say goodbye to my family of three. I was supposed to have another week - I was supposed to have a plan - and a last date before things changed. I was supposed to have a special weekend with Owen doing all his favorite things and saying goodbye to being just Owen's mom. Then in a moment - that was entirely unexpected - I was packing and making calls and doing all the last minute things to be at the hospital only hours later. I didn't get to have time to say my long, sweet goodbye - my life as I knew it was going to change - and it was going to change fast. And I, I am not good with change. I like plans and order and slow easy transitions that I can prepare for - but thankfully, I am not the one in charge - God is and He knows far better than I do what we need and the right timing for everything. He knew that it was time to let go and it was time to pull the bandaid on our life and what it used to be.

And guys, I'm so glad that He's in charge instead of me, letting go of who we were was the best thing I have ever done - and we have to let go in order to free our hands to embrace all the new, amazing things He has in store for us. I am so in love with being a mom of two, I am so in love with my new little boy, and the big brother that I know Owen will be. This new life that He create for us is so much better than any life I could have created for us - and I'm so glad that I let go of the old to embrace the new.

Quick Update: We are still in the hospital and I am off of the IV meds, but blood pressure is still too high - and went up a little after the IV meds were out of my system, so we are looking to get those under control tonight. Noah is doing fantastic, he's really figuring out nursing (nursed every hour last night - which mommy did not appreciate), and he's looking really good - we've dealt with a few little issues, but strong and healthy and with us - so that's exactly what we were praying for. Owen is loving his time with "Gpa" and doesn't particularly like this new "baby brother thing" we keep showing him and keeps telling us "all done" and "no touch" when we try to show him Noah - he let Noah get a little closer tonight than last night, but we'll get there. Daddy is great, but sleepy - looking forward to all of us spending the next two weeks together building our new little family! Once we're home and settled I'll write up Noah's whole birth story out - I still don't quite believe the way things all played out.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 25

Challenge Day 25: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)

Unrelated photo - but the only HS pics I have easy access to are from Prom, so here you are!

When you go to a high school with less than 100 people in your graduating class and then you factor in social status levels and interests and all of that - the dating pool isn't really all that large - even if you expand to the grade above or below there still aren't that many options - so for this reason - my group of friends and several other groups of friends in my school were fairly "incestuous" - meaning there was no "girl code" or "guy code" dictating that you don't date a friends ex - if someone hasn't dated one of your friends it was a rare occurrence - and we would all often find ourselves interested in the same boys. 

Anyway, there was a certain group of boys that was at the same social level as my group of friends and therefore our groups would tend to associate and inter-date. I can't remember exactly how it came about but there was one boy in the group who never seemed to like me - not that everyone should like me, but he seemed to dislike me specifically, rather than just not like me - as he liked my friends. So, somehow it came about that he did in fact dislike me and I wasn't just crazy - and I asked him why he didn't like me (this is never a good idea and I'm really unsure why I thought it was at the time) anyway - he uttered the words aloud that he never liked me because he believed that I was "deficient in morals." I do not remember anything else that was said in that conversation, nor do I really remember much else about that boy or any interactions that I had had with him - but those words cut me deeply and they are words that I will never forget.

I still can't quite believe that a high school boy would phrase things that way, and at the point that he said that I was still very much a goody-goody - although I was a teenager and I am human, so I did things wrong - but I don't really know what about my 16 year old self would have made him think that about me. I don't maybe I was "deficient in morals" and maybe I completely misunderstand this whole Christianity thing and I still am, but even if it is completely and utterly true - ouch, not the thing you expect to hear by the lockers between classes!

This boy, who is now a man, probably has no recollection of ever saying these words to me or any idea that they cut me so deeply, but as a people pleaser and "goody-goody" Christian girl - I was devastated to know that something about me projected to others that I was immoral and that I didn't have morals.

I know now, that my morals are my own, and that the one one I need to please with them is God - it's up to Him to judge me and not others - but so often as Christians we feel as though we can judge others and who they are and what their relationship with God must be like based on what they look like or how they speak or dress or even how they make us feel (whether or not that has anything to do with them at all)! I want my boys to know that it is never okay to judge others and that we are never capable if knowing what is going on inside of a person between him/her and God - and that really it is none of our business! It is up to us to let our "lights shine" and be an example of God's love to the world - they will have plenty of other opportunities to face judgement and condemnation from all around. 


The thing is we never know which words we speak will stick to a person - which words will define a little piece of them from now on and will always be there in the back of his/her head. It is so easy to pick on others or to be careless or judgmental - never considering a long term impact of our words. Words are powerful and we need to always be aware of that. I'm not rubber, you're not glue, sticks and stones will break our bones, but words - they can really hurt you.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 24

Challenge Day 24: Your top 3 worst traits

So, over the course of the last year I've actually learned a lot more about my three worst traits and how they are actually all related to one another! Each one feeds the others and deepens the problem. I actually wouldn't have claimed the trait that is currently third on my list, but as I've learned more about my top to worst traits - I've learned that they really are all related. Hopefully, the next step will be to do away with them!

