Five Minute Friday: exhale

Exhale, inhale - breathe in, breathe out - just make it through...

through this run, through this day, this hour, this month....

The last several months that's what life had been like around here - I need conscious reminders to take the time to breathe, between cross-country moves, and a month without dad, and a new job that will be taking his time from us yet again. 

Breathe, Jessica, breathe - exhale the old heavy breath and breathe in the fresh, sweet air that surrounds - breathe in the beauty of your growing children - breathe in the comfort of your husband's presence - breathe in the fun. 

Exhale the stress and the worry and the need to do it all and be it all for all of them. Exhale and release those heavy burdens - exhale with a sigh of sweet release that this time of testing has come to an end and revel in the joy of new beginnings. 

There will always be more to do and more stress and worry, but have faith that the Lord will equip you for the work to be done - all you need to do is breathe in - breathe out - and know that He who is bigger than you - bigger than I - cares for us.

 

It's hard...

It's hard when the baby nurses all night long and the toddler refrain of "dow sares" (down stairs) begins far earlier than your tired, aching body can bare. It's hard when sick child leads to sick baby leads to sick momma and the daddy has to work overnight anyway. 

It's hard when who you used to be doesn't seems to fit and your new skin feels a little too tight and itches in it's newness. It's hard when the people you always thought would be there drift away with the winds of change. 

It's hard when you hear beauty in the voice of another, but you can't find the strength in your own. It's hard when someone else's "failure" looks an awful lot like your "unattainable" goal. It's hard when you measure yourself with the yardstick of another's success.

Life is hard, and it shows no signs of letting up, but God never wanted you to be her or us to be them. He only wants us to let Him in - to let go of our need for control and to allow Him to guide our steps. To let him set our goals and use his standards to measure our success. 

To put it in the words of another more eloquent than myself -

Jehovah Jireh, 

My provider, 

His grace is sufficient for me. 

My God will provide all my needs,

According to his riches and glory, 

He will give his angels charge over me

Jehovah Jireh cares for me... (this video is dated, but just made me soo happy!)

 

If the God of the universe cares for me - if He will provide for me needs, and He offers me his grace - who I am to worry when life gets hard. Who am I to question His strength and His ability to provide in all circumstances? When life gets hard, where will you turn, in whom will you rest, whose strength will you rely on? 

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I'm glad that I don't have to have it all together when things get hard, I'm glad that I don't have to have all the answers - that I don't have to be responsible for it all - I'm glad that my God is my provider and that my Heavenly Father is always here to help me when life gets hard.

Reflect: five minute Friday

 His blue eyes sparkle back at me, a glint of rebellion, a shimmer of excitement, a challenge - his love is infectious, this boy of mine, but his will is a challenge all it's own.

In him, God shows me reflections of myself - reflections of who I have been and who I still sometimes am - even now I often stand before a loving Father - just like a petulant toddler, insistent that I know better than He, that my way is surely the best way! And He gently leads me to follow His will rather than mine. Through His love and His grace He guides and He softens this stubborn will of mine. 

May my parenting of him be a reflection of the way He has guided and taught me! May he see a reflection of God through me just as I see a reflection of myself through him! May I continue to learn through these parallels of parent to child and my Heavenly Father to me - and always strive to parent more like Him! May we both not only survive this time of toddler tantrums and tears, but come out on the other side both a better reflection of our Creator - after all, we were made in His image and what better image could we reflect unto the world!

 

Noah's Arrival - Part 2 - Induction & Delivery

Warning: this is a birth story and does get a little graphic - if that creeps you out - just skip this one - although it does end with this guy! :)

We got a little sleep Monday night and questioned whether this was the beginning stages of labor and whether or not J should go into work Tuesday, but we decided if it was he could always come back home so J went to work and Owen and I had a pretty typical day - although we were fairly housebound other than swim lessons - since I had to, you know, pee in a bucket and store it in the fridge!

J got home fairly early and we had some dinner and family time before we went over to the hospital to drop off my "specimen" at the outpatient lab. Then it was back home, bedtime for Owen, shower for me, and dishes for J. We had only been home for about an hour and a half when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize on the caller id. 

I hopped out of the shower and answered the call that changed everything. It was the doctor on call from my OB practice and she explained to me that what was supposed to happen this evening was that I should have dropped off my urine and waited at the hospital for the results so they could decide whether or not to admit me to induce - only they had forgotten to tell me that part! Turns out the cutoff for protein in your urine to be diagnosed with pre-eclampsia is 300 somethings/something (technical I know) - and my labs came back at 306! So, they were officially diagnosing me with pre-e and I was supposed to get my things together, figure out what to do with Owen, and get into the hospital ASAP to start cervadil that night and begin induction with pitocin in the morning. 

I went downstairs and based on my face J thought I was going to tell him my water had broken, but instead I relayed the doctor's orders and we got to work figuring out what to do and rearranging J's schedule and letting his colleagues know he'd be out for a while. We decided that since O refused to sleep at L's house that we'd bring him to the hospital while I was admitted and then J would go home and sleep with him and bring him over to L's in the morning before things got started. J also called his mom so she could get on a flight first thing in the morning and get O from L's house that afternoon.

