It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Operation 9 Month Off - Week 3-5

Err, take 3 - I've started this post two other times, but with running off to care for babes - it's disappeared twice since I didn't save it! Anyway...I better get it done, so that I can link up with

How did I do this week: (eek - the last 3 weeks!)

Anyone want to guess why I've been AWOL the last three weeks? No, no, I'm not pregnant again...we need to give this body a little more recovery time than that! I have just completely falled off the wagon - I stopped charting my foods, I ate far too many ice cream sodas, and I didn't make exercise or even being active a priority! Err, I'm soo mad at myself - because I actually got down to 183 - which was 2 pounds below my pre-Noah weight and now I'm back up to 187! I decided it's really time to take things seriously - it's time to post real numbers and get real with my fitness journey! This isn't just about losing weight! It is about being a good example for my boys, it's about being healthy for another pregnancy in the future, it's about living better and longer with my family! So, I found a few weight loss link-ups that I plan to join in on, and on Monday I (& J) signed up for WW online. I want to lose a lot of weight and I want to lose it quickly, but I don't want to hurt my ability to nurse Noah, or to limit his nutrition or calories in any way. My issue has always been motivation and sticking to it - but I need to be motivated to be healthier for my kids - to not be the tired mom! If I am going to stick with this as I lifestyle, then I need the flexibility of something like Weight Watchers to let me have my "cheat day" while not blowing the whole diet! It doesn't do me any good to lose ten pounds only to gain it back over and over because I wasn't drinking enough water or I wasn't eating enough, etc. I really like how the new plan gives you lots of healthy options for 0 points (like the banana I just had). I did Weight Watchers in college when I was at my lowest weight (128) and it was a lifestyle that I could stick with and it was easy - but over time I slowly shifted out of that lifestyle - so I'm hoping getting back into it I can go back to the old habits that I used to have and create a new lifestyle - rather than the calorie counting that I've been doing and constant analysis of everything. As I remember, you get to the point where you know how many points most of your favorite foods are - which makes things easy! I really want this to be easy - and I'm coming to the realization - that it's just not. We've hit the 3 month mark - so if I want to hit my goals by Noah's first birthday then the 9 month countdown is officially ON! It's time to make this happen! Hopefully, finding a few friends along the way will help me stick to it!

Measurements (starting points in italics): 

• Waist (smallest point): 35" (35")
• Hips (largest point): 45" (45")
• Arms: 12" (12")
• Thighs: 28" (28")
• Chest: 40" (40")
• Weight: 187.3 (189.9)

Here's a reminder of the rewards I have planned for reaching weight loss goals:

• Reach 0 point ( 185 - post-Owen/pre-Noah weight): Get my eyebrows done - DONE
• -5 pounds: Massage
• -10 pounds: Manicure/pedicure
• -20 pounds (pre-Owen weight): New woven wrap - a shortie 
• -30 pounds: Haircut/color
• -40 pounds: Overnight date/mini vacation 
• -50 pounds (goal weight): New wardrobe (I'll need it!)

Want to do this together and help encourage one another and keep each other on track?? I'd love a partner, or several, in this! Let me know! I'm on Weight Watchers and myfitnesspal and fitbit and twitter - join me! Email or comment with your usernames and I'll friend you!

Noah's arrival - Part 3 - Postpartum

Both boys minutes after birth

Once Noah had entered the world, I expected everything to immediately return to normal, but things didn't exactly work that way. Noah was placed on my chest and after a few minutes was weighed and measured and all of that - since he was so big (9lb8oz @ 37w2d) they were a little extra concerned about him. I got about a million stitches while he was checked out. When they put him back on my chest, he was a little lazy at first and wasn't really latching on and I felt guilty thinking he was that way because I had taken the Stadol. His blood sugar was a little low, as was his body temperature. Not enough to take him to the NICU, but enough that the nurses were really pushy - they let us try to nurse for about an hour and started really pushing a bottle of formula - we requested a cup to supplement with like we had used with Noah - and they sent for lactation - and the first LC who came was way less than helpful. Noah continued to be lazy and his blood sugar dropped more, so I relented and let the pushy nurse give Jason a bottle a formula to feed him as he really hadn't eaten at all in the first few hours. They also made us keep him under the warmer's for what seemed like forever.

While I had been on the Stadol and was all loopy and confused - my MIL, D, had arrived in town and picked up Owen from L's house where J had dropped him off that morning. J let her (and everyone else) know that Noah was here - and told them (D and Owen) that they could come after we were moved to the recovery room in a few hours. Because of the blood sugar and body temp issues we stayed in the delivery room a little longer than usual, but eventually they bathed Noah, got him warmed up again, and moved us over to the other room (they didn't have warmers in the recovery rooms - so that was why we couldn't leave). 

We moved over to recovery and my blood pressure stayed high, but got a little better and after 24 hours - we were getting a little better at nursing, blood sugars and temps were stabilized, and Noah was looking pretty good - except for the fact that he was very bruised - his nose and cheeks and all along the backs of his forearms. He looked like a little boxer and as time passed he was getting a little jaundiced. J stayed in the hospital with us while D was at home with Owen - and each morning J went home to take Owen to his swim lessons, so he wouldn't miss out and end up behind. (Those lessons were amazing, but that's another post). Then, Owen would go home and nap with "Gramps" as he liked to call her - and J would come back to me - then later D would bring Owen to the hospital for dinner and a visit each day. 