So, without further ado, my three worst traits are:

1. Perfectionism

2. Procrastination

3. Pride 

Like I said, until recently, I never would have considered myself a prideful person. I have always known that I was a perfectionist and that I had impossibly high standards for myself - and that it was far easier to forgive others for being human and thus "not perfect" than it was to forgive myself for the same. I always associated this perfectionism with insecurity - rather than pride, but I'm beginning to see the connection. This blog post does a great job of summarizing the Beth Moore book/teaching that I was exposed to this Spring (I really should pick up that book). As for the other traits, it was only this year, that I was shown the connection between my perfectionism problem and my issues with procrastination! I never associated these two traits (in fact, I often wondered how I could actually be both since they seemed so conflicting and counter-intuitive) until I read this post and all of a sudden it all clicked! I often put things off either until I have more time to do a better job, or until I know that I will be capable of doing it well perfectly. This often means that things are done last minute and not done nearly as well as they could have and should have been done, but I always have the excuse that it was done under a time crunch and therefore it shouldn't reflect my actual abilities!

This is getting all ramble-y and I'm probably not making much sense anymore - so I'm heading off to bed! But tell me I'm not the only procrastinating perfectionist out there?! Anyone else? What do you think - is it a pride thing? That one was a bit of a gut check for me when I first heard it...still is actually! Thankfully, I don't have to be perfect, because I have a perfect Heavenly Father - and He will always care for me - and He is made strong in my weakness! I just have to get a little better at accepting that in practice and not just in theory!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 16

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

All in all, I know I've been a bit of a complainer in recent weeks, but my "lot in life" is a pretty darn good one! We have everything that we need and more. We are all healthy and able-bodied - I am married to the best man I know, and my kid is fantastic! Sure, J works almost twice as much as the average American and that is hard - but he has worked similar hours since we met, and when he is here - he is all here and makes us a priority - often at his own expense - so I really don't have room to claim J's job something difficult in my "lot" that I need to overcome - even though it does come with it's own unique challenges.

However, there is something that I've been struggling with and trying to overcome - especially this last year. This life married to a surgeon - and life in general - includes a lot of unknowns - his schedule is irregular and there could always be something that comes up keeping him away for a genuinely good reason. This is hard for me - not having everything all lined up and tied with a bow is hard for me. I am a planner....I like to know what is coming so that I can be prepared. I don't like surprises and I don't like change. Yet, life requires flexibility and an ability to embrace the unknown. That is something that I have never been good at. Now, throughout this pregnancy, we have been faced with unknown after unknown and question after question - all of which received vague non-answers. It seems that each time I go to the doctor I face another "if" and receive no sense of security or answers. I'm hoping that starting these meds will lead to a little more certainty and an ability to plan/determine when things are coming - since I've been told several times now that this pregnancy is most likely ending with an induction - but each time we speak it varies as to when - being anywhere from now to 39 weeks - and that is a big difference, especially with a toddler who I have to prepare for a new brother and who needs to be taken care of when I am in the hospital.

This has been the year in which I have had to learn that I don't always know the plan, and I don't always get to have all the answers - but I need to step forward in faith and continue on "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." {Jer. 29:11} He knows what He's doing and His plan is better than mine could ever be - so maybe sometimes a little bit of the unknown is okay and maybe I don't have to have it all figured out - because He does!

Blog Every Day in May - Day 14

Challenge Day 14: Ten things that make you really happy

I'm not going to take up a spot on my list for it, but I am crazy proud that I have kept this up so far! 14 days in and I've blogged and posted every day - with the right prompt on the right day and everything! I can't even believe I've gotten this far with everything else going on! Go Me!

1. My faith - my faith gives my joy in all circumstances - I may not be happy in every moment, but I can always have joy in my spirit!
2. My family - immediate and extended - just look at these guys! How could these faces not make your heart smile! 
3. My friends - near and far/old and new - I'm really seeing the blessing of friendship in my life this year and it makes me happy to cultivate these relationships (although I could be doing more to foster these relationships and I need to make them more of a priority going forward!)
4. My health (and my families) - sure - I'm dealing with blood pressure issues and it's annoying and inconvenient, but Noah is doing great and overall my family and I are so blessed and amazingly healthy! Praise the Lord! 
5. Lemonade Dreamsicles - there is a local ice cream shop that makes these delicious milkshakes with lemonade sherbet and vanilla ice cream and I'm not sure what else, but they ae fantastic and always make me grin!
6. Chocolate - no explanation needed!
7. Bubble baths with books/blogs to read - again, no explanation needed!
8. Sunshine - this desert girl was going crazy this winter, back home you can be outside most of the year  and I missed that desperately during this never-ending winter!
9. Dr. Pepper 10 - J recommended it and I was like eww Diet Dr. Pepper is gross, but this stuff is pretty darn yummy and feels likes treat without actually being that bad!
10. Project Life and blogging - I haven't gotten that far with either one, but I love that I now have two systems to document our lives and preserve our memories! Between hormones and lack of sleep and all of that, my memory is seriously lacking these days and it will be so great to be able to look back in multiple places and see what we were going and how it felt, etc! And that makes me super happy!

Oh, and how cute is this?!

Blog Every Day in May - Day 11

Prompt - sell yourself in 10 words or less.

I am a child of God - saved by grace alone!

It is amazing knowing that those 10 words are all I need to be! 

Blog Every Day in May: Day 7

Day 7 Challenge: The thing(s) you're most afraid of

 I've never been big on being afraid - really of anything - other than emotional stuff like rejection, etc. and I will NOT watch any movie about demons/ghosts/exorcisms or anything like that - I believe in a very real spiritual realm and I just won't open doors to any of that - heck no, techno! Even with my limited experience with fear, I wouldn't say I was ever the reckless stupid type, I've always been more of the cautious goody-goody type and that prevents a lot of reckless/stupid - not all, but a lot. Anyway, I was the baby playing with spiders and lizards in the backyard - always the Daddy's girl - and I know my mom and even my brother called me to catch many a bug growing up. I'm not afraid of snakes or really of heights or anything like that, but since becoming a mom - the thing I am most afraid of...like so afraid of I can barely type it "out loud"....is dying - especially dying young. 

