the rest

Other roles that define me: sister, daughter, friend.

Each of these roles have shaped me. They have made me who I am today, yet I struggle to define them. To put these parts of myself into words. I can't. They are too real, too deep, too raw with emotion (both good and bad). They combine with so many other memories and experiences and so much life - they are the me that makes me who I have become as a teacher and mother and Christian and anything else that I have become or will become. These experiences parts of my psyche influence all other parts. My past as a friend influences my future as one. My fear, my hesitance, the questions, my love, my strength, my determination, my faith - me, myself, I. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where...I just don't know, this is where my tongue gets tied. There are all of the best and worst parts of me. This is part I have to rise above and overcome, and the foundation that gave me the strength and determination to do just that and be the best version of myself that I could be.

That sounds bad, and ungrateful, all the things I don't want to be - the things I keep hidden. My family is and was amazing - but there are rivalries and jealousies, questions without answers. No neglect or abuse, no meanness, no real problems. Just me being a baby - me whining and complaining about attention and not getting things I was never brave enough to ask for - me being the sensitive girl who was told over and over to stop crying all the time until I learned to just keep things to myself. I've had many friends over the years and the quality of those friendships has varied, but friendship has always been a struggle for me, from changing schools in the second grade to the kids teasing me and not telling me things because I would tell my mom everything to the pain of moving away from family and towards friends who were never there for me the way family was to friendships that seemed deep and real and strong only to fade with the changes of life. (I *hope* now that I am at a more stable stage of life, I will be able to make some strong and genuine friendships with like-minded women who have the same sorts of priorities and interests). 

 Somehow, I still can't seem to grasp how it is that others form bonds and make friendships so easily. I try and fail to connect with people, to listen, to share just enough, but each little sprout of a friendship somehow withers with time or simply is stunted at some point short of blooming. I questioned this to my mother who replied that women have never seemed to like me for some reason. I rack my brain with each new budding friendship as to what it is that I'm doing wrong, am I trying too hard - not hard enough, sharing too much or too little, what would make this friendship grow. It seems each time a friendship begins to become something more -- some outside force gets in the way out-of-state moves come to mind in multiple instances. I suppose just like other areas of my life, it's time to give my friendships to God. It's time to let him work in me and make me the friend that others will need. It's time to have faith that he is working in others to be the friends that I need and it's time to have faith that He will orchestrate the timing of that lasting friendships and He will provide the opportunities for them to grow and develop to be a healthy, strong relationships - in which I don't have to question what I need to do to make things happen. Things will just be right and be of Him and will honor Him.

I need to remember how phenomenally blessed I am. I have an amazing family who loves me and would do anything and everything for me. A mom who watches my son all day everyday while I work - regardless of the stress, inconvenience, and other difficulties that this causes her. Whether or not our styles align, she loves and cares for my son in a way that no one else does. She does for him something that I can't. She teaches him different lessons. She loves him in a different way and trains him up in a different way. Some times this is hard for me and for her. Sometimes it's difficult for each of us to not see the other as wrong - as challenging the other's parenting choices, because that is what she is. Owen's third parent - her ideas and plans and care have a significant impact on his everyday life and development. There is no one right way. It has been hard navigating the change in our relationship. I've always questioned and done things on my own, tried my own way, not out of rebellion or desire to hurt her or even to say that I know better than her, simply because I can't do it any other way. I have to do and try and be, yet it's hurt my heart knowing that this isn't what she wanted from me - this isn't who she wants me to be. Like I've disappointed her somehow, like I've hurt her when that was the last thing I wanted. It scares me to put this struggle into words - like acknowledging this somehow makes it worse. That I'll upset her by letting her know that I'm upset for having upset her - but this is the cycle we've maintained. Each worried about hurting the other and hurting each other through/because of that worry. I've always been too analytical, too introspective, too sensitive - because of that I try to be strong and brave and independent - I try to act rather than get caught up inside of my self in the never ending cycle of thought and self-doubt. I try to do it on my own, to never let anyone see me sweat. To be easygoing, to not be a whiner, to be the easy kid - but that made her feel like a didn't need her or want her - and then it was the self-fulfilling prophecy. I had to be the strong, independent, easy kid - even when I didn't want to be or didn't know how to be.

I'm sorry that I did this, but I'm also not sorry. I'm sorry that we've both struggled with this more than we needed to. I'm sorry that I didn't always see the love and the support and all the other things my mom was always standing back waiting for me to ask for. I'm sorry that because some mean little girls told me to stop being so sensitive in 2nd grade and told me to stop telling my mom everything - that I withdrew into myself and harmed our relationship for the benefit of relationships that didn't last beyond elementary school. I'm sorry that it took me from the age of 7 to 25 for me to put into words that I don't want our relationship to be this way anymore - that I don't want this strain and pressure to be between us. To always question things. I'm sorry that I'm still not saying this to your face and I'm just putting it out here in the world where you may or may not ever see it. BUT whether or not you do, from today on I'm going to do my part to change things. I'm going to try not to be scared of disappointing you. I'm going to share myself with you. I'm going to be sure of myself whether or not you agree. I'm going to upset you if I have to, and I'm going to give you the chance to love me as I am instead of only showing what I deem worthy of love. I'm sure sometime you will disappoint me and I you - but it will be real and we can try to start from there. I won't be the perfect daughter - but I haven't been for all these years that I've been trying to be either.

This is the rest of me ... the me you don't see ... the me that I keep hidden .... this is where I am - today - this day - this year - this hour - and I want to remember. I want to make a change - I want to know that this was when I stopped living in fear and embraced the beauty of God's creation in me.