Owen was not really a fan of his baby brother at first, hated being in my hospital room, and didn't want Noah anywhere near him. He just wanted to walk the halls and leave with grandma - it sort of broke my heart! But, each day he did get a little better and would let Noah a little closer to him and spent some time cuddled up with me. 

After 24 hours they took me off of the mag, but my blood pressure didn't normalize like it should have and they continued my meds from pregnancy and increased the dose. But my BP kept rising, so they started my on a second med on day 2pp and I had to stay another night :( - by day three my BP was still super high, but the doc on call agreed to increase my dose and let us go home and monitor my BP at home! Yay! 3 days in the hospital is way too long! We were finally home Saturday afternoon and able to start adjusting as a family - and have Noah's newborn pictures taken on Sunday. Within, a few days at home, Owen was very protective of Noah and always wanted to know where he was and hold him - so I was happy to know that most of his difficulty was with the hospital and not with me or his brother.  

I had a check up about a week pp and my blood pressure was normal on meds, but my doc kept me on them, but said to continue checking at home and after another week I was off of both meds as my BP started getting low! Yay! I went for another check after a week off meds and BP was normal - and it was still normal at my 6 week check! Yay! Although, Owen was a little traumatized by all of this and gets berry upset when my blood pressure is checked now - he's a smart cookie and knows that when they checked momma she went away and slept at the hospital and he did not like that! 

After discharge, Noah had to go back after 24hrs for a jaundice check and his levels were even higher so we had to go in Monday for another check - then we got a call that said he had to go the the children's hospital and have him checked again that evening since his levels were even more elevated and that if they hadn't gone down - he would have to be admitted to go under the lights - I was super upset and we prayed like crazy and nursed as much as I could possibly get him too - even more than we had been - which was every two hours since we left the hospital trying to get things back to normal. Evidently, his jaundice was greatly increased by all he bruising from birth. That night we got the hospital and they couldn't find the lab orders from our doc, so we had to wait over an hour as they got a hold of the doc to send new orders - praying and waiting and praying and waiting. They finally brought us back and drew blood - then we waited the next half hour in the can for the results - to find out if he would be admitted or go home - and praise the Lord - we got a call that his bilirubin levels had dropped drastically - way more than could have been expected - and he didn't need to be admitted! We went home and scheduled another check for Wednesday along with his 1wk checkup. He had lost more weight since he left the hospital, but was back over his birth weight and completely over all jaundice issues by his 2 week appointment! 

So, overall, we were very blessed and protected, but it was quite the stressful two weeks while both Noah and I recovered and got healthy! I was so glad that J was able to be home for those two weeks with soo many doctors appointments and the nonstop feeding and feeling crummy from the BP meds (they made me tired and really achey) - then in the middle of that time J's parents came for the weekend and then at the end of J's time off work, my parents came for two weeks. So, our first month together was very full and blessed and passed very quickly! And now, Noah is already two months old and we are finally getting into a new routine an getting back out for playdates and a more normal life. It's amazing how long it really takes to start getting back to normal with two under two (only for a few more days!).

Even though my pregnancy and delivery were not ideal, Noah was and is so completely worth any and all difficulty in getting him here! I thank the Lord every day for both of my amazing boys!

Noah's Arrival - Part 2 - Induction & Delivery

Warning: this is a birth story and does get a little graphic - if that creeps you out - just skip this one - although it does end with this guy! :)

We got a little sleep Monday night and questioned whether this was the beginning stages of labor and whether or not J should go into work Tuesday, but we decided if it was he could always come back home so J went to work and Owen and I had a pretty typical day - although we were fairly housebound other than swim lessons - since I had to, you know, pee in a bucket and store it in the fridge!

J got home fairly early and we had some dinner and family time before we went over to the hospital to drop off my "specimen" at the outpatient lab. Then it was back home, bedtime for Owen, shower for me, and dishes for J. We had only been home for about an hour and a half when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize on the caller id. 

I hopped out of the shower and answered the call that changed everything. It was the doctor on call from my OB practice and she explained to me that what was supposed to happen this evening was that I should have dropped off my urine and waited at the hospital for the results so they could decide whether or not to admit me to induce - only they had forgotten to tell me that part! Turns out the cutoff for protein in your urine to be diagnosed with pre-eclampsia is 300 somethings/something (technical I know) - and my labs came back at 306! So, they were officially diagnosing me with pre-e and I was supposed to get my things together, figure out what to do with Owen, and get into the hospital ASAP to start cervadil that night and begin induction with pitocin in the morning. 

I went downstairs and based on my face J thought I was going to tell him my water had broken, but instead I relayed the doctor's orders and we got to work figuring out what to do and rearranging J's schedule and letting his colleagues know he'd be out for a while. We decided that since O refused to sleep at L's house that we'd bring him to the hospital while I was admitted and then J would go home and sleep with him and bring him over to L's in the morning before things got started. J also called his mom so she could get on a flight first thing in the morning and get O from L's house that afternoon.