I know that this is a common fear, but it's one that has been entirely new to me. I grew up knowing that being "absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord" - so I was never scared of dying - sure I was scared that however I died might hurt, but the death part, not so much. Heaven sounded pretty cool and I always felt like when it was my time it would just be my time and so be it. 

Yet, now, things are different. I'm still not scared of dying for myself - I know I'll be "all good" up there - but I'm scared for what it would mean for J and for my kids. Sure, I'm afraid of how we would make it without J, but it scares me more to think how they would suffer without me. Kids without a mom, how J's career would suffer, and how different all of their lives would be. Not to say I'm just soo super awesome and I could never be replaced, but I'm their MOM and you really can't replace that. I have never heard a single person of any age, who had lost their mom, who was not still struggling with it years later - we need our mommas, whether we are 2 or 5 or 22 or 55 - moms are really, really important - and I want to do everything I can to be here for these boogers and their daddy for a good, long time! I know that I am not in control and that God is, and that there is nothing I can do to change whatever there is to come - but there really is nothing that scares me more than leaving my family behind and the aftermath of that pain. I have faith that if anything were to ever happen to me that God would give my boys/men the strength to carry on and He would protect them and give them the love and support they needed from a plethora of sources - I just don't want them to ever have to know that reality. 

Wow, that was kinda a yucky, deep, bummer of a post --- scroll on down and enjoy some ultrasound cuteness to lighten the mood! 

I love you boys (and J) and I thank and praise the Lord for each and every day of my life with you!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 6

Day 6 of the Challenge: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

What do I do? All of last summer I struggled with this exact question - now that I wasn't a teacher anymore and I was just a stay-at-home mom - what do I say when people ask what I do?? I was worried that people would think less of me now that I was no longer teaching, especially since I was leaving a job in an urban (read 'high-poverty') school so I could now just be a lazy middle class mom. Although, I knew then and I know now that I am not a "lazy middle-class mom" and I know that the "lazy" stay-at-home mom is a myth (or if she exists I haven't found her - because I'd like to know the secret! *wink, wink*) - but it was still a fear of mine that people would think that - just like I worry about how I'll be judged as a "blogger" - not that I think I qualify as one yet.

I do the things we all do - I cook, I clean, I wrangle a two silly dogs and a crazy toddler - all while growing a giant baby in my belleh. But those aren't the things that define me - although they do use a significant portion of my time. 

I love, I cuddle, I teach - in a more profound way than I ever did as a teacher, and I learn more from my kid than I would have ever thought possible. I am learning about love and life and patience. I am learning about God and parenting and teaching others. I am even learning about myself - I am also putting myself out there in new and different ways that I never did before. I am becoming more myself and more of who I want to be and that excites me - I want my babies to see their mom as fearless and brave - I want them to know that if they want to try something then that is exactly what they should do - TRY. 

So, what do I do? I try - I try to do it, I try to do more, I try to do less, but I always keep trying and for now - I'm good with that!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 2

Today's prompt on Jenni's Blog Every Day in May Challenge is to educate you all on something you know alot about or are good at - in my former life as a bossy "teacher lady" - I did a lot of that, so today - I'm going to do things a little different.

It's funny how much I used to know and how many things I used to be ready, willing, and able to educate others about - whether that be about early childhood education and development, discipline, parenting or the like. I had all the advice one could need and I knew just what to do - I was even ready to write the book - and then what happened?

I actually had a kid of my own - you know the kind that is yours 24/7 and not for 2-8 hours a day...and oh, hmm - things are just a little different on this end. Do I look back and regret the advice I gave? No. Do I think I was wrong or led people astray? No, I actually still think the majority, if not almost all, of the advice I've given parents over the years was good, sound advice - but what I do regret is the attitude I had at the time. Because even if my advice was right and even if I knew and know the "right" things to do - I was super judgmental. I was never rude or open in my judgment, but in my heart I was thinking how easily they could fix issues and how much better of a job I would/could do in their place - I was Judgy McJudgerson! And that was soo wrong, because, most of the time, especially in the community I worked in, these parents genuinely didn't know what to do to help their kids and they were scared of screwing them up, so they did nothing or they tried what they thought was best or what their parents had done and sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't - and they asked for help, or maybe they didn't even know anything was wrong. They looked to me for advice and I was the lady with all answers, yet I really didn't understand how much harder it is to put all of those things into practice in your every day 24/7 life than it is to "know" them and teach them - it's hard to tell your toddler he can't watch TV when you are exhausted and pregnant and all you want to do is cuddle up on the couch all day - it's hard to be consistent with the discipline when he's screaming in the store/restaurant/park/etc. and everyone is looking at you - it's hard to play trains for the 80,000th time in the last two days! - it's hard to feel like you are doing things right when you face tantrums at every turn.

So, today I'm supposed to educate you on something I know or something I'm good at, and in the past that would always have been something educational or something about childrearing - but instead I'm glad to not be the expert today - I'm glad that I'm not the one who has to have all the answers. So, I'm not going to educate you - I'm going to share in your struggle to raise your kids up right. I'm going to share that I'm still learning and that when it comes to kids - you never know it all! You have to let them educate you just as much as you educate them - you have to love them as hard as you can - and you have to filter through all the advice from the mom down the road who has it all together, the other mom who as far as you see has nothing together, and from that nosey/bossy teacher/nanny/kid who thinks she has it all figured out (because she might actually have something valid to add and even if she doesn't - she really does have good intentions even if she is a bit naive) and you have to use your child as your guide and determine what fits and what doesn't.

