I've never been big on being afraid - really of anything - other than emotional stuff like rejection, etc. and I will NOT watch any movie about demons/ghosts/exorcisms or anything like that - I believe in a very real spiritual realm and I just won't open doors to any of that - heck no, techno! Even with my limited experience with fear, I wouldn't say I was ever the reckless stupid type, I've always been more of the cautious goody-goody type and that prevents a lot of reckless/stupid - not all, but a lot. Anyway, I was the baby playing with spiders and lizards in the backyard - always the Daddy's girl - and I know my mom and even my brother called me to catch many a bug growing up. I'm not afraid of snakes or really of heights or anything like that, but since becoming a mom - the thing I am most afraid of...like so afraid of I can barely type it "out loud"....is dying - especially dying young.
I know that this is a common fear, but it's one that has been entirely new to me. I grew up knowing that being "absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord" - so I was never scared of dying - sure I was scared that however I died might hurt, but the death part, not so much. Heaven sounded pretty cool and I always felt like when it was my time it would just be my time and so be it.
Yet, now, things are different. I'm still not scared of dying for myself - I know I'll be "all good" up there - but I'm scared for what it would mean for J and for my kids. Sure, I'm afraid of how we would make it without J, but it scares me more to think how they would suffer without me. Kids without a mom, how J's career would suffer, and how different all of their lives would be. Not to say I'm just soo super awesome and I could never be replaced, but I'm their MOM and you really can't replace that. I have never heard a single person of any age, who had lost their mom, who was not still struggling with it years later - we need our mommas, whether we are 2 or 5 or 22 or 55 - moms are really, really important - and I want to do everything I can to be here for these boogers and their daddy for a good, long time! I know that I am not in control and that God is, and that there is nothing I can do to change whatever there is to come - but there really is nothing that scares me more than leaving my family behind and the aftermath of that pain. I have faith that if anything were to ever happen to me that God would give my boys/men the strength to carry on and He would protect them and give them the love and support they needed from a plethora of sources - I just don't want them to ever have to know that reality.
Wow, that was kinda a yucky, deep, bummer of a post --- scroll on down and enjoy some ultrasound cuteness to lighten the mood!
I love you boys (and J) and I thank and praise the Lord for each and every day of my life with you!
