the season of goodbyes

I was the person who never knew loss or death or any real tragedy. Into my adulthood, my family remained complete - with rare injuries and sickness - and no needs for any goodbyes.

Then it was my grandma, my dad's mom - who we never expected to say goodbye to. A bladder surgery, followed by complications, followed by what we all thought was Alzheimer's - but now I really think was toxicity from a serious uti/kidney infection - and then she was sick and then she was gone. For the last year or so it was hard. She wasn't the same and would ask questions that showed her mind was years in the past - she knew me but she thought I was in high school rather than college and with the loss of bladder control - the smell of their home was difficult at best. So, we didn't visit as often that year and we said goodbye to the grandma we had known before she was really gone - but then when she went, the pain she felt, the struggle - it was hard - and the unsaid truths lingered - it was hard feeling like we should have done more to get her healthy, but no one had known she was sick. We always said that in the end it would be that way - she was such a servant and the consummate hostess a proverbs 31 example to us all, and a product of the 50s housewife generation - she would never admit that she was hurting or didn't have everything under control - it just wasn't done. In the end, she was surrounded by almost all of her family, praying, laughing, loving, living. This was my first taste of death - my first goodbye - lessened by knowing that she was now in heaven and felt no more pain - but life changing all the same. She was and is missed.

My grandpa - he was never really the same after she left him - and I'm not quite sure he ever really got over it - after all he was always the sick one with open heart surgeries and the rest - he was always supposed to go first - but instead he outlived her by years - his love, his life. He lived with my parents and then on his own, and eventually was sick enough to need to be in a medically supported nursing home. In and out of the hospitals, time and again, the claimed he wouldn't make it time and again - and to be honest we were never quite sure if he wanted to come back to us. My papa - he loved me - he wasn't expressive, he didn't share or talk about life or emotions - but his love for me was palpable. He was proud of me and loved my boys and was in awe of them and their beauty. After Owen was born he told me how proud he was to have a great grandson and Noah just added to his joy. 

In November, my little family ventured to the desert to make some decisions on our house and celebrate thanksgiving with my family. While we were there, we made the trek with my whole family to visit Papa in his "home" (which he called a prison and hated) about 2 hours from where my parents live in the town where my uncle and his family live. Papa was able to meet Noah for the first time and we were able to capture a few beautiful pictures and sort of say our goodbyes - as we didn't imagine that we would all be together again before he passed as we were not expecting to be in the desert again until we move back in July. 

Sure enough, on Christmas Eve as we headed up north to visit J's family, we got a call that my Papa who had been in the hospital with mrsa and pneumonia was being moved to hospice. To say that this put a damper on Christmas would be a bit of an understatement! I spent the next several days "celebrating" with a heavy heart - and by the 26th my MIL had offered to fly the boys and myself back home to say goodbye. I arrived in the desert on the evening of the 27th and my mom and I drove down to the VA the next morning. The nurses said that the babies shouldn't come in, so my parents stayed outside with the boys who were unhappy to see me leave after so much upheaval and constant travel - but eventually calmed with their grandparents. The family had all assembled - uncles and aunts and cousins - all holding vigil each day and night ensuring that he was never alone. They left to give me a moment alone with him - to say my own goodbyes - and everyone went outside to see the boys. I told him I loved him and that I knew it hurt and that it would be okay to let go and say goodbye - that grandma and Jesus were waiting for him - and I thanked him - I thanked him for loving me, for being the man he was, for everything he had done for us all. And within minutes - his breathing calmed and slowed and he was gone - all the while holding my hand. My papa and grandma were both gone - I held his hand for a while longer - having called my dad and telling him I thought it was close - although he didn't seem to believe me. He called back after I tried calling him a few more times, unsure of whether or not he was really gone, I never let go of his hand - not wanting to abandon him in his last moments if he wasn't quite gone - I told my dad that I thought he was gone and in moments the boys (my dad and uncles) had rushed the room - my aunts and cousins with tears in their eyes - and me not quite sure how to feel - and I'm still not - over a month later and I'm still not quite sure. My chest feels tight and swells when I think of it, but I can't really cry - I know his quality of life was less than I'd want for him and I know he's in heaven - what more could I want. Yet still there is an ache - not the ache of the unsaid as I had with my grandma - as I told him all of those things in our last moments alone - the ache is for the man I didn't get to know as fully as I'd like, the stories he'll never tell, for my father - the orphan, for my boys who won't remember their great-grandfather. I miss him - I want him back, but I don't want him to hurt - so I know that goodbye was best. And best that these goodbyes happen while the boys are too young to remember the pain. Yet, I'm struggling - I'm not bouncing back like I feel I should - I'm not sure if it's struggling to deal with the experience of being alone with him when he passed - but I don't think that's it - I think that was okay and I was glad to be that safe place for him to let go. I just...I just hurt - I'm withdrawn after nearly a month away from this place that we currently call home - from the end of October through the beginning of January - the boys and I were away from home for over 5 weeks - followed by our car being rear ended and then colds and terrible weather - we haven't seen our friends in months - we haven't been to playdates or had a routine - and now, the clock is ticking for the next big change and move - and the effort to reconnect only to face more goodbyes in only four months overwhelms me. And now, today we here that J's grandmother was placed on hospice and we must travel again to say our goodbyes and support my MIL as she loses her mother. 