The biggest thing that I really want us all to know and embrace is that judging each other for our differences doesn't do our kids any good. Picking on those who do things differently only teaches our children that it is ok to hate what is different. Our world claims that it is for tolerance, yet the "mommy wars" rage about things like how we feed our babies and how to care for them and teach them - and that is just sad and silly. There are some absolutes and we should stand for what we believe in and support the things that are best for all children - because our kids can't advocate for themselves - but judging others won't change their minds or their hearts. I still struggle with judging other parents - I struggle as I see kids that aren't getting what they need developmentally or parents who don't think things apply to them - and I want to "educate" them all on how they should be doing things - but instead I'm learning how not to be the "teacher lady" and how not to boss other people's kids around and while it's hard - sometimes it's good to be the student and to be the one getting the education instead of giving it. I'm sure my time to teach will come again, and I'll have a little more credibility to back me up this time, but the biggest change will be that whether I agree or disagree - I know now that it's not my place to judge - even if you're wrong!  ;)

Blog Every Day In May: Day 1

I found this Blog Every Day In May Challenge through Karly - and I thought it would be fun to try it out - I don't know if I can pull it off, since I'm currently barely keeping up with once a week, but that's what a challenge in all about!

So, without further ado - Day 1: My life story in 250 words or less...

I was born on October 25, 1986 and became a big sister in '88 to a crazy brother and in '91 to a silly sister and I loved being mini-mommy to them both. I was raised in a very Christian home and accepted the Lord as my Savior early on. I started kindergarten at age four and became a lover of school and learning - graduated high school at 17 as salutatorian of my class after 13 years of Christian schooling. I went to college in state on a scholarship and rebelled just a little - making some choices that led to unnecessary pain, but I never left my faith behind. While I was in school, I worked doing habilitation with kiddos with autism and met/made my best friend (who happened to own the company) when I started to nanny her adopted daughter! I finished college early (just after my 21st birthday) and was eager to finally be a teacher! I taught kindergarten for five years - during which, I got my masters, met and married (between PGY 4/5) the resident J - who is now the fellow J - and became a momma to Owen. Then, Owen and I followed J to the Midwest for his fellowship (I had never lived anywhere other than my home state before) where I now stay-at-home taking care of all my boys - which will include one more (baby Noah) in 4-7 weeks!

Toddler fits

Throwing a fit because his egg broke and he couldn't put it back together!

So, yesterday, Owen had one of those days - actually, it's been one of those weeks with him, but yesterday was especially bad - starting out with a 7am wake up, which is at least an hour to two hours early for him. It seems just about anything and everything warrants an epic fit of tears and frustration and screams. Bawling because his train came apart at the magnet between the cars, or because he wanted to repeatedly click his high chair straps over and over (which requires that mommy un-click them, and she wanted to eat lunch) or because he wants to watch trucks but not those trucks! Fits over too much, too little, too fast, too slow, and fits...just for the sake of fits. My sweet gentle boy, has just been at the end of his rope. It might be because he's almost two, or because he's teething, or because my pregnancy is getting to him as I get slower and less fun, and maybe just because he has a little more of his mommy in him than people realize on first glance.

Because, by the end of the day yesterday, it was mommy's turn - and mommy was the one throwing the epic toddler fits. I was mad because J was pressuring me to pick what I wanted to eat (as I asked him to pick something up, and he was nearing home). I was mad because J was pressuring me by offering me options of things he could cook me at home, when I just didn't want to eat yet - even though i knew that he and Owen were hungry! I was mad because he just wasn't taking my picture RIGHT, goshdarnit - although I used some much harsher words, embarrassingly...in front of my son. I was just plain mad and sad - I felt ignored and pushed around and not even a little but listened to. And J, well, he kind of panicked and went into overdrive trying to fix everything and do all the right things - only that just made everything worse, because to my overtired, overstimulated cranky toddler mess of a self, that was just more of the same - more pushing and pressure that I just couldn't handle.

I, crankily, sat down to dinner with my boys and huffed and puffed through dinner with a cranky fit throwing toddler and a bewildered husband who couldn't have done anything right no matter how hard he tried (and believe me he tried). Dinner led immediately into bath time (and "photo shoot" time as I needed a picture for my 31 week post), along with several fights and fits (toddler and mommy-alike), and pushed towards a bedtime that was almost an hour early. Then by 8:30 - I laid down in bed waiting for my husband to "fix it" even though I'd only pushed him away all night - this led to a monster breakdown - tears galore, sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years because he just wouldn't "listen" to me - this of course turned into a hours-long conversation, in which, I laid out all the ways that J had hurt me all night long and how insensitive he was and so on and so on - and he told me how sorry he was and how much he just wanted to make me happy and so on and so on - finally culminating in a way too late bedtime - feeling a little better and a lot more understood.

Then this morning, by the light of day, I saw myself in a whole new light, and what a child I had been. J spent the whole evening and hours that he should have been sleeping loving me, while I whined and cried and yelled and told him how he was doing it all wrong - which is exactly what I've been getting so frustrated with Owen for doing (only he has a bit more of an excuse, being an actual toddler and all).