J, Owen, and I hung out at the hospital while I was admitted and the cervadil was placed - then it was bedtime. J brought Owen home and I started the night of no sleep that should never precede delivery! Noah and I were on monitors all night with blood pressure checks every half hour. Noah, as he typically did in utero, kept moving like crazy and nurses were in my room every half hour to hour to readjust things because Noah's heart rate wasn't showing up on the monitors and all of this was on top of fairly regular contractions! Err! By 6am, I was glad that it was morning and time to get things started because that meant I was that much closer to getting out of there! (Ha!) 

I was able to get up and remove the cervadil and shower which felt really nice - by the time all the checks and everything were done I was only dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced - which I had been 2cm dilated  and 60% effaced the night before - so it didn't feel too great to hear. They started up the pitocin and upped the dose every hour - and it seemed to me that everything was going horribly slowly - contractions really intensified, so I'm not sure of the timeline from here on out, but I'll record what I do know and remember. After I'd been on the pitocin a while, maybe an hour or so - a nurse came to check my cervix and I was dilated to a 3 or so but shortly after she left I started leaking a little, but I wasn't sure if my water had broken or not. We changed out the bedding and they told me that my water hadn't broken, but I just kept leaking and within about 1/2 an hour it was clear that my water had in fact broken - and my doc came in to check me and break my water just as I was on my way to the bathroom and had a big gush on the floor. Dr. Emily was glad my waters had broken on their own - so we continued on upping pitocin, which was making my contractions really strong, but not very regular - I continued gushing fluid on a regular basis (which I didn't remember happening with Owen) and contractions kept getting stronger and stronger. I bounced on the birthing ball for a while, which helped some, but not significantly.

 I didn't have much range of movement with Noah on the monitors and my blood pressure being taken every 10-30 minutes and the pit and antibiotics (for group B strep) IV - so I couldn't do much else, but after around an hour contractions were getting too intense and I had to lay down again.  My blood pressure also continued to rise and at some point, we started mag - and I was told that I'd have to stay on it for at least 24hrs after his birth. Around this time, I was checked again and I was only dilated between a 5-6 and I was soo discouraged as I was nearing my pain threshold and it seemed I had so far to go and I had planned on doing things as naturally as possible. I denied pain meds, but then after talking with J, we had my Dr. come back and tell me about pain management options - let me tell you, inductions are no joke and are WAY worse than natural labor, at least in my experience. She explained the different IV pain meds and I chose Stadol, because she said that although it took a little longer to work -  it lasted longer. Man oh man, do I wish I hadn't done that! It was horrible! I know everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but I wouldn't recommend that stuff to anyone. It did not lessen my pain AT ALL and it made me feel SO loopy and out of it. For the next hour or so, everything is incredibly blurry and I just remember feeling so much pain and being confused and scared and convinced that I could not do this. Pain kept increasing and I asked for an epidural even though I felt so disappointed in myself and felt like I was failing Noah! The Stadol started wearing off and I felt less loopy, but still in incredible pain and I was starting to feel a lot of pressure to push with my contractions. Dr, Emily agreed that an epidural was a good idea because my blood pressure kept rising and I was in so much pain and putting a lot of stress on both of us - so it was ordered and it seemed like it was taking forever. I kept asking if there would still be time and I was assured that their would be. My doctor was about to go back checking on other patients but the nurses told her I was feeling a little "pushy" so she stuck around and I'm glad she did - because from this point it couldn't have been much more than 10 minutes before Noah was born.

Somewhere in the last hour or so before his birth as all of this was happening, I remember Dr. Emily telling me that Noah's face was turned to the side and she was trying to turn him and I also remember her asking if it was okay if a medical student who was shadowing her watched and I consented (poor girl was probably traumatized - I remember watching her shrink further and further into the corner as everything went down). All of a sudden I felt tremendous pressure and without even trying I was half in the air pushing - I literally couldn't hold him in - everyone rushed into action - my doctor ripping her jacket off and throwing on gloves and nurses holding my legs in the air as the removed the bottom portion of the bed telling me to try not to push - it was a crazy flurry of activity and the memory of it makes me smile and laugh - no one expected things to progress soo quickly at the end - during this whole process the anesthesiologist strolled in amidst all of this activity and me yelling and groaning out during contractions - somewhere in this process I remember being given an oxygen mask and told to breathe deeply - the anesthesia was sent away as he was obviously too late - in a matter of seconds after the first stifled push that brought on the rush to prepare and I was told that I could push if I needed too, and two pushes later - Noah James entered the world - 13:05 - 9lb8oz - 20.25in. Apparently, he turned on his way out and like his brother he had his cord wrapped around his neck. It was funny, how many things were so alike between each birth experience and how many we're different - as I pushed and pushed trying to get Owen out and was yelled at to push harder and Noah - who was much bigger - rocketed his way into the world.

To be continued...

Noah's Arrival - Part 1 - Preface

Monday night, 5/27, J was on call for the Memorial Day holiday (and most everyone else was out of town) and at about 6:30 in the evening I was feeling kinda crummy and weird, so I checked my BP and I didn't write it down, so I've forgotten it now, but it was pretty darn high, so I called up J and he told me I had to call the OB, who told me that I needed to come in to be monitored. I called J back and he started trying to make arrangements to leave the hospital and he told me to  plan on taking Owen over to my friend L's house to spend the night - because most likely they would be inducing that night with the high BP, since I was 37 weeks that day. 

