Lost and found

Do you ever feel like you are losing yourself? Just a little bit? With an energetic toddler and a newborn in the house -  who I am and who I want to be often seems to get lost in the shuffle - the shuffle of nursing and potty training and runny noses. You find your identity through them and with them and in spite of them in all the best and the worst ways.

Today is my birthday and to be perfectly honest, I have no idea how old I am turning - sure when I take the time to do the math - I will find that I am now 27 - but I'm really not sure how that has happened, how I am ten years out from the girl entering her senior year if high school - about to embark into worlds she had never known. The last age I remember turning was 25 - and I remember being disappointed that my "golden" birthday (25 on the 25th) wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I'm sure that J made the next better as he knew that I had been hurt, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the love that was shown on each of those days, but my life is such that I have no recollection of those days - or why I was hurt or happy - I am no longer the priority - I have no grand plans for what I should have for myself - and you know what - it's supposed to be that way. 

These are the years of babies who need me to be their everything - these are the years that I'm building their identities and showing them who they should be - and if who I am has to be on hold for a little while so that I can do that - then that is fine with me.  I'm not using it as a cop-out or an excuse not to better myself or grow - I am working to better myself and to grow, but I'm working to be better for them rather than for me. I'm reading up on parenting and spirited children and personalities and raising boys and I'm trying to study and grow in the Lord to be a better mother. Not to compete in a Pinterest world, but to provide them with memories that will last a lifetime - to be a better example of a woman of God (so that they know what to look for in a girlfriend and a wife), to be a light so that they will see and know God's love through me. 

I want them to see themselves through His eyes and to grow to be men after His heart - and in order to do that - as there is only so little time in a day, in a childhood, and in a lifetime - who I was has to be abandoned - who I used to be has been lost, but who I am becoming - the me I am finding as I travel through the fog of too little sleep, too many dirty diapers, and just enough grace - is who I believe I was always meant to be. It is only through losing yourself and letting go of the reins that you will find who He has always hoped you will be. And she might not be someone you recognize in the mirror, but in your heart you will find that as you become their shelter - you have found your way home. 

2 years and 2 months: 2 updates

I can't believe I have a two month old and a two YEAR old! It is just absolutely crazy! I have a lovey sappy birthday post I'm working on for Owen that I plan to post next week along with pictures from our celebration this weekend, but I thought I'd do some stats and photos for both boys in one post this month since we're pretty busy around here these days!

I'm taking both boys to the doc for their check-ups on 8/5 - so I'll update with percentiles and exact measurements then inside the parentheses, but for now my attempts at home:

 
Noah at 2mo:
Weight: 13.6lbs (13lb 8oz - 90th %ile)    
Length: 24" (22 3/4" - 50th %ile)

If I'm at all close, he's gained almost 2 pounds this month and grown 3" - but we were a pound high and an inch off on our measurements at home last month - so we'll see!


Owen at 2yo:
Weight: 32.6lbs (32lb 3oz - 95th %ile)    
Height: 36-37" (35 1/2" - 80th %ile)

They say that by the time you are 2 that you are 1/2 of your adult height - so if that's true we're looking at this guy being between 6' and 6'2" - crazy to think that my "baby" could get so big!


There are about 1/2 as many pictures of Owen as there are of Noah - simply because Noah can't escape me! Owen was done with picture taking in about 1.2 seconds! I managed to get one good smile once I told him he was done! Err! Toddlers! So, with that said, we'll start with Owen.

What mom?! I'm watching my show!

At two years old, you: 