J, Owen, and I hung out at the hospital while I was admitted and the cervadil was placed - then it was bedtime. J brought Owen home and I started the night of no sleep that should never precede delivery! Noah and I were on monitors all night with blood pressure checks every half hour. Noah, as he typically did in utero, kept moving like crazy and nurses were in my room every half hour to hour to readjust things because Noah's heart rate wasn't showing up on the monitors and all of this was on top of fairly regular contractions! Err! By 6am, I was glad that it was morning and time to get things started because that meant I was that much closer to getting out of there! (Ha!) 

I was able to get up and remove the cervadil and shower which felt really nice - by the time all the checks and everything were done I was only dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced - which I had been 2cm dilated  and 60% effaced the night before - so it didn't feel too great to hear. They started up the pitocin and upped the dose every hour - and it seemed to me that everything was going horribly slowly - contractions really intensified, so I'm not sure of the timeline from here on out, but I'll record what I do know and remember. After I'd been on the pitocin a while, maybe an hour or so - a nurse came to check my cervix and I was dilated to a 3 or so but shortly after she left I started leaking a little, but I wasn't sure if my water had broken or not. We changed out the bedding and they told me that my water hadn't broken, but I just kept leaking and within about 1/2 an hour it was clear that my water had in fact broken - and my doc came in to check me and break my water just as I was on my way to the bathroom and had a big gush on the floor. Dr. Emily was glad my waters had broken on their own - so we continued on upping pitocin, which was making my contractions really strong, but not very regular - I continued gushing fluid on a regular basis (which I didn't remember happening with Owen) and contractions kept getting stronger and stronger. I bounced on the birthing ball for a while, which helped some, but not significantly.

 I didn't have much range of movement with Noah on the monitors and my blood pressure being taken every 10-30 minutes and the pit and antibiotics (for group B strep) IV - so I couldn't do much else, but after around an hour contractions were getting too intense and I had to lay down again.  My blood pressure also continued to rise and at some point, we started mag - and I was told that I'd have to stay on it for at least 24hrs after his birth. Around this time, I was checked again and I was only dilated between a 5-6 and I was soo discouraged as I was nearing my pain threshold and it seemed I had so far to go and I had planned on doing things as naturally as possible. I denied pain meds, but then after talking with J, we had my Dr. come back and tell me about pain management options - let me tell you, inductions are no joke and are WAY worse than natural labor, at least in my experience. She explained the different IV pain meds and I chose Stadol, because she said that although it took a little longer to work -  it lasted longer. Man oh man, do I wish I hadn't done that! It was horrible! I know everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but I wouldn't recommend that stuff to anyone. It did not lessen my pain AT ALL and it made me feel SO loopy and out of it. For the next hour or so, everything is incredibly blurry and I just remember feeling so much pain and being confused and scared and convinced that I could not do this. Pain kept increasing and I asked for an epidural even though I felt so disappointed in myself and felt like I was failing Noah! The Stadol started wearing off and I felt less loopy, but still in incredible pain and I was starting to feel a lot of pressure to push with my contractions. Dr, Emily agreed that an epidural was a good idea because my blood pressure kept rising and I was in so much pain and putting a lot of stress on both of us - so it was ordered and it seemed like it was taking forever. I kept asking if there would still be time and I was assured that their would be. My doctor was about to go back checking on other patients but the nurses told her I was feeling a little "pushy" so she stuck around and I'm glad she did - because from this point it couldn't have been much more than 10 minutes before Noah was born.

Somewhere in the last hour or so before his birth as all of this was happening, I remember Dr. Emily telling me that Noah's face was turned to the side and she was trying to turn him and I also remember her asking if it was okay if a medical student who was shadowing her watched and I consented (poor girl was probably traumatized - I remember watching her shrink further and further into the corner as everything went down). All of a sudden I felt tremendous pressure and without even trying I was half in the air pushing - I literally couldn't hold him in - everyone rushed into action - my doctor ripping her jacket off and throwing on gloves and nurses holding my legs in the air as the removed the bottom portion of the bed telling me to try not to push - it was a crazy flurry of activity and the memory of it makes me smile and laugh - no one expected things to progress soo quickly at the end - during this whole process the anesthesiologist strolled in amidst all of this activity and me yelling and groaning out during contractions - somewhere in this process I remember being given an oxygen mask and told to breathe deeply - the anesthesia was sent away as he was obviously too late - in a matter of seconds after the first stifled push that brought on the rush to prepare and I was told that I could push if I needed too, and two pushes later - Noah James entered the world - 13:05 - 9lb8oz - 20.25in. Apparently, he turned on his way out and like his brother he had his cord wrapped around his neck. It was funny, how many things were so alike between each birth experience and how many we're different - as I pushed and pushed trying to get Owen out and was yelled at to push harder and Noah - who was much bigger - rocketed his way into the world.

To be continued...

Noah's Arrival - Part 1 - Preface

Monday night, 5/27, J was on call for the Memorial Day holiday (and most everyone else was out of town) and at about 6:30 in the evening I was feeling kinda crummy and weird, so I checked my BP and I didn't write it down, so I've forgotten it now, but it was pretty darn high, so I called up J and he told me I had to call the OB, who told me that I needed to come in to be monitored. I called J back and he started trying to make arrangements to leave the hospital and he told me to  plan on taking Owen over to my friend L's house to spend the night - because most likely they would be inducing that night with the high BP, since I was 37 weeks that day. 