I packed up our things and brought O over to L's house by about 8 and I had a really hard time leaving him, not sure if I would see him again before having Noah or not - and really not ready to say goodbye to being just Owen's mom. But, I pulled myself away and drug myself in to L&D to get checked out. It took another hour for J to get there, and meantime my BP was steadily remaining high, 160s/100s, but Noah looked great on the monitors and I was contracting fairly frequently - J and I were sure that it was only a matter of hours before we would be starting an induction. Yet, after 4 hours in triage, we got word that they were sending me home, that I was only dialated to a 1 even with all the contractions, and I needed to do a 24hr urine catch to be sure that this still wasn't pre-eclampsia. 

We gathered up our things, a little disappointed to once again be leaving the hospital with high/dangerous BPs and no baby. It felt like we constantly "crying wolf" and J kept ditching out of work only to go back and say "still no baby." Although, you really can't ignore blood pressure as high as mine was and there is no way that J wouldn't come if I needed to be in the hospital. So, at midnight I went to pick up O from L's house (where he hadn't slept at all - eek soo sorry L!) and J went to get us some food. We converged at home and got to bed some time after one a little disappointed, but glad that Noah and I were both stable and ready to wait until my induction the next week. 

To be continued...

Birth plans...and when things don't happen according to plan

So, birth plans...ha! I laugh in the face of birth plans - or at least my children laugh in my face for thinking I could plan their births.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the idea of birth that I have in my head and how things are supposed to go and how smooth and gentle and natural. How calm - breathing through contractions - pushing and working hard, of course, but still beautiful - and I'm sure highly "hollywoodized." Except, it isn't just Hollywood promoting this beautiful birth picture in my head, that might actually be easier to press aside, it's my dad telling me all these Christian things about how I don't have to feel any pain and how I'm delivered from that and I need to have faith in God and so on and so forth - on one hand I want to say "dude, you are a dude - you aren't allowed to have an opinion here" and on the other it's really hard not to feel like I'm letting him down, like I'm not strong enough or I don't have enough faith to believe for the healing that he so believes for - and there really are women who say that it was all smooth and easy, etc. Then on top of that, you have the idea and fact that my mom had very healthy pregnancies and had both my brother and sister at home with a midwife - so that was my plan and ideal growing up - I was born in the hospital, but that was "due to the midwife rupturing membranes too soon and my parents not listening to the prompting of the Spirit to wait" - I was good with that idea - I was good with childbirth being hard but natural and beautiful and almost spiritual. This is the same ideal promoted by midwives and the "crunchy" and the naturally minded - "women have been doing this on their own in fields for thousands of years and getting up and getting to work...." And so on and so forth.

Yet, things haven't worked out for me that way in the birthing and pregnancy department - you can read/reread Owen's birth story here - things just don't always look the way you see them in your head - and I'm trying to cope with that and my vastly different reality without embracing/claiming it as MY fault or feeling badly about how I'm not strong enough or healthy enough or how I don't have enough faith. I'm really, really struggling with that and how to think about it and what the right perspective should be (although I do think it is a sign of a healthy grip on postpartum emotions that I am able to articulate this struggle). It's just hard when things don't go the way we hope they will - although I need to say that I know how completely and entirely blessed we are that things worked out as well as they did and that we all came out of the experience healthy and strong with no serious problems or issues! I'm working on writing up Noah's birth story and will post part one tomorrow. Sorry I've been so neglectful of this space for the last month - but I've been focusing on my little family and enjoying J's time off (we saved his vacation so he could have 2 weeks off after Noah arrived and it was amazing having him home and then my parents were here for two weeks after that), but now we are starting to get into more of a routine and get the little issues we've head under control, so I should be back here more regularly from now on! Thanks for your congratulations and support and for sticking around while I disappeared for a while!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 16

Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it

All in all, I know I've been a bit of a complainer in recent weeks, but my "lot in life" is a pretty darn good one! We have everything that we need and more. We are all healthy and able-bodied - I am married to the best man I know, and my kid is fantastic! Sure, J works almost twice as much as the average American and that is hard - but he has worked similar hours since we met, and when he is here - he is all here and makes us a priority - often at his own expense - so I really don't have room to claim J's job something difficult in my "lot" that I need to overcome - even though it does come with it's own unique challenges.

However, there is something that I've been struggling with and trying to overcome - especially this last year. This life married to a surgeon - and life in general - includes a lot of unknowns - his schedule is irregular and there could always be something that comes up keeping him away for a genuinely good reason. This is hard for me - not having everything all lined up and tied with a bow is hard for me. I am a planner....I like to know what is coming so that I can be prepared. I don't like surprises and I don't like change. Yet, life requires flexibility and an ability to embrace the unknown. That is something that I have never been good at. Now, throughout this pregnancy, we have been faced with unknown after unknown and question after question - all of which received vague non-answers. It seems that each time I go to the doctor I face another "if" and receive no sense of security or answers. I'm hoping that starting these meds will lead to a little more certainty and an ability to plan/determine when things are coming - since I've been told several times now that this pregnancy is most likely ending with an induction - but each time we speak it varies as to when - being anywhere from now to 39 weeks - and that is a big difference, especially with a toddler who I have to prepare for a new brother and who needs to be taken care of when I am in the hospital.