- speak in sentences almost all the time - at least 3 words, but sometimes more
- are sort of TV obsessed and love Mickey Mouse, Cars 1 & 2, Despicable Me, Toy Story 1-3
- are super compassionate and caring - you worry so much about the characters in your shows and about your friends - you hate to see anyone sad or upset
- still take one nap a day ranging from 1-3 hours
- only use your binky in bed and in the car - we transitioned you about a month ago and you are doing really well with it
- go to bed between 8:30-9:30 and sleep until about 8 each morning
- wake up and come to my bed to cuddle and watch cartoons for an hour or so before we get up and go downstairs
- love naming all your (and everyone else's) body parts and naming everyone and everything you see around you
- are CRAZY about fruit snacks - which you call "gummies"
- love your baby brother soo much and always want to make sure that he is with us - unless you are hungry/thirsty, then you want me to put him away and help you instead
- have started RUNNING away as fast as you can in stores and in public - we have had to use a little bumblebee backpack leash that my friend, L, gave us - you are starting to listen when I tell you to freeze, etc.
- have had a lot of timeouts lately, but unlike most kids your age, when I tell you to go to timeout - you listen (90% of the time) and go right to time out! You also immediately start saying you are sorry over and over!
- love construction vehicles, emergency vehicles, motorcycles - pretty much anything that goes "zoom, fast!"
- would rather drink a million cups of chocolate milk and juice than actually eat food - although you do still eat a lot
- say please, thank you, sorry, you're welcome, bless you, and I love you - without prompting - you are super polite and considerate!
- still love to be worn in the Ergo, mei tei, or the wrap
- still love to sing This Little Light of Mine, but now also love singing Old McDonald Had a Farm
- repeat the letters to spell your name but it almost always goes: 
    M: O O: O  
    M: W O: W
    M: E O: E   
    M: N O: Owen!
- started putting yourself to bed, I tell you to go to sleep and you walk upstairs and lay down - I come check on you and tuck you in, kiss, and leave - and you go to sleep
- LOVE sitting in the crack in the middle of the couch - you've decided it's your spot and tell us "sit here" pointing to the sides and will push anyone out of the middle
- call Grandma F "Grampa" and call my mom "Jessi" so you ask all the time for  Grampa and Grampa far away and Poppy and Jessi in car!
 
Owen, overall, you may be developing your own opinions and testing every boundary that you reach, but you are an amazing kid! I love you soo much and I am so proud to be your mommy! I can't wait to start you TERRIFIC TWOS! Love you, Mama

Fine, I kissed him...are we done here?

 Noah - my newest baby - oh how I love you! Owen made me a mommy, but you get to enjoy a pre-broken-in Mom - it's so much easier to enjoy everything you do this time, because I'm not so worried I'll break you like I was with your brother - and I don't have to go back to work and leave you both! It still amazes me every day that you are here and that you are mine - and I marvel at all the ways that you are so different from and so similar to your brother! I can't wait to see how those similarities and differences change as you grow! Love you - Mama

At two months old, you:

- seem to be even stronger than your brother was at this age, you roll over all the time and do super awesome pushups during tummy time
- are a happy-go-lucky guy most of the time, but when you get mad/hungry/sad/etc - you go from 0 to 60 (more like 120) in no time flat!
- love to be held and cuddled all the time and seem to dislike naps this week unless mommy is holding you, but you...
- sleep like a champ at night, you vary with when you decide night begins (somewhere between 10pm-2am) but you sleep for a solid 5 hours, nurse and go right back to sleep, followed by another 4 hours of sleep before you wake to nurse again - then you sleep for another 2-3 before you are up for the day
- have totally figured out nursing and nurse like a champ now! It seems like our overactive letdown issues have settled out and you latch right on and chow - I stopped worrying about charting when you eat, because you are growing so well and let me know what you need
- nurse every 1-3 hours, except at night - this early on it seems like every time you settle into a feeding schedule, you have another growth spurt and eat every hour again - so we'll wait a little longer to see where you settle with that
- have been more and more awake and aware during the day, you love watching us and looking all around and actually don't hate tummy time nearly as much as your brother did
- have started losing your hair - sorry buddy, probably not the last time
- LOVE Mommy most of all - makes Daddy a little sad, but I think it's just because I supply the food
- LOVE being held or carried, so I'm very glad we have all the various carriers to wear you, since I have to take care of your brother too (as I write this, you are asleep on my back in one of the woven wraps! I love that I can wear you on my back with a woven, while you are still little - it is so much easier to get things done!)
- are starting to figure out the binky but still prefer Mom - you only seem to like the NUK ones, and not the little baby ones - those are too small for you - only the big baby size for you!
- still sleep in the Rock-n-Play next to our bed (we'll probably keep you there until you stop with your middle of the night nursing session - since you'll share a room with your brother and we don't want you both awake in the middle of the night!)
- still have dark gray eyes, but they are getting bluer - a really bright vibrant blue
- seem to grow and change each and every day! It seems like as soon as I think I have you figured out, you can do something else or change things up on me! It is so exciting knowing that I won't miss out on all the little day to day things you do like I did with Owen while I was at work!