I'd like to blame my actions on pregnancy or lack of sleep or any of the other reasos and excuses that I use to explain away my behavior and Owen's - but the truth is that I let my sin nature get the best of me, and while I'm trying to teach my toddler to tame his own - I needed a real lesson in humility and how I don't have it all together myself - to help get my expectations for Owen and for myself back in check. The fact of the matter is that he can't and I can't do it on his/my own! We need God and his grace and power in our lives. We need His help to rise above our sin nature and honor Him with our lives. It's really easy to get caught up in doing and being good - in our power and will rather than His - and I needed the reminder that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - not through my own strength!

J really was an amazing example of God last night - he stood back, never leaving me, but letting me have the space I needed to throw my fit, always ready and willing to help whenever I let him close enough to try. He listened to me whine and complain and tell him that everything he did was wrong and how it was all his fault - when really he did absolutely nothing wrong - and isn't that just like a, telling God how to do His job, telling him what we want and need and whining because we didn't get our way or He wasn't/isn't fast enough or He answered our prayer in a way that we weren't expecting. I am just so grateful to have a God and a husband who are both willing to love me through my meltdowns and gently talk me down from the other side - who love me enough to keep trying and never leave when I push.

I've always prided myself on being so mature and grown-up - but this kid of mine is showing me in new ways all the time - just how much growing up I still have to do, but that's okay - we have each other and J and an amazing Father in heaven - and we'll figure out this growing up thing, even if we do have a few bumps along the road. My mom always used to tell me that she and I grew up together - and in my childlike perspective I thought that meant that she was just really immature when she had me (sorry, mom!)...but now I see it in a whole new light. This motherhood thing...it's a different type of growing up, one complete with a whole new set of growing pains, but worthwhile too.

So, here we go kiddo, Mommy will keep teaching you and you keep teaching me - and we'll both keeping letting God lead us and help us to grow into the people that He wants us to be - because heaven knows we can't do it alone and none of us can handle many more days like yesterday! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of tomorrows - new days when we can start fresh and do better than we did before!

And just to show that this week hasn't been ALL temper tantrums and toddler fits - here's my boys being the goofs they are cracking themselves and this momma up!

Man, do I love these boys! These were their "mom, stop with that flash in my face"-faces!

Since Saturday...

 otherwise known as the scariest day of this momma's life thus far.

After spending the second half of last week getting back into our routines with J back at work, I was happily preparing posts updating on our vacation and Easter celebrations and planning to plunk down Saturday evening to get a bunch of writing and photo editing done, but Saturday had a little different plan in store for our evening.

Saturday morning started off great, a friend of mine, who is newly pregnant, and I went to a local baby expo and got to spend the morning garnering lots of fun swag, checking out great baby vendors, and hearing some local doctors, midwives, and encouraging speakers - along with yummy snacks - and giveaways (I won a $100 gift certificate to a local medspa - not sure what I'll use it for, but still cool!). Then I came home and we decided that since it was such a gorgeous day we would walk to the Walmart (a little over 1/2 mile away) to pick up a few things and have dinner at one of the restaurants in the surrounding area - great plan right? We thought so, get some exercise, enjoy the beautiful spring weather, complete our errands, and have a family date all in one....

Well, we got to Walmart and there was an old military helicopter in the parking lot that we glanced at on the way in and pointed out to Owen. Then, as we are shopping, O continued to chant "copter, copter, copter" all through the store. So, on our way out we stopped to check it out a little more thoroughly and take some photos. Owen loved it - right up his transportation obsessed alley!

Then, Owen and momma posed on the stepladder while daddy took a few pictures, and the unthinkable happened. I was holding Owen's hands and he decided to climb onto the next step, so far, so good, then he was holding on and just as I opened my mouth to tell J to grab him because I couldn't reach him on that step and the steps were too tall for O to do on his own - Owen stepped right off the step and his foot didn't even come close to reaching the next step - J in mid-"snap" caught a picture of the asphalt as he tried, unsuccessfully to catch our son and I stood over him completely helpless to do anything but watch him fall or throw my body on top of his falling body.

It was quite literally the longest seconds of my life - everything was in slow motion as I watched his body tilt perfectly forward off of the step and fall headfirst to the asphalt almost three feet below him - straight onto his forehead - I watched him hit the ground and scrambled down the stairs as J raced towards us both of us reaching him together attempting to scoop the screaming toddler from the ground. I knew enough to know that the fact that he was instantly screaming was a very, very good sign (our God is a good good God!) - but I was still completely undone. I held my screaming, bleeding boy and was in panic mode - knowing that there was nothing I could do to undo this hurt - nothing that could change the situation that we were in and trapped in the moment that I started to tell J to grab him - that was just a little too late. I was less that present in the moment and less than nice to J, but I was at least smart enough to pray almost immediately - my arms wrapped around my sweet boy, my hand on his head, both of us bawling I cried out to God in tongues to please heal my baby boy and prevent any sort of more permanent damage.

We assessed his injuries as well as we could in the Walmart parking lot as he screamed and arched away from any contact with his injuries and we knew he needed to go the ER and get more thoroughly checked - but the panic was renewed as we remembered that we did not in fact have a car with us - and were facing a 20min+ walk home with a very pregnant me, a toddler who was not about to allow anything to be done with him but being held tight against my body, and injuries that we knew were at least somewhat serious. J kept talking to me and it was as if I could only partially hear him as I just kept telling Owen over and over how sorry I was that I let him get hurt and how much mommy wanted him to feel better and how much I loved him and all the other things that I just couldn't turn off on repeat to my poor boy - who I had failed as a mother in the biggest way I ever had in his life. It's my job to protect him, and this kid knows it, he looks to me and has no fear - he trusts me explicitly to always protect him from hurt and this was his first big hurt that I couldn't stop from happening.