I packed up our things and brought O over to L's house by about 8 and I had a really hard time leaving him, not sure if I would see him again before having Noah or not - and really not ready to say goodbye to being just Owen's mom. But, I pulled myself away and drug myself in to L&D to get checked out. It took another hour for J to get there, and meantime my BP was steadily remaining high, 160s/100s, but Noah looked great on the monitors and I was contracting fairly frequently - J and I were sure that it was only a matter of hours before we would be starting an induction. Yet, after 4 hours in triage, we got word that they were sending me home, that I was only dialated to a 1 even with all the contractions, and I needed to do a 24hr urine catch to be sure that this still wasn't pre-eclampsia. 

We gathered up our things, a little disappointed to once again be leaving the hospital with high/dangerous BPs and no baby. It felt like we constantly "crying wolf" and J kept ditching out of work only to go back and say "still no baby." Although, you really can't ignore blood pressure as high as mine was and there is no way that J wouldn't come if I needed to be in the hospital. So, at midnight I went to pick up O from L's house (where he hadn't slept at all - eek soo sorry L!) and J went to get us some food. We converged at home and got to bed some time after one a little disappointed, but glad that Noah and I were both stable and ready to wait until my induction the next week. 

To be continued...

Birth plans...and when things don't happen according to plan

So, birth plans...ha! I laugh in the face of birth plans - or at least my children laugh in my face for thinking I could plan their births.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the idea of birth that I have in my head and how things are supposed to go and how smooth and gentle and natural. How calm - breathing through contractions - pushing and working hard, of course, but still beautiful - and I'm sure highly "hollywoodized." Except, it isn't just Hollywood promoting this beautiful birth picture in my head, that might actually be easier to press aside, it's my dad telling me all these Christian things about how I don't have to feel any pain and how I'm delivered from that and I need to have faith in God and so on and so forth - on one hand I want to say "dude, you are a dude - you aren't allowed to have an opinion here" and on the other it's really hard not to feel like I'm letting him down, like I'm not strong enough or I don't have enough faith to believe for the healing that he so believes for - and there really are women who say that it was all smooth and easy, etc. Then on top of that, you have the idea and fact that my mom had very healthy pregnancies and had both my brother and sister at home with a midwife - so that was my plan and ideal growing up - I was born in the hospital, but that was "due to the midwife rupturing membranes too soon and my parents not listening to the prompting of the Spirit to wait" - I was good with that idea - I was good with childbirth being hard but natural and beautiful and almost spiritual. This is the same ideal promoted by midwives and the "crunchy" and the naturally minded - "women have been doing this on their own in fields for thousands of years and getting up and getting to work...." And so on and so forth.

Yet, things haven't worked out for me that way in the birthing and pregnancy department - you can read/reread Owen's birth story here - things just don't always look the way you see them in your head - and I'm trying to cope with that and my vastly different reality without embracing/claiming it as MY fault or feeling badly about how I'm not strong enough or healthy enough or how I don't have enough faith. I'm really, really struggling with that and how to think about it and what the right perspective should be (although I do think it is a sign of a healthy grip on postpartum emotions that I am able to articulate this struggle). It's just hard when things don't go the way we hope they will - although I need to say that I know how completely and entirely blessed we are that things worked out as well as they did and that we all came out of the experience healthy and strong with no serious problems or issues! I'm working on writing up Noah's birth story and will post part one tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful of this space for the last month - but I've been focusing on my little family and enjoying J's time off (we saved his vacation so he could have 2 weeks off after Noah arrived and it was amazing having him home and then my parents were here for two weeks after that), but now we are starting to get into more of a routine and get the little issues we've head under control, so I should be back here more regularly from now on! Thanks for your congratulations and support and for sticking around while I disappeared for a while!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 30

Challenge Day 30: React to this term: Letting Go

Each new chapter begins by bringing an end to the one before. Welcoming this new little family of four means saying goodbye to the family of three that we used to be. Tuesday night, when I got the call that they had found protein in my urine I wasn't ready - I wasn't ready to let go and say goodbye to my family of three. I was supposed to have another week - I was supposed to have a plan - and a last date before things changed. I was supposed to have a special weekend with Owen doing all his favorite things and saying goodbye to being just Owen's mom. Then in a moment - that was entirely unexpected - I was packing and making calls and doing all the last minute things to be at the hospital only hours later. I didn't get to have time to say my long, sweet goodbye - my life as I knew it was going to change - and it was going to change fast. And I, I am not good with change. I like plans and order and slow easy transitions that I can prepare for - but thankfully, I am not the one in charge - God is and He knows far better than I do what we need and the right timing for everything. He knew that it was time to let go and it was time to pull the bandaid on our life and what it used to be.

And guys, I'm so glad that He's in charge instead of me, letting go of who we were was the best thing I have ever done - and we have to let go in order to free our hands to embrace all the new, amazing things He has in store for us. I am so in love with being a mom of two, I am so in love with my new little boy, and the big brother that I know Owen will be. This new life that He create for us is so much better than any life I could have created for us - and I'm so glad that I let go of the old to embrace the new.