Mom, I am DONE with tummy time!

Boys,
I love you both SO, SO much! I was absolutely made to be your Mommy and it is my honor to raise you up to be men of God and to do great things for His glory! May you both always know how incredibly precious you are to us (Mom, Dad, and the Lord)!

Love you forever and for always - 

Momma

in between - five minute friday

I know I already shared this photo today, but it fit this post too!

In between my two babies. My boys - my sons - I am struggling with being caught in between the two if them - not quite meeting either one's needs exactly how they'd like. Today my toddler begged me to put my nursing newborn to bed - "mommy - sleepy, sleepy, pleaaase sleepy" he cried to me as he pointed to his brother's bassinet and begged that I prepare him a snack instead.

In between a rock and a hard place - they both need me so much, yet in such very different ways and in ways that are so much the same. One month in and I'm not sure how I'll do it, how I'll make sure that the toddler knows that he is loved and not forgotten and that the babe receives the attention and care that he needs as well. 

In between, not sure of which way to turn - who to help - there is only one of me and two of them with so many wants and needs between them.

But I continue on, finding the beauty in all this need, reveling in the wonder of all this love - between these two is exactly where I want to be!

sad...

My momma is gone. She and my dad left tonight at about seven to start their road trip back home to the desert. I held it together while they were leaving trying to make sure that Owen understood that they wouldn't be back in the morning and that we wouldn't be seeing them again for quite a while, and then not a full minute after I closed the door behind them, I had to get Owen distracted with a toy and I hid in the bathroom and cried - big time. They were here for about 15 days, but they both worked whole they were here and didn't come over until after Owen's afternoon nap most days - so I feel like I barely had time with them. And, of course, J is on call tonight and going golfing in the morning - this momma already misses her momma and isn't looking forward to doing g this alone! Here we go - time to start real life as a mom of two - with a hubby as a second year fellow - and no family less than 7 hours away! I know I can do this, but tonight, I just wanna pout a little! I want my mommy (complete with toddler stomp and pout)!

Oh and I do realize that after posting every day for a month, I haven't posted at all for the last month, but we are doing great and getting a routine down and I will be getting Noah's birth story finished up and be back to regularly scheduled posting again soon!

37 weeks

Baby's size: Winter Melon [about 19.1 inches, 6.3 lb.] - not sure why I still include this :) - if we make it that far, I have another growth ultrasound on Friday and we'll see where we are then!

How far along: 37 Weeks

Sleep: Doing a little better at making bedtime a priority - not as well as I'd like, but actually in bed most nights by around 11 and that's an improvement - J has been on call every other day this week, so that makes falling asleep a little harder, but I'm working on it!

Maternity Clothes: we've discussed - clothes no longer fit - even my maternity wardrobe is dwindling dangerously - pretty soon I'll have to switch over to J's clothes! LOL!

Food cravings: nope - although this Whole Foods Chocolate Decadence cake is pretty flipping fantastic, but I'm fairly certain that's true pregnant or not!

Food aversions: nada

Symptoms I HAVE: Lotsa heartburn happening here! Also, my hips feel like they are going to break in half when I get up in the middle of the night - during the day I'm fine, but I get super stiff at night, like a brittle old lady, and I feel like my bones might crumble! More Braxton Hicks all the time - hopefully they're being productive, but I was still only dialated to a 1 on Friday at the OB and still at a 1 on Monday at the hospital! Getting nervous/anxious about Noah's arrival and an impending induction!! I'm still really hoping to go into labor naturally, and trying not to get discouraged that things aren't progressing more quickly!

