Blog Every Day in May: Day 6

Day 6 of the Challenge: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

What do I do? All of last summer I struggled with this exact question - now that I wasn't a teacher anymore and I was just a stay-at-home mom - what do I say when people ask what I do?? I was worried that people would think less of me now that I was no longer teaching, especially since I was leaving a job in an urban (read 'high-poverty') school so I could now just be a lazy middle class mom. Although, I knew then and I know now that I am not a "lazy middle-class mom" and I know that the "lazy" stay-at-home mom is a myth (or if she exists I haven't found her - because I'd like to know the secret! *wink, wink*) - but it was still a fear of mine that people would think that - just like I worry about how I'll be judged as a "blogger" - not that I think I qualify as one yet.

I do the things we all do - I cook, I clean, I wrangle a two silly dogs and a crazy toddler - all while growing a giant baby in my belleh. But those aren't the things that define me - although they do use a significant portion of my time. 

I love, I cuddle, I teach - in a more profound way than I ever did as a teacher, and I learn more from my kid than I would have ever thought possible. I am learning about love and life and patience. I am learning about God and parenting and teaching others. I am even learning about myself - I am also putting myself out there in new and different ways that I never did before. I am becoming more myself and more of who I want to be and that excites me - I want my babies to see their mom as fearless and brave - I want them to know that if they want to try something then that is exactly what they should do - TRY. 

So, what do I do? I try - I try to do it, I try to do more, I try to do less, but I always keep trying and for now - I'm good with that!

Toddler fits

Throwing a fit because his egg broke and he couldn't put it back together!

So, yesterday, Owen had one of those days - actually, it's been one of those weeks with him, but yesterday was especially bad - starting out with a 7am wake up, which is at least an hour to two hours early for him. It seems just about anything and everything warrants an epic fit of tears and frustration and screams. Bawling because his train came apart at the magnet between the cars, or because he wanted to repeatedly click his high chair straps over and over (which requires that mommy un-click them, and she wanted to eat lunch) or because he wants to watch trucks but not those trucks! Fits over too much, too little, too fast, too slow, and fits...just for the sake of fits. My sweet gentle boy, has just been at the end of his rope. It might be because he's almost two, or because he's teething, or because my pregnancy is getting to him as I get slower and less fun, and maybe just because he has a little more of his mommy in him than people realize on first glance.

Because, by the end of the day yesterday, it was mommy's turn - and mommy was the one throwing the epic toddler fits. I was mad because J was pressuring me to pick what I wanted to eat (as I asked him to pick something up, and he was nearing home). I was mad because J was pressuring me by offering me options of things he could cook me at home, when I just didn't want to eat yet - even though i knew that he and Owen were hungry! I was mad because he just wasn't taking my picture RIGHT, goshdarnit - although I used some much harsher words, embarrassingly...in front of my son. I was just plain mad and sad - I felt ignored and pushed around and not even a little but listened to. And J, well, he kind of panicked and went into overdrive trying to fix everything and do all the right things - only that just made everything worse, because to my overtired, overstimulated cranky toddler mess of a self, that was just more of the same - more pushing and pressure that I just couldn't handle.

I, crankily, sat down to dinner with my boys and huffed and puffed through dinner with a cranky fit throwing toddler and a bewildered husband who couldn't have done anything right no matter how hard he tried (and believe me he tried). Dinner led immediately into bath time (and "photo shoot" time as I needed a picture for my 31 week post), along with several fights and fits (toddler and mommy-alike), and pushed towards a bedtime that was almost an hour early. Then by 8:30 - I laid down in bed waiting for my husband to "fix it" even though I'd only pushed him away all night - this led to a monster breakdown - tears galore, sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years because he just wouldn't "listen" to me - this of course turned into a hours-long conversation, in which, I laid out all the ways that J had hurt me all night long and how insensitive he was and so on and so on - and he told me how sorry he was and how much he just wanted to make me happy and so on and so on - finally culminating in a way too late bedtime - feeling a little better and a lot more understood.

