sibling love

This week I've had the chance to drive my brother to my mom's each morning as I drop Owen off. It's actually been kind of fun to have some company on one leg of the commute. And it's got me thinking...about baby number two and when we want to start working on that endeavor. I always said that "when I grew up" I would have four kids. Three boys and a girl...is the way it always looked in my head.

Yet, as my friend A, has decided she wants a second baby she never considered before...just so baby G will grow up with a sibling - I've started down a different path that I never considered before.

Maybe Owen is enough. Maybe people who have one baby aren't crazy or lazy or anything else. Maybe they have a point. Owen wouldn't have to compete for attention and affection and praise. There wouldn't be parent-teacher conferences and performances and games that we would have to miss in order to try to balance our time between little O and others to come. He could have his full parents - all of us, all of our time and energy. J's time is so lacking as it is - he's hardly home and he misses so much working all the time. Is it fair to try to split that time even further?

Selfishly, I want more babies. I already miss the newborn days and how teeny tiny he once was. I already feel like I've missed so much and I want to experience it all over again. I already miss being pregnant and feeling a life growing inside me. Selfishly for Owen, I want him to have that built in playmate for endless games of Hide-n-Seek and for tag in the backyard and for any other adventures that they can come up with.

watermark from my previous blog

But I also remember how hard it was being the oldest, with a younger brother and sister who needed more support behaviorally and academically than I did. I remember the pressure - real or imagined - to be perfect and never cause any problem, so my parents wouldn't have to spread themselves too thin. J has similar memories of the pressure of being the oldest, we were both the oldest child of our entire generation on both sides of our families. There is both the innate desire to be a help and a support - to be a big kid/grown up and to just be treated like all the other kids. For someone to make you take a step back - to not let you be so grown up all the time - and to be the kid you really are. I'm scared that I won't be able to help Owen find that balance - since I never found it myself as a child.

If I'm perfectly honest...I'm scared of a lot. Being a mommy is harder than I thought...especially working full time. I'm scared that I won't be enough for them. That all the things I thought I knew are wrong and I'm just going to mess him and any others up. I'm well-qualified for this role, better than most, I know more, I've had more experience, more practice...yet I'm just as scared as that mommy who's never held a baby before in her life. Other people's kids where just that...theirs. I could help and supplement and support, but when it all came down to it, if something went wrong it was the parent's responsiblity...not mine...as the teacher/nanny/babysitter/friend/aunt. It's a lot more pressure on this end. It's all on me. Sure, it's on J too, but he pretty much looks to me to take the lead on all things kids and parenting, which is nice not to be questioned, but is also a lot of pressure. If Owen ends up miserable, it's all on me - the mean momma!

I guess this is why I am not in charge of the universe, even though I act like it's my job! It's up to God when and if Owen gets brothers and sisters - not me. I hope we have more - I want more - I'm just not as sure of the timing as I used to be. Before I got pregnant I thought this would be the point when we started trying for number two. Yet, I look at my sweet boy, and think it couldn't possibly be fair to make him a big brother yet! He needs his chance to be the baby - to be my sunshine and our little man - later he can be the big boy and the big brother, but for now - I want to soak in the love of our little family of three.

Then, later, we can do the family of four...or more. Because as much as they drove me crazy (and still do) I wouldn't wish my brother and sister away for anything! There is something so unique about the love of a sibling - - the person who knows you better than probably anyone else - which is both good and bad - the person who you've hurt and whose hurt you, but nevertheless, the person who will always be there - has always been there - and will always love you.