It seems to be the season of goodbyes - and it is not a season I relish. I'm struggling with the change and the finality and the loss. I'm struggling to determine what I should hold onto and what I need to let go. This move back home, one I so looked forward to when we arrived, has now become a source of pain. I have friends and a life here - that I will miss - I don't like goodbyes - I don't like losing - I guess no one does - my heart is heavy for these losses, natural and necessary though as they may be. Pray for us - as we travel again - as we say goodbye again - as we find our way back to normal only to prepare for more changes. Such is life, and I, for one, am grateful to be alive.  

Blog Every Day in May: Day 27

Challenge Day 27: A letter to your readers -- wow, 27 days! Almost done with #blogeverydayinMay

Our attempt at a family portrait on Easter - believe me, this was the best shot! :)

Hello friends,

Is it okay if I call you that? I'm never really sure about that word, but that's what I'd like us to be, so we'll go with it. 

Welcome, I'm so glad you are here, whether you follow along, stop by occasionally, or are just popping in for the first time today - I'm honored and thrilled that you took the time to take a little peek into our world - hopefully something you find here will inspire or encourage you or just give you someone/something to relate to and let you know that you are not in this life alone. I'd love for you to reach out and say hello whether by comments or email - I'd love to get to know you and your story and come to know how we can do this thing called life together - helping each other along the way! I'm not perfect - neither is my little family - and I don't expect you to be either - let's all just take life as it comes and always be striving to learn and grow together!

I've never been the friend who was very good at keeping in touch, or calling, or making plans to meet up - but I am the friend who will always and forever be there if you need me, no matter what. I am the friend who is always ready to pick  up where we left off the last time this crazy life got in the way - because that's the reality of life, especially life with littles, it quickly consumes us and whatever is not requiring our direct attention often falls to the wayside - so, I'm sorry friends if I take too long to respond or if I comment less than I should or if sometimes it feels like I just don't care - because that is just not true - I love each and every one of you and I'm here for you if/when you need me, whether we have known each other for years or have just met. You are important to me, each and every one of you - and I'm sorry that I let busy get in the way of showing that!

Can't wait to get to know you better!

Jess

Blog Every Day in May: Day 25

Challenge Day 25: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)

Unrelated photo - but the only HS pics I have easy access to are from Prom, so here you are!

When you go to a high school with less than 100 people in your graduating class and then you factor in social status levels and interests and all of that - the dating pool isn't really all that large - even if you expand to the grade above or below there still aren't that many options - so for this reason - my group of friends and several other groups of friends in my school were fairly "incestuous" - meaning there was no "girl code" or "guy code" dictating that you don't date a friends ex - if someone hasn't dated one of your friends it was a rare occurrence - and we would all often find ourselves interested in the same boys. 