This has been the year in which I have had to learn that I don't always know the plan, and I don't always get to have all the answers - but I need to step forward in faith and continue on "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." {Jer. 29:11} He knows what He's doing and His plan is better than mine could ever be - so maybe sometimes a little bit of the unknown is okay and maybe I don't have to have it all figured out - because He does!

Blog Every Day in May - Day 14

Challenge Day 14: Ten things that make you really happy

I'm not going to take up a spot on my list for it, but I am crazy proud that I have kept this up so far! 14 days in and I've blogged and posted every day - with the right prompt on the right day and everything! I can't even believe I've gotten this far with everything else going on! Go Me!

1. My faith - my faith gives my joy in all circumstances - I may not be happy in every moment, but I can always have joy in my spirit!
2. My family - immediate and extended - just look at these guys! How could these faces not make your heart smile! 
3. My friends - near and far/old and new - I'm really seeing the blessing of friendship in my life this year and it makes me happy to cultivate these relationships (although I could be doing more to foster these relationships and I need to make them more of a priority going forward!)
4. My health (and my families) - sure - I'm dealing with blood pressure issues and it's annoying and inconvenient, but Noah is doing great and overall my family and I are so blessed and amazingly healthy! Praise the Lord! 
5. Lemonade Dreamsicles - there is a local ice cream shop that makes these delicious milkshakes with lemonade sherbet and vanilla ice cream and I'm not sure what else, but they ae fantastic and always make me grin!
6. Chocolate - no explanation needed!
7. Bubble baths with books/blogs to read - again, no explanation needed!
8. Sunshine - this desert girl was going crazy this winter, back home you can be outside most of the year  and I missed that desperately during this never-ending winter!
9. Dr. Pepper 10 - J recommended it and I was like eww Diet Dr. Pepper is gross, but this stuff is pretty darn yummy and feels likes treat without actually being that bad!
10. Project Life and blogging - I haven't gotten that far with either one, but I love that I now have two systems to document our lives and preserve our memories! Between hormones and lack of sleep and all of that, my memory is seriously lacking these days and it will be so great to be able to look back in multiple places and see what we were going and how it felt, etc! And that makes me super happy!

Oh, and how cute is this?!

Blog Every Day in May - Day 11

Prompt - sell yourself in 10 words or less.

I am a child of God - saved by grace alone!

It is amazing knowing that those 10 words are all I need to be! 

Blog Every Day in May: Day 7

Day 7 Challenge: The thing(s) you're most afraid of

 I've never been big on being afraid - really of anything - other than emotional stuff like rejection, etc. and I will NOT watch any movie about demons/ghosts/exorcisms or anything like that - I believe in a very real spiritual realm and I just won't open doors to any of that - heck no, techno! Even with my limited experience with fear, I wouldn't say I was ever the reckless stupid type, I've always been more of the cautious goody-goody type and that prevents a lot of reckless/stupid - not all, but a lot. Anyway, I was the baby playing with spiders and lizards in the backyard - always the Daddy's girl - and I know my mom and even my brother called me to catch many a bug growing up. I'm not afraid of snakes or really of heights or anything like that, but since becoming a mom - the thing I am most afraid of...like so afraid of I can barely type it "out loud"....is dying - especially dying young. 

I know that this is a common fear, but it's one that has been entirely new to me. I grew up knowing that being "absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord" - so I was never scared of dying - sure I was scared that however I died might hurt, but the death part, not so much. Heaven sounded pretty cool and I always felt like when it was my time it would just be my time and so be it. 

Yet, now, things are different. I'm still not scared of dying for myself - I know I'll be "all good" up there - but I'm scared for what it would mean for J and for my kids. Sure, I'm afraid of how we would make it without J, but it scares me more to think how they would suffer without me. Kids without a mom, how J's career would suffer, and how different all of their lives would be. Not to say I'm just soo super awesome and I could never be replaced, but I'm their MOM and you really can't replace that. I have never heard a single person of any age, who had lost their mom, who was not still struggling with it years later - we need our mommas, whether we are 2 or 5 or 22 or 55 - moms are really, really important - and I want to do everything I can to be here for these boogers and their daddy for a good, long time! I know that I am not in control and that God is, and that there is nothing I can do to change whatever there is to come - but there really is nothing that scares me more than leaving my family behind and the aftermath of that pain. I have faith that if anything were to ever happen to me that God would give my boys/men the strength to carry on and He would protect them and give them the love and support they needed from a plethora of sources - I just don't want them to ever have to know that reality. 

Wow, that was kinda a yucky, deep, bummer of a post --- scroll on down and enjoy some ultrasound cuteness to lighten the mood! 

I love you boys (and J) and I thank and praise the Lord for each and every day of my life with you!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 6

Day 6 of the Challenge: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

What do I do? All of last summer I struggled with this exact question - now that I wasn't a teacher anymore and I was just a stay-at-home mom - what do I say when people ask what I do?? I was worried that people would think less of me now that I was no longer teaching, especially since I was leaving a job in an urban (read 'high-poverty') school so I could now just be a lazy middle class mom. Although, I knew then and I know now that I am not a "lazy middle-class mom" and I know that the "lazy" stay-at-home mom is a myth (or if she exists I haven't found her - because I'd like to know the secret! *wink, wink*) - but it was still a fear of mine that people would think that - just like I worry about how I'll be judged as a "blogger" - not that I think I qualify as one yet.

