Noah's Arrival - Part 2 - Induction & Delivery

Warning: this is a birth story and does get a little graphic - if that creeps you out - just skip this one - although it does end with this guy! :)

We got a little sleep Monday night and questioned whether this was the beginning stages of labor and whether or not J should go into work Tuesday, but we decided if it was he could always come back home so J went to work and Owen and I had a pretty typical day - although we were fairly housebound other than swim lessons - since I had to, you know, pee in a bucket and store it in the fridge!

J got home fairly early and we had some dinner and family time before we went over to the hospital to drop off my "specimen" at the outpatient lab. Then it was back home, bedtime for Owen, shower for me, and dishes for J. We had only been home for about an hour and a half when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize on the caller id. 

I hopped out of the shower and answered the call that changed everything. It was the doctor on call from my OB practice and she explained to me that what was supposed to happen this evening was that I should have dropped off my urine and waited at the hospital for the results so they could decide whether or not to admit me to induce - only they had forgotten to tell me that part! Turns out the cutoff for protein in your urine to be diagnosed with pre-eclampsia is 300 somethings/something (technical I know) - and my labs came back at 306! So, they were officially diagnosing me with pre-e and I was supposed to get my things together, figure out what to do with Owen, and get into the hospital ASAP to start cervadil that night and begin induction with pitocin in the morning. 

I went downstairs and based on my face J thought I was going to tell him my water had broken, but instead I relayed the doctor's orders and we got to work figuring out what to do and rearranging J's schedule and letting his colleagues know he'd be out for a while. We decided that since O refused to sleep at L's house that we'd bring him to the hospital while I was admitted and then J would go home and sleep with him and bring him over to L's in the morning before things got started. J also called his mom so she could get on a flight first thing in the morning and get O from L's house that afternoon.

J, Owen, and I hung out at the hospital while I was admitted and the cervadil was placed - then it was bedtime. J brought Owen home and I started the night of no sleep that should never precede delivery! Noah and I were on monitors all night with blood pressure checks every half hour. Noah, as he typically did in utero, kept moving like crazy and nurses were in my room every half hour to hour to readjust things because Noah's heart rate wasn't showing up on the monitors and all of this was on top of fairly regular contractions! Err! By 6am, I was glad that it was morning and time to get things started because that meant I was that much closer to getting out of there! (Ha!) 

I was able to get up and remove the cervadil and shower which felt really nice - by the time all the checks and everything were done I was only dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced - which I had been 2cm dilated  and 60% effaced the night before - so it didn't feel too great to hear. They started up the pitocin and upped the dose every hour - and it seemed to me that everything was going horribly slowly - contractions really intensified, so I'm not sure of the timeline from here on out, but I'll record what I do know and remember. After I'd been on the pitocin a while, maybe an hour or so - a nurse came to check my cervix and I was dilated to a 3 or so but shortly after she left I started leaking a little, but I wasn't sure if my water had broken or not. We changed out the bedding and they told me that my water hadn't broken, but I just kept leaking and within about 1/2 an hour it was clear that my water had in fact broken - and my doc came in to check me and break my water just as I was on my way to the bathroom and had a big gush on the floor. Dr. Emily was glad my waters had broken on their own - so we continued on upping pitocin, which was making my contractions really strong, but not very regular - I continued gushing fluid on a regular basis (which I didn't remember happening with Owen) and contractions kept getting stronger and stronger. I bounced on the birthing ball for a while, which helped some, but not significantly.

 I didn't have much range of movement with Noah on the monitors and my blood pressure being taken every 10-30 minutes and the pit and antibiotics (for group B strep) IV - so I couldn't do much else, but after around an hour contractions were getting too intense and I had to lay down again.  My blood pressure also continued to rise and at some point, we started mag - and I was told that I'd have to stay on it for at least 24hrs after his birth. Around this time, I was checked again and I was only dilated between a 5-6 and I was soo discouraged as I was nearing my pain threshold and it seemed I had so far to go and I had planned on doing things as naturally as possible. I denied pain meds, but then after talking with J, we had my Dr. come back and tell me about pain management options - let me tell you, inductions are no joke and are WAY worse than natural labor, at least in my experience. She explained the different IV pain meds and I chose Stadol, because she said that although it took a little longer to work -  it lasted longer. Man oh man, do I wish I hadn't done that! It was horrible! I know everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but I wouldn't recommend that stuff to anyone. It did not lessen my pain AT ALL and it made me feel SO loopy and out of it. For the next hour or so, everything is incredibly blurry and I just remember feeling so much pain and being confused and scared and convinced that I could not do this. Pain kept increasing and I asked for an epidural even though I felt so disappointed in myself and felt like I was failing Noah! The Stadol started wearing off and I felt less loopy, but still in incredible pain and I was starting to feel a lot of pressure to push with my contractions. Dr, Emily agreed that an epidural was a good idea because my blood pressure kept rising and I was in so much pain and putting a lot of stress on both of us - so it was ordered and it seemed like it was taking forever. I kept asking if there would still be time and I was assured that their would be. My doctor was about to go back checking on other patients but the nurses told her I was feeling a little "pushy" so she stuck around and I'm glad she did - because from this point it couldn't have been much more than 10 minutes before Noah was born.