Anyway, there was a certain group of boys that was at the same social level as my group of friends and therefore our groups would tend to associate and inter-date. I can't remember exactly how it came about but there was one boy in the group who never seemed to like me - not that everyone should like me, but he seemed to dislike me specifically, rather than just not like me - as he liked my friends. So, somehow it came about that he did in fact dislike me and I wasn't just crazy - and I asked him why he didn't like me (this is never a good idea and I'm really unsure why I thought it was at the time) anyway - he uttered the words aloud that he never liked me because he believed that I was "deficient in morals." I do not remember anything else that was said in that conversation, nor do I really remember much else about that boy or any interactions that I had had with him - but those words cut me deeply and they are words that I will never forget.

I still can't quite believe that a high school boy would phrase things that way, and at the point that he said that I was still very much a goody-goody - although I was a teenager and I am human, so I did things wrong - but I don't really know what about my 16 year old self would have made him think that about me. I don't maybe I was "deficient in morals" and maybe I completely misunderstand this whole Christianity thing and I still am, but even if it is completely and utterly true - ouch, not the thing you expect to hear by the lockers between classes!

This boy, who is now a man, probably has no recollection of ever saying these words to me or any idea that they cut me so deeply, but as a people pleaser and "goody-goody" Christian girl - I was devastated to know that something about me projected to others that I was immoral and that I didn't have morals.

I know now, that my morals are my own, and that the one one I need to please with them is God - it's up to Him to judge me and not others - but so often as Christians we feel as though we can judge others and who they are and what their relationship with God must be like based on what they look like or how they speak or dress or even how they make us feel (whether or not that has anything to do with them at all)! I want my boys to know that it is never okay to judge others and that we are never capable if knowing what is going on inside of a person between him/her and God - and that really it is none of our business! It is up to us to let our "lights shine" and be an example of God's love to the world - they will have plenty of other opportunities to face judgement and condemnation from all around. 


The thing is we never know which words we speak will stick to a person - which words will define a little piece of them from now on and will always be there in the back of his/her head. It is so easy to pick on others or to be careless or judgmental - never considering a long term impact of our words. Words are powerful and we need to always be aware of that. I'm not rubber, you're not glue, sticks and stones will break our bones, but words - they can really hurt you.

Blog Every Day in May: Day 19

Day 19, Sunday: Five of your favorite blogs and what you love about them

Well, I sorta did this on day 5 with the love on a blogger you are friends with prompt as I didn't really feel close enough to any blogger to fully embrace the spirit of that prompt - so you can look back to that post to read a little more about 3 bloggers I adore!

A few more favorites:

1. Growing up Geeky - I love how Melissa embraces the geeky and keeps it real.  She was recently struggling with postpartum anxiety and it has been great seeing her turn the corner and become more of herself again - I really appreciate how she shared that struggle! And now she is navigating a return to work and the difficulties of being away from her girls.
2. I Love You More than Carrots - AP is another boy mom and I love watching her cutie-tootie boys grow! AP is super funny and she always makes me laugh, especially with her hashtags on instagram! This year her goal is "college hot and no babies" - at least until her birthday - and she is so cute! I love her style and the way she dresses her boys! They all always look super nice!
3. My Little Mustache - Jess is just super, super sweet and she is a great encourager. She is always looking for new ways to "encourage it forward." She really is an inspiration as she always has a heart for others - plus her son, Judah, is super cute - and she is an awesome "crocheter" 
4. Grace for Moms - This blog has many different contributors and offers lots of different posts for moms - always encouraging with a great Christian perspective.
5. Oh Dear Drea  - Drea and I have almost nothing in common, but her photos are gorgeous and she makes vegan food look super yummy - I need to gather up some courage and try one of her recipes - it would probably benefit us to eat a little more like her!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 18

Challenge Day 18: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.

I should have seen it coming - I should have known that I didn't quite fit into the world they were entering - but I didn't see it. I didn't have a clue and I was completely and utterly blindsided. My best friend Jessica sat me down and handed me a note - a "Dear John" letter of sorts - informing me that we had grown apart and this was the "hardest letter she'd ever had to write" that I was so important to her and that we would always be friends, but that we just weren't best friends anymore.

This happened some time in the spring of my seventh grade year - my friends were beginning to experiment with boys and cigarettes and dieting that may have bordered on eating disorders - and I was still just a goody-goody little Christian girl - petrified of doing anything "wrong" and getting into "trouble." I was completely and utterly devasted - I wasn't heading in the direction that they were - I wasn't "cool" enough to be a part of the group anymore and I didn't know how to do anything about it. I was DUMPED and it wasn't by a boy - it was by all my friends in the world. I went to this junior high for these friends - I followed them there even though my parents had another school in mind.