I tried telling J to ask someone to drive him home, but he insisted that he would run and I would try to call my friend (who I'd been out with that morning and who lives nearby) to see if they could get J somewhere between Walmart and home to get the car quicker - we were both just so panicked in this moment and trying to determine any way to get the car and get O to the hospital as quickly as possible - so off J went and I dialed the phone walking down the street holding a screaming O on my chest above my 30 week belly in the ERGO, pushing the stroller - watching my husband running away down the street - and of course, my friend, L, couldn't understand a word I was saying into the phone in my barely outside of tears voice with O screaming over and over inches from the phone - I had to repeat myself over and over trying to explain what was going on and what we needed - finally L put her husband, C, on the phone and I was able to calm Owen enough to get the message across and C was on his way to pick us up and bring us to the ER where J could meet us (which probably made a little more sense than my plan) - we stoppped at a Dairy Queen a few blocks from Walmart to wait and I stood in the parking lot and called my mom to ask her to pray as patrons of the restaurant stared at the flustered pregnant lady and the screaming bloody toddler - no one sure what to do. I hurried off the phone with my mom as J called. He told me that a family that had seen us righ    after Owen fell in the Walmart parking lot and had thought we were rushing off to our car, but saw him running down the street and realized what was going on - so they stopped to pick him up and were driving him the rest of the way home (PRAISE THE LORD - and thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you kind strangers were that stopped to help us!). C arrived at DQ and we were starting to fold up the stroller and get Owen into one of his kids carseats when J arrived and we transferred into our own car. I felt super guilty for involving L and C, disturbing their family time, and worrying them for essentially nothing as C got there and was with me for approximately 2 minutes before J arrived - I don't ask for help well or often - and then when I do, and I turn out to not absolutely need it, I feel awful - although I am BEYOND grateful that the Lord has provided us with friends that I can call in a panic and they'll come and so thankful to L and C for putting aside their evening to help us.

We determined that since he had calmed down a little and hadn't lost consciousness that we could make the 25 minute drive to the children's hospital where J works downtown rather than the adult hospital near our house. J made some calls so they would be expecting us when we got there and off we went. It was during this drive that my heart rate was finally able to slow a little and I began to breathe a little more like a human being, but then I got another scare. While I was glad that Owen had finally stopped screaming, during the drive he started to get really drowsy, which was difficult to know if this was because it was almost 7:30 and he'd never had a late afternoon nap, or due to his head injury - so a scared mommy did everything she could to keep him awake and responsive for the rest of the drive (that I'm sure daddy was probably driving quite a bit faster than he should have).

Watching the train at the hospital right after we were discharged

We arrived at Children's and parked in employee parking - looping through the entire hospital to ER check-in, where they were expecting us with a room ready - it was so reassuring to know that these people knew J and cared about us personally - and to be able to avoid all the stress and fear that normally goes along with an ER visit as you wait what seems to be endless amounts of time for help. Every nurse knew Owen by name and knew my name and were genuinely concerned about both Owen and I (when I went to the bathroom I could see my face was bright red from the stress and the exertion of carrying around a 29lb kid for far longer than 30 week pregnant mom probably should (he was not about to let daddy hold him though). They checked him out, and as J told me on the way to the hospital it is actually his job to assess head injuries and determine what treatment and tests they need (but momma still wanted a second opinion as it is super super hard to be objective about your own kid). We were pretty worried when we were on our way, but as we arrived in the ER, O seriously perked up and started pointing out and naming things in the waiting room as we checked in - he smiled and pointed to show me a "graff" - giraffe - and "baball" - basketball - on TV then over the next 10-20 minutes he continued to show signs of perking up and being himself - so daddy and surgical fellow on call that night both agreed that he didn't need a CT scan and decided we should give him some juice and wait to make sure he kept it down and didn't show any other concerning symptoms. Nurses delivered his juice, along with a box of toy cars and a super-cool ramp, to the room and we camped out for a while to make sure he continued to improve. O happily played and ate up all the attention from the nurses until we determined he was well enough to go home under daddy's watchful eye (O didn't want to leave his toy cars, but was finally persuaded when promised the dinner we should have had hours ago and a chance to play with his doggy, Wy-Wy (Wyatt)).

Sunday morning cuddles before church

We kept O in our bed Saturday night to keep an eye on him (J woke up every 2 hours to check his breathing, etc), and I laid awake staring at him for hours - all the fear and adrenaline of the day still pouring through me - and each time I closed my eyes I would see his fall over and over again, each time unable to do anything to change it. I prayed for peace and thanked the Lord that O was okay and praised Him endlessly for the blessings and protection in our life, because I know how bad that this situation could have turned out. How wrong everything could have gone, and how each step of the way the Lord was with us, guiding and protecting us, leading us. Showing us his grace and mercy in our fear. Yesterday and today, O has continued to improve and while he has been extra cuddly, a little afraid of stairs, and more easily frustrated than normal - he is doing soo well and I so very much appreciate all the prayers of our friends, family, and my Bible study group as we were going through this scary, scary evening/weekend. I'm just amazed over and over at how blessed we are and I am so grateful for all the love and support through the whole thing and how grateful I am that scary was all it was, when it could have been so much worse. God is good all the time!

Sunday at church, still a little sad and pouty

Dinner today, mostly back to normal

Kihs...sih?