Somewhere in the last hour or so before his birth as all of this was happening, I remember Dr. Emily telling me that Noah's face was turned to the side and she was trying to turn him and I also remember her asking if it was okay if a medical student who was shadowing her watched and I consented (poor girl was probably traumatized - I remember watching her shrink further and further into the corner as everything went down). All of a sudden I felt tremendous pressure and without even trying I was half in the air pushing - I literally couldn't hold him in - everyone rushed into action - my doctor ripping her jacket off and throwing on gloves and nurses holding my legs in the air as the removed the bottom portion of the bed telling me to try not to push - it was a crazy flurry of activity and the memory of it makes me smile and laugh - no one expected things to progress soo quickly at the end - during this whole process the anesthesiologist strolled in amidst all of this activity and me yelling and groaning out during contractions - somewhere in this process I remember being given an oxygen mask and told to breathe deeply - the anesthesia was sent away as he was obviously too late - in a matter of seconds after the first stifled push that brought on the rush to prepare and I was told that I could push if I needed too, and two pushes later - Noah James entered the world - 13:05 - 9lb8oz - 20.25in. Apparently, he turned on his way out and like his brother he had his cord wrapped around his neck. It was funny, how many things were so alike between each birth experience and how many we're different - as I pushed and pushed trying to get Owen out and was yelled at to push harder and Noah - who was much bigger - rocketed his way into the world.

To be continued...

Noah's Arrival - Part 1 - Preface

Monday night, 5/27, J was on call for the Memorial Day holiday (and most everyone else was out of town) and at about 6:30 in the evening I was feeling kinda crummy and weird, so I checked my BP and I didn't write it down, so I've forgotten it now, but it was pretty darn high, so I called up J and he told me I had to call the OB, who told me that I needed to come in to be monitored. I called J back and he started trying to make arrangements to leave the hospital and he told me to  plan on taking Owen over to my friend L's house to spend the night - because most likely they would be inducing that night with the high BP, since I was 37 weeks that day. 

I packed up our things and brought O over to L's house by about 8 and I had a really hard time leaving him, not sure if I would see him again before having Noah or not - and really not ready to say goodbye to being just Owen's mom. But, I pulled myself away and drug myself in to L&D to get checked out. It took another hour for J to get there, and meantime my BP was steadily remaining high, 160s/100s, but Noah looked great on the monitors and I was contracting fairly frequently - J and I were sure that it was only a matter of hours before we would be starting an induction. Yet, after 4 hours in triage, we got word that they were sending me home, that I was only dialated to a 1 even with all the contractions, and I needed to do a 24hr urine catch to be sure that this still wasn't pre-eclampsia. 

We gathered up our things, a little disappointed to once again be leaving the hospital with high/dangerous BPs and no baby. It felt like we constantly "crying wolf" and J kept ditching out of work only to go back and say "still no baby." Although, you really can't ignore blood pressure as high as mine was and there is no way that J wouldn't come if I needed to be in the hospital. So, at midnight I went to pick up O from L's house (where he hadn't slept at all - eek soo sorry L!) and J went to get us some food. We converged at home and got to bed some time after one a little disappointed, but glad that Noah and I were both stable and ready to wait until my induction the next week. 

To be continued...

Birth plans...and when things don't happen according to plan

So, birth plans...ha! I laugh in the face of birth plans - or at least my children laugh in my face for thinking I could plan their births.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the idea of birth that I have in my head and how things are supposed to go and how smooth and gentle and natural. How calm - breathing through contractions - pushing and working hard, of course, but still beautiful - and I'm sure highly "hollywoodized." Except, it isn't just Hollywood promoting this beautiful birth picture in my head, that might actually be easier to press aside, it's my dad telling me all these Christian things about how I don't have to feel any pain and how I'm delivered from that and I need to have faith in God and so on and so forth - on one hand I want to say "dude, you are a dude - you aren't allowed to have an opinion here" and on the other it's really hard not to feel like I'm letting him down, like I'm not strong enough or I don't have enough faith to believe for the healing that he so believes for - and there really are women who say that it was all smooth and easy, etc. Then on top of that, you have the idea and fact that my mom had very healthy pregnancies and had both my brother and sister at home with a midwife - so that was my plan and ideal growing up - I was born in the hospital, but that was "due to the midwife rupturing membranes too soon and my parents not listening to the prompting of the Spirit to wait" - I was good with that idea - I was good with childbirth being hard but natural and beautiful and almost spiritual. This is the same ideal promoted by midwives and the "crunchy" and the naturally minded - "women have been doing this on their own in fields for thousands of years and getting up and getting to work...." And so on and so forth.