Quick Update: We are still in the hospital and I am off of the IV meds, but blood pressure is still too high - and went up a little after the IV meds were out of my system, so we are looking to get those under control tonight. Noah is doing fantastic, he's really figuring out nursing (nursed every hour last night - which mommy did not appreciate), and he's looking really good - we've dealt with a few little issues, but strong and healthy and with us - so that's exactly what we were praying for. Owen is loving his time with "Gpa" and doesn't particularly like this new "baby brother thing" we keep showing him and keeps telling us "all done" and "no touch" when we try to show him Noah - he let Noah get a little closer tonight than last night, but we'll get there. Daddy is great, but sleepy - looking forward to all of us spending the next two weeks together building our new little family! Once we're home and settled I'll write up Noah's whole birth story out - I still don't quite believe the way things all played out.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 29

Challenge Day 29:  Was supposed to be.... Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post
but, I've never really been all that into music - sure I like it and all, but it doesn't really speak to me - oh and instead of pushing it to try to stick to this prompt - I HAD A BABY TODAY!


So, I figured no one would mind if I went a little off prompt and shared the new deliciousness!

I went in to start cervadil late last night and pitocin this morning - and Noah arrived at 1:05pm! Birth story will be written up and shared later - but until then - enjoy the cute! And these memories are better than any song!

Last baby bump on the way to hospital, gowns, saline locks, and goodnight cuddles - oh my!

Noah James in all his glory! We are both doing well and I will right everything up just as soon as I can stop snuggling this giant cheeks!

37 weeks

Baby's size: Winter Melon [about 19.1 inches, 6.3 lb.] - not sure why I still include this :) - if we make it that far, I have another growth ultrasound on Friday and we'll see where we are then!

How far along: 37 Weeks

Sleep: Doing a little better at making bedtime a priority - not as well as I'd like, but actually in bed most nights by around 11 and that's an improvement - J has been on call every other day this week, so that makes falling asleep a little harder, but I'm working on it!

Maternity Clothes: we've discussed - clothes no longer fit - even my maternity wardrobe is dwindling dangerously - pretty soon I'll have to switch over to J's clothes! LOL!

Food cravings: nope - although this Whole Foods Chocolate Decadence cake is pretty flipping fantastic, but I'm fairly certain that's true pregnant or not!

Food aversions: nada

Symptoms I HAVE: Lotsa heartburn happening here! Also, my hips feel like they are going to break in half when I get up in the middle of the night - during the day I'm fine, but I get super stiff at night, like a brittle old lady, and I feel like my bones might crumble! More Braxton Hicks all the time - hopefully they're being productive, but I was still only dialated to a 1 on Friday at the OB and still at a 1 on Monday at the hospital! Getting nervous/anxious about Noah's arrival and an impending induction!! I'm still really hoping to go into labor naturally, and trying not to get discouraged that things aren't progressing more quickly!

Doctor’s Appointment: Went to the doc on Friday, BP still moderately high, but stable - so she decided we should schedule my induction for 6/5 (going in the night of 6/4 for cerdavil since cervix isn't favorable yet) - baby boy has 9 days to get himself ready to get here - I'm really worried about starting an induction and ending up with a c-section because my body wasn't ready - but I need to trust the Lord and my doctor and know that everything will come together the way it is supposed to, even if it is different from what I have in my head - what matters is that Noah is healthy and gets here safely! Then, Monday evening I was feeling a little funny and checked my BP - and it was 158/96 - so I called the OB on call and she of course wanted me to go in to be monitored - brought Owen over to my friend, L's, house by 8 and J did what he had to do to get out of the hospital even though he was on call and it was a holiday! Then we spent 4 hours in triage - Noah was great on the monitors (except that he kept moving out of range) - and my BP was pretty scary high for a while, they made me lay on my left side and it improved a lot - I was also having contractions every 4-5 minutes that started to get pretty painful on my side, but they weren't causing any cervical change and BP lowered enough - so they sent us home! J is beginning to feel like the boy who cried wolf leaving work over and over for trips to L&D that don't end with a baby in our arms - but what can you do? A BP like that needs to be monitored! Anyway, Owen didn't sleep at all at L's house (I picked him up just after midnight) - so today I had a migraine from the lack of sleep and stress of last night and O was a cranky mess - but we made it through! Here's to one more week!

Movement: With the way this kid has been moving in utero - I almost expect him to come out rolling over and crawling around! He is always on the go and super strong!

Belly Button: Innie - long 1/2 flat innie - it's looking weird, peeps!

Gender: Still a boy and he makes sure we know it at every weekly ultrasound - Noah is not shy!

Best moment of the week: Finally having an end date in sight, it's been making me so nervous having 3 different possible induction dates - I'm glad we can finally prepare - like I said, I hope he comes on his own before then so we don't have to deal with all the induction junk, but it's good to be able to plan and prepare! And it's good to know that my BP is/was stable enough to wait for 38 weeks and that she didn't feel like we needed to take him early! (Just turned in another 24 hr urine - so hoping that comes back good and nothing changes here!)

What I’m looking forward to: Holding this little guy on the outside - I know I'm going to miss having him on the inside, because I still miss having Owen on the inside sometimes, but it's getting really real that Noah will be here soon and I can't wait to meet him, but I also want him to grow and be totally strong and healthy - so I don't want to rush him either!