Doctor’s Appointment: Went to the doc on Friday, BP still moderately high, but stable - so she decided we should schedule my induction for 6/5 (going in the night of 6/4 for cerdavil since cervix isn't favorable yet) - baby boy has 9 days to get himself ready to get here - I'm really worried about starting an induction and ending up with a c-section because my body wasn't ready - but I need to trust the Lord and my doctor and know that everything will come together the way it is supposed to, even if it is different from what I have in my head - what matters is that Noah is healthy and gets here safely! Then, Monday evening I was feeling a little funny and checked my BP - and it was 158/96 - so I called the OB on call and she of course wanted me to go in to be monitored - brought Owen over to my friend, L's, house by 8 and J did what he had to do to get out of the hospital even though he was on call and it was a holiday! Then we spent 4 hours in triage - Noah was great on the monitors (except that he kept moving out of range) - and my BP was pretty scary high for a while, they made me lay on my left side and it improved a lot - I was also having contractions every 4-5 minutes that started to get pretty painful on my side, but they weren't causing any cervical change and BP lowered enough - so they sent us home! J is beginning to feel like the boy who cried wolf leaving work over and over for trips to L&D that don't end with a baby in our arms - but what can you do? A BP like that needs to be monitored! Anyway, Owen didn't sleep at all at L's house (I picked him up just after midnight) - so today I had a migraine from the lack of sleep and stress of last night and O was a cranky mess - but we made it through! Here's to one more week!

Movement: With the way this kid has been moving in utero - I almost expect him to come out rolling over and crawling around! He is always on the go and super strong!

Belly Button: Innie - long 1/2 flat innie - it's looking weird, peeps!

Gender: Still a boy and he makes sure we know it at every weekly ultrasound - Noah is not shy!

Best moment of the week: Finally having an end date in sight, it's been making me so nervous having 3 different possible induction dates - I'm glad we can finally prepare - like I said, I hope he comes on his own before then so we don't have to deal with all the induction junk, but it's good to be able to plan and prepare! And it's good to know that my BP is/was stable enough to wait for 38 weeks and that she didn't feel like we needed to take him early! (Just turned in another 24 hr urine - so hoping that comes back good and nothing changes here!)

What I’m looking forward to: Holding this little guy on the outside - I know I'm going to miss having him on the inside, because I still miss having Owen on the inside sometimes, but it's getting really real that Noah will be here soon and I can't wait to meet him, but I also want him to grow and be totally strong and healthy - so I don't want to rush him either!

What I miss: This week I miss my mom - I'm getting really sad that she isn't going to be here for this delivery - she was in the room when I had Owen - and I am just starting to worry about how all of the logistics of everything are going to work - and while I know that my MIL is coming to help - it's just not the same - I want my momma! Although she will be here for a while after J goes back to work and that's better than just having her here for a few days earlier! Just a little sad and lonely for her this week! Miss my mom!


UPDATE: So much for 1/2 of this post - I just got a call from the hospital and I'm being induced tonight! Ahh!

{I borrowed the format for these entries from Eight Days a Week - who borrowed it from Finding Beauty in the Ordinary}

Blog Every Day in May: Day 27

Challenge Day 27: A letter to your readers -- wow, 27 days! Almost done with #blogeverydayinMay

Our attempt at a family portrait on Easter - believe me, this was the best shot! :)

Hello friends,

Is it okay if I call you that? I'm never really sure about that word, but that's what I'd like us to be, so we'll go with it. 

Welcome, I'm so glad you are here, whether you follow along, stop by occasionally, or are just popping in for the first time today - I'm honored and thrilled that you took the time to take a little peek into our world - hopefully something you find here will inspire or encourage you or just give you someone/something to relate to and let you know that you are not in this life alone. I'd love for you to reach out and say hello whether by comments or email - I'd love to get to know you and your story and come to know how we can do this thing called life together - helping each other along the way! I'm not perfect - neither is my little family - and I don't expect you to be either - let's all just take life as it comes and always be striving to learn and grow together!

I've never been the friend who was very good at keeping in touch, or calling, or making plans to meet up - but I am the friend who will always and forever be there if you need me, no matter what. I am the friend who is always ready to pick  up where we left off the last time this crazy life got in the way - because that's the reality of life, especially life with littles, it quickly consumes us and whatever is not requiring our direct attention often falls to the wayside - so, I'm sorry friends if I take too long to respond or if I comment less than I should or if sometimes it feels like I just don't care - because that is just not true - I love each and every one of you and I'm here for you if/when you need me, whether we have known each other for years or have just met. You are important to me, each and every one of you - and I'm sorry that I let busy get in the way of showing that!

Can't wait to get to know you better!