Yet, things haven't worked out for me that way in the birthing and pregnancy department - you can read/reread Owen's birth story here - things just don't always look the way you see them in your head - and I'm trying to cope with that and my vastly different reality without embracing/claiming it as MY fault or feeling badly about how I'm not strong enough or healthy enough or how I don't have enough faith. I'm really, really struggling with that and how to think about it and what the right perspective should be (although I do think it is a sign of a healthy grip on postpartum emotions that I am able to articulate this struggle). It's just hard when things don't go the way we hope they will - although I need to say that I know how completely and entirely blessed we are that things worked out as well as they did and that we all came out of the experience healthy and strong with no serious problems or issues! I'm working on writing up Noah's birth story and will post part one tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful of this space for the last month - but I've been focusing on my little family and enjoying J's time off (we saved his vacation so he could have 2 weeks off after Noah arrived and it was amazing having him home and then my parents were here for two weeks after that), but now we are starting to get into more of a routine and get the little issues we've head under control, so I should be back here more regularly from now on! Thanks for your congratulations and support and for sticking around while I disappeared for a while!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 31

Challenge Day 31: A vivid memory

Clearly - my most recent memory is somewhat overwhelmed with the events of the last week - but I want to devote a little more time to documenting that story correctly - so instead we are going to go a different direction - but first off - Hooray for me (and all of you out there!!) for actually blogging every day in May! I didn't know if I could do it and with the developing health issues and actually having Noah and being stuck in the hospital this week - I almost gave up so many times, but I really feel like I grew a lot this month and I'm proud I pulled this off! Anyway...


"G....come out! It's not funny!....G! GEEEE, WHERE ARE YOU?!!?!? The GAME IS OVER! COME OUT! It isn't funny! G, come out! G please, please, please come OUT! YOU WIN - just come out!" I was 8 or 9 years old and my little sister (G) was 3 or 4 - and she didn't start talking until she was 5. My parents had left me in charge while they were running an errand and my brother, one of his friends, my sister, and I all decided to play hide-n-seek. G was very good at hide-n-seek. We all hid and played several rounds of the game before we realized that G hadn't been out between the last few rounds and that no one had seen her in a while. We stopped the game and all started to call out for her and look for her throughout the house. We checked every closet and every hiding place we each knew. We looked for what seemed like forever calling out for her, after a while, I was screaming and crying out her name, begging her to just COME OUT! I began to panic - we were all panicking, but I, I was in charge, it was my responsibility to be keeping her(them) safe and she was gone. We searched the yard, yelling down the street, and went back to searching the house again. Keep in mind, this was the early 90s and there were no cell phones - there was no calling my parents and asking them to come home - there was simply searching and waiting for them to arrive to tell them that she was gone (or call the police - but I was too scared to do that). We started to re-search the house. Checking each place, looking for other smaller hiding places that we might have missed. The entire incident probably took place in 20-30 minutes - although it felt like hours years! We found her, eventually, in the back corner of a closet, on top of a four foot high pile of boxes squeezed into a 3-4 cubic foot space above the boxes under the shelf, behind several winter coats - in a space that none of us knew existed and wouldn't have expected her to be able to fit in even if we had known of it. And when we found her - she laughed - she had sat there, listening to the panic in all of our voices, listening to us cry and scream and yell, silently waiting to be found. I don't know that she would have ever come out. Unfortunately, this is not my only memory of panic - searching for G - in many different places - over the course of several years - with and without my parents - always with the added fear of knowing that she couldn't tell anyone her name or phone number or what her family looked like or anything else to help her to be found. Thankfully, she eventually overcame her mutism/speech delay and her penchant for hiding and torturing us all - because I'm sure her husband probably wouldn't appreciate either ;) - but I will forever remember those feelings or terror thinking that I had lost her forever. I love you, baby sister, but man, the scared 9-year-old big sister inside me still wants to beat you up for that!

37 weeks

Baby's size: Winter Melon [about 19.1 inches, 6.3 lb.] - not sure why I still include this :) - if we make it that far, I have another growth ultrasound on Friday and we'll see where we are then!

How far along: 37 Weeks

Sleep: Doing a little better at making bedtime a priority - not as well as I'd like, but actually in bed most nights by around 11 and that's an improvement - J has been on call every other day this week, so that makes falling asleep a little harder, but I'm working on it!

Maternity Clothes: we've discussed - clothes no longer fit - even my maternity wardrobe is dwindling dangerously - pretty soon I'll have to switch over to J's clothes! LOL!