I continued to sit with the group at lunch over the next few days, because I knew no one else and they had said that we were all still friends - I just lost my "best friend" status - yet after only 2-3 days - I was sat down again and told that maybe it was time that I should look for some new friends and somewhere else to sit at lunch. Now, my junior high was not a mega school - it was a small, private Christian school with about 60-100 people per grade level. I'm not sure how many kids were in our class that year, but we graduated with about 80 - and these 8 girls included the 6 that I had spent 2nd through 6th grade with and of the rest of our class there were a few other groups of girls that were all established and had been bonding for the last 6-8 months of the school year. Additionally, the girls that I had previously been friends with were the "cool" girls - otherwise known as the "mean girls"
 - that was another reason I had been "kicked out" because I wasn't really capable of participating in the mean, but I still was linked to them in everyone's minds - even if I wasn't directly mean to them - I was a "mean girl" by association.

So, instead of being welcomed into a new group - I was a social leper - with the other girls not sure what to make of me. I sat alone in the quad and ate my lunch trying not to cry for weeks. A few times I sat with various groups of girls, but I was never really welcomed in, so I read books, and I ate, and I sat alone - for most of the rest of the year. I was so ashamed and felt as though I didn't deserve friends and that no one would like me anyway. The people who knew me for years and years didn't want anything to do with me, so why would anyone new. I didn't tell my mom for a while, but she figured it out.

I look back, and think about the things that they were doing and it makes sense that they didn't want to be friends with me, and it makes sense that I didn't fit in the group any more - but it didn't change the feelings of abandonment and rejection. It doesn't change the fact that I still struggle to be genuine and let people get to know me on a close intimate level. It doesn't change the years that I spent doing and being who and what anyone and everyone wanted me to do and be - just so that they would like me. I made friends with a group of much nicer girls the next year - who I continued to be friends with through high school - but who I seldom speak to now. I went on to spend a lot of time and energy "making relationships work" - I dated people who I should never have dated, because they liked me and I liked being liked. I needed to be cared about and wanted - and I compromised a lot of who I was for that.

Thankfully, the Lord pulled me out of the cycle and provided me with the most amazing man to marry - who loves me fully and completely - even the ugly and the hurt. The Lord gave me a family who whether we agree or disagree or fight or whatever else - we love each other fiercely
 and will always protect and support one another. And now in this new town - where I had no family and I had a husband who fully loved and supported me and had helped me gain a significant amount of strength and confidence in myself, but who had to work A LOT - in this new town, the Lord is teaching me about trusting other women. He is teaching me about having friends - it is still a struggle, and there is still a piece of that twelve year old girl inside of me wondering why she did wrong and why no one likes her. But, that voice telling me that no one likes me and no one ever will is getting quieter - and God's voice is getting louder - the voice that tells me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made and that I am exactly who He created me to be. I can't make everyone like me - I can't make everyone want to be my friend - but I can be the me that God wants me to be - I can be fully and completely myself - no apologies - and I can trust that the Lord will provide me with the right friends, rather than just any friends. I can trust that He will provide me with friends who will love and support me and who will like me just as I am, while inspiring me to grow. And those friends - are way better than the friends who you have to constantly work to impress and who you have to constantly question and assess and keep trying to change who you are to keep around.

Blog Every Day in May - Day 14

Challenge Day 14: Ten things that make you really happy

I'm not going to take up a spot on my list for it, but I am crazy proud that I have kept this up so far! 14 days in and I've blogged and posted every day - with the right prompt on the right day and everything! I can't even believe I've gotten this far with everything else going on! Go Me!