What I miss: This week I miss my mom - I'm getting really sad that she isn't going to be here for this delivery - she was in the room when I had Owen - and I am just starting to worry about how all of the logistics of everything are going to work - and while I know that my MIL is coming to help - it's just not the same - I want my momma! Although she will be here for a while after J goes back to work and that's better than just having her here for a few days earlier! Just a little sad and lonely for her this week! Miss my mom!


UPDATE: So much for 1/2 of this post - I just got a call from the hospital and I'm being induced tonight! Ahh!

{I borrowed the format for these entries from Eight Days a Week - who borrowed it from Finding Beauty in the Ordinary}

36 weeks

Baby's size: Honeydew [about 18.5 inches, 5.8 lb.] - 6lb12oz at growth scan 2 weeks ago

How far along: 36 Weeks

Sleep: I mentioned this in my "struggles" post - I just can't seem to get to bed at a decent time! I really, really need to work on this and get it under control! This momma needs more sleep and I somehow doubt that Noah is going to make things any easier in that department!

Maternity Clothes: Barely fit - I'm constantly pulling up on bottoms and down on tops trying to keep this big ol' belly covered!

Food cravings: None to speak of - still loving the ice

Food aversions: No real aversions either - I like what I like and don't like what I don't like :)

Symptoms I HAVE: Still dealing with some heartburn, Braxton Hicks have been increasing, and even on meds I'm still dealing with moderate blood pressure issues

Doctor’s Appointment: It's worked really well the last few weeks having my appointments on Mondays and this post on Tuesdays - it's nice to have to doctor info fresh in my head to post! Anyway, not sure if I posted before about this but I'm GBS+ again - boo! So, have to get antibiotics in labor, but not that big of a deal - other than that the BPP was great and Noah is looking good in there and fluid levels have decreased to the normal range rather than the high normal - yay! - blood pressure was still mildly elevated at my appointment even on the meds, which doc doesn't like. It wasn't nearly as high as it has been, but it wasn't super great either - so, she said if it increases she isn't going to up my med dose - we will just induce sooner rather than later. The current plan is that I will come back this Friday (since Monday is a holiday) for another BPP and appointment and we will see where my blood pressure is and how favorable my cervix is (currently only dialated to a 1). If my BP's not good, then we will plan on an induction on 5/29. If BP seems stable, then I come back again for a BPP, growth scan, and an appointment on the next Friday, 5/31, and we are most likely looking at an induction on 6/5. Smallest possibility would be if BP looks okay/good and cervix isn't looking favorable and Noah doesn't seem to come on his own before then, there could be an induction date of 6/12 (our anniversary). At this point, I'm really not sure what to hope for! I would prefer for him to come on his own, when he is ready, but I also don't think that this blood pressure thing and the meds are really great for either one of us - and let's face it, I'm getting pretty uncomfortable at this point - but I just really don't want to push for something that will put him in distress, or create a need for a c-section, or end with Noah in the NICU because we made him come before he was ready! So, I'm starting the lots of walking and spicy foods and third trimester tea hoping to get that cervix ready and I'm really hoping that whenever she decides to schedule the induction - I go into labor on my own first - I'm not looking forward to pitocin and all that junk, but I'll do whatever I have to do to keep Noah safe! So, we'll see, but it doesn't look like there will be too many more of these updates!

Movement: He seems to be running out of room in there - he's still moving a lot, but not as much as before and not the big sweeping movements that we had before. More kicks and bumps and hiccups and less acrobatics. 

Belly Button: Barely an innie - almost flat

Gender: Still a boy, he was flashing those boy parts all over the place during my BPP Monday!

Best moment of the week: Owen started swim lessons on Monday, and while the last two days he's pretty much just cried in the water and said "all done" the ENTIRE time - it's been so cute seeing him take this big boy step! And today he did a lot more than yesterday, so I can't wait to see how he develops over the summer! Although the commitment (ten minute one-on-one lessons M-F for 6 weeks) is going to be a lot going forward with Noah!

What I’m looking forward to: I'm really looking forward to having a plan for all of this. I just want to know what is going to happen and when - so I can prepare myself, so we can get my MIL down here to watch Owen, and just get everything ready for our new life. I know in general you never really know when baby is coming, but it is just making me really uneasy to have all of these "end dates" in sight that may or may not be looming! Especially since one of them is only 8 days away! If I am having this baby in 8 days or less I'd like to have some idea that it's coming, because otherwise it was supposed to be at least 2-3 more weeks and that's a big difference when you think about all the last minute stuff to do!

What I miss: A full meal! I'm starting to run out of room and I can't seem to eat much at all, so I'm starving every couple of hours! I suppose that most people complain about not being able to eat way earlier in pregnancy than this though, so I'm doing pretty good there!

{I borrowed the format for these entries from Eight Days a Week - who borrowed it from Finding Beauty in the Ordinary}

Blog Every Day in May: Day 16

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

All in all, I know I've been a bit of a complainer in recent weeks, but my "lot in life" is a pretty darn good one! We have everything that we need and more. We are all healthy and able-bodied - I am married to the best man I know, and my kid is fantastic! Sure, J works almost twice as much as the average American and that is hard - but he has worked similar hours since we met, and when he is here - he is all here and makes us a priority - often at his own expense - so I really don't have room to claim J's job something difficult in my "lot" that I need to overcome - even though it does come with it's own unique challenges.