I do the things we all do - I cook, I clean, I wrangle a two silly dogs and a crazy toddler - all while growing a giant baby in my belleh. But those aren't the things that define me - although they do use a significant portion of my time. 

I love, I cuddle, I teach - in a more profound way than I ever did as a teacher, and I learn more from my kid than I would have ever thought possible. I am learning about love and life and patience. I am learning about God and parenting and teaching others. I am even learning about myself - I am also putting myself out there in new and different ways that I never did before. I am becoming more myself and more of who I want to be and that excites me - I want my babies to see their mom as fearless and brave - I want them to know that if they want to try something then that is exactly what they should do - TRY. 

So, what do I do? I try - I try to do it, I try to do more, I try to do less, but I always keep trying and for now - I'm good with that!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 5

Lovin' on a blogger friend for the challenge today -

Well, this one is a little hard for me, because while there are lots of blogs and bloggers I love - most/all of them have no clue who I am - because I'm a lurker - I don't mean to be, but I just can't seem to keep up with all of the various pieces of social media - I'm starting to try to make connections and leave comments and all of that, but it's hard to get into the habit, and it's scary too, because what if these bloggers I like don't like me back and they decide they are way too cool to want to connect with me and then I'm the hanger-on and that's worse than the lurker! If I'm just in the corner peeking in, you can't reject me - I promise I'm not scary and creepy - I'm just scared that you won't let me in the group! (Yea. I'm totally 12 and pathetic, even online)

Anyway, I can't and won't write some big loving ode to anyone, because I don't know anyone well enough, nor do I feel like anyone knows me back (and I really feel like both of those are required to call someone a friend). But, I will share a few of the blogs that I love to read and always jump to first in my BlogLovin' feed -

1. Kayse - Kayse is the one blogger who I actually have somewhat connected with, as we have done about 3 online Bible studies together - although neither one of us has done very well keeping up with this last one - but we are both preggers and I'm going to give us a pass on that one - both the first trimester (her) and the third (me) are pretty rough and some things just slip right off the agenda for things like food and sleep and overall feeling crummy! I love how sweet and encouraging that Kayse always is and I can really relate to her in so many ways - faith, former teachers, somewhat hopeless homemakers, and trying really hard to always better ourselves for our families and God's glory! I love how real and honest she is with that struggle!
2. Mandy - is a super cute boy mom to two little guys and she is always so sweet - I love watching her boys and looking forward to what mine will be like soon! It seems like she was just pregnant, so I know soon enough I'll be watching my little guy chasing his big brother around and thinking back to this time being pregnant wondering how it could have passed so quickly! 
3. Erin - another boy mom and I love that she shares so much of her faith - and again I love watching the brothers grow and develop together - and I'm picking up all the tips I can before my life with two crazy boys (well, three if you count their dad, which I probably should!) starts!
4. There are tons of other blogs that I read and enjoy, but these three mamas and their kiddos always make my heart smile - even if they don't know it - I'm also starting to connect with lots of great people connected to the medical world through Your Doctor's Wife's Medical Monday linkup and when I actually get around to it Lisa Jo's 5 Minute Fridays. I love that both of these places allow me to find others in similar positions and make connections - I need to work harder at building those connections and following up, but I'm just getting started and it's hard stepping out of those lurker shadows - but I'm doing it and I really hope that by pushing myself this way, I can make some real connections - so that next time, I can shout from the rooftops about my amazing blogger friend - instead of quietly whispering about being a fan of these ladies!

Blog Every Day In May: Day 1

I found this Blog Every Day In May Challenge through Karly - and I thought it would be fun to try it out - I don't know if I can pull it off, since I'm currently barely keeping up with once a week, but that's what a challenge in all about!

So, without further ado - Day 1: My life story in 250 words or less...

I was born on October 25, 1986 and became a big sister in '88 to a crazy brother and in '91 to a silly sister and I loved being mini-mommy to them both. I was raised in a very Christian home and accepted the Lord as my Savior early on. I started kindergarten at age four and became a lover of school and learning - graduated high school at 17 as salutatorian of my class after 13 years of Christian schooling. I went to college in state on a scholarship and rebelled just a little - making some choices that led to unnecessary pain, but I never left my faith behind. While I was in school, I worked doing habilitation with kiddos with autism and met/made my best friend (who happened to own the company) when I started to nanny her adopted daughter! I finished college early (just after my 21st birthday) and was eager to finally be a teacher! I taught kindergarten for five years - during which, I got my masters, met and married (between PGY 4/5) the resident J - who is now the fellow J - and became a momma to Owen. Then, Owen and I followed J to the Midwest for his fellowship (I had never lived anywhere other than my home state before) where I now stay-at-home taking care of all my boys - which will include one more (baby Noah) in 4-7 weeks!

Since Saturday...

 otherwise known as the scariest day of this momma's life thus far.

After spending the second half of last week getting back into our routines with J back at work, I was happily preparing posts updating on our vacation and Easter celebrations and planning to plunk down Saturday evening to get a bunch of writing and photo editing done, but Saturday had a little different plan in store for our evening.