1. My faith - my faith gives my joy in all circumstances - I may not be happy in every moment, but I can always have joy in my spirit!
2. My family - immediate and extended - just look at these guys! How could these faces not make your heart smile! 
3. My friends - near and far/old and new - I'm really seeing the blessing of friendship in my life this year and it makes me happy to cultivate these relationships (although I could be doing more to foster these relationships and I need to make them more of a priority going forward!)
4. My health (and my families) - sure - I'm dealing with blood pressure issues and it's annoying and inconvenient, but Noah is doing great and overall my family and I are so blessed and amazingly healthy! Praise the Lord! 
5. Lemonade Dreamsicles - there is a local ice cream shop that makes these delicious milkshakes with lemonade sherbet and vanilla ice cream and I'm not sure what else, but they ae fantastic and always make me grin!
6. Chocolate - no explanation needed!
7. Bubble baths with books/blogs to read - again, no explanation needed!
8. Sunshine - this desert girl was going crazy this winter, back home you can be outside most of the year  and I missed that desperately during this never-ending winter!
9. Dr. Pepper 10 - J recommended it and I was like eww Diet Dr. Pepper is gross, but this stuff is pretty darn yummy and feels likes treat without actually being that bad!
10. Project Life and blogging - I haven't gotten that far with either one, but I love that I now have two systems to document our lives and preserve our memories! Between hormones and lack of sleep and all of that, my memory is seriously lacking these days and it will be so great to be able to look back in multiple places and see what we were going and how it felt, etc! And that makes me super happy!

Oh, and how cute is this?!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 5

Lovin' on a blogger friend for the challenge today -

Well, this one is a little hard for me, because while there are lots of blogs and bloggers I love - most/all of them have no clue who I am - because I'm a lurker - I don't mean to be, but I just can't seem to keep up with all of the various pieces of social media - I'm starting to try to make connections and leave comments and all of that, but it's hard to get into the habit, and it's scary too, because what if these bloggers I like don't like me back and they decide they are way too cool to want to connect with me and then I'm the hanger-on and that's worse than the lurker! If I'm just in the corner peeking in, you can't reject me - I promise I'm not scary and creepy - I'm just scared that you won't let me in the group! (Yea. I'm totally 12 and pathetic, even online)

Anyway, I can't and won't write some big loving ode to anyone, because I don't know anyone well enough, nor do I feel like anyone knows me back (and I really feel like both of those are required to call someone a friend). But, I will share a few of the blogs that I love to read and always jump to first in my BlogLovin' feed -

1. Kayse - Kayse is the one blogger who I actually have somewhat connected with, as we have done about 3 online Bible studies together - although neither one of us has done very well keeping up with this last one - but we are both preggers and I'm going to give us a pass on that one - both the first trimester (her) and the third (me) are pretty rough and some things just slip right off the agenda for things like food and sleep and overall feeling crummy! I love how sweet and encouraging that Kayse always is and I can really relate to her in so many ways - faith, former teachers, somewhat hopeless homemakers, and trying really hard to always better ourselves for our families and God's glory! I love how real and honest she is with that struggle!
2. Mandy - is a super cute boy mom to two little guys and she is always so sweet - I love watching her boys and looking forward to what mine will be like soon! It seems like she was just pregnant, so I know soon enough I'll be watching my little guy chasing his big brother around and thinking back to this time being pregnant wondering how it could have passed so quickly! 
3. Erin - another boy mom and I love that she shares so much of her faith - and again I love watching the brothers grow and develop together - and I'm picking up all the tips I can before my life with two crazy boys (well, three if you count their dad, which I probably should!) starts!
4. There are tons of other blogs that I read and enjoy, but these three mamas and their kiddos always make my heart smile - even if they don't know it - I'm also starting to connect with lots of great people connected to the medical world through Your Doctor's Wife's Medical Monday linkup and when I actually get around to it Lisa Jo's 5 Minute Fridays. I love that both of these places allow me to find others in similar positions and make connections - I need to work harder at building those connections and following up, but I'm just getting started and it's hard stepping out of those lurker shadows - but I'm doing it and I really hope that by pushing myself this way, I can make some real connections - so that next time, I can shout from the rooftops about my amazing blogger friend - instead of quietly whispering about being a fan of these ladies!

Blog Every Day in May: Day 3

My assignment today is to tell you about something that makes me uncomfortable - and it took me a while to decide what to share because it was much easier to come up with the laundry list of things that make me uncomfortable than it was to come up with one thing that I felt qualified to educate others on - but isn't that how it always goes - our minds are so quick with the negative!