However, there is something that I've been struggling with and trying to overcome - especially this last year. This life married to a surgeon - and life in general - includes a lot of unknowns - his schedule is irregular and there could always be something that comes up keeping him away for a genuinely good reason. This is hard for me - not having everything all lined up and tied with a bow is hard for me. I am a planner....I like to know what is coming so that I can be prepared. I don't like surprises and I don't like change. Yet, life requires flexibility and an ability to embrace the unknown. That is something that I have never been good at. Now, throughout this pregnancy, we have been faced with unknown after unknown and question after question - all of which received vague non-answers. It seems that each time I go to the doctor I face another "if" and receive no sense of security or answers. I'm hoping that starting these meds will lead to a little more certainty and an ability to plan/determine when things are coming - since I've been told several times now that this pregnancy is most likely ending with an induction - but each time we speak it varies as to when - being anywhere from now to 39 weeks - and that is a big difference, especially with a toddler who I have to prepare for a new brother and who needs to be taken care of when I am in the hospital.

This has been the year in which I have had to learn that I don't always know the plan, and I don't always get to have all the answers - but I need to step forward in faith and continue on "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." {Jer. 29:11} He knows what He's doing and His plan is better than mine could ever be - so maybe sometimes a little bit of the unknown is okay and maybe I don't have to have it all figured out - because He does!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 15

Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)

Well, our days these days are anything but typical - as we're spending 70-80% if the day cuddled up on the couch to keep icky blood pressures away, but today we have a lot going on, so here we go - hopefully I don't overdo it and end up getting in trouble at my BP check this afternoon!

Wednesday, May 15

4:13am - Peeing in a bucket and stickin' it in the fridge! What a glamorous way to start the day! Finishing up my 24hr urine collection to check again for protein - gotta make sure these high blood pressures are not turning into pre-eclampsia.
5:09am - Owen is crying, go pick him up and bring him back to our bed to cuddle - both back to sleep!
8:53am - finishing up the 24hr urine collection at 9 - so last pee in the bucket and head back to bed, but I spill my giant water cup all of over the floor and wake Owen up - he has a stuffy nose and doesn't sound great! He pouts for a few minutes, but by 8:58 - he's found Chicken Dance Elmo and is happily bopping along to the music and ready for a diaper change! - Owen is already hiding in the pillows and saying "camra" "pi-chur" "no" - this is going to be a long day!

9:15am - Owen cuddles under the covers and watches a little Jake, while mommy gets ready for the day, then it's time to "bruch" and we have to have our "vi-ma-mins"

9:30am - Downstairs - potty break for the doggies and breakfast time for us - as we were heading out the door Owen coughed up some boogers and we had to whip out the "bot-bot" and Owen was of course as enthralled as ever!

9:45-10:30am - Off the the doctor - drop off urine and have blood drawn - woohoo!

10:40-11:45am - Head off the the park for 20 minutes before Owen has to be trapped again at the Chiropractor! This day has already been crazy and it isn't even lunchtime yet - Owen is not amused!

11:45-2pm - Dairy Queen drive-thru for lunch - followed by naptime, laundry and blood pressure check for mom - it's looking a little high - getting a little worried for my appointment!

 *At this point things got a little crazy so the rest of the day had only a few pics and all gets shoved into one collage*

2:15pm - Snacktime and a little time to play outside before we head back to the OB at 3.
3pm - BP worse than it's been and we get sent to L&D AGAIN (except Daddy is at work this time! oh no!) Owee was great and hung out eating gummies - we had to stay in L&D with blood pressure checks and fetal monitoring, while they waited for the results of my 24hr urine and blood tests from this morning (which hadn't been ordered STAT). Daddy rushed over from work.
4:45pm -  My results were back - urine negative for protein, so still no pre-eclampsia for this momma - and I was released with a prescription for blood pressure medicine!  This was followed by a trip to the pharmacy - a ladybug friend hitching a ride on my toe and car naps for Owen!
6pm - Mom's night out! I thought I'd be missing out on my mom's night out dinner tonight with my fellow pregnant momma's in the area, but I was released just in time to make it! J took Owen home and I was able to enjoy some mama time and some super yummy BBQ!
9:30pm - Back home, Owen is asleep and I get to work editing photos and getting this blog post together!

11pm - Finally finished and ready for bed!


How was your day? Was it as eventful as mine?? I'm ready for a nice calm day tomorrow and hoping these blood pressure meds do their job so this baby can hang out for a while longer! I don't know about you, but I'd really rather go into labor naturally than induce - and if things don't get under control I know that's coming (as it was actually a possibility today!)

35 weeks

Baby's size: Coconut [about 18.2 in., 5.25 lb.] - 6lb12oz last week during the growth ultrasound - so I'm guessing at least 7 now!

How far along: 35 Weeks

Sleep: meh

Maternity Clothes: finally warm enough for skirts a few days this week - shirts are barely covering my belly anymore!