Then this morning, by the light of day, I saw myself in a whole new light, and what a child I had been. J spent the whole evening and hours that he should have been sleeping loving me, while I whined and cried and yelled and told him how he was doing it all wrong - which is exactly what I've been getting so frustrated with Owen for doing (only he has a bit more of an excuse, being an actual toddler and all).

I'd like to blame my actions on pregnancy or lack of sleep or any of the other reasos and excuses that I use to explain away my behavior and Owen's - but the truth is that I let my sin nature get the best of me, and while I'm trying to teach my toddler to tame his own - I needed a real lesson in humility and how I don't have it all together myself - to help get my expectations for Owen and for myself back in check. The fact of the matter is that he can't and I can't do it on his/my own! We need God and his grace and power in our lives. We need His help to rise above our sin nature and honor Him with our lives. It's really easy to get caught up in doing and being good - in our power and will rather than His - and I needed the reminder that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - not through my own strength!

J really was an amazing example of God last night - he stood back, never leaving me, but letting me have the space I needed to throw my fit, always ready and willing to help whenever I let him close enough to try. He listened to me whine and complain and tell him that everything he did was wrong and how it was all his fault - when really he did absolutely nothing wrong - and isn't that just like a, telling God how to do His job, telling him what we want and need and whining because we didn't get our way or He wasn't/isn't fast enough or He answered our prayer in a way that we weren't expecting. I am just so grateful to have a God and a husband who are both willing to love me through my meltdowns and gently talk me down from the other side - who love me enough to keep trying and never leave when I push.

I've always prided myself on being so mature and grown-up - but this kid of mine is showing me in new ways all the time - just how much growing up I still have to do, but that's okay - we have each other and J and an amazing Father in heaven - and we'll figure out this growing up thing, even if we do have a few bumps along the road. My mom always used to tell me that she and I grew up together - and in my childlike perspective I thought that meant that she was just really immature when she had me (sorry, mom!)...but now I see it in a whole new light. This motherhood thing...it's a different type of growing up, one complete with a whole new set of growing pains, but worthwhile too.

So, here we go kiddo, Mommy will keep teaching you and you keep teaching me - and we'll both keeping letting God lead us and help us to grow into the people that He wants us to be - because heaven knows we can't do it alone and none of us can handle many more days like yesterday! Thank you, Lord, for the gift of tomorrows - new days when we can start fresh and do better than we did before!

And just to show that this week hasn't been ALL temper tantrums and toddler fits - here's my boys being the goofs they are cracking themselves and this momma up!

Man, do I love these boys! These were their "mom, stop with that flash in my face"-faces!

Because I can't say it better than this...

When the prevailing thinking is boys will be boys, girls will be garbage. This momma - she put the words just right. She said the things that I don't know how to say yet, but I will. It's a big responsibility bringing up boys to be men in this world today.

Owen, Noah, and any others that God has waiting for us someday...my dear sweet sons....the world is going to tell you that soo many things are okay that aren't. The world is going to tell you that you should do what feels good and what you want and that other people just have to deal - but that's not what real men do.

Real men, like your dad, and your grandpas, and so many others, they do what is right even when it is hard - they love ferociously and PROTECT their women and their girls. God made men to love and cherish and care for women, He made you bigger and stronger to protect us - never to pressure or hurt or take advantage. It's a much harder road to be a MAN, and furthermore to be a man like Jesus, than it is to be a boy, but the rewards are pretty great and it's worth it to grow up and be someone you and your family can be proud of.

I'm sure that I have done so many things wrong, and I will do so many more things wrong, but I NEED you to know that it is NEVER okay to stay silent when people are being hurt, it is NEVER okay to take advantage of someone else, and it is NEVER okay to blame a victim. The world is already not very welcoming to who we are and what we believe - they say that being like Jesus isn't cool or popular or something that you should bother with, but the world - the world is wrong - and there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important than being a man like Jesus.