Food cravings: nope - although this Whole Foods Chocolate Decadence cake is pretty flipping fantastic, but I'm fairly certain that's true pregnant or not!

Food aversions: nada

Symptoms I HAVE: Lotsa heartburn happening here! Also, my hips feel like they are going to break in half when I get up in the middle of the night - during the day I'm fine, but I get super stiff at night, like a brittle old lady, and I feel like my bones might crumble! More Braxton Hicks all the time - hopefully they're being productive, but I was still only dialated to a 1 on Friday at the OB and still at a 1 on Monday at the hospital! Getting nervous/anxious about Noah's arrival and an impending induction!! I'm still really hoping to go into labor naturally, and trying not to get discouraged that things aren't progressing more quickly!

Doctor’s Appointment: Went to the doc on Friday, BP still moderately high, but stable - so she decided we should schedule my induction for 6/5 (going in the night of 6/4 for cerdavil since cervix isn't favorable yet) - baby boy has 9 days to get himself ready to get here - I'm really worried about starting an induction and ending up with a c-section because my body wasn't ready - but I need to trust the Lord and my doctor and know that everything will come together the way it is supposed to, even if it is different from what I have in my head - what matters is that Noah is healthy and gets here safely! Then, Monday evening I was feeling a little funny and checked my BP - and it was 158/96 - so I called the OB on call and she of course wanted me to go in to be monitored - brought Owen over to my friend, L's, house by 8 and J did what he had to do to get out of the hospital even though he was on call and it was a holiday! Then we spent 4 hours in triage - Noah was great on the monitors (except that he kept moving out of range) - and my BP was pretty scary high for a while, they made me lay on my left side and it improved a lot - I was also having contractions every 4-5 minutes that started to get pretty painful on my side, but they weren't causing any cervical change and BP lowered enough - so they sent us home! J is beginning to feel like the boy who cried wolf leaving work over and over for trips to L&D that don't end with a baby in our arms - but what can you do? A BP like that needs to be monitored! Anyway, Owen didn't sleep at all at L's house (I picked him up just after midnight) - so today I had a migraine from the lack of sleep and stress of last night and O was a cranky mess - but we made it through! Here's to one more week!

Movement: With the way this kid has been moving in utero - I almost expect him to come out rolling over and crawling around! He is always on the go and super strong!

Belly Button: Innie - long 1/2 flat innie - it's looking weird, peeps!

Gender: Still a boy and he makes sure we know it at every weekly ultrasound - Noah is not shy!

Best moment of the week: Finally having an end date in sight, it's been making me so nervous having 3 different possible induction dates - I'm glad we can finally prepare - like I said, I hope he comes on his own before then so we don't have to deal with all the induction junk, but it's good to be able to plan and prepare! And it's good to know that my BP is/was stable enough to wait for 38 weeks and that she didn't feel like we needed to take him early! (Just turned in another 24 hr urine - so hoping that comes back good and nothing changes here!)

What I’m looking forward to: Holding this little guy on the outside - I know I'm going to miss having him on the inside, because I still miss having Owen on the inside sometimes, but it's getting really real that Noah will be here soon and I can't wait to meet him, but I also want him to grow and be totally strong and healthy - so I don't want to rush him either!

What I miss: This week I miss my mom - I'm getting really sad that she isn't going to be here for this delivery - she was in the room when I had Owen - and I am just starting to worry about how all of the logistics of everything are going to work - and while I know that my MIL is coming to help - it's just not the same - I want my momma! Although she will be here for a while after J goes back to work and that's better than just having her here for a few days earlier! Just a little sad and lonely for her this week! Miss my mom!


UPDATE: So much for 1/2 of this post - I just got a call from the hospital and I'm being induced tonight! Ahh!

{I borrowed the format for these entries from Eight Days a Week - who borrowed it from Finding Beauty in the Ordinary}

Blog Every Day in May: Day 26

Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.

*Disclaimer - I am not a doctor or an expert on sleep, sleep safety, or anything else - everything stated here is simply my understanding and my opinion - please research these ideas for yourself and make informed decisions* 

Photo from article - not shared as an opinion or endorsement either way

So, in the world of moms and babies - there are lots of opinions and sides and things to argue about - yet in the end, we all just want what is best for our babies. I was recently linked to this post through Facebook and after reading the article and some of the comments - I have to say it left me more than a little bit frustrated. I'm not here to argue for or against co-sleeping or bedsharing or crib sleeping or any other parenting choice when it comes to getting your kid to sleep - those are your decisions and you need to know the risks and benefits of each option - weigh them accordingly - and make your informed parenting decisions. It's not my place to say what you should or shouldn't do.

