Day one said not to say anything negative and what do you know - it seems like that day everything that came out of my mouth was negative. Days 2-5 went a little better and I actually did a great job on day 6, when J had to unexpectedly take call because a co-worker was sick and I was actually sweet and loving and supportive during a somewhat stressful situation - I know yay me I didn't blow up at my hubby over something he had no control over a- hey, sometimes it's the little victories. It seems like as we go through this book I just keep seeing one way after another that I haven't been all that loving to J this last year. I thought when this all started , sure I probably could stand to do the "respect dare" but I'm good on the love one. Oh how the mighty have fallen! The Lord is opening my eyes in new ways each day on how I can really choose to actively love my husband and show him that love in ways that matter to him.
One dare required asking him 3 things that I do or about me that bother him and not defend myself - that was rough. You know what he said:
1. Sometimes emotional and quick to anger
2. Don't always tell me what you want directly
3. Sometimes I feel like my hard work is not appreciated
Ouch! But each and every one of them - soo true! It's hard having him work so many hours a day/week and I have definitely learned that when I get lonely - it is really easy to dwell on all the things that drive me crazy about J or the ways he's hurt me - it's wrong, but it's also a form of self-defense - sort of a way to convince myself that I'm/we're okay without him and that we don't need him. But then, that really backfires and when he is home and is his amazing self ready and willing to help in any and every way - I'm ready to attack, I'm so entrenched in "not needing him" that I won't let him help or even tell him what I need, I get irritated easily for things he does or doesn't do (often without even telling him that I need him to do/not do it), and I don't properly show appreciation for all of the things he does for us both inside and outside of the home. This guy works so hard and he does it all for us. Sure, he loves his job and he loves learning and helping his patients, but he is sacrificing a lot - he sacrifices family time and personal time and so much more that I probably don't even know and he's doing all of this to make my dreams come true - so that I can stay at home and raise our babies.
It is definitely time to work on really being intentional in showing my love. The same goes for Owen - the past few weeks as I've started to get into this study I've seen how much he needs me and I've seen over and over new ways to show my love to my baby boy. I don't know if he's picking up on pregnancy hormones or if it's just a normal stage for a 1 1/2 year old or if I've been making him feel left out with all of my 'busy-ness', but this boy has become so needy and desperate for my attention and affection - at first I bristled against it and pulled away thinking he needed independence and strength and that soon enough there will be another little one - so he needs to be a big boy and do it on his own - and then the Lord just softened my heart and gave me so much grace - and he gave me the patience to sit with my sweet sad little boy while he falls asleep, because really in the scheme of things does it matter in he needs his mama when he's 1 and what am I rushing off to that is so much more important than my baby feeling safe and secure in my love. In another 5 months, he is going to have to adjust to so much - why am I trying to force it on him now. So, while I can - I'm snuggling up to watch "tucks" (trucks) and I'm playing wild crazy toddler games and I'm sitting in the rocking chair "wok, wok, wok"ing while my boy falls asleep in his big boy bed and I'm cuddling him tight each morning and I barely even mind when he falls asleep on my face - because that's what unconditional love is all about - loving them both with every bit of my heart - even when it hurts (and believe me a toddler sleeping on your face is less than pleasant)!
Thank you, Lord for my boys - thank you for giving them to me and me to them, please continue to help me to learn to love them as you love them!