Anyway, the first thing making me uncomfortable is this kid in my belly! J/k (but not really) - he is significantly hampering my physical comfort, but for the sake of this post, I'm going a different direction.

The thing that makes me most uncomfortable in life is putting myself out there when I'm not exactly sure of other's expectations of me. As a perfectionist and a people pleaser, it is really hard for me to not know exactly what is expected of me. I like clearly defined roles that I can fill and that I can succeed in. There are no assigned roles in friendships or in blogging - there isn't a parent or teacher or pastor or husband or child to tell me who I am supposed to be or how to act or what is "expected" of me - the freedom is intimidating (this is a big part of why I decided to start blogging - to push myself out of that comfort zone). This year I have really been trying to be okay with being uncomfortable and being myself in all situations, whether or not, who I am is who people want me to be. That may mean that I lose a few friends, but hopefully it will mean that the relationships that do develop and grow will be much better than the ones I had before - since they will be more sincere! Sadly, this fear of being uncomfortable and not pleasing others often makes it really hard to make new friends and I know that it takes a long time for this introvert to come out of her shell - so that others can really get to know me. Once I know you, I'm pretty open and I'm honest to a fault - but until you know me well, you really don't know me at all - and that's a hard spot to be in as a new friend. I often find that people judge me or think that I'm mean or don't want to get to know them or that I think I am better than other people - none of which are true. I'm really just petrified of rejection - and that means that I shut down.

I'm even that way with my own family - none of them know about this blog - none of my friends know about it - and I'm actually really scared of any of them finding out about it and judging me! I know that I want to put myself out there - I know I want to work to develop my voice and share my story - but I also know that it and I are not perfect - that I don't and won't always express myself just how I'd like - that feeling of discomfort - it means I'm growing and growing pains are always worth it in the end!

Since Saturday...

 otherwise known as the scariest day of this momma's life thus far.

After spending the second half of last week getting back into our routines with J back at work, I was happily preparing posts updating on our vacation and Easter celebrations and planning to plunk down Saturday evening to get a bunch of writing and photo editing done, but Saturday had a little different plan in store for our evening.

Saturday morning started off great, a friend of mine, who is newly pregnant, and I went to a local baby expo and got to spend the morning garnering lots of fun swag, checking out great baby vendors, and hearing some local doctors, midwives, and encouraging speakers - along with yummy snacks - and giveaways (I won a $100 gift certificate to a local medspa - not sure what I'll use it for, but still cool!). Then I came home and we decided that since it was such a gorgeous day we would walk to the Walmart (a little over 1/2 mile away) to pick up a few things and have dinner at one of the restaurants in the surrounding area - great plan right? We thought so, get some exercise, enjoy the beautiful spring weather, complete our errands, and have a family date all in one....

Well, we got to Walmart and there was an old military helicopter in the parking lot that we glanced at on the way in and pointed out to Owen. Then, as we are shopping, O continued to chant "copter, copter, copter" all through the store. So, on our way out we stopped to check it out a little more thoroughly and take some photos. Owen loved it - right up his transportation obsessed alley!

Then, Owen and momma posed on the stepladder while daddy took a few pictures, and the unthinkable happened. I was holding Owen's hands and he decided to climb onto the next step, so far, so good, then he was holding on and just as I opened my mouth to tell J to grab him because I couldn't reach him on that step and the steps were too tall for O to do on his own - Owen stepped right off the step and his foot didn't even come close to reaching the next step - J in mid-"snap" caught a picture of the asphalt as he tried, unsuccessfully to catch our son and I stood over him completely helpless to do anything but watch him fall or throw my body on top of his falling body.

It was quite literally the longest seconds of my life - everything was in slow motion as I watched his body tilt perfectly forward off of the step and fall headfirst to the asphalt almost three feet below him - straight onto his forehead - I watched him hit the ground and scrambled down the stairs as J raced towards us both of us reaching him together attempting to scoop the screaming toddler from the ground. I knew enough to know that the fact that he was instantly screaming was a very, very good sign (our God is a good good God!) - but I was still completely undone. I held my screaming, bleeding boy and was in panic mode - knowing that there was nothing I could do to undo this hurt - nothing that could change the situation that we were in and trapped in the moment that I started to tell J to grab him - that was just a little too late. I was less that present in the moment and less than nice to J, but I was at least smart enough to pray almost immediately - my arms wrapped around my sweet boy, my hand on his head, both of us bawling I cried out to God in tongues to please heal my baby boy and prevent any sort of more permanent damage.