There are two things that really, really frustrated me about this article and the responses it was getting. First, this article, and many others like it, uses the terms "bed-sharing" and "co-sleeping" interchangeably. This is soo confusing to many new parents as they hear about all of the "benefits of co-sleeping" from many different places - then read something like this and are completely unsure of what to do. Bed-sharing is the practice that this study actually refers to, that is often linked to SIDS and can be quite dangerous - although many, many families bed-share successfully and safely by following many of the precautions discussed in the article as well as others. The family bed is not a new concept. Co-sleeping is not the same thing as bed-sharing - co-sleeping is having your infant in the same room as you to sleep, but sleeping in a separate sleep structure (bassinet, pack n' play, crib, sidecar crib, etc). This practice is considered much safer by many experts and is said to lower SIDS risk as parents are in close proximity to baby and can hear breathing, etc., to more closely monitor the infant. It drives me crazy that the terms are so often switched and then dangers or benefits linked to studies of one or the other are misinterpreted. Secondly, when reading through the comments it drives me crazy and hurts my heart the way we respond to information like this - on both sides. If you are informed and make educated decisions about how you are raising your children - then there is no reason to have hurt feelings, be defensive, cursing, and attacking in your response to information that disagrees with your stance. Your experience is your own, and while often a minority opinion will feel marginalized, it will never help your case to attack the other side.

What do you think? Why do we get so caught up in attacking those who disagree with us and tearing them down? Why can't we disagree and still get along? Or am I just being naive? This issue in particular is a safety issue, and I understand being passionate about your position and sharing information with others to help keep kids safer - and I'm all for that, but can't we (on both sides) look at that information objectively and make our decisions - instead of blindly following "rules" or calling studies "crap" because they do/don't agree with what you were told?

Blog Every Day in May: Day 15

Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)

Well, our days these days are anything but typical - as we're spending 70-80% if the day cuddled up on the couch to keep icky blood pressures away, but today we have a lot going on, so here we go - hopefully I don't overdo it and end up getting in trouble at my BP check this afternoon!

Wednesday, May 15

4:13am - Peeing in a bucket and stickin' it in the fridge! What a glamorous way to start the day! Finishing up my 24hr urine collection to check again for protein - gotta make sure these high blood pressures are not turning into pre-eclampsia.
5:09am - Owen is crying, go pick him up and bring him back to our bed to cuddle - both back to sleep!
8:53am - finishing up the 24hr urine collection at 9 - so last pee in the bucket and head back to bed, but I spill my giant water cup all of over the floor and wake Owen up - he has a stuffy nose and doesn't sound great! He pouts for a few minutes, but by 8:58 - he's found Chicken Dance Elmo and is happily bopping along to the music and ready for a diaper change! - Owen is already hiding in the pillows and saying "camra" "pi-chur" "no" - this is going to be a long day!

9:15am - Owen cuddles under the covers and watches a little Jake, while mommy gets ready for the day, then it's time to "bruch" and we have to have our "vi-ma-mins"

9:30am - Downstairs - potty break for the doggies and breakfast time for us - as we were heading out the door Owen coughed up some boogers and we had to whip out the "bot-bot" and Owen was of course as enthralled as ever!

9:45-10:30am - Off the the doctor - drop off urine and have blood drawn - woohoo!

10:40-11:45am - Head off the the park for 20 minutes before Owen has to be trapped again at the Chiropractor! This day has already been crazy and it isn't even lunchtime yet - Owen is not amused!

11:45-2pm - Dairy Queen drive-thru for lunch - followed by naptime, laundry and blood pressure check for mom - it's looking a little high - getting a little worried for my appointment!

 *At this point things got a little crazy so the rest of the day had only a few pics and all gets shoved into one collage*

2:15pm - Snacktime and a little time to play outside before we head back to the OB at 3.
3pm - BP worse than it's been and we get sent to L&D AGAIN (except Daddy is at work this time! oh no!) Owee was great and hung out eating gummies - we had to stay in L&D with blood pressure checks and fetal monitoring, while they waited for the results of my 24hr urine and blood tests from this morning (which hadn't been ordered STAT). Daddy rushed over from work.
4:45pm -  My results were back - urine negative for protein, so still no pre-eclampsia for this momma - and I was released with a prescription for blood pressure medicine!  This was followed by a trip to the pharmacy - a ladybug friend hitching a ride on my toe and car naps for Owen!
6pm - Mom's night out! I thought I'd be missing out on my mom's night out dinner tonight with my fellow pregnant momma's in the area, but I was released just in time to make it! J took Owen home and I was able to enjoy some mama time and some super yummy BBQ!
9:30pm - Back home, Owen is asleep and I get to work editing photos and getting this blog post together!

11pm - Finally finished and ready for bed!