Saturday morning started off great, a friend of mine, who is newly pregnant, and I went to a local baby expo and got to spend the morning garnering lots of fun swag, checking out great baby vendors, and hearing some local doctors, midwives, and encouraging speakers - along with yummy snacks - and giveaways (I won a $100 gift certificate to a local medspa - not sure what I'll use it for, but still cool!). Then I came home and we decided that since it was such a gorgeous day we would walk to the Walmart (a little over 1/2 mile away) to pick up a few things and have dinner at one of the restaurants in the surrounding area - great plan right? We thought so, get some exercise, enjoy the beautiful spring weather, complete our errands, and have a family date all in one....

Well, we got to Walmart and there was an old military helicopter in the parking lot that we glanced at on the way in and pointed out to Owen. Then, as we are shopping, O continued to chant "copter, copter, copter" all through the store. So, on our way out we stopped to check it out a little more thoroughly and take some photos. Owen loved it - right up his transportation obsessed alley!

Then, Owen and momma posed on the stepladder while daddy took a few pictures, and the unthinkable happened. I was holding Owen's hands and he decided to climb onto the next step, so far, so good, then he was holding on and just as I opened my mouth to tell J to grab him because I couldn't reach him on that step and the steps were too tall for O to do on his own - Owen stepped right off the step and his foot didn't even come close to reaching the next step - J in mid-"snap" caught a picture of the asphalt as he tried, unsuccessfully to catch our son and I stood over him completely helpless to do anything but watch him fall or throw my body on top of his falling body.

It was quite literally the longest seconds of my life - everything was in slow motion as I watched his body tilt perfectly forward off of the step and fall headfirst to the asphalt almost three feet below him - straight onto his forehead - I watched him hit the ground and scrambled down the stairs as J raced towards us both of us reaching him together attempting to scoop the screaming toddler from the ground. I knew enough to know that the fact that he was instantly screaming was a very, very good sign (our God is a good good God!) - but I was still completely undone. I held my screaming, bleeding boy and was in panic mode - knowing that there was nothing I could do to undo this hurt - nothing that could change the situation that we were in and trapped in the moment that I started to tell J to grab him - that was just a little too late. I was less that present in the moment and less than nice to J, but I was at least smart enough to pray almost immediately - my arms wrapped around my sweet boy, my hand on his head, both of us bawling I cried out to God in tongues to please heal my baby boy and prevent any sort of more permanent damage.

We assessed his injuries as well as we could in the Walmart parking lot as he screamed and arched away from any contact with his injuries and we knew he needed to go the ER and get more thoroughly checked - but the panic was renewed as we remembered that we did not in fact have a car with us - and were facing a 20min+ walk home with a very pregnant me, a toddler who was not about to allow anything to be done with him but being held tight against my body, and injuries that we knew were at least somewhat serious. J kept talking to me and it was as if I could only partially hear him as I just kept telling Owen over and over how sorry I was that I let him get hurt and how much mommy wanted him to feel better and how much I loved him and all the other things that I just couldn't turn off on repeat to my poor boy - who I had failed as a mother in the biggest way I ever had in his life. It's my job to protect him, and this kid knows it, he looks to me and has no fear - he trusts me explicitly to always protect him from hurt and this was his first big hurt that I couldn't stop from happening.

I tried telling J to ask someone to drive him home, but he insisted that he would run and I would try to call my friend (who I'd been out with that morning and who lives nearby) to see if they could get J somewhere between Walmart and home to get the car quicker - we were both just so panicked in this moment and trying to determine any way to get the car and get O to the hospital as quickly as possible - so off J went and I dialed the phone walking down the street holding a screaming O on my chest above my 30 week belly in the ERGO, pushing the stroller - watching my husband running away down the street - and of course, my friend, L, couldn't understand a word I was saying into the phone in my barely outside of tears voice with O screaming over and over inches from the phone - I had to repeat myself over and over trying to explain what was going on and what we needed - finally L put her husband, C, on the phone and I was able to calm Owen enough to get the message across and C was on his way to pick us up and bring us to the ER where J could meet us (which probably made a little more sense than my plan) - we stoppped at a Dairy Queen a few blocks from Walmart to wait and I stood in the parking lot and called my mom to ask her to pray as patrons of the restaurant stared at the flustered pregnant lady and the screaming bloody toddler - no one sure what to do. I hurried off the phone with my mom as J called. He told me that a family that had seen us righ    after Owen fell in the Walmart parking lot and had thought we were rushing off to our car, but saw him running down the street and realized what was going on - so they stopped to pick him up and were driving him the rest of the way home (PRAISE THE LORD - and thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you kind strangers were that stopped to help us!). C arrived at DQ and we were starting to fold up the stroller and get Owen into one of his kids carseats when J arrived and we transferred into our own car. I felt super guilty for involving L and C, disturbing their family time, and worrying them for essentially nothing as C got there and was with me for approximately 2 minutes before J arrived - I don't ask for help well or often - and then when I do, and I turn out to not absolutely need it, I feel awful - although I am BEYOND grateful that the Lord has provided us with friends that I can call in a panic and they'll come and so thankful to L and C for putting aside their evening to help us.