Jess

Blog Every Day in May: Day 20

Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

So, this may sound silly to some, but the thing that I'm really struggling with right now, and have been for the last three years forever...is bedtime. 

That's right - bedtime. Now, as most of you around here know J is a surgical fellow - so he is at work by around 6 most mornings, sometimes earlier - and he works hard going all pretty much nonstop all day - so prior to getting married to me - he went to bed pretty early. But I've always been a little bit of a night owl - my ideal sleep time would be from 11 or 12 until 9 or 10 most mornings - which for a while with Owen worked out well for me (he's now getting up around 8, but we snuggle for a whole before we actually get up and go downstairs). So, with Owen sleeping until 8 most mornings (or later) and napping once or twice a day, he doesn't really go to sleep at night before 8:30-9 (sometimes 10) and then there are all of the adult things that need to be done - dishes, straighten up, blog, watch a non-animated television show that doesn't revolve around trucks, spend a little time talking to my hubby, budgeting - you get the idea. Allthethings - they haunt me and they never seem to be done, add in that end of pregnancy nesting symptom - and it seems to be easily midnight before we head upstairs and that just isn't fair to my hubby! And then I just feel like a jerk because even if I'm getting less sleep than I'd like - he's getting less than that. We make plans, I set "get ready for bed" alarms, I try to get things done while he's at work or Owen is still awake - yet it just keeps happening that day after day we stay up later than we should - and we are about to add a newborn into this mix - goodness gracious! 

Oh and I've tried making J just go to bed without me - he won't - he feels too guilty because he knows that I'm lonely and we don't spend enough time together - so it's an all or nothing thing around here - also it's much worse when he's on call and not here - I've developed some lovely pregsomnia and can't sleep when he's gone resulting in staying up even later cleaning/organizing/watching pointless TV or tossing and turning in bed. 

I don't have any answers and I seem to just be digging myself deeper into this struggle instead of out of it. So, I sure could use some help! Any ideas out there? Any grownup bedtime routines or rituals that actually help you get to bed and sleep at a decent hour? Tips? Tricks? I'm sure J would love you forever if someone could actually get me to get things done and get to bed at a decent hour! (Oh, and because I'm feeling convicted after writing this - it's currently 9pm and Owen just went to sleep - I'm posting this and headed up stairs to fold/stuff diapers in bed and go to sleep - hopefully by 10 - maybe I just need to write a post about how I stay up too late every day!)

Blog Every Day in May: Day 7

Day 7 Challenge: The thing(s) you're most afraid of

 I've never been big on being afraid - really of anything - other than emotional stuff like rejection, etc. and I will NOT watch any movie about demons/ghosts/exorcisms or anything like that - I believe in a very real spiritual realm and I just won't open doors to any of that - heck no, techno! Even with my limited experience with fear, I wouldn't say I was ever the reckless stupid type, I've always been more of the cautious goody-goody type and that prevents a lot of reckless/stupid - not all, but a lot. Anyway, I was the baby playing with spiders and lizards in the backyard - always the Daddy's girl - and I know my mom and even my brother called me to catch many a bug growing up. I'm not afraid of snakes or really of heights or anything like that, but since becoming a mom - the thing I am most afraid of...like so afraid of I can barely type it "out loud"....is dying - especially dying young. 

I know that this is a common fear, but it's one that has been entirely new to me. I grew up knowing that being "absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord" - so I was never scared of dying - sure I was scared that however I died might hurt, but the death part, not so much. Heaven sounded pretty cool and I always felt like when it was my time it would just be my time and so be it. 

Yet, now, things are different. I'm still not scared of dying for myself - I know I'll be "all good" up there - but I'm scared for what it would mean for J and for my kids. Sure, I'm afraid of how we would make it without J, but it scares me more to think how they would suffer without me. Kids without a mom, how J's career would suffer, and how different all of their lives would be. Not to say I'm just soo super awesome and I could never be replaced, but I'm their MOM and you really can't replace that. I have never heard a single person of any age, who had lost their mom, who was not still struggling with it years later - we need our mommas, whether we are 2 or 5 or 22 or 55 - moms are really, really important - and I want to do everything I can to be here for these boogers and their daddy for a good, long time! I know that I am not in control and that God is, and that there is nothing I can do to change whatever there is to come - but there really is nothing that scares me more than leaving my family behind and the aftermath of that pain. I have faith that if anything were to ever happen to me that God would give my boys/men the strength to carry on and He would protect them and give them the love and support they needed from a plethora of sources - I just don't want them to ever have to know that reality. 