Food cravings: none

Food aversions: none

Symptoms I HAVE: heartburn, millions of potty breaks, high blood pressure

Doctor’s Appointment: well, this will be a long one - after my appointment last Monday I did a 24hr urine collection to check for protein and blood tests - they all looked good, but I was supposed to have a BP check Wednesday (but my doc was in surgery - so it was pushed to Thursday with another doc). On Thursday, my BP was even higher than on Monday and doc #2 decided I needed to be sent over to L&D for monitoring - BP stayed pretty high and doc #3 decided to keep me overnight for observation - in the morning after all the labs and monitoring - my doc determined that based on my labs all being good that I only have gestational hypertension and we need to watch it carefully, but essentially not do much as of right now - although we probably will end up inducing (not sure when yet). So, until then weekly appointments and BPPs (bio-physical profile - special ultrasound) - today was the first, BPP was great but my blood pressure was even higher than it's been - so doing another 24hr urine collection and another blood pressure check scheduled for Wednesday. Oh, and on top if everything else, I tripped and fell at the park and hit my stomach on a piece of playground equipment on Saturday so I got to spend another  4hrs in the hospital on monitors getting Noah checked out - which he was completely fine and I just felt stupid and embarrassed for falling and wasting our Saturday after already messing up the week with my prior hospital visit - and don't even get me started on what I'm sure are the impending bills from all of this! That's enough to get anyone's blood pressure on the rise!

Movement: This kiddo isn't stopping for anyone! When I was in the hospital, he moved so much while we were on the monitors that they had to come in every ten minutes or so to reposition things to keep him on the monitor! Silly boy!

Belly Button: Innie

Gender: Baby Boy

Best moment of the week: when the nurse removed my IV - I HATE IVs!

What I’m looking forward to: holding this kiddo in my arms and not having everyone constantly worried about me anymore!

What I miss: the freedom of being healthy - this whole blood pressure thing is really bumming me out!

{I borrowed the format for these entries from Eight Days a Week - who borrowed it from Finding Beauty in the Ordinary}

Blog Every Day in May: Day 13

Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.

I want to apologize to my boys - I want to tell you both that I'm sorry that I failed you as a mommy before you were ever even born - I'm sorry that my body betrayed you, Owen, with gestational diabetes and now you, Noah, with gestational hypertension. I'm sorry that I put you both in danger when it is my job to provide you with a safe home to grow and develop. Mommy is so sorry she couldn't provide a better first home for you!

Owen, I'm sorry that I have been and am going to have to continue to be such a crummy mom! I'm sorry that we sit on couch watching TV and cartoons most of the day - when we should be running and playing and learning! I should be taking you to the zoo and parks and soaking up these last weeks with just the two of us and mommy just can't because it seems like everything we try to do is making my blood pressure worse and that's not okay either. I was so looking forward to all the things that you and I could do as the weather warmed and we waited for your brother and I'm so sorry that instead you have a mommy who can't chase or carry you and who sits around so much! Thank you my sweet boy for being so loving and understanding as we've had to deal with hospital visits, so many doctor's appointments, and far too much couch time! I love you so much, buddy, and I'll make it up to you when Noah is here and we will all have so much fun together! I know we have a lot of changes in store, but I know we can get through this together and everything will be okay in the end!

Blog Every Day in May - Day 12

Challenge Day 12: What do you miss

I could go deep with this one and talk about how much I miss my Grandma Joan - who is my only family member who has died - and I am still surprised years later by the waves of sadness and how much I can miss her on certain occasions - especially when I think of how she wasn't there to see me get married or to meet my babies. Or I could talk about how much I miss all of my living family back in the desert - because that is a more regular ache - but instead we are going to stick a little closer to home. 

Right now, what I absolutely miss the most is the ability to keep up with Owen. The OB didn't give me any restrictions when I left the hospital, but I'm still trying to take it easy to help control my blood pressure and even beyond that, I am just wearing out so easily at this point in my pregnancy! Plus, even when I have some get-up-and-go - it is amazing the effort it takes at this point to actually get up and go! Just the act of getting up from the couch/chair/bed or trying to get myself situated or doing pretty much anything - is exhausting and hard. Let alone, trying to chase the kid around the park!
I'm really wondering how I'm going to pull this off for another 2-4 weeks! 

I miss being able to control my body and move with ease! I "got" to spend 4 hours in the hospital again yesterday being monitored (that's twice in the hospital in 3 days!) after I tripped and landed right on my belly on a piece of playground equipment! Err! I hit 35 weeks tomorrow and as much as I know that Noah needs to keep cooking - and I remember how much I physically missed Owen after he was born and how far away he felt even in my arms - I really miss my body being my body (which it sorta still isn't while nursing - but still more my own than it is now!) How about you? Anyone else out there feeling the same way in those last weeks of pregnancy?

Blog Every Day in May: Day 9

Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)

A moment I was hoping to avoid - spending my evening in L&D getting serial blood pressure checks and NST - since my BP was high at my appointment this afternoon! Boo! Trying to stay positive - but this is a less than fun family evening!


Update 5/10 - I was admitted to watch my blood pressure overnight - it continued to go down, but not fantastically. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension as I have no signs of pre-eclampsia other than the high BP. I was released at about 10am today and the plan is to watch me closely and keep this baby cooking for a while longer! So, thankful that it turned out this way, as blood pressure can be really scary!