We determined that since he had calmed down a little and hadn't lost consciousness that we could make the 25 minute drive to the children's hospital where J works downtown rather than the adult hospital near our house. J made some calls so they would be expecting us when we got there and off we went. It was during this drive that my heart rate was finally able to slow a little and I began to breathe a little more like a human being, but then I got another scare. While I was glad that Owen had finally stopped screaming, during the drive he started to get really drowsy, which was difficult to know if this was because it was almost 7:30 and he'd never had a late afternoon nap, or due to his head injury - so a scared mommy did everything she could to keep him awake and responsive for the rest of the drive (that I'm sure daddy was probably driving quite a bit faster than he should have).

Watching the train at the hospital right after we were discharged

We arrived at Children's and parked in employee parking - looping through the entire hospital to ER check-in, where they were expecting us with a room ready - it was so reassuring to know that these people knew J and cared about us personally - and to be able to avoid all the stress and fear that normally goes along with an ER visit as you wait what seems to be endless amounts of time for help. Every nurse knew Owen by name and knew my name and were genuinely concerned about both Owen and I (when I went to the bathroom I could see my face was bright red from the stress and the exertion of carrying around a 29lb kid for far longer than 30 week pregnant mom probably should (he was not about to let daddy hold him though). They checked him out, and as J told me on the way to the hospital it is actually his job to assess head injuries and determine what treatment and tests they need (but momma still wanted a second opinion as it is super super hard to be objective about your own kid). We were pretty worried when we were on our way, but as we arrived in the ER, O seriously perked up and started pointing out and naming things in the waiting room as we checked in - he smiled and pointed to show me a "graff" - giraffe - and "baball" - basketball - on TV then over the next 10-20 minutes he continued to show signs of perking up and being himself - so daddy and surgical fellow on call that night both agreed that he didn't need a CT scan and decided we should give him some juice and wait to make sure he kept it down and didn't show any other concerning symptoms. Nurses delivered his juice, along with a box of toy cars and a super-cool ramp, to the room and we camped out for a while to make sure he continued to improve. O happily played and ate up all the attention from the nurses until we determined he was well enough to go home under daddy's watchful eye (O didn't want to leave his toy cars, but was finally persuaded when promised the dinner we should have had hours ago and a chance to play with his doggy, Wy-Wy (Wyatt)).

Sunday morning cuddles before church

We kept O in our bed Saturday night to keep an eye on him (J woke up every 2 hours to check his breathing, etc), and I laid awake staring at him for hours - all the fear and adrenaline of the day still pouring through me - and each time I closed my eyes I would see his fall over and over again, each time unable to do anything to change it. I prayed for peace and thanked the Lord that O was okay and praised Him endlessly for the blessings and protection in our life, because I know how bad that this situation could have turned out. How wrong everything could have gone, and how each step of the way the Lord was with us, guiding and protecting us, leading us. Showing us his grace and mercy in our fear. Yesterday and today, O has continued to improve and while he has been extra cuddly, a little afraid of stairs, and more easily frustrated than normal - he is doing soo well and I so very much appreciate all the prayers of our friends, family, and my Bible study group as we were going through this scary, scary evening/weekend. I'm just amazed over and over at how blessed we are and I am so grateful for all the love and support through the whole thing and how grateful I am that scary was all it was, when it could have been so much worse. God is good all the time!

Sunday at church, still a little sad and pouty

Dinner today, mostly back to normal

Kihs...sih?

A few weeks ago at bedtime, J called to say goodnight and of course O got all excited thinking daddy was coming, but after a little reminder that daddy had to work and sleep at the hospital today Owen responded "kihs" (kids) and I said “yea daddy has to help the kids” and he said "sih" because we generally tell him that daddy has to help the sick kids I agreed that yes daddy has to help the sick kids and he immediately calmed down said hi and bye kissed the phone and was ready to go to sleep - and it broke my heart, just a little bit.

"Night-night, daddy" - waving at the phone

Here's the thing, and I acknowledge that what I'm about to admit makes me officially the WORST human being alive, but sometimes I find it hard to be quite as understanding and compassionate as my son- sometimes I resent J's job and the time it takes from our family and then - then I remember that essentially I'm resenting kids for being sick enough to need surgery - and bam, there I am "worst person in the world" territory. Yet, even though I know in my head how vital it is that J is available for his patients, my selfishness and jealousy still seem to rear their ugly heads – especially when I'm tired and cranky or sick or it's just too many days in a row of practically every other day call - or when J goes in anyway even though he is off because there is a complicated case that one of the research fellows can't do. Then, I find myself frustrated and angry that it's always all about work (J does care about his patients, but I know he loves us and doesn't have things out of balance) It’s just hard. The thing is – in his job – his time, his knowledge, his ability, his presence – it can be the difference between life and death, and how do you compete with that.

My cranky, lazy pregnant butt that doesn’t want to get up and cook dinner or that wants a break from chasing the toddler around – that doesn’t beat out the panicked parent waiting to hear how their preemie is doing on ECMO or how their 6 year old did in surgery, etc. J spends all day every day in the world of most parent’s worst nightmares – and he is one of the people working to make it a little less of a nightmare – and that is amazing…and it takes a tremendous amount of strength that I know that I don’t have. Yet, my selfish heart struggles with daddy not being home for dinner, or feeling lonely. I know that the way I feel is a natural human response. I married a man that I wanted to spend my life with -- and a lot of that life is spent without him. It just looks exceedingly more selfish when what is taking him away is soo selfLESS. I mean, if he was off being a lawyer for some sleazy client and worked these hours, no one would question my struggle with being sweet and understanding about it – but that’s not who or where we are.