Wow, that was kinda a yucky, deep, bummer of a post --- scroll on down and enjoy some ultrasound cuteness to lighten the mood! 

I love you boys (and J) and I thank and praise the Lord for each and every day of my life with you!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 5

Lovin' on a blogger friend for the challenge today -

Well, this one is a little hard for me, because while there are lots of blogs and bloggers I love - most/all of them have no clue who I am - because I'm a lurker - I don't mean to be, but I just can't seem to keep up with all of the various pieces of social media - I'm starting to try to make connections and leave comments and all of that, but it's hard to get into the habit, and it's scary too, because what if these bloggers I like don't like me back and they decide they are way too cool to want to connect with me and then I'm the hanger-on and that's worse than the lurker! If I'm just in the corner peeking in, you can't reject me - I promise I'm not scary and creepy - I'm just scared that you won't let me in the group! (Yea. I'm totally 12 and pathetic, even online)

Anyway, I can't and won't write some big loving ode to anyone, because I don't know anyone well enough, nor do I feel like anyone knows me back (and I really feel like both of those are required to call someone a friend). But, I will share a few of the blogs that I love to read and always jump to first in my BlogLovin' feed -

1. Kayse - Kayse is the one blogger who I actually have somewhat connected with, as we have done about 3 online Bible studies together - although neither one of us has done very well keeping up with this last one - but we are both preggers and I'm going to give us a pass on that one - both the first trimester (her) and the third (me) are pretty rough and some things just slip right off the agenda for things like food and sleep and overall feeling crummy! I love how sweet and encouraging that Kayse always is and I can really relate to her in so many ways - faith, former teachers, somewhat hopeless homemakers, and trying really hard to always better ourselves for our families and God's glory! I love how real and honest she is with that struggle!
2. Mandy - is a super cute boy mom to two little guys and she is always so sweet - I love watching her boys and looking forward to what mine will be like soon! It seems like she was just pregnant, so I know soon enough I'll be watching my little guy chasing his big brother around and thinking back to this time being pregnant wondering how it could have passed so quickly! 
3. Erin - another boy mom and I love that she shares so much of her faith - and again I love watching the brothers grow and develop together - and I'm picking up all the tips I can before my life with two crazy boys (well, three if you count their dad, which I probably should!) starts!
4. There are tons of other blogs that I read and enjoy, but these three mamas and their kiddos always make my heart smile - even if they don't know it - I'm also starting to connect with lots of great people connected to the medical world through Your Doctor's Wife's Medical Monday linkup and when I actually get around to it Lisa Jo's 5 Minute Fridays. I love that both of these places allow me to find others in similar positions and make connections - I need to work harder at building those connections and following up, but I'm just getting started and it's hard stepping out of those lurker shadows - but I'm doing it and I really hope that by pushing myself this way, I can make some real connections - so that next time, I can shout from the rooftops about my amazing blogger friend - instead of quietly whispering about being a fan of these ladies!

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Owen has a new favorite song and he has let it be know as he constantly requests "le ih shi" and sings along each time you repeat the line. This kid is always amazing me in new and exciting ways.

Today, he is 19 months old and saying about 120 words on his own (not repeating - probably about 200 that he'll repeat) and he's often starting to use 2 words sentences - even with the pronoun "I" like "I tuck (stuck)" or "I bonk" - which he says regularly while whacking himself in the head - silly boy. He's also starting to use a few adjectives and pointing out some body parts (consistently eyes, but sometimes ears, nose, head, and mouth) but he doesn't like to play the body parts game much - he's much rather be climbing or running or being silly. But he also loves to be cozy too, cuddle up with blankets to watch "trucks" (Mater's Tall Tales) or Backyardigans which he still loves or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and occasionally Sesame Street since he loves Elmo, but he does not like Abby's Flying Fairy School and always makes me fast-forward it.

Owen is still a big guy and was 80th percentile for height and 90th for weight at his 18 month checkup - not chubby at all, but just an all around big kid - although he does have a super cute little toddler belly!

