the teacher

 You know how in Kindergarten we all said, "when I grow up, I want to be a..." - well I wasn't too sure and went back and forth between a "baby nurse" and a teacher, but by the end of first grade I was sure - I was born to be a teacher. Some of my earliest memories of getting in trouble at school were for turning around to help the boy behind me with his work and I absolutely adored school.

Many family members tried to talk me out of becoming a teacher because I was "too smart" and the pay was bad, but I never changed my mind. As I grew, I taught Sunday School and babysat and did everything I could to work with children. I also worked while I was in college doing habilitation and respite for children with autism and other developmental disabilities and learned even more about the joy of helping a child to learn and grow. There is magic in seeing the light turn on and a child's world change and I am so blessed to be a part of that.

I went to UofA on a full scholarship and studied Elementary Education, I graduated in 3 1/2 years and was thrilled to join the workforce. I took over from a maternity leave where the teacher had decided not to return (which I definitely understand now...I miss my baby boy!) and off I went. I was thrilled and couldn't believe they were really going to let me do this! My dream became my reality faster than I even thought it would...but reality is never quite like the dream. That year was hard brutal, I was so ill-prepared for the reality of working in a struggling urban school district. I had little-to-no support (didn't know who to ask) and everyone assumed since it was mid-year that I already knew the things that they told all the newbies at the beginning of the year. I received some training, but that year I could barely tread water as the third teacher to a class of 5 year-olds who had learned almost nothing in the first half of the year and could barely sit still!

I'd like to say after that the job got easy, but in a Title 1 (high poverty) urban school district, it never gets easy. Procedures and expectations change faster than you can master and implement them, and I was often told that all the things I learned earning my bachelors (and later my master's) degree were wrong and "didn't apply" to this population. Many things have Practically everything has changed each year that I have been teaching since January of 2008 and I'm sure it will continue to do so each year into the future. Yet, in spite of the difficulties, I'm so glad that this is where God placed me. I have been able to be a light and sense of stability in the lives of many children who don't know God's love or who don't know what it is to have a stable adult in their lives or who don't even have the stability of knowing when their next meal will be. I know that this isn't every student I've had in my classes - many others have 2 loving/stable/Christian parents and many are probably better off financially than I am, but even if it's only for one kiddo - then it's all been worth it.

Last year, I had a challenging group of students (let's be honest - it was crazy and more than once I was kicked/hit/scratched/etc. all while pregnant) and I was at my wit's end almost daily, but with God's help I made it through and I have to believe that I made a positive difference for those kiddos in at least some way (although I was sure at times that it was all my fault and I was a horrible teacher). I learned a lot from that class about pride and doing it all myself. Prior to that I was so sure of myself and my skills and my classroom management and I had stopped giving the glory to God. I had forgotten that everything I know and am and do is thanks to Him.

Thankfully, this year my class is amazing - we had a few hiccups (I was on maternity leave from the first day of school until October) but God is good and He has blessed me with great kiddos - great parents - and a chance to love teaching again (and feel a little less like a failure as a teacher). I'm glad I'm here this year to experience that change. But (yes the teacher started a sentence with "but") with my new role as a mommy, I'm having a harder time with focusing as much time and as much of my identity as it takes to be a "good" teacher. It's hard to turn off mommy and be teacher, and I'm really struggling with the balance and feeling like I'm not "doing" enough in either role. I will just have to have faith that this is where I am supposed to be this year - as we always planned that I would be at home once we had our first baby, but God's plan was different - and I'd rather be confused following God than "know" where I'm going on my own. This will probably (?) be my last year teaching (at least for a while) and I'm not sure yet what God has for me as we move next year - should I try to teach while I'm there, can we afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom(?), or should I be looking at something in between tutoring or daycare/preschool where I could bring Owen with me? All I know is whatever He has for me - I will be successful as long as I acknowledge Him and rely on His guidance to do His will in my work, rather than relying on myself and my own strength weakness. No matter what, a "teacher" will always be part of who I am and my calling - in whatever form that takes.