the wife

The wife...his wife...his partner...his best friend. I dreamed for the time that I would be able to say those words - that I would be a wife. I was always in a hurry to grow up and since my grandma and mom had both been married and had babies/were pregnant by the time they were 21 - I was behind, way behind. So, I did something not many people know about - I signed up for eHarmony. Now almost 4 years later, it's a little more common and a little less stigmatized to be on a dating website - but I was ashamed and I was scared that people would look down on me and think I was lame or desperate. In fact, I think I thought those things a little about myself. I had boyfriends and I dated, but I couldn't seem to find the right guy or the right relationship (didn't occur to me that I wasn't the right girl yet) - so I decided to look for someone/something more serious online. I hoped to find someone smart, someone with my values and beliefs, and I wanted to find MY husband - the man God made especially for me and I just wasn't finding him on my own.

I remember praying in 2007: "God, I'm sick of this heartache - and these wrong relationships. Lord, give me my husband now, even if I'm not ready for him yet. Let me meet him now!" And, you know what, He did early in 2008. He let me meet him - and guess what - I wasn't ready. We "met" and talked and got along really well, I knew from his pictures that he wasn't quite my type (I was young and immature and just a little shallow) but he was nice and fun to talk to and everything about him was right - and I told myself that if I was smart I'd be with him, but like I already said I wasn't ready, and I hurt him. I will forever be sorry for that - and I know that was a very clear lesson to me that I want His will, not mine in my life. I told him I wanted to be friends (which he didn't want) and moved on with my life and he with his. He continued on with opportunities he might not have had if we'd been dating and I bumbled along dating the wrong guys, growing up, and getting ready for what God had for me. About a year later, I thought of J and looked him up online and emailed him, only to hear that he didn't want to talk to me - understandable. So, back to bumbling along. I was dating a man who wasn't a Christian and trying to justify that in my head (umm yea, doesn't work) when I prayed and gave my life over to God for him to control - instead of insisting on doing it myself - and my boyfriend broke up with me less than a week later (while I was moving - literally phone call while carrying boxes into my house).

I started trying to think of what I could do to move on and start the next relationship, but separately from my control - God was working. About a month later, I got an email from J. He apologized for not wanting to talk to me before and wanted to catch up. We emailed and exchanged phone numbers and before long we met for dinner in early December. The next day, I made/helped him cut his hair and I went to his work Christmas party where everyone told him I was a keeper. After that, I saw him every day, it was right, it fit, it worked, and I/we were ready! We were talking/joking about marriage in about a week and on January 1st, 2010, he proposed, ring and all. Talk about a whirlwind romance. We I planned our beautiful, out of state wedding fast and we were married on June 12, 2010.

Since then, we've continued to grow and some times have been harder than others (when your husband works 120hrs in one week it's a little rough on the relationship), but I'm still thrilled to call myself his wife and him my husband. I love you, J!