A few weeks ago at bedtime, J called to say goodnight and of course O got all excited thinking daddy was coming, but after a little reminder that daddy had to work and sleep at the hospital today Owen responded "kihs" (kids) and I said “yea daddy has to help the kids” and he said "sih" because we generally tell him that daddy has to help the sick kids I agreed that yes daddy has to help the sick kids and he immediately calmed down said hi and bye kissed the phone and was ready to go to sleep - and it broke my heart, just a little bit.

"Night-night, daddy" - waving at the phone

Here's the thing, and I acknowledge that what I'm about to admit makes me officially the WORST human being alive, but sometimes I find it hard to be quite as understanding and compassionate as my son- sometimes I resent J's job and the time it takes from our family and then - then I remember that essentially I'm resenting kids for being sick enough to need surgery - and bam, there I am "worst person in the world" territory. Yet, even though I know in my head how vital it is that J is available for his patients, my selfishness and jealousy still seem to rear their ugly heads – especially when I'm tired and cranky or sick or it's just too many days in a row of practically every other day call - or when J goes in anyway even though he is off because there is a complicated case that one of the research fellows can't do. Then, I find myself frustrated and angry that it's always all about work (J does care about his patients, but I know he loves us and doesn't have things out of balance) It’s just hard. The thing is – in his job – his time, his knowledge, his ability, his presence – it can be the difference between life and death, and how do you compete with that.

My cranky, lazy pregnant butt that doesn’t want to get up and cook dinner or that wants a break from chasing the toddler around – that doesn’t beat out the panicked parent waiting to hear how their preemie is doing on ECMO or how their 6 year old did in surgery, etc. J spends all day every day in the world of most parent’s worst nightmares – and he is one of the people working to make it a little less of a nightmare – and that is amazing…and it takes a tremendous amount of strength that I know that I don’t have. Yet, my selfish heart struggles with daddy not being home for dinner, or feeling lonely. I know that the way I feel is a natural human response. I married a man that I wanted to spend my life with -- and a lot of that life is spent without him. It just looks exceedingly more selfish when what is taking him away is soo selfLESS. I mean, if he was off being a lawyer for some sleazy client and worked these hours, no one would question my struggle with being sweet and understanding about it – but that’s not who or where we are.

God is guiding me, teaching me, leading me. He is letting me know that HE is always here and I can always rely on Him. Because let’s be honest, there are kids and families out there that just plain NEED J more than we do and that will always be the case. Their needs have to come before my wants. I’m not saying this to be a martyr or complain – it just is, and I’m trying to grow through it and remind myself that while it is hard – it is his ministry to serve these families in need and it is my ministry to support him in that and to raise these boys of ours to know what an amazing man their father is – to teach them to look up to him and aspire to be like him – and I can’t do that if I’m pouting and complaining that other wives get to spend more time with their hubbies. I can’t do that if I’m mad at him for going back in to help someone who needs it. I, just plain, can’t do that without God, because without God, it is natural and easy to grumble and complain and believe that everyone else has it better, but to be honest – we have it pretty gosh darn amazing right here! We are beyond phenomenally blessed – with health and love and safety and pretty much everything that we could want and definitely everything that we need.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the eyes of a child (my child) that caring for others it what it’s all about – that loving J means supporting him fully without complaint – that You have called us to such a time as this and that I need to rise to the occasion rather than allow the devil to bind me with his lies that I “deserve” more or different. Because the wages of sin are death – so that is what my sinful, selfish heart deserves – but instead I’m blessed with an amazing husband who would do anything for me, an equally awesome son who amazes me each and every day, another on the way who is sure to rock my socks off too, and more blessings than I can count. Thank you, Lord! 

Because I can't say it better than this...

When the prevailing thinking is boys will be boys, girls will be garbage. This momma - she put the words just right. She said the things that I don't know how to say yet, but I will. It's a big responsibility bringing up boys to be men in this world today.

Owen, Noah, and any others that God has waiting for us someday...my dear sweet sons....the world is going to tell you that soo many things are okay that aren't. The world is going to tell you that you should do what feels good and what you want and that other people just have to deal - but that's not what real men do.

Real men, like your dad, and your grandpas, and so many others, they do what is right even when it is hard - they love ferociously and PROTECT their women and their girls. God made men to love and cherish and care for women, He made you bigger and stronger to protect us - never to pressure or hurt or take advantage. It's a much harder road to be a MAN, and furthermore to be a man like Jesus, than it is to be a boy, but the rewards are pretty great and it's worth it to grow up and be someone you and your family can be proud of.

I'm sure that I have done so many things wrong, and I will do so many more things wrong, but I NEED you to know that it is NEVER okay to stay silent when people are being hurt, it is NEVER okay to take advantage of someone else, and it is NEVER okay to blame a victim. The world is already not very welcoming to who we are and what we believe - they say that being like Jesus isn't cool or popular or something that you should bother with, but the world - the world is wrong - and there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important than being a man like Jesus.

Love Dare

One of the lovely mommas in our playgroup put out an open invitation on Facebook for people to join up in her mom's Bible study group as they started a new session and were going to go through the movie Fireproof and read the book The Love Dare. So far we are 3 weeks in and I've got to say, I am feeling mighty convicted - for the most part I like to think I'm a pretty good wife and Christian - but here we go into something that should be relatively simple - ya know - loving my husband - and it's hard!