How was your day? Was it as eventful as mine?? I'm ready for a nice calm day tomorrow and hoping these blood pressure meds do their job so this baby can hang out for a while longer! I don't know about you, but I'd really rather go into labor naturally than induce - and if things don't get under control I know that's coming (as it was actually a possibility today!)

35 weeks

Baby's size: Coconut [about 18.2 in., 5.25 lb.] - 6lb12oz last week during the growth ultrasound - so I'm guessing at least 7 now!

How far along: 35 Weeks

Sleep: meh

Maternity Clothes: finally warm enough for skirts a few days this week - shirts are barely covering my belly anymore!

Food cravings: none

Food aversions: none

Symptoms I HAVE: heartburn, millions of potty breaks, high blood pressure

Doctor’s Appointment: well, this will be a long one - after my appointment last Monday I did a 24hr urine collection to check for protein and blood tests - they all looked good, but I was supposed to have a BP check Wednesday (but my doc was in surgery - so it was pushed to Thursday with another doc). On Thursday, my BP was even higher than on Monday and doc #2 decided I needed to be sent over to L&D for monitoring - BP stayed pretty high and doc #3 decided to keep me overnight for observation - in the morning after all the labs and monitoring - my doc determined that based on my labs all being good that I only have gestational hypertension and we need to watch it carefully, but essentially not do much as of right now - although we probably will end up inducing (not sure when yet). So, until then weekly appointments and BPPs (bio-physical profile - special ultrasound) - today was the first, BPP was great but my blood pressure was even higher than it's been - so doing another 24hr urine collection and another blood pressure check scheduled for Wednesday. Oh, and on top if everything else, I tripped and fell at the park and hit my stomach on a piece of playground equipment on Saturday so I got to spend another  4hrs in the hospital on monitors getting Noah checked out - which he was completely fine and I just felt stupid and embarrassed for falling and wasting our Saturday after already messing up the week with my prior hospital visit - and don't even get me started on what I'm sure are the impending bills from all of this! That's enough to get anyone's blood pressure on the rise!

Movement: This kiddo isn't stopping for anyone! When I was in the hospital, he moved so much while we were on the monitors that they had to come in every ten minutes or so to reposition things to keep him on the monitor! Silly boy!

Belly Button: Innie

Gender: Baby Boy

Best moment of the week: when the nurse removed my IV - I HATE IVs!

What I’m looking forward to: holding this kiddo in my arms and not having everyone constantly worried about me anymore!

What I miss: the freedom of being healthy - this whole blood pressure thing is really bumming me out!

{I borrowed the format for these entries from Eight Days a Week - who borrowed it from Finding Beauty in the Ordinary}

Blog Every Day in May: Day 9

Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)

A moment I was hoping to avoid - spending my evening in L&D getting serial blood pressure checks and NST - since my BP was high at my appointment this afternoon! Boo! Trying to stay positive - but this is a less than fun family evening!


Update 5/10 - I was admitted to watch my blood pressure overnight - it continued to go down, but not fantastically. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension as I have no signs of pre-eclampsia other than the high BP. I was released at about 10am today and the plan is to watch me closely and keep this baby cooking for a while longer! So, thankful that it turned out this way, as blood pressure can be really scary!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 7

Day 7 Challenge: The thing(s) you're most afraid of

 I've never been big on being afraid - really of anything - other than emotional stuff like rejection, etc. and I will NOT watch any movie about demons/ghosts/exorcisms or anything like that - I believe in a very real spiritual realm and I just won't open doors to any of that - heck no, techno! Even with my limited experience with fear, I wouldn't say I was ever the reckless stupid type, I've always been more of the cautious goody-goody type and that prevents a lot of reckless/stupid - not all, but a lot. Anyway, I was the baby playing with spiders and lizards in the backyard - always the Daddy's girl - and I know my mom and even my brother called me to catch many a bug growing up. I'm not afraid of snakes or really of heights or anything like that, but since becoming a mom - the thing I am most afraid of...like so afraid of I can barely type it "out loud"....is dying - especially dying young. 

I know that this is a common fear, but it's one that has been entirely new to me. I grew up knowing that being "absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord" - so I was never scared of dying - sure I was scared that however I died might hurt, but the death part, not so much. Heaven sounded pretty cool and I always felt like when it was my time it would just be my time and so be it. 

Yet, now, things are different. I'm still not scared of dying for myself - I know I'll be "all good" up there - but I'm scared for what it would mean for J and for my kids. Sure, I'm afraid of how we would make it without J, but it scares me more to think how they would suffer without me. Kids without a mom, how J's career would suffer, and how different all of their lives would be. Not to say I'm just soo super awesome and I could never be replaced, but I'm their MOM and you really can't replace that. I have never heard a single person of any age, who had lost their mom, who was not still struggling with it years later - we need our mommas, whether we are 2 or 5 or 22 or 55 - moms are really, really important - and I want to do everything I can to be here for these boogers and their daddy for a good, long time! I know that I am not in control and that God is, and that there is nothing I can do to change whatever there is to come - but there really is nothing that scares me more than leaving my family behind and the aftermath of that pain. I have faith that if anything were to ever happen to me that God would give my boys/men the strength to carry on and He would protect them and give them the love and support they needed from a plethora of sources - I just don't want them to ever have to know that reality. 