He's starting to understand more about daddy being on call, where before he would just start to get fussy on call evenings without really being consolable or understanding, but now you can tell him that "daddy has to sleep in the hospital today" and he seems to get it and calm down. It doesn't stop him from asking for "da-Dee" ten times a day, but it does stop the fits when daddy doesn't come. He is also starting to do really well with being dropped off in the nursery at church - sometimes we still have a little trouble, but most days he walks right in and plays happily! So thrilled and proud of my big boy! Last Sunday, we were actually planning to keep him with us since he was acting tired, but he pointed at the nursery and kept repeating "kihs, kihs (kids)" - so cute, and he went right in and played like crazy the whole time! It's amazing watching him develop this new-found independence!

I've been working really hard on making him (and future kiddos) a quiet book or busy book and I have a few more pages to go before I put things all together to make his first book (hoping to end up with 4 that get harder). I'm also working on getting everything together to start 2 year old homeschool preschool this August - hopefully if everything is ready it will be easier to stick to with a 2yo and 2mo. It's been amazing watching him learn the last 6 months and I can't wait to see where he goes with some more structure and guidance (working on moving towards some school-like play now so he'll be ready when the time comes). His attention span is already MUCH longer and he's really getting into reading books - he even repeated 3 letters the other day!

Each new step, I'm amazed that this is my kid and that he is growing and developing so well, but as proud as I am I still mourn just a little the baby he was. Every day he is bigger and needs me less (he uses forks and spoons by himself 80% of the time - he hardly lets me feed him - and that over there to the left is a 5 block tower) and he is becoming more of his own little person - and soon I'll have two clamoring for my attention - so right now I'm soaking up every snuggle and hug (he gives the BEST hugs or huggies as he calls them) and cuddle and kiss that I can get!

I love you, little man! And I am so proud to be your mommy and so glad that God has blessed us, so that I can stay home with you and watch you grow!

Owen - soon to be big brother

Hey big kid,
You amaze me more and more each day and I can't wait to see you as a big brother. I know that you will love Noah so much - and that you already do, since you give me big smiles when we talk about baby Noah and you kiss my belly. I also know, that this is going to be hard for you. Mommy was the oldest kid and so was daddy, so we both have an idea of the position we are putting you in. There will be times that you want and need us and we will be busy with Noah and/or other baby brothers/sisters that you may have later - but I need you to know that nothing will ever change the love I have for you.

You, my owee - my firstborn, you made me a mommy. You made me into the person that I have always wanted to be and I can never thank you enough for that. You might drive me crazy sometimes, you might make messes on purpose, and beg for attention, and play too rough - but you love like crazy and that is amazing to see. Today when your girlfriend came over, you so sweetly were determined to feed her her bottle - I worried that you would try to steal it, but you didn't a single time, you just wanted to love on her and help take care if her. I know that sometimes you might get jealous and you might resent being the oldest and being the big kid, but I want you to always know in your heart that you were the one who taught my heart to love in a way that I never knew how before and that will never change - I will always love you like that and if you are ever feeling left out or like I'm not paying attention to you, please tell me, so we can fix it, because mommy never wants you or Noah or any other babies we have to feel unloved or unimportant - none of you will ever be second best to me - each and every one of you is a gift from God and so important to me in your own unique ways - and no one can or will ever replace you in my heart.

Jealous much?

My time being just your mommy has been so precious to me, and you have helped me to grow in so many ways - you've taught me so much about love and patience and flexibility and not judging others (or myself) and you've made me a better mommy and a better person in more ways than you could possibly know.

I love every bit of you, always let your light shine!

Love,
Mama

Let your light shine! Never lose that joyful spirit!

too fast

I cannot even begin to process and understand how quickly this has all happened. Like some others I know and/or read out there I spent years wishing my life away. I couldn't wait for this or that next step to start, so I could get on with it and "start my life already." I wish somewhere along the way I would have realized that this is my life. I didn't need to rush my way through high school and college and my grad degree. I didn't need to be in such a rush with past relationships - I ended up exactly where I needed to be and with exactly who I needed in God's timing - definitely not my own.