God is guiding me, teaching me, leading me. He is letting me know that HE is always here and I can always rely on Him. Because let’s be honest, there are kids and families out there that just plain NEED J more than we do and that will always be the case. Their needs have to come before my wants. I’m not saying this to be a martyr or complain – it just is, and I’m trying to grow through it and remind myself that while it is hard – it is his ministry to serve these families in need and it is my ministry to support him in that and to raise these boys of ours to know what an amazing man their father is – to teach them to look up to him and aspire to be like him – and I can’t do that if I’m pouting and complaining that other wives get to spend more time with their hubbies. I can’t do that if I’m mad at him for going back in to help someone who needs it. I, just plain, can’t do that without God, because without God, it is natural and easy to grumble and complain and believe that everyone else has it better, but to be honest – we have it pretty gosh darn amazing right here! We are beyond phenomenally blessed – with health and love and safety and pretty much everything that we could want and definitely everything that we need.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the eyes of a child (my child) that caring for others it what it’s all about – that loving J means supporting him fully without complaint – that You have called us to such a time as this and that I need to rise to the occasion rather than allow the devil to bind me with his lies that I “deserve” more or different. Because the wages of sin are death – so that is what my sinful, selfish heart deserves – but instead I’m blessed with an amazing husband who would do anything for me, an equally awesome son who amazes me each and every day, another on the way who is sure to rock my socks off too, and more blessings than I can count. Thank you, Lord! 

Baby Bean

Hey baby,

You scared your momma - and your daddy too, but we'll let him tell you about that his own way. Just after our trip to your Aunt G and Uncle J's wedding we had our anatomy scan and we walked into the room to talk with Dr. H not suspecting a thing - which is pretty big since daddy was staring holes into the screen during the scan. Dr. H told us that they had seen a bilateral choroid plexus cyst - basically a cyst in the middle part of your brain - and that this could be one of two things. It could just be an isolated cyst that would go away and mean nothing at all or it could be a sign if trisomy 18 - a big, bad scary chromosome disorder that would mean lots of things would be wrong with you and that you probably wouldn't live very long if you lived long enough to be born at all. Now, they didn't see any other signs of that big, bad disorder, but it was still a little whisper of the devil in mommy's ear that something could really be wrong with you and just about 2 months ago one of mommy's friends had a miscarriage and those two things worked together to get mommy really scared. I wish I could tell you that mommy was strong and brave and that she never worried for a second - but she wasn't - she cried and worried and didn't sleep very much. We didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl and we hadn't met you yet, but mommy already loved (and loves) you soo much and I was really scared that I might lose you and really scared that you might be hurt and that you might not get to have the amazing life I was already planning for you in my head.

The doctor told us that since we hadn't done any genetic tests earlier on that we could have a level 2 ultrasound to get a better look at you and that we could decide after that if we wanted to do some more tests to check you out. We decided to get a better look and 9 long days later - mommy and daddy went to see a special doctor and look at you some more. This was a much better day and the doctor told us that she didn't see the cysts anymore (we knew they would be gone, but that wouldn't change the worries about you) and that she didn't see anything else wrong with you that would make her think that you had trisomy 18 - but mommy and daddy forgot to tell her that we wanted it to be a surprise if you were a boy or a girl and that doctor wasn't very careful and mommy got a big peek at your little boy parts - I was a little disappointed that the surprise was spoiled, but I'm so excited to have another boy and for Owen to have a little brother - but whether you were a boy or a girl, mommy didn't care one bit - she was just soo happy to hear that you were okay and healthy and growing (she said at 23 weeks you were 1 pound and 5 ounces!).

Like I said, little boy, you are greatly loved and I'm sure in your lifetime you will figure out at least a few more ways to scare your mommy (I know your brother seems to find a way at least once a week) - but no matter what, mommy loves you and I'll always be here to take care of you. Together with our family and God - we can get through whatever scary times come our way and God will always protect us and help us to get through those times. We had already thought of what your name would probably be if you were a boy or if you were a girl, but after all of this, your name seemed even more perfect for you. You, my dear sweet boy, will be named Noah James. Noah means rest or comfort, which is exactly what we needed and thank God for every day - just like you (exactly what we needed and thank God for every day), and James is for your grandpa (daddy's dad). Owen's name was to honor my family and we wanted honor daddy's family with your name too. James means supplanter and we didn't really like the idea of naming you something that sounded kind of negative, but the more we thought of it - being our second child - you will be taking the place of another in some ways, you will be taking the place of baby and giving your brother the new role of big kid - it might be hard for both of you to get used to this, but I know that Owen will love you so much (he already gives you kisses in my belly) even if it is hard for him to see you taking the attention sometimes. So, little one, I'm telling you know and I'll tell you again - it's not okay to push your way in and take things that belong to others - you honor your grandpa with your middle name, but you need to embrace your first name and make that who you are - you are the one who provides rest and comfort. :)

Love you, Noah, to the moon and back!

Love,
Mommy