We assessed his injuries as well as we could in the Walmart parking lot as he screamed and arched away from any contact with his injuries and we knew he needed to go the ER and get more thoroughly checked - but the panic was renewed as we remembered that we did not in fact have a car with us - and were facing a 20min+ walk home with a very pregnant me, a toddler who was not about to allow anything to be done with him but being held tight against my body, and injuries that we knew were at least somewhat serious. J kept talking to me and it was as if I could only partially hear him as I just kept telling Owen over and over how sorry I was that I let him get hurt and how much mommy wanted him to feel better and how much I loved him and all the other things that I just couldn't turn off on repeat to my poor boy - who I had failed as a mother in the biggest way I ever had in his life. It's my job to protect him, and this kid knows it, he looks to me and has no fear - he trusts me explicitly to always protect him from hurt and this was his first big hurt that I couldn't stop from happening.

I tried telling J to ask someone to drive him home, but he insisted that he would run and I would try to call my friend (who I'd been out with that morning and who lives nearby) to see if they could get J somewhere between Walmart and home to get the car quicker - we were both just so panicked in this moment and trying to determine any way to get the car and get O to the hospital as quickly as possible - so off J went and I dialed the phone walking down the street holding a screaming O on my chest above my 30 week belly in the ERGO, pushing the stroller - watching my husband running away down the street - and of course, my friend, L, couldn't understand a word I was saying into the phone in my barely outside of tears voice with O screaming over and over inches from the phone - I had to repeat myself over and over trying to explain what was going on and what we needed - finally L put her husband, C, on the phone and I was able to calm Owen enough to get the message across and C was on his way to pick us up and bring us to the ER where J could meet us (which probably made a little more sense than my plan) - we stoppped at a Dairy Queen a few blocks from Walmart to wait and I stood in the parking lot and called my mom to ask her to pray as patrons of the restaurant stared at the flustered pregnant lady and the screaming bloody toddler - no one sure what to do. I hurried off the phone with my mom as J called. He told me that a family that had seen us righ    after Owen fell in the Walmart parking lot and had thought we were rushing off to our car, but saw him running down the street and realized what was going on - so they stopped to pick him up and were driving him the rest of the way home (PRAISE THE LORD - and thank you, thank you, thank you to whoever you kind strangers were that stopped to help us!). C arrived at DQ and we were starting to fold up the stroller and get Owen into one of his kids carseats when J arrived and we transferred into our own car. I felt super guilty for involving L and C, disturbing their family time, and worrying them for essentially nothing as C got there and was with me for approximately 2 minutes before J arrived - I don't ask for help well or often - and then when I do, and I turn out to not absolutely need it, I feel awful - although I am BEYOND grateful that the Lord has provided us with friends that I can call in a panic and they'll come and so thankful to L and C for putting aside their evening to help us.

We determined that since he had calmed down a little and hadn't lost consciousness that we could make the 25 minute drive to the children's hospital where J works downtown rather than the adult hospital near our house. J made some calls so they would be expecting us when we got there and off we went. It was during this drive that my heart rate was finally able to slow a little and I began to breathe a little more like a human being, but then I got another scare. While I was glad that Owen had finally stopped screaming, during the drive he started to get really drowsy, which was difficult to know if this was because it was almost 7:30 and he'd never had a late afternoon nap, or due to his head injury - so a scared mommy did everything she could to keep him awake and responsive for the rest of the drive (that I'm sure daddy was probably driving quite a bit faster than he should have).