Wow, that was kinda a yucky, deep, bummer of a post --- scroll on down and enjoy some ultrasound cuteness to lighten the mood! 

I love you boys (and J) and I thank and praise the Lord for each and every day of my life with you!

Since Saturday...

 otherwise known as the scariest day of this momma's life thus far.

After spending the second half of last week getting back into our routines with J back at work, I was happily preparing posts updating on our vacation and Easter celebrations and planning to plunk down Saturday evening to get a bunch of writing and photo editing done, but Saturday had a little different plan in store for our evening.

Saturday morning started off great, a friend of mine, who is newly pregnant, and I went to a local baby expo and got to spend the morning garnering lots of fun swag, checking out great baby vendors, and hearing some local doctors, midwives, and encouraging speakers - along with yummy snacks - and giveaways (I won a $100 gift certificate to a local medspa - not sure what I'll use it for, but still cool!). Then I came home and we decided that since it was such a gorgeous day we would walk to the Walmart (a little over 1/2 mile away) to pick up a few things and have dinner at one of the restaurants in the surrounding area - great plan right? We thought so, get some exercise, enjoy the beautiful spring weather, complete our errands, and have a family date all in one....

Well, we got to Walmart and there was an old military helicopter in the parking lot that we glanced at on the way in and pointed out to Owen. Then, as we are shopping, O continued to chant "copter, copter, copter" all through the store. So, on our way out we stopped to check it out a little more thoroughly and take some photos. Owen loved it - right up his transportation obsessed alley!

Then, Owen and momma posed on the stepladder while daddy took a few pictures, and the unthinkable happened. I was holding Owen's hands and he decided to climb onto the next step, so far, so good, then he was holding on and just as I opened my mouth to tell J to grab him because I couldn't reach him on that step and the steps were too tall for O to do on his own - Owen stepped right off the step and his foot didn't even come close to reaching the next step - J in mid-"snap" caught a picture of the asphalt as he tried, unsuccessfully to catch our son and I stood over him completely helpless to do anything but watch him fall or throw my body on top of his falling body.

It was quite literally the longest seconds of my life - everything was in slow motion as I watched his body tilt perfectly forward off of the step and fall headfirst to the asphalt almost three feet below him - straight onto his forehead - I watched him hit the ground and scrambled down the stairs as J raced towards us both of us reaching him together attempting to scoop the screaming toddler from the ground. I knew enough to know that the fact that he was instantly screaming was a very, very good sign (our God is a good good God!) - but I was still completely undone. I held my screaming, bleeding boy and was in panic mode - knowing that there was nothing I could do to undo this hurt - nothing that could change the situation that we were in and trapped in the moment that I started to tell J to grab him - that was just a little too late. I was less that present in the moment and less than nice to J, but I was at least smart enough to pray almost immediately - my arms wrapped around my sweet boy, my hand on his head, both of us bawling I cried out to God in tongues to please heal my baby boy and prevent any sort of more permanent damage.

We assessed his injuries as well as we could in the Walmart parking lot as he screamed and arched away from any contact with his injuries and we knew he needed to go the ER and get more thoroughly checked - but the panic was renewed as we remembered that we did not in fact have a car with us - and were facing a 20min+ walk home with a very pregnant me, a toddler who was not about to allow anything to be done with him but being held tight against my body, and injuries that we knew were at least somewhat serious. J kept talking to me and it was as if I could only partially hear him as I just kept telling Owen over and over how sorry I was that I let him get hurt and how much mommy wanted him to feel better and how much I loved him and all the other things that I just couldn't turn off on repeat to my poor boy - who I had failed as a mother in the biggest way I ever had in his life. It's my job to protect him, and this kid knows it, he looks to me and has no fear - he trusts me explicitly to always protect him from hurt and this was his first big hurt that I couldn't stop from happening.