Day one said not to say anything negative and what do you know - it seems like that day everything that came out of my mouth was negative. Days 2-5 went a little better and I actually did a great job on day 6, when J had to unexpectedly take call because a co-worker was sick and I was actually sweet and loving and supportive during a somewhat stressful situation - I know yay me I didn't blow up at my hubby over something he had no control over a- hey, sometimes it's the little victories. It seems like as we go through this book I just keep seeing one way after another that I haven't been all that loving to J this last year. I thought when this all started , sure I probably could stand to do the "respect dare" but I'm good on the love one. Oh how the mighty have fallen! The Lord is opening my eyes in new ways each day on how I can really choose to actively love my husband and show him that love in ways that matter to him.

One dare required asking him 3 things that I do or about me that bother him and not defend myself - that was rough. You know what he said:
1. Sometimes emotional and quick to anger
2. Don't always tell me what you want directly
3. Sometimes I feel like my hard work is not appreciated
Ouch! But each and every one of them - soo true! It's hard having him work so many hours a day/week and I have definitely learned that when I get lonely - it is really easy to dwell on all the things that drive me crazy about J or the ways he's hurt me - it's wrong, but it's also a form of self-defense - sort of a way to convince myself that I'm/we're okay without him and that we don't need him. But then, that really backfires and when he is home and is his amazing self ready and willing to help in any and every way - I'm ready to attack, I'm so entrenched in "not needing him" that I won't let him help or even tell him what I need, I get irritated easily for things he does or doesn't do (often without even telling him that I need him to do/not do it), and I don't properly show appreciation for all of the things he does for us both inside and outside of the home. This guy works so hard and he does it all for us. Sure, he loves his job and he loves learning and helping his patients, but he is sacrificing a lot - he sacrifices family time and personal time and so much more that I probably don't even know and he's doing all of this to make my dreams come true - so that I can stay at home and raise our babies.

It is definitely time to work on really being intentional in showing my love. The same goes for Owen - the past few weeks as I've started to get into this study I've seen how much he needs me and I've seen over and over new ways to show my love to my baby boy. I don't know if he's picking up on pregnancy hormones or if it's just a normal stage for a 1 1/2 year old or if I've been making him feel left out with all of my 'busy-ness', but this boy has become so needy and desperate for my attention and affection - at first I bristled against it and pulled away thinking he needed independence and strength and that soon enough there will be another little one - so he needs to be a big boy and do it on his own - and then the Lord just softened my heart and gave me so much grace - and he gave me the patience to sit with my sweet sad little boy while he falls asleep, because really in the scheme of things does it matter in he needs his mama when he's 1 and what am I rushing off to that is so much more important than my baby feeling safe and secure in my love. In another 5 months, he is going to have to adjust to so much - why am I trying to force it on him now. So, while I can - I'm snuggling up to watch "tucks" (trucks) and I'm playing wild crazy toddler games and I'm sitting in the rocking chair "wok, wok, wok"ing while my boy falls asleep in his big boy bed and I'm cuddling him tight each morning and I barely even mind when he falls asleep on my face - because that's what unconditional love is all about - loving them both with every bit of my heart - even when it hurts (and believe me a toddler sleeping on your face is less than pleasant)!

Thank you, Lord for my boys - thank you for giving them to me and me to them, please continue to help me to learn to love them as you love them!

90 days...

There are a lot of things that one can do in 90 days, but one I hadn't considered prior to about 2 months ago - was reading the Bible cover to cover. This summer, I joined a Bible study with a group of ladies online through Good Morning Girls and Kayse. It was a great time studying Proverbs 31 and learning how to be a better wife and mother - although I seemed to fail more than succeed at those lofty goals. After we completed that study, we decided that we wanted to do something with a little more reading from the Bible. The GMG study really only had 2-3 verses each day and then we talked and meditated on those ideas. So, we moved on to the lofty goal of reading the Bible in 90 days!

Man oh man, you would not believe how much harder this has been than I would have even guessed. Many of us had never read through the Bible before, even though many of us had also been raised in the church and been Christians most of our lives. It said at the beginning that it would be 45-60 minutes of reading a day and while that is ambitious, we also discovered things to help, like an app on the phone that allows you to keep track of the reading plan and listen to the Bible in a few different translations. This has helped, but it is still so hard to keep up and many of us have fallen behind, only to work hard to catch up, and then fall behind yet again. It has been a vicious cycle, with the enemy whispering to all of us along the way - "you can't do this"...."just give up"....."you should have known better than to try something soo difficult"..."you'll never catch up." And other hurdles, like sick babies and toddlers, like a child who always slept during your commute so you could listen to the word who now stays awake the entire time clamoring for music, and many other struggles - not the least of which is motivation. This is and has been a difficult climb and rather than feeling encouraged, we are all trudging up the mountainside feeling as though we will never reach the peak. One member catches up, and others only feel worse to admit how far behind they are, yet this is ridiculous!

It has been just over 50 days and I am currently reading in Isaiah. That means that in a little less than 2 months I have read 22 books of the Bible, other group members are feeling discouraged to still be in Psalms or Proverbs or Ecclesiastes - but really when you stop to think that even reading 19 books of the Bible in less than 2 months is an amazing feat! One that I had never even considered attempting prior to joining this group. So, for all the days that it feels monotonous, that it feels like you will never reach the goal, that you just aren't doing enough - remember that life, Christianity, motherhood, all of it - it is about the journey. It is about doing your best along the path and sometimes messing up or falling behind, but always learning and always growing. Reading the Bible, even in 90 days, isn't about getting through it and reaching the destination (as I am often guilty of only focusing on the end result - rather than the journey) - it is about hiding the Lord's word in our hears. It is about knowing God and the message that He has given us, just a little bit better. It is about remaining steadfast in the face of a difficult goal and knowing that while I may not be able to do it alone - I can do all things through Christ!