Watching the train at the hospital right after we were discharged

We arrived at Children's and parked in employee parking - looping through the entire hospital to ER check-in, where they were expecting us with a room ready - it was so reassuring to know that these people knew J and cared about us personally - and to be able to avoid all the stress and fear that normally goes along with an ER visit as you wait what seems to be endless amounts of time for help. Every nurse knew Owen by name and knew my name and were genuinely concerned about both Owen and I (when I went to the bathroom I could see my face was bright red from the stress and the exertion of carrying around a 29lb kid for far longer than 30 week pregnant mom probably should (he was not about to let daddy hold him though). They checked him out, and as J told me on the way to the hospital it is actually his job to assess head injuries and determine what treatment and tests they need (but momma still wanted a second opinion as it is super super hard to be objective about your own kid). We were pretty worried when we were on our way, but as we arrived in the ER, O seriously perked up and started pointing out and naming things in the waiting room as we checked in - he smiled and pointed to show me a "graff" - giraffe - and "baball" - basketball - on TV then over the next 10-20 minutes he continued to show signs of perking up and being himself - so daddy and surgical fellow on call that night both agreed that he didn't need a CT scan and decided we should give him some juice and wait to make sure he kept it down and didn't show any other concerning symptoms. Nurses delivered his juice, along with a box of toy cars and a super-cool ramp, to the room and we camped out for a while to make sure he continued to improve. O happily played and ate up all the attention from the nurses until we determined he was well enough to go home under daddy's watchful eye (O didn't want to leave his toy cars, but was finally persuaded when promised the dinner we should have had hours ago and a chance to play with his doggy, Wy-Wy (Wyatt)).

Sunday morning cuddles before church

We kept O in our bed Saturday night to keep an eye on him (J woke up every 2 hours to check his breathing, etc), and I laid awake staring at him for hours - all the fear and adrenaline of the day still pouring through me - and each time I closed my eyes I would see his fall over and over again, each time unable to do anything to change it. I prayed for peace and thanked the Lord that O was okay and praised Him endlessly for the blessings and protection in our life, because I know how bad that this situation could have turned out. How wrong everything could have gone, and how each step of the way the Lord was with us, guiding and protecting us, leading us. Showing us his grace and mercy in our fear. Yesterday and today, O has continued to improve and while he has been extra cuddly, a little afraid of stairs, and more easily frustrated than normal - he is doing soo well and I so very much appreciate all the prayers of our friends, family, and my Bible study group as we were going through this scary, scary evening/weekend. I'm just amazed over and over at how blessed we are and I am so grateful for all the love and support through the whole thing and how grateful I am that scary was all it was, when it could have been so much worse. God is good all the time!

Sunday at church, still a little sad and pouty

Dinner today, mostly back to normal

friends...

So, this little introvert's heart is singing! About a month ago, I sucked it up and signed up for a stay-at-home mom's group online. I felt like a nerd, so lame to need to find friends online - the same way I still only tell the closest of family and friends that I met my husband online. Yet, just like the Lord worked through eHarmony to bring me the best man I've ever known, he's used Meetup to connect me with some amazing mommas with kiddos both a little older and younger than Owen and a few little boys that are just a few months older and younger than O!

So, we've been attending events with these women for a while now, and today was the first day that I really felt like part of the group, I remembered most of the women' and kid's names and I felt comfortable in the middle of the table talking with ladies in the same place with the same excitements and struggles and just fellowshipping and sharing our lives - and you wouldn't believe it, but, after our freezing park playdate, we had 8 toddlers and 2 babies sit down to lunch for over an hour with nary a meltdown - even though our food took forever and there were a few mistakes and even a forgotten kid's meal! It was glorious and really speaks to what great mommas all these ladies are!

I am just overjoyed to finally feel like we are making a life here - rather than just surviving! Even if it's temporary - two years is too long to not live because you're worried that you'll just have to leave anyway! I just can't believe how the Lord is providing! I stepped out of my shell and connected with a mom at a festival, I've joined this group and feel real connections forming, this week the mom's group started up at church, and I am really feeling connected to my online Bible study group (even though they are all too far for playdates!). I cried out to the Lord and he's just pouring out on me and I am so grateful! The first two months here were really hard - but now it seems everywhere I turn the Lord's hand is over our life - relationally, financially, with safety and love and provision at every turn! I can't remember the last time I was this happy or felt this much provision in my life - we've definitely been in a bit or a drought spiritually and we've reconnected to the living water and the well is springing forth abundantly! Thank you, Lord!

Owen "mowing" the grass at our bubble playdate at the park!