I tried telling J to ask someone to drive him home, but he insisted that he would run and I would try to call my friend (who I'd been out with that morning and who lives nearby) to see if they could get J somewhere between Walmart and home to get the car quicker - we were both just so panicked in this moment and trying to determine any way to get the car and get O to the hospital as quickly as possible - so off J went and I dialed the phone walking down the street holding a screaming O on my chest above my 30 week belly in the ERGO, pushing the stroller - watching my husband running away down the street - and of course, my friend, L, couldn't understand a word I was saying into the phone in my barely outside of tears voice with O screaming over and over inches from the phone - I had to repeat myself over and over trying to explain what was going on and what we needed - finally L put her husband, C, on the phone and I was able to calm Owen enough to get the message across and C was on his way to pick us up and bring us to the ER where J could meet us (which probably made a little more sense than my plan) - we stoppped at a Dairy Queen a few blocks from Walmart to wait and I stood in the parking lot and called my mom to ask her to pray as patrons of the restaurant stared at the flustered pregnant lady and the screaming bloody toddler - no one sure what to do. I hurried off the phone with my mom as J called. He told me that a family that had seen us righ    after Owen fell in the Walmart parking lot and had thought we were rushing off to our car, but saw him running down the street and realized what was going on - so they stopped to pick him up and were driving him the rest of the way home (PRAISE THE LORD - and thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you kind strangers were that stopped to help us!). C arrived at DQ and we were starting to fold up the stroller and get Owen into one of his kids carseats when J arrived and we transferred into our own car. I felt super guilty for involving L and C, disturbing their family time, and worrying them for essentially nothing as C got there and was with me for approximately 2 minutes before J arrived - I don't ask for help well or often - and then when I do, and I turn out to not absolutely need it, I feel awful - although I am BEYOND grateful that the Lord has provided us with friends that I can call in a panic and they'll come and so thankful to L and C for putting aside their evening to help us.

We determined that since he had calmed down a little and hadn't lost consciousness that we could make the 25 minute drive to the children's hospital where J works downtown rather than the adult hospital near our house. J made some calls so they would be expecting us when we got there and off we went. It was during this drive that my heart rate was finally able to slow a little and I began to breathe a little more like a human being, but then I got another scare. While I was glad that Owen had finally stopped screaming, during the drive he started to get really drowsy, which was difficult to know if this was because it was almost 7:30 and he'd never had a late afternoon nap, or due to his head injury - so a scared mommy did everything she could to keep him awake and responsive for the rest of the drive (that I'm sure daddy was probably driving quite a bit faster than he should have).

Watching the train at the hospital right after we were discharged

We arrived at Children's and parked in employee parking - looping through the entire hospital to ER check-in, where they were expecting us with a room ready - it was so reassuring to know that these people knew J and cared about us personally - and to be able to avoid all the stress and fear that normally goes along with an ER visit as you wait what seems to be endless amounts of time for help. Every nurse knew Owen by name and knew my name and were genuinely concerned about both Owen and I (when I went to the bathroom I could see my face was bright red from the stress and the exertion of carrying around a 29lb kid for far longer than 30 week pregnant mom probably should (he was not about to let daddy hold him though). They checked him out, and as J told me on the way to the hospital it is actually his job to assess head injuries and determine what treatment and tests they need (but momma still wanted a second opinion as it is super super hard to be objective about your own kid). We were pretty worried when we were on our way, but as we arrived in the ER, O seriously perked up and started pointing out and naming things in the waiting room as we checked in - he smiled and pointed to show me a "graff" - giraffe - and "baball" - basketball - on TV then over the next 10-20 minutes he continued to show signs of perking up and being himself - so daddy and surgical fellow on call that night both agreed that he didn't need a CT scan and decided we should give him some juice and wait to make sure he kept it down and didn't show any other concerning symptoms. Nurses delivered his juice, along with a box of toy cars and a super-cool ramp, to the room and we camped out for a while to make sure he continued to improve. O happily played and ate up all the attention from the nurses until we determined he was well enough to go home under daddy's watchful eye (O didn't want to leave his toy cars, but was finally persuaded when promised the dinner we should have had hours ago and a chance to play with his doggy, Wy-Wy (Wyatt)).

Sunday morning cuddles before church

We kept O in our bed Saturday night to keep an eye on him (J woke up every 2 hours to check his breathing, etc), and I laid awake staring at him for hours - all the fear and adrenaline of the day still pouring through me - and each time I closed my eyes I would see his fall over and over again, each time unable to do anything to change it. I prayed for peace and thanked the Lord that O was okay and praised Him endlessly for the blessings and protection in our life, because I know how bad that this situation could have turned out. How wrong everything could have gone, and how each step of the way the Lord was with us, guiding and protecting us, leading us. Showing us his grace and mercy in our fear. Yesterday and today, O has continued to improve and while he has been extra cuddly, a little afraid of stairs, and more easily frustrated than normal - he is doing soo well and I so very much appreciate all the prayers of our friends, family, and my Bible study group as we were going through this scary, scary evening/weekend. I'm just amazed over and over at how blessed we are and I am so grateful for all the love and support through the whole thing and how grateful I am that scary was all it was, when it could have been so much worse. God is good all the time!

Sunday at church, still a little sad and pouty

Dinner today, mostly back to normal