Now, I still struggle with wishing for the next step to just be here already my life away (if I'm really honest) - I still find myself wishing this school year would be over - wishing we would be through with making all these life-altering decisions - wishing that we would know where we were going to live and to have just moved there already and be settled (somewhere, anywhere, oh to be settled!). These have been years of change which has been very difficult for this controlling girl who loves her structure and routine. God has shown me over and over that I am not in control - yet it's still a struggle to let go even placing things in His hands, which I know are far more competent than my own.

At the same time, Owen makes me wish I could stop time in it's tracks. He makes me want to press pause/rewind even and do it all over and over again. I can't even begin to express how much I love this kid. I couldn't wait to be a mommy. I spent my whole life pushing through everything else - wanting to just get through it so that I could get RIGHT here, yet now that I'm here it's going too fast! Motherhood, I'm learning, is learning to swim in a sea of contradictions. I'm not letting him cry enough...or too much. I'm feeding him too much...or too little. I'm holding him too much...or too little. I just can't seem to find the right balance between what I thought I would do and what others think I should do and what my baby is telling me he wants/needs. It seems for every voice saying that something I am doing or thinking is right there are three others telling me how harmful it is. I suppose this is how it will always be - there is no perfect equation - no right answer - only everyone doing everything that they know to figure it out and do it right. I hate how as much as I worry about doing things wrong and the judgement of others, but the reason I worry so much about being judged it that I am so darn judgmental.  I read blogs about all kinds of parents and I judge that they are too attachment or not attachment enough. I struggle so deeply with my own perfectionism that I project it onto others - as if because I don't know that none of us are perfect. I've always thought of my expectations in levels. I expect perfection from myself and in an act of "generosity" I expect slightly less than perfection out of everyone else. I allow them mistakes more than myself, but I still feel like others should feel that same self-imposed pressure that I do to perform.

It took me a long time to realize that as much as I don't think of myself as a proud person - in fact, I'm quite self-conscious - that perfectionism is a manifestation of pride. Really, I think I am soo great that I can do what only God can do...I am so amazing that I'm the only creation capable of achieving perfection...I am so much better than others that I couldn't possibly hold them to the same standards as myself. No wonder, I don't have any friends. Who wants to be under all that pressure all the time? Who wants to be friends with someone who expects the best from herself but a sub-par performance from others? How genuine can my encouragement or praise feel when I was beating myself up for a similar (possibly better) performance when it was my turn? Lord, help me to have Your standards and to leave the judgement to You. Help me to strive to bring You glory and to do my best - whatever my best is. Help me to appreciate others who do the same. Help me to be a genuine encouragement and source of strength and support to others; rather than a set of impossibly high expectations and pressure to perform.

Well, this was all over the place, but as it's been said many times and ways if you want to be a writer...write. Someday, I want to be good at this. To say what I really mean and think and feel. To be understood without repeated repetition and adaptation that goes on until I, myself, am unsure of what I intended to say. So, I'm going to write. I want to be more outgoing and share myself with others so I will. I just can't promise perfection (or even to be good at it) - I've always quit things I didn't excel at immediately and I don't want that for Owen - so it's time to make the changes instead of just talking about them. It's time to do this instead of talking about it, or trying to be secretive and hope people I know won't find it. It's time to be real and honor God's creation in me instead of allowing fear (read: the devil) to scare me into hiding my light.

missing out/not enough

When does this guilt stop? When do I stop feeling like I could have should have done just about everything a little bit better than I did. I should be devoting more time and energy to my baby boy! He is growing and changing soo fast. I should be devoting more time and energy to my husband - the poor guy is amazing and works his butt off - he deserves some attention and appreciation. I should be devoting more time and energy to my class. They deserve a teacher who isn't struggling to stay awake in the afternoon counting the minutes until she get to go home and be with her baby. I should be devoting more time and attention to myself. I can't remember the last time I wasn't doing three things at once with a to-do list a mile long trailing behind me. Even when J takes on some of the burden, I still have an unending list of things only I can do (i.e. breastfeeding...lesson plans...organizing...cooking anything that doesn't have directions). I should be devoting more time and energy to myself. A girl should get to shower more than once every three days. A girl should get to put on makeup and actually do her hair more than twice a month. Errr! Why can't the day just